"Freedom is the right to never have to lie." -Albert Camus "Well, folks, if Destiny intends for you to see pictures of people having sex with venetian blinds, I suggest you just do the safe thing and play along." -Andy Ihnatko "Don't believe anyone who has reason to lie to you. Trust kills." -Chris Petro "Friends are just enemies who don't have the guts to kill you." -Judy Tenuta "Everything in my life is somehow converging into some sort of Wesley Crusher Quantum Singularity, that by the end of August, I will either be ruler of the known universe... or dead." -John VerBurg "The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything... except what is worth knowing. Journalism, conscious of this, and having tradesmanlike habits, supplies their demands." -Oscar Wilde "Essentially, the public wants its computer geeks to serve their traditional role, that is, to keep the phone system up and running and also serve as targets of fashion ridicule. Fine,fine. No problem. Go ahead and just punch in your long-distance calling-card number over that cordless phone. You can trust us..." -Andy Ihnatko "Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry; it mostly astonishes me. How can anyone deny themselves the pleasure of my company?" -Zora Neale Hurston "An apology for the Devil: it must be remembered that we have heard only one side of the case. God has written all the books." -Samuel Butler "Now, I don't want you people worrying yourselves about needless acts of mindless aggression. Just pull the keyboard out in front of you; take a deep cleansing breath; and when you start to feel that soothing wave of serenity wash over you, beat the pudding out of that thing quick, before the serenity overtakes you completely and talks you out of doing it." -Andy Ihnatko "If someone's going to come to my favorite club, make sexist remarks, view me as a piece of flesh, and get in my space when I'm trying to dance, they had *AT FUCKING LEAST* better be fashionable! That won't (of course) stop me from initiating "beat-down misguided fool v 5.0 Beta" sequence and promptly introducing my boot to their head, but hey! I might admire their snazzy goth outfit in passing..." -Zoe Rothberg "...implementations should follow a general principle of robustness: be conservative in what you do, be liberal in what you accept from others." -Jon Postel, "DoD Standard Transmission Control Protocol" RFC 761 at 2.10 "Until I feel that my incapacity to comprehend has been proven, I will continue to seek answers (though not here, of course... the dead horse is threatening to go on strike if we keep beating him)." -Sparrow "One of the areas in which the Lord has been the most negligent, the Justice Department claims, is in providing His followers with adequate access to education: Fundamentalist Christians remain, after thousands of years, among the least educated groups in the world, ranking below pro-wrestling enthusiasts and carnival workers. Claims of an eternal 'life after death' also remain unconfirmed by deceased believers from around the globe." -The Onion, news, "Lord Under Investigation For Failure To Provide" "Getting a friendly and accessible computer to do what you expect is about as impressive as landing a 757 safely. No, to score real Mac Jedi fear- and-loathing points against your competition, you gotta show you can land that monster with three engines on fire and eight women giving birth simultaneously." -Andy Ihnatko "I'm not into working out. My philosophy is 'No pain, no pain.'" -Carol Leifer "I'd really like to interview one of the interviewers... 'I hear that you folk here at Hard Copy all live on a strict diet of liver paste made from dead children found in trash cans over in Manhattan... That true? Geraldo did *what* to keep the McDonalds account? I didn't know you could do that with a clown.'" -Rick Taylor {exile} "I'm a little teapot / Short and stout / Here is my handle / Here is my... other handle... Oh. I guess i'm a sugar bowl." -Red Skelton "If you're going to have a monologue, keep it to yourself!" -Eiko Magami (A-Ko) {Project A-Ko} "Death needs time for what it kills to grow in, for Ah Pook's sweet sake, you stupid vulgar greedy ugly American death-sucker." -William S. Burroughs, Dead City Radio "These autobios always dazzle me, either from the childlike innocence with which Jerry Garcia reveals that it was a prescription antihisthamine which caused him to get naked and pass out in that Denny's salad bar, or the final resignation with which minor celebrities accept that if they want to sell enough books to save their houses, they're just going to have to tell the story about the mule, the John Deere riding mower, and the wholesale tequila salesman." -Andy Ihnatko "Just in terms of allocation of resources, religion is not very efficient. There's a lot more I could be doing on a Sunday morning." -Bill Gates "That proves that you are unusual," returned the scarecrow, "and I'm convinced that the only people worthy of consideration in this world are the unusual ones, for the common folks are like the leaves of a tree and live and die unnoticed." -Baum, "The Marvelous Land of Oz" "Our task must be to free ourselves... by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty." -Albert Einstein "If NT is God's gift to man, then God's name is 'Cthulhu.'" -Chris Petro "Exceptions are the downfall of consistency and stability. Anytime that you make exceptions to a rule, law or procedure you undermine its basic principle and effectiveness." -Alan Daviduk, Jr. "Cyborg technology has something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to be a cyborg. The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you're at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by saying you have an important business meeting, so you can't make it to the service." -Scott Adams "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things." -A. "The only thing that was complicated was writing programs; causing many inferior programmers to run around saying 'You can't DO any programming on a Macintosh.' when they should have been saying, '*I* can't do any programming on a Macintosh.'" -Rose Marshack, BSCS, BACS "Yeah, I know the majority of the folks going crazy on the floor are whacked on some sort of 'happy' drug and would dance to the sound of a toilet flushing, but..." -Colleen Rathke "Don't you know hippie chicks don't drive big trucks?" -Inga Hoffman "May you get many many obscure records to add to your booty (no, not your ass... that might hurt, and you wouldnt get to listen to them that way anyhow)." -Janette Holdorff "One time Rick and I had a (loud) 'discussion' about whether or not there was a God. He ended up proving to me that there was one, with me crying at the end, because I didn't want to believe it. I don't think he believes in what he proved to me either. I think he divided by zero somewhere..." -Rose Marshack "There being no difference, as far as argument is concerned, between an intelligence which is not exerted, and an intelligence which does not exist." -A. "'Overintellectualization' is obviously a term relative to the intellect of its user." -A. Dominy-Cusraque "If nothing else, Crobar has a stunning atmosphere... just about perfect for my tastes. Now if only the people there were.. well, dead, it would be a great place." -Kelly Makowski "Is that just a fancy typo or a Freudian slit, er, slip?" -Amy Wedell (MeeM) "...of course, I guess if you ever actually see anime women strolling around, you'd probably be tempted to grab them, too. Upon reflection, though, I'd refrain from doing that. They will probably have magic boobs that turn you to stone or some similarly disturbing and adverse superpowers...." -Rachel Pollock (Lady Bathory) "Most of the evil in this world is done by people with good intentions." -T.S. Eliot "Zero-Insertion-Force my *ass*!" -Tarik Dozier "Oh, that's because I've got a twin cam engine." "What's a cam?" "I don't know... but do know that I've got two of 'em." -Tarik Dozier & Tori Lease "Oh whutevva. Tell him to shove his Nike-logo PEZ dispenser up his ass and get on with life. Assuming he can *find* his ass in his baggy jeans to begin with..." -Amy Wedell (MeeM) "So what if I'm a newbie; I know this is where I am supposed to be." -Robert Tritthardt "In order for part b to run... you need to have part b3 which is made at a special Microsoft software facility that's located in Venezuela, somewhere." "...by child labor, no less." -Rick Taylor {exile} & Tarik Dozier (Osiris) "Yeah. That's the funny thing about death, huh? People die." -Richard G. Kinney (Waxy) "Note to self: Do not attempt to carry Amy to the end of the Infinity Room. It will be worse than showering with kittens." -Peter H. Coffin "Ok...I'll bite... heh... What's the Infinity Room? And yes, I'm sure my reactions to heights can be likened to showering with a few dozen kittens." -Amy Wedell (MeeM) "I can type while breastfeeding, but I can't make a sandwich." -Ayun Halliday "Any tool can be a weapon when held properly." -Ani DiFranco "Nothing in the Guild's charter obligates us to become a medieval style guild a la the historic roots of the word. Or is someone going to send their 14 year-old kid over to my house soon to do the drudgework around my house while I teach them how to write CGI?" -Kynn Bartlett "The difference between that which is real and imagined lies solely within one's perception. The true power of a strong imagination lies within one's ability to impose their reality upon others." -Tarik Dozier "I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either." -A. "There's a reason that we run these things past -ops. The time to object to a motion is BEFORE the vote is cast, not after the fact, looking all confused and ignorant." -Kynn Bartlett "This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum... I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert floor for your aunts to eat." -English subtitle in Chinese action flick "If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization." -Weinberg's Second Law "Mr. Rogers helped save my sanity while I was in grad school. Feeling worthless and generally shitty? Watch Mr. Rogers - he always tells you how good and special you are. 'I *am* special. I guess I won't toss myself out the window weighted down by my thesis tonight.'" -Janette Holdorff "Banks are like operating systems. They all suck. Just look for one that will suck longer, harder, and faster than the others at less cost." -Chris Petro "Our country rides the small bus." -Basia Petro "Heck, [the Gideons] never even got weird because of how I was dressed. I guess they couldn't complain; a lot of polyester dies for them each year." -Ivan Roseland "Watch Lady Elaine [Fairchild] in general... she's Fred Rogers's dark side... absolutely wonderful to see." -David Howard "I would leave my kid locked in a room with Satan rather than Barney. At least Satan might teach him/her a neat trick or two. Barney would just teach him/her to be a mindless boob." -Janette Holdorf "Beware the snarling pack of three year olds.... One more crack against Mr. Rogers and you'll be a big bag of Meem & Sparrow flavored goldfish crackers!!!" -Janette Holdorf "[Where does one draw the line between expression and obscenity?] I wouldn't draw it. But I'm weird; I figure that if people can't learn to think for themselves, they ought to be constantly weirded out, confused and in mental pain." -Chris Petro "I am reminded of my mean grandmother's tradition of having butter lambs on the table for Easter. Apparently no one thought about the theological difficulties of the kids hacking off the head of the lamb of God with butter knives...." -Jessica S-G (Melusine) "Thank you for you prompt attention to this matter. Your payment of $33.82 will be credited on your next statement. Do not send cash. Do not enclose materials containing elements higher than 94 on the periodic table. Contact authorities immediately in case of accidental dismemberment." -Dave Awl "If you think that that was a merely semantical argument, then I think you don't understand what a 'merely semantical argument' is. And if that is so, I fail to see why your ignorance is my fault." -Ronald M. Carrier "From past experience, the only way any Microsoft product works is that it crashes and burns, and totally fucks up your system. If it works, you must have done something to it which violates your license agreement." -Reuben Chew "Those who do not understand UNIX are condemned to reinvent it -- badly." -Henry Spencer "Why shouldn't things be largely absurd, futile, and transitory? They are so, and we are so, and they and we go very well together." -George Santayana "Illusion is an element which enters into all finite things, for everything that exists has only a relative - not an absolute - reality, since the appearance which the hidden phenomenon assumes for any observer depends upon his power of cognition." -H. P. Blavatsky (1831-1891) "Some grow with responsibility, others just swell inappropriately." -A. "No matter how much debaters argue, their argument proves nothing. Things are what they are, regardless of how much we disagree about them." -Lao Tzu "I think 'hate crimes' should be relabeled 'shouldn't people this stupid forget how to breathe?' It would serve a more useful purpose, that kind of attitude, than what we have now. One still locks the offender up, of course, but it's the public attitude that currently assigns more power to these morons than otherwise they would have." -Glenn Crowley "This is all *only* about money you know. There are other things in the world... you know, like watching TV." -Rose Marshack "I realize that we should all design for NN4 or MSIE4, (because obviously nobody else uses anything but), but I'm a rebel, and feel that 'standard' means something." -Michael Zimmermann "Python is awesome. It's like perl with GUNS." -Chris Wage "Deep... what does it mean, exactly?" "I.. have no idea. But you must ponder my words." -A. "PAY ME FOR SEVERE BEATINGS! No mercy, no sex, fully clothed. Inquire today!" -Zoe Rothberg "If brute force doesn't solve your problem, you're not using enough." -A. "You are free to crank up your own mailserver and host a mailing list though. Buy extra hard disks; these things take a beating. You might want to get an experienced administrator too. There are nasty things like sendmail and majordomo and the like. It's not like booting up Windows 95. Pack a lunch." -Joe Cline "Offhand, I'd say you're missing the part of your anatomy that allows you to discharge solid waste, since you seem to have spent a lot of time accumulating it to make this little rant of yours." -Allen Gould After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied. "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the right to make his laws?" "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make his own." It was so granted. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" "Anyone can copy some 17th century Elizabethan metaphysical poet... y'know... from a book." -Carl Petrovich (The Daytrippers) "An existential quantifier isn't a man that dresses all in black, sits in a cafe smoking and reading Camus...." -professor "Trajedy is when I cut my finger; comedy is when you walk into an open manhole and die." -Mel Brooks "The most important tool a hacker can have is a brain. Unfortunately, since you are on AOL, it appears that your tool box is empty. Perhaps you'd be more interested in some cool Beavis & Butthead .WAV files..." -Phrack Loopback "The Pope, of course, is chosen by the Papal Conclave, a gaggle of Cardinals who retreat behind closed doors in the Vatican and talk about which Papal Candidate has the dreamiest eyes, the hottest buns, etc. Then they send up powerful smoke signals indicating that they have chose the Hottest Cardinal to be the new Sexual Leader of the Catholic World." -Dave Awl "The President is similarly chosen by a group of powerful functionaries known as Pollsters, who decide, based on talking to small samples of people, which candidate will win and then communicate this message over and over to the larger populace. Months later, a relative few members of the populace will have been encouraged and empowered by the Pollsters to go fulfill the mystical prophecy of the Pollsters in a special ritual called an 'election,' by 'voting' for The Winner, while most members of the populace, having repeatedly received messages that their votes are irrelevant (because they would have voted for A Loser), will stay home and attempt to feel superior to the process." -Dave Awl "Zeal without knowledge is fire without light." -A. "If I had a dime for every kid who wanders into Armageddon on a Thursday, obsessing about the apoptygma b. song s/he heard the night before at Stigmata, I could buy... well, I could at least buy a lot of corn muffins, if not some more blue hair dye." -frostbite "Hey now, if it wasn't for Oklahoma and a few other states, Texans would be running rampant all over the US. Be thankful! Be VERY thankful!" -Chris Diamond "That was some of the best damn coding I've ever seen. Right up to the point where you formatted your system partition." -A. "My first advice is do not buy a Packard Bell.... The experiences my friends and I have had with PBs have not been positive. Yes, they are attractive machines at attractive prices. Too much so for the customer's good. I think of Packard Bells as Sirens singing on the rocks, beckoning sailors to their doom. Overdramatic? Sure, but did I make my point?" -David Coursey "As one Mac fan said in an e-mail, 'I would rather have my eyes ripped out than use a PC platform for my work.' I feel the same way. Do you know anyone who owns a PC who would say that about their computer? Don't you think there might be a reason why?" -Bob LeVitus "The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones that do." -A. "One might describe the full-time job of an infant as learning to distinguish between noise and signal in its personal universe. Having become proficient at that (each in one's own way), people continue to spend the rest of their life striving for signal over noise." -Harold A. Driscoll "The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, 'You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod...' That was pretty much the end of learning for that day." -DNRC Member "'Mistress Hibbins, whoever in the world put you in charge of impressionable goobering babies should be extruded and made into a coat hanger.... It is unfortunate and ironic that one such as yourself has such easy access to human infants when someone like me is barred by court order from even borrowing one from a friend, let alone adopting one or gestating one in an artificial womb in a perfectly nurturing laboratory environment.' -Arthur Breen, LCSW (UCLA), Ph.D (Yale U), Maitre D (Lettuce Entertain U) former Jack Klugman Professor of Pathological Ontology/Ontological Pathology Centers for Disease Control, Atlanta, GA re-license pending" -Jeff Dorchen