"I'm not THAT insane..."
-Bonnie Lotesto

"May impotency strike you, whenst you breath a sane man's breath."
-Ronald Lo

"Thou shalt rest in the domain of the effervescant light of the
irridescant innkeeper's book of Aristocratic Inarticulate Imbeciles."
-Ronald Lo

"The tomato bit me as I watched the alchemy grow. Nothing phallic."
-Jan Rodolfo

"Brush your teeth, comb your eyebrows, and smile like a plastic
daisy."
-Anastasia Fantasia Platt

"Evil will always triumph... because good is dumb."
-Dark Helmet {Spaceballs}

"Women are illogical, fussy, manipulative, hormonally deranged creatures 
who play hard to get, then are hard to take." 
-Brian Hohlfeld

"Y'know, sometimes I go off into my own little world... but that's okay,
they know me there."
-Joel Hodgeson

"Some people accuse me of being weird and ghoulish because I write horror
stories. But hey, I didn't invent death. Back in the Middle Ages, people
used to stick hot pokers up your nose while wild dogs chewed off your
limbs; they dropped anvils on your chest, and that was if they liked you.
We're all gonna die, baby. I'm just trying to make it a little more
interesting."
-Stephen King

"You can say that I'm old-fashioned, but I believe that fire is magic...
and it scares me a lot."
-Old-Fashioned Guy {The State}

Mitch: "Y'know... um... something strange happened to me this morning."
Chris: "Was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-god
       robes on a pyramid with a thousand naked women screaming and 
       throwing little pickles at you?"
Mitch: "No."
Chris: "Why am I the only person who has that dream?"
-Mitch Taylor & Chris Knight {Real Genius}

"The glass is half full... but the water is polluted and if you drink it 
you'll get sick and die." 
-True Pessimist

"I wanna thank my momma and Elvis."
-Bubba Bo Bob Brain

"But Beavis, everything _does_ suck!"
-Butt-head

"To those who think they know my thoughts, to them I lie even more."
-Adolph Hitler

"Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. Then I think, 'Aw,
who cares?' Then I think, 'Hey, what's for lunch?'"
-Jack Handey

"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not
sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."
-Richard Nixon

Q:      "You're dead. This is the afterlife. And I'm God."
Picard: "You are not God."
Q:      "Blasphemy!  You're lucky I don't cast you out, or smite you
         or something."
Picard:	"I refuse to believe that the afterlife is run by _you_ -- 
	 the universe is not so badly designed!"
-Q & Capt. Jean-Juc Picard {ST:TNG}

"Commit random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty."
-A.

"For years I've had this recurring nightmare that I have a moustache. I 
know it doesn't sound like much, but I swear... I'm afraid to fall asleep."
-David Foley {The Kids in the Hall}

"I am the direct end result of millions of years of human evolution."
-Tarik Dozier, 1988

"The universe is finite. At the very edge is a giant brick wall guarded by
a mean dog."
-Dana Carvey {SNL}

"That film pulls down my pants and taunts me."
-Dieter {SNL, Sprockets}

"You are beautiful and angular, and if you were a gas you'd be inert."
-Dieter {SNL, Sprockets}

"It is both delicious and repellant, and for that you should either be
lauded or chided."
-Dieter {SNL, Sprockets}

"The difficult thing about being a mass murderer isn't the, uh, murdering
part. It's the mass past. It's the pace you've got to keep up.  The sheer 
volume of murdering."
-David Foley {The Kids in the Hall}

"I'm perfectly sane. Everyone else, however, is insane and trying to steal
my magic bag."
-Dana Carvey {SNL}

"The nation that controls magnesium controls the universe!"
-Matt Groening

"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get me."
-A.

"Reality is for those who have no imagination."
-A.

"That poem looks at me while I'm naked and calls its friends."
-Dieter {SNL, Sprockets}