"The Good Life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge." -Bertrand Russell "I like how on Star Trek, whenever there's a piece of equipment that isn't working properly, all they have to do to infuse it with miraculous abilities which dramatically affect the plot is to 'reverse the polarity.' But even in real life that's kind of true. Take an ordinary hammer. If you reverse the polarity on an ordinary hammer, you get the claw end. While maybe that doesn't allow you to escape into the mirror universe, I haven't heard of the problem yet which couldn't be easily solved by splitting a man's skull open and running like a bastard." -Rob Fairchild "My computer couldn't find its own hard drive with both RAM chips and a bookmark." -A. "I go around feeling superior to everyone all day, and it does wonders for my self-esteem. Of course, I rule. Your mileage may vary." -Tarik Dozier "My biological clock has a very effective snooze bar." -Heather Ross "And these children that you spit on, as they try to change their world, are immune to your consultations. They're quite aware of what they're going through." -David Bowie, "Changes" "Obi Wan was always smiling, like the geezer knew something that you didn't. That's what the force is all about. The force means you are smarter than everyone else and you can sit back and think, 'I am one smart motherfucker; I have the force.'" -Craig Mitchell "The true ninja knows when to kill a boy and when to eat sushi off his ass. This is clearly the latter case." -Basaway "All effective stalkers know how to multitask." -Dale Freeman "In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is; you're what's left." -A. "...where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute, named Chloe, with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims - like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian woman, named Vilma, ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it." -Dr. Evil {Austin Powers} "For some reason, people just get upset when you demonstrate how clever you are." -Scott Adams "Nothing like going to a mall, or any retail store, during the Christmas season to quickly and efficiently restore a lack of faith in humanity." -Andrew Cone "Justice is incidental to law and order." -J. Edgar Hoover "Friend sees one of the Harley Quinns and mentions it to me. I squeal and squeal. Friend remarks that it comes with cloth clothes and two pet hyenas. I squeal louder and remark that everything in my life would be better, if only *I* came with two pet hyenas." -frostbite "...you thought I was just another bubble-headed blonde bimbo! Well, the joke's on you.... I'm not even a real blonde!" -Harley Quinn {Batman} "...I'll even go so far to say that I think that a bit of the apocalyptic Y2K-ness is good. I see it as expunging the world of a lot of otherwise unsavory genetic material. And personally, for every death cult that carries out a suicide pact, for every militia member killed when they try to raid their respective states capital (because you know at least a few militias are going to try to mobilize that night), for every idiot taken out when his makeshift bunker collapses and kills him, I will smirk just a bit harder." -Rob Havelt "Society often forgives the criminal; it never forgives the dreamer." -Oscar Wilde "And the beast shall come forth surrounded by a rolling cloud of vengeance. The house of the unbelievers shall be razed and they shall be scorched to the earth. Their tags shall blink until the end of days." -The Book of Mozilla, 12:10 "A boy should be able to name his cat 'Spatula' if he damn well wants to." -Devin Crain "Lambchop is evil, and lives for the stench of blood and war." -Tarik Dozier "The debate over AGP modes goes on and the only reliable way to get AGP 2X mode on super socket 7 motherboards seems to involve sacrificing a virgin to the Devil at midnight." -Matroxusers.com "A lot more people have been killed in the name of Christ than in the name of Torvalds; that's enough for my moral superiority kick." -Brian Pardy "We didn't fight the punk wars just so you could dress up as vampires." -a UK Goth "Chemistry, they say, is what attracts people to one another. That may be. But if, after the chemistry does its work, you don't rise to a higher level of consciousness, the chemistry will eventually turn into hatred. The passion will still be there, but the attraction will become malicious and revengeful. That's what soap operas are based on, and a lot of so- called great literature. That's what a lot of people still call 'love.'" -William Ashoka Ross "It is much better to be alone than in bad company." -Carrie Monster "That wasn't just plain terrible; that was fancy terrible. That was terrible with raisins in it." -Dorothy Parker "DISCLAIMER: If you're a superior and you are stupid or lack common sense, then please be as offended as possible. Nobody likes you. You make our lives hell. Please die. Thank you." -Joey DeLuna "You don't exist if I don't logon." -A. "I really do think people need to think for themselves. They need to agree with me, though." -Rick Taylor "Fear not the Darkness within yourself; at least it won't pull a gun on you." -Michael "Sometimes you love a celebrity so much that you wish he or she would be dipped in plastic then shrunk down to tiny size and enclosed in an airtight box so you could own him or her." -James Parry "On the other hand, it's probably good that I never get anything I really want, because I always want sharp, pointy things." -Rob Fairchild "You're right. There is an unspoken message here. It's, 'Fuck you! Leave me the fuck alone!'" -Jeff "The Dude" Lebowski {The Big Lebowski} "Some people are dumb." -Tarik Dozier "British cows may be mad, but they never set fire to the place." -A. "If I don't get a pizza here in ten minutes, I'M LETTING THE MONKEYS LOOSE!" -Dave Foley {The Kids in the Hall} "Some people look at green and they see nature in all its beauty and it makes them happy. Other people look at green and they think of money and greed and it's bad. But when I look at green, I just see blue and yellow." -Mike Muir "I will devour each and every one of you; that is the truth. Do you know the muffin man?" -Zorak "The Damned are a very dirty version of The Bay City Rollers... or Eddie and The Hot Rods with make-up." -Johnny Rotten (Sex Pistols) "Sometimes I fear I'm the only one who thinks this way." -Jenn Lewis "In Phoenix, it may be ten degrees F higher, but the humidity doesn't accost you and kick your ass." -John VerBurg "I think that some other species would be better served by eating small children... and we should find this species." -Emily Ryan "It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper." -Rod Serling "The following action show will feature six instances of blood spattering on a wall and one beheading... grab a beer." -Rick Taylor "Melodrama is interesting and has chicks tied to railroad tracks." -frostbite "Now, generally, I avoid buying pet toys that serve as metaphors for my own life, but in this case it's nice to not have to reach under the couch of temporal reality to retrieve the ping-pong ball of conscious existence because the cat of spiritual dissatisfaction won't stop meowing." -L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg "Soon the karate monkey death car would park in my space!" -A. "I will not be inconvenienced by a mere airline." -Lemmy "So, yes, dammit. I'm sad. And will continue to be sad for a while. So I encourage you, everyone who thinks I'm overreacting or being melodramatic, to enthusiastically and cheerfully fuck off. And I mean that in good spirits, really." -JoshD, on the untimely demise of The Pop Machine "A Democrat sees the glass as half empty. A Republican says, 'Who's been drinking out of my glass?'" -A. "Don't consider sarcasm the be-all and end-all of verbal intercourse. Far too many people place way too much importance on the sarcasm instead of the talking in and of itself as a precious shared experience between people." -Adam Rifkin "Ummm... no. Learn something about the topic as it pertains to itself, and try again." -Glenn Crowley "For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say 'Canada.' Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something." -Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S. "And they were all, 'We're the gods of rock!' And I was all like, 'Aw hell yeah!' But only figuratively; it was really more of an unspoken bond." -Tarik Dozier, on Poster Children "Speaking of unsubscribers, how does one know how to subscribe, but not UNsubscribe? Do they forget? It's on the www site! I think people get loaded, subscribe, then wake up in the morning... 'Man, am I hungover, hope I didn't do anything stupid last night.... ... OH MY GOD! I'M ON PKIDS-LIST!!'" -Bil Lusa "I came home after my wife had left for work, and she left a Post-It note on the door. I wish I'd saved it now. 'There's a HUGE!!! spider in here! I saw him last in the dining room! He looks like this and he said his name was Fang! I had to go, but KILL IT!'" -Squid "Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen a angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100mph. They'd be a lot more careful about what they say if they had." -Linus Torvalds "Andy, this sounds like a cry for help. Guys, we may need to perform an intervention here. This could take some time. Marcus, put a gun rack in your pickup, grab some '80s porn, and come over. I'll get two cases of cheap beer and we'll go save Andy." -Bil Lusa "The ice of Somerville is cloudy and reflects very little light... especially at night. What does reflect light is the very slushy mud puddle right next to the ice. In return for this diversion, the ice gives it your pant leg. In return for giving it a place to live, it gives the sidewalk your right palm. It saves your left shoulder and the muscles in your lower back for itself." -Bob Chapman "Humanity's first sin was faith; the first virtue was doubt." -A. "The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware." -Henry Miller "What the f*ck? I ask for pain, humiliation, and lady fingers... and what do I get? Chaos and poetic terrorism!? That's no adequate substitute." -Tarik Dozier, disappointed by AltaVista search results "Eric Clapton did for blues what the VHS tape did for the awesome power of Beta." -Victor Cortez "The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function." -F. Scott Fitzgerald "This is turning into a very disturbing episode of the muppets show." -Sam "Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith. I consider the capacity for it terrifying." -Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. "Oh my god! Please! Here! Take my wallet! Here! Sodomize my coin bag! Here! Borrow my toothbrush, but please don't take my sunshine away!" -Joey DeLuna, "Getting Up" "Everson's Constant: For every subject X, there are 3 Geocities pages saying 'X is Cool,' 2 saying 'X suX,' and at least 1 'X ate my balls.'" -RJ Bertsche "This Newton is the best thing since Cop Rock!" -Marcus Battle, February 2000 "I would have defeated you, if it wasn't for those meddling kids... and that monkey." -Zorak "If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." -Winnie the Pooh "It's an interesting world. Referring to others used to mean you were basing your ideas on something substantial. Now it means that you are being derivative." -Stephen "You have a kind face... the kind I'd like to chew off and spit on and spit up and stomp on." -Zorak "I am going to steal DNA from XTC and Public Enemy and Boston and Uriah Heap and Henry Rollins and make a true rock god. You will all dampen your khakis." -Zorak "If God meant for me to eat vegetation that wasn't triple washed and came in little bags, he would have made me dumb like you." -Bun-Bun "If something isn't good enough to be appreciated sober, than it isn't good enough. If I'm stoned, I can appreciate a Columbo episode as art." -Joe2.0 "People are doing *coke* in OUR TOWN??? What the HELL?? That seems so YUPPIE!" -Rose Marshack "Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh." -George Bernard Shaw "Most things are harmful to children because children are dumb." -Rob Fairchild "LARPing is oddity lite; you can always just say you were acting." -Tarik Dozier "What are you crying about, little girl? Your parents are sitting next to you and they're rich! In fact, if they weren't so busy reading the 'Rich Gazette' they would pay me a wad of cash to dance around like a monkey and entertain you. The very fact that I'm not dancing for you right now shows their indifference to you. They must hate you. You're fat and I'm betting you're pretty stupid, too. Now that I think about it, I guess you do have some good reasons to cry." -Craig Mitchell "Don't fuck with my paradigm." -Laura Reed "Anyone who would be part of a group that condones free towing and roadside assistance and discounts at repair shops, hotels, and restaurants nationwide is no one I would dare associate with." -Joe Nelson "Now, as I prepare my soul for an eternity of fire and poking...." -Homer J. Simpson "Guns are for those pussies who can't stomach killing something because it's too messy." -Marcus Battle "Fetch Daddy's blue fright wig. I must be handsome when I unleash my rage." -Carl to Little Carl, both of Carl and Sons "Most of you probably would have gotten through life without ever having considered that light pink Chee-tos would look a lot like maggots. But not any more." -L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg "Kurt Cobain isn't dead -- he and John Lennon are sitting in a small space station orbiting the earth, waiting for something cool to happen. It's your fault they're still up there, you boring bastards." -Rob Fairchild "Personally, I like adding 'the' even when it's not part of the name. Like, 'so, you like the Archers of Loaf? Personally, I really dig the Superchunk, because they play the rock and roll.'" -Chris Schneberger "Abe Lincoln wore a hat. He was tall. And when he wasn't digging around in his pockets for change, which he almost always was for some unknown reason, you could see that he had very large hands. He kicked people's asses with those hands. They were fists O' steel." -Craig Mitchell "The Bionic Man is also very strong. He is even stronger than the Incredible Hulk. My brother doesn't think so. He thinks the Hulk would kick the Six Million Dollar Man's ass. But think about it, like they would really fight in the first place. The Hulk would be all mad and tearing shit up, and he'd start coming towards Steve. But the Bionic Man would just stand there with that Bionic Man half grin and say, 'Easy there big fella.' They'd end up Indian wrestling or something." -Craig Mitchell "[Coke Is It] At this point, they've gone from authoritarian to positively Orwellian. 'Coke Is All There Is,' the slogan seems to imply. 'All Is Coke. There Are No Other Forms of Refreshment. Drink Coke Or Die Screaming.'" -L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg "If free speech = network TV time, then where the fuck's MY damn show?" -Denis Hostettler "If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost $100, get a million miles to the gallon, and explode once every few weeks, killing everyone inside." -A. "My fish just died. He was a goldfish. He just floats a lot now." -Richard Taylor "I'm about as subtle as the remains of a plane crash victim bouncing across a kindergarten playground at recess." -Joey DeLuna "Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damned Lies, Statistics, Benchmarks, and Delivery Dates." -A. "The only way tcsh 'rocks' is when the rocks are attached to its feet in the deepest part of a very deep lake." -Linus Torvalds "Man, it started with STP, and it has continued to include just about EVERY Modern Rock Band on Modern Rock Radio today: 'I liked a lot better back when they were Pearl Jam.'" -Denis Hostettler "Still, if you're in the mood to convince yourself that you're God's gift to macho displays of emotional grit, too much wasabi is a smarter way to go about it than, say, nude shark pummeling." -L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg "You just scared the Hell right out of me. Now I've got to go stuff it back in again." -N. Katherine Oswalt "To skillfully debate that which is unknowable is to speak nonsense as intelligently as possible." -Joey DeLuna "I'm not sure why it's good to compare something to the fun potential of 'a barrel of monkeys.' Like, 'Scrabble is more fun than a barrel of monkeys!' Actually a barrel of monkeys would have to be the most terrifying thing ever. Imagine prying off the top of the barrel, only to see six pairs of eyes glinting from the darkness, fixated with fury upon you and nothing else. All you can smell is monkey semen, sprayed everywhere from hours and hours of their combined total masturbation. The monkeys are matted and sticky, cold and wet, the fresh air and light causes them to start screaming and howling at you. They're extremely hungry and hideously angry, and you've just let them free. That's when the lead monkey leaps into the air and starts smashing your skull with the very crowbar you freed him with. Now what could be less fun than that?" -Rob Fairchild "Are you ready for pesto? Can you handle pesto? I've seen strong men crumble before a good pesto pizza, begging and drooling to be allowed another bite! Writhing in the torture of pure basil ecstasy! You're afraid, aren't you? You fear pesto! Bastard! Coward! Bastard!" -L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg "Anyway, some of that negativity must've rubbed off on me, because before long, I started saying the same things: Life sucks! It's so cold! The lady at McDonald's is trying to telepathically interfere with my brainwaves to make me kill squirrels!" -"Walter Lolich" {The Onion} "You may laugh in the face of fear, but it'll be a nervous, unconvincing little laugh." -ad for "Resident Evil, Code: Veronica" "Oreos are not so much the king of cookies as the evil overlord. And I mean that in a good way. Oreos have elevated cookiedom to an act of terrorism; when I don't have them I want them the way lab monkies want heroin. When I do have them I want more." -L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg "Reconsider your notions of what you think will rescue you from a future sterilized of progress." -Douglas Coupland, _Microserfs_