"Be who you are and say what you feel... because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." -Dr. Seuss "Everyone likes to talk about how evil and unstoppable Bill Gates is, but no one talks about mailing his ears to his horrified family until your obscene ransom demands are met." -Rob Fairchild "Hey... if he's so smart, how come he's dead?" -Homer J. Simpson "In summation, I took a crash course in Swedish from my beautiful, leggy girlfriend, Fovvie, and I would like to say to the band in their native tongue, 'Die ver Kettingshest. Magnus et Johan, ver shet dest ghettostyle tramsdine forvest!!!!!' ('I would kill your babies if only I could have some Kettingshest. Magnus and Johan, they are the cut rock stars the next big stars to eat the moldy, yellow boxes.') Thank you." -Ben Kahn "A computer scientist is someone who, when told to 'Go to Hell,' sees the 'go to,' rather than the destination, as harmful." -A. "The one thing the band kids and the orchestra kids had in common was a unified disgust for the chorus kids who were, to us, merely drama geeks with access to four-part harmony." -Sarah Vowell "My life has been leading up to midget boxing." -Rob Havelt "You can measure a man's worth by the breed of person he throws out of his office." -Lord Julius "If someone would only start running commercials for a pain relief medication that began: 'Damn humans! I've got another stupidity-induced headache!' man, I know I'd buy a lot of whatever that was." -Rob Fairchild "I shall tell you a great secret, my friend. Do not wait for the last judgment. It takes place every day." -Albert Camus "I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me." -A. "Yeah, the 'iloveyou' worm/virus thingy totally blew out the Big Three today... and some of their bigger suppliers, AND a number of European governments, resulting in a surprisingly, eerily peaceful day for me. So far, I'm all for it." -Bil Lusa "The old lady sitting next to me fell asleep as soon as we got in the air. That was a mistake. As soon as her head nodded forward, I dropped her hand into a pot of warm water. Then I covered her eyebrows with peanut butter, and did her hair with shaving cream. She looks pretty good now." -Craig Mitchell "It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian sheep because if you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is to stand still. Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another female, but there's just no way for us to know it." -Anne Perkins "Sensationalists are fairly boring to me. The truth is far more interesting." -Daniel Cain "Rock 'n' roll is part of a pest to undermine the morals of the youth of our nation. It is sexualistic, unmoralistic, and... brings people of both races together." -North Alabama White Citizens Council, 1950s "If only McDonald's would do society the good service of cooking up celebrities, day traders and entertainment industry lowlifes, we could finally and forever rid the world of hunger and Gwyneth Paltrow." -Rob Fairchild "If Windows is the answer, it must have been a stupid question." -A. "Yeah, okay, it's just that the image of her vomiting blood has burned a little place in the scary things section of my brain. It's no good, this blood-vomiting." -Emily Ryan "I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour...." -F. H. Wales (1936) "Please, for the sake of all of us, next time someone throws an excuse at you, ask, 'So what are you doing about it?' Hold their feet to the fire. Don't let them off easily. Life can be a bitch, but we're not robots." -Andrew Lester "Some people say cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." -Missy Dizick "The difference between humans and robots is that robots will ultimately turn on their creators and destroy the human race, whereas all we'll do is beg God for mercy while they're splitting open our skulls and digitizing our babies. See you in church, suckers." -Rob Fairchild "I didn't ask to be born, but it turned out to be not so bad after all." -Kristin Hersh "We will be playing on the deck until the neighbors call the police, so please make preparations to scatter as quickly as possible. Remember, you DON'T KNOW US!!! You were JUST PASSING BY! Under NO circumstances did you strip naked and jump in the hot tub with me! That's your story, and you're sticking to it!!!" -Paul Czarnowski "Hey, the hippie girls can seem harmless at first, but under that earthy, crunchy exterior is a heart of coal driven by psychosis and bent on revenge." -Bil Lusa "I have childhood memories of my mother transforming our Halloween pumpkin into our Thanksgiving pumpkin pies, which is heartwarming and all until you realize that carved pumpkins start to look pretty grotesque by Veteran's Day; so I'm hoping this is just part of the same false memory syndrome that lead me to believe that my father invented the cheeseburger in 1975." -L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg "It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons." -Jack Handy "There are few things that waste time and bandwidth so much as whining." -Tarik Dozier, 1995 "Linguists tell us that when popular culture changes the grammar and meanings of English words, it is pure snobbishness to prefer the old, 'right' way of spelling and saying things. But I don't think linguists would be so keen to embrace shifts in modern English if the new word for linguists was shifted to 'dorkwads.'" -Rob Fairchild "Don't interpret anything I say to fit your own perceptions, just listen to me, because I KNOW EVERYTHING." -frostbite, as Crowley "One day, I will no longer be a computer nerd. I will be a SUPERHERO!" -Keanu Reeves "Be warned, where Mission:Impossible was a complex story full of twists and turns, M:I 2 is about as subtle as Grandma's meatloaf. There is no place for subtlety in Mr. Action God's [John Woo's] movies; they would get in the way of the fists of death and the helicopters of pain." -Self-Made Critic "We can't afford to shop at any store that has a philosophy." -Marge Simpson "My grandmother could kill a bum. I mean come on, that bum was neither semi-naked, nor a teenager. What were you thinking?" -David Neilsen "I can remember five reasons why you're a butt. Guess I'm not senile after all." -Emily Ryan "In the last Godzilla attack, the incumbent failed to send out the fakey- looking plastic tanks to protect us. My opponent is obviously soft on giant monsters!" -L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg "The toilet is not a mechanical device; it works entirely by magic...." -Steve Renker "It's the year 2000. Where are the flying cars? I was promised FLYING CARS! I want to know why there are no flying cars! Why? Why? Why?" -Avery Brooks, IBM commercial "Homeless folk get new members daily; there's much less chance of inbreeding and even less that they'll be 'banjo savants.' As a matter of fact, I'd say that the incidence of banjo savantism is fairly low in Chicago and that the chance that any given member of the group of homeless folk in Chicago will own a banjo is distinctly less than for a similarly sized sampling of folk in, say... the Appalachians." -Richard Taylor "And that is that; when a Black Belt says there will *not* be a tornado, there will definitely NOT be a tornado." -Rose Marshack "I want your heart. I want to eat your children. Praise be to Allah." -Mike Tyson "I touched her in all the ways a woman likes to be touched and none of the ways that makes her laugh at you in that really awful dismissive way and get dressed. She touched me in the way you'd expect me to like to be touched, assuming I'm a perfectly normal man with no really strange desires, fantasies or allergies." -L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg "If you change these little things, it will start to change the way society as a whole thinks about animals. Then with that much done we'd have a foundation from which to build on for animal rights, and even the rights of roaches, leaves, and several types of ornamental grasses." -Uncle Fun "'EBM' and 'electro' are the terms industrial and Goth kids use because they cannot admit they are listening to techno." -Daniel Cain "Of course you'll have a bad impression of New York if you only focus on the pimps and the C.H.U.D.s." -Marge Simpson "Picard is the single coolest guy in the Star Trek universe. Spock, Sisko, and Worf come close, but Picard is still da shiznit. I love anyone who can make compassion and sometimes even desire come across as slightly arrogant and condescending... Wait... Tarik, will you marry me?" -Dale Freeman, funny man "43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped" "Technically, Windows is an 'operating system,' which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop operating." -Dave Barry "And 1.1.81 is officially BugFree(tm), so if you receive any bug-reports on it, you know they are just evil lies." -Linus Torvalds "In my mind... appearing to be 'smart' takes a distant second place in contrast with things like integrity and honesty... If folk choose to be alienated by my honest opinions or ideas then let them be alienated. In my honest opinion this means they need to be a bit more forthright about their own opinion or they have a few issues they need to deal with. In either case... it's not my responsibility. If they choose to go through life in a state of denial or mindlessness... who am I to stop them?" -Richard Taylor "I eat the flesh off the living, and I vote!" -A. "How can you not like Bizarro? Him do the opposite of normal people! Him only able to order Egg McMuffin after 10:30 AM! Him criticize iMac for having too many floppy drives! I only wish there were Bizarro versions of everyone, starting with Bizarro Bob Barker, who would end 'The Price Am Wrong' by saying 'Remember, everyone, let your pets fuck all they want!'" -L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg "Apple does not recommend allowing an elephant to operate a Mac in any environment." -A. "It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire." -A. "The file you requested does not exist. We apologize for any trouble, inconvenience, heartbreak, migraines, difficulty in sleeping, vague unfocused angst, roiling hostility, unexpected drops in barometric pressure, surliness in yourself or your co-workers, mouth sores, sexual dysfunction, unwanted celebrity, or distant howling on the very edge of your range of hearing that this may have caused." -The Brunching Shuttlecocks "99% of all humans should just fucking DIE! Unfortunately 100% do, so basically we're all fucked." -Joey DeLuna "This book... is also dedicated to the Department of Chemistry at the University of Illinois in Champaign-Urbana, whose persistent efforts finally convinced me that I was destined for some other career." -Richard A. Knaack "To help him narrow down the list of possibilities, Bush called on veteran political insider Dick Cheney, who conducted an exhaustive, wide-ranging search that took him to every corner of his house before he finally settled on: himself." -Dave Barry "Cheney has an impressive résumé: At various times in his career, he has served as secretary of defense, presidential chief of staff, congressperson, senior lifeguard, Wyoming state tango champion, and bass player for the Sex Pistols. He also is the perfect balance for the ticket, because whereas Bush is a wealthy white Yale-educated Protestant Western oil guy, Cheney is a wealthy white Yale-educated Protestant Western oil guy who is a completely different age." -Dave Barry "I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's; I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create." -William Blake "Most [computer] companies take things off the shelf. Since Steve Jobs isn't a professional engineer, he doesn't know what can't be done." -John Dvorak "Stay the fuck away from our Unix." -/.AC "I've heard it said that math is the universal language. I've also heard people say music is the universal language. But my vote goes to hardcore pornography." -Andrew Hicks, "A Fifth Year" "If I had wanted your website to make noise I would have licked my finger and rubbed it across the monitor." -A. "I passed Satan riding a Zamboni on my way to work this morning. Things got steadily worse soon thereafter." -A. "I'm not very discriminating with ice cream. Green tea ice cream, ginger ice cream, limited edition Chunky Monkey with real monkey -- I enjoy flavors man was not meant to enjoy." -L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg "HTML is for information interchange. That hasn't changed simply because we can make it look purty." -Tarik Dozier, HWG-Main, 1996 "There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full." -Henry Kissinger "By bashing you over the head with a steel chair, I proved that I am a man of integrity." -Kurt Angle "What little experience I have with this, though, suggests that most people, for some reason that I've never been able to divine, have a powerful urge to conform, and are willing to let society dictate how they act/look/think/dress/fuck/interact with pigeons/whatever. This is fine. I won't ever get in the way of people who wish to abandon their free will; it will make it easier to establish my evil empire one day." -Gregory Kveberg "Being mad at Canada is like being mad at, like, socks...." -Victor Cortez "A river of blood. Creepy. But in the end it sounds better than, say, a river of motor oil, syringes and abandoned shopping carts. At least blood is organic. Still I can see how when you've got a majorly river-based economy going, it could be difficult to make a transition to a massive blood-flow economy." -L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg "I know this annoys some people. This annoyance makes me happy." -Revscat "I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it." -Voltaire, 1767 "I'm not so much disagreeing with you as I am agreeing with what I said." -"Dr." Jonathan Katz "I am looking forward to an orderly election tomorrow, which will eliminate the need for a violent bloodbath." -"Bill Clinton" (Kodoss) "I'm going to have nightmares of a midget being torn from a cylindrical, beeping robot, screaming about one pound heatsinks and producing robot offspring...." -MWoody "This moment of booty was brought to you by the insanity network." -Pentilian "If a man asks for many laws it is only because he is sure that his neighbor needs them; privately, he is an unphilosophical anarchist, and thinks laws in his own case are superfluous." -Will Durant "When pirates got to port, they didn't want to hang around on ships drinking tea; they wanted booze and whores. Think of them as the frat boys of the Carribean." -Prof. Cope "Psychologists and designers really have a lot in common. We both charge by the hour, we see our clients on a weekly basis, and we both get to deal with deranged drama queens." -Taissa Lada "The UN*X directory structures can be really silly at times. My brain has trouble telling the difference between enviornment /usr/local/bin vs /bin vs /local/bin vs /opt/bin vs /local/opt/bin vs /Sys5v4/style/directory vs /ucb/style/direcory vs /redhat-linux/interpretation/of/the/posix/standard vs /debians/interepretation/of/the/posix/standard vs /directory/left/around/for/backwards/compatibilty. They're all full of symlinks pointing to each other. ARG! It's enough to make me pee in my pants!" -Stefan Lasiewski "Error 609: You have singlehandedly brought down the entire server farm. Please sit tight while we get the fire extinguishers." -www.itolympics.org "Keanu gets offered a red pill or a blue one - one pill makes him 'wake up' and the other, he just stays the same forever. Jim pipes up, 'TAKE BOTH PILLS!' Jim is always thinking outside the box." -Rose Marshack, on watching The Matrix "Hell, yeah, because I AM THE QUEEN OF THE WORLD and whatchagonnado?" -Scary Lady Sarah "I feel that this [1981] is my first year, that next year is an election year, that the third year is the mid point and that the fourth year is the last chance I'll have to make a record since the last two years, I'll be a candidate again. Everything I do in those last two years will be posturing for the election. But right now I don't have to do that." -Senator Dan Quayle "I want 'Vengeance On the White Man' Month." -Emily Ryan "The real world has a lot of pointy scissors, bunky. A child who's grown up on a fantasy island of rounded cutting implements is going to be in for a harsh lesson when it's time to enter reality. A harsh, pointed, gouging lesson that leaves a mark." -L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg, on roundy scissors "It had a good beat, and I could beat you to it. I give it a 75." -Zorak "Why, when I was yer age, miboy, we had to put up with using a computer. That's a complicated physically connected brick of processing components. We thought a mere 2^5 processors was worth drooling over. Yes, miboy, I know your cochlear implant has more than that. You're missing the point. This thing was tremendous! It took up a whole rack: four times the size of a grown man! And all of its memory circuits were in the same cabinet, requiring massive cooling apparatus, unlike the distributed memory crystals that people embed in their jewelry." -Ed Halley "He's dead, Jim. You grab his wallet, I'll grab his tricorder." -A. "RTFM is not having to say you are sorry. RTFM is a big chromatic dragon with bloodshot beady eyes and fangs the size of oars. RTFM is me screaming at you as fireballs come out of my mouth to get off your precious no-good tush, march down to the local bookstore or MAN page repository, and get the eff off my back because I'm trying very hard to get some freakin' work done. Jeez." -thinkgeek.com echo '[q]sa[ln0=aln256%Pln256/snlbx]sb3135071790101768542287578439snlbxq'|dc -A. "Merely having an open mind is nothing; the object of opening the mind, as of opening the mouth, is to shut it again on something solid." -G.K. Chesterton "I just hope, for 3Com's sake, that they never release an 'Audrey II.' I think that if 3Com entered the flesh-eating plant business, their image would suffer immensely." -CrazyD, on the 3Com Audrey "I've got a patent pending on swallowing, oxidation, and chewing gum." -Rob Malda (CmdrTaco, on BT's claim to patent hyperlinking) "Going from Linux to NT is like living in beautiful British Columbia and having to move to the set of Survivor without a Swiss army knife." -ceeman "Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it." -Marvin, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy "Just because I want to wear PVC in the warmly lit kitchen behind the white picket fence doesn't make me want the white picket fence any less." -Kalina McCreery (Kitten) "Multiple exclamation marks are a sure sign of a sick mind." -Terry Pratchett "The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first." -A. "Please don't correct me; it sickens me." -Mr. Furious {Mystery Men}