SPENCER. Ladies and gentlemen, while we want you to have a pleasant and enjoyable evening, the Neo-Futurists are also concerned about your safety. Smoking and drinking are not permitted in the theater and please refrain from talking during the performance as it could inhibit the total enjoyment of the theatrical experience of those around you. In the event of a natural disaster such as earthquake, tornado, or nuclear explosion, please remain in your seats at all times and we will inform you as to the extent of the damage at the end of the next play. The theater is not scheduled to pass over any large bodies of water within the hour, but if a nautical landing were attempted, the person next to you is your best bet at a flotation device. At this time, we would like you to please reach over and hold the left hand of the audience member on your right. Go ahead. Don't be afraid. You have five seconds to comply.
(Actors in the house yell "5-4-3-2-1!!!," while panning the audience with flashlights.)
Thank you. While holding this person's hand, ask yourself the following questions:
Now please remove your hand and kindly refrain from touching anyone while you remain on the premises. At this time please remove all of your personal belongings from the area on the floor surrounding your seat and clench them tightly in your lap. We ask that you keep them in this position for the duration of the show. The Neo-Futurists will now inspect the aisles and any unclaimed property will be confiscated and destroyed.
(Using flashlights, the cast moves through the audience and brings any coats and bags they find onto the stage.)
I repeat, any unclaimed property will be confiscated and destroyed. If you remember these simple guidelines for behavior while in the theater - or for that matter, at home, at the audience, or at social gatherings - your life will be made much more secure, safe, and sanitary. We thank you for your cooperation. Shut up and enjoy the show.
CURTAIN