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"I am the Sex Goddess of the Western Hemisphere, so don't mess with me. I've got a big bag full of sex toys and you can't have any 'cause they're all mine 'cause I'm the Sex Goddess of the Western Hemisphere. 'Hey,' you may say to yourself, 'who the hell is she trying to kid? She's no sex goddess.' But trust me; I am. If only for the fact that I have the unabashed gall to stand up here and call myself a sex goddess. I mean after all; it's what so many of us have at some point thought. We've all had someone who worshipped our filthy socks and barked like a dog when we were near, giving us cause to pause and think, 'y'know, I may not look like much, but deep inside, I'm a sex goddess.' Only, you'd never come out and admit it publicly. Well, you wouldn't come out and admit it publicly, but I will, because I am the Sex Goddess of the Western Hemisphere. I haven't always been a sex goddess. I used to be just a mere mortal woman. But I grew tired of sexuality being repressed, then manifest in the late-night 900 number ads where three bodacious bimbettes heave cleavage into the camera's winking lens and sigh... Big girls, ooh! Bad girls, ooh! Blonde girls, ooh! You know what to do; call 1-900-unmitigated-bimbo, ooh! Yeah, I got fed up with the ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ohh. I got fed up with it all, so I put on my combat boots and hit the road with my bag full of sex toys that were a vital part of my sex goddess image, even though I'd never actually use my sex toys, 'cause my being a sex goddess... it isn't a sexual thing. No, it's a political thing. I'm a political sex goddess. I don't actually have sex. No, I'm too busy taking care of important sex goddess business. Yeah, I've gotta make the rounds on the talk shows. I've gotta make buckets full of money off my own inane brand of self-rightous pop psychology, because my pain is different. Because I am a sex goddess, and when I talk, people listen. Why? Because - you guessed it - I am the Sex Goddess of the Western Hemisphere, and you're not."
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