TED. Hi, my name is Ted. Are you all ready to order?
TIM. Yes, I'll start. I'll have the messy divorce with huge alimony payments, the type A personality with huge ulcers, a happy childhood, and could you make sure that's really happy?
TED. Sure.
TIM. Great. And a healthy dose of optimism.
TED. Would you like a sense of fashion with that?
TIM. Maybe later. (Tim hands Ted his menu.)
TED. Very good. And for you, sir?
PHIL. Yeah, gimme the bitchy ex-wife, a big-screen T.V., some, uh, street smarts, lots of those, and what's this, uh, glimmer of hope for the future? How much is that? Oh, what the hell, gimme that. And a dominating, chauvanistic husband for the little lady here. That should do it for me. (Phil takes Spencer's menu, who is seated to his left, and hands it to Ted along with his own.)
BETSY. How's the psychology degree?
TED. It's not great.
BETSY. Not great, huh? You know what? I'm going to have it anyway. And a vacation home in Florida, and I'd really like some intolerant conservative in-laws. Does anyone else want some of those? (All express interest.)
TED. They actually come by the bucketful. Should I bring a whole bucket?
BETSY. That's perfect. And what else, I too will have the happy childhood, that sounds good, and... a son.
TED. One?
BETSY. One, on drugs. And I will have a sense of fashion. (Betsy hands Ted her menu.)
TED. Great. I think you're going to enjoy that.
GREG K. I have a question... the heterosexual lifestyle... how is that?
TED. (slight pause) It's, uhm, it's not for everyone.
GREG K. Doesn't sound like you recommend it.
TED. Well, actually, I've never tried it. We do have a bisexual combo platter if you want to try a number of different things.
GREG K. Okay... you know what, I'm going to have the passive aggressive personality, with emotional unavailability. And I'll have a heart attack. (Greg K. hands Ted his menu.)
AYUN. I know exactly what I want. I'll have the left-wing, anti- capitalist, bohemian lifestyle. Homeschooling for the children. Wild, liberated sexuality. And a mastectomy. But I'll have that later. (Ayun hands Ted her menu.)
GREG K. You know what? I'll have my heart attack with her mastectomy.
GREG A. I have a question about the pompous, well -meaning, misguided identity. Is that loud as well?
TED. Yes, it is.
GREG A. And self-righteous?
TED. Somewhat.
GREG A. Okay, good, I'll take that. And an unhappy childhood. Could you make sure that it's really unhappy?
TED. Sure, and would you like a sense of fashion with that?
GREG A. No, I'm fine as I am. (Allen hands Ted his menu.)
TED. Uh huh... Okay, I'll be out in a minute with bread and water.
GREG K. (Clearing his throat, bows head, everyone joins him.) Bless us, O Lord, for these gifts we are about to receive. That they may nurture us and help us to grow even closer to our true nature. Amen.
ALL. Amen.
CURTAIN