"Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the former." -Albert Einstein "Who is crazy, the world because it sees itself as it is, or I, because I see how it could be?" -Don Quixote "My apologies if I sound angry. I feel like I'm talking to a void." -Avery Pennarun "There must be a life form superior to us on this planet. If we're at the top, then this is a damn bad neighborhood. In fact, the whole Universe must be seriously flawed." -Revelation X, The "Bob" Apocryphon "I've never tried opening a car door with a hook, but one imagines it's something like trying to remove a bra with a spoon." -L. Fitzgerald Sj?berg "Crashing to an unusable state is patented (Microsoft made sure to get that one)." -d0m1n10n "MediaOne is good about picking up the phone, but then they just drool on the receiver. The Time-Warner crew never picks up the phone, but when they do, they bark into it." -Signal 11 "Use more exclamation points; that'll help." -Jamie "[Steve] Jobs is a unique person who is a genuine taste-maker and could as easily be comfortable in the fashion industry cussing out models as he is in the computer business cussing out whomever. It's a unique skill that is probably more important than ever (taste, not cussing)." -John Dvorak "What fresh hell is this?" -Dorothy Parker "There is no goth. There is no bitchiness. There are no cliques. There is only Zuul. (And possibly Marxist-Leninism)." -Gregory Kveberg "I mean, how many times can you hear Third Eye Blind's 'Semi Charmed Life' in one day before you end up going completely berserk and shooting up a McDonald's or something? I've never listened long enough to find out." -Craig Mitchell "When men speak ill of you, live so as no one may believe them." -Plato "If you're not on somebody's shit list, you're not doing anything worthwhile." -Stephen Samuel "For those of you who didn't take Art Appreciation in Junior College, there was a trend during the Renaissance to include in paintings and other works of art some reminder, small or large, that we're all gonna die: a 'memento mori.' This is just one of the reasons why Renaissance art is cooler than the Web." -L. Fitzgerald Sj?berg "The ability to monopolize a planet is insignificant next to the power of the source." -A. "Evil beware: I'm armed to the teeth and packing a hampster!" -Minsc "In 1994, shareware Doom, downloadable from the evil Internet, shatters existing gaming records. Its bloody graphics and Satanic imagery shock and offend many who are easily shocked and offended." -Jamie @ Slashdot "Stop laughing; if you were that desperate, you might come up with something just as stupid." -d.valued "Anyone miss me? Warning: If you say 'no' I will shoot salted peanuts at you from my left nostril... and I've got alot of 'em stuffed up there, too. Salted peanuts... think about it." -Joey DeLuna "Silence is the eloquent expression of the inexpressible." -A. "Exactly. Only, it's not just one wombat. It's, like, three or four wombats. And they have guns." -"Andy Wachowski" "It's like somebody dug Shakespeare's rotting corpse up from his grave, crammed a Speak N' Spell inside his decaying jaw, and created a webpage based off the witty discourse that followed!" -Richard Kyanka, on the subject of caken.com "Geese, I'm led to understand, make excellent watchdogs; which is good because Rottweillers make lousy poultry." -L. Fitzgerald Sj?berg "You'd be suprised how easy it is to change my mind if you give me the facts." -Signal 11 "You should never hand someone a gun unless you know where they're going to point it." -Commander Sinclair, Babylon 5 "Adam Sandler fulfills the long-standing insatiable American desire for dumb fuckin' movies." -Tarik Dozier "Often times I will be invited to a wedding for an archangel or a sub-level Demon and will go outside the registry and provide a nice crystal vase, an exquisite set of candlesticks, or a flaming pitchfork encrusted with the entrails of the damned, depending on the wedding. Remember, the right gift for the right couple." -Satan (David Neilsen) "No one ever went broke underestimating the taste or intelligence of the American people." -A. "Now that I think about it, I think if I were that dog I would have been conditioned differently by his treatment. I would have associated the ringing bell with lunging for Pavlov's throat and killing the bastard. Then I'd eat his food." -Craig Mitchell "No, this is my cause. I'm like the man who single-handedly built a rocket and flew to the moon. What was his name... Apollo Creed?" -Homer Simpson [The Sony VAIO laptop] is like a cake made of crap, but it at least USED to have an excellent frosting on the outside." -Ray Dobbs "Hit someone with a bat, you will surely make an impression." -Vippy "Have you ever dipped a mantis in rich, creamy milk chocolate?" -Space Ghost "I know some people are going to continue to accuse me of exaggerating, so let me be clear. Those people seek nothing less than the complete and utter destruction of the American way of life." -Al Gore "Zeus became the head god by dint of not being eaten by his father. Consider that a sort of eighth habit of highly effective people: very few of those in positions of power and authority were devoured at birth." -L. Fitzgerald Sj?berg "Linux does not solve all the problems. But we are working on it." -Alan Cox "What lawyers call 'intellectual property' is -- as every Latin student knows -- no more than theft from the public domain." -Andy Mueller-Maguhn, ICANN board member for Europe "Every day I learn something new that NT cannot do and something new that Unix CAN do." -Nick Driver "Eek! It's like waking up in the morning only to find that last night's drunken decision to shave off all my hair and glue it to my stomach was probably a bad idea." -Emily Ryan "Funny... there's a brightness dial on the monitor, but the users don't get any smarter." -A. "Cleanup in aisle five. After I get done cramming this retard's head into a box of Tide, there's going to be a cleanup in aisle five. That almost rhymed. I am a sensitive poet." -Cliff Yablonski "I don't need a compass to tell me which way the wind shines." -Mr. Furious (Mystery Men) "We must move forward, not backward... upward, not forward... and always whirling, whirling towards freedom." -"Bill Clinton" (Kodoss) "I got what I have now through knowing the right time to tell terrible people when to go to hell." -Leslie Caron "The electoral-college system was designed to protect our nation from the ignorance of its people. And, based on the 2000 vote, it's still dearly needed." -The Onion "I would love to travel back in time and shake the hand of the man or woman who invented mashed potatoes, in spite of the very real risk that I'd end up shattering the flow of time, making it so that my parents never met, invalidating my own existence, and creating a temporal rift that would result in a world where ficus trees rule the earth. And then I'd do the same thing with the person who invented garlic mashed potatoes." -L. Fitzgerald Sj?berg "Think about it. Hard. It's important." -CMB "[Grand Moff Tarkin] would kill your family and all of your friends and your dog too if you had him over for dinner. He would knock over the table and go Darth Vader on your ass. Then he would go looking for your rebel base. He has ways of finding out where you live." -Craig Mitchell "There is nothing wrong with any one person that can't be fixed with a hired assassin." -A. "Sorry, but I was listening to Bathory recently, and, well, it inspires me to great melodramatic writings borne on the very breath of god to the unbelieving hordes of infidels." -Ian Bennett "Maybe we need to stop thinking of this as a Mideast crisis and just think of it as Mideast culture." -The Onion "Slashdot is a magical place that transforms your opinions into my entertainment. That's why we keep score." -Tuffy "Also, the work speaks to the viewer's logical side, for it implicitly poses the conundrum, 'If this is not art, then it must be pornography. Yet I feel no sexual thrill from the work. Therefore, it must be art.'" -Erasmus Darwin "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." -Gov. George W. Bush "Madness is rare in individuals, but in groups, parties, nations, and ages it is the rule." -Friedrich Nietzsche "Facts are meaningless! You can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true. Facts, shmacts." -Homer Simpson "How do you get a bigger ego anyway? I never have figured that out. You know, they have breakfast cereals with extra fiber and protein. I wonder if they have one with extra ego? Honey Nut Ego Flakes? Someone needs to make these. I'd buy them." -Craig Mitchell "That which doesn't kill you probably needs to be larger." -Rob Fairchild "'-f' can only be used by 'trusted' users (normally root, daemon, and network) or if the person you are trying to become is the same as the person you are." -sendmail (1m) "This here is my comic. Is it not nifty? Worship the comic." "This despair is my comic. Is it not evil? Worship the evil." -Pete Abrams "[Kellogg's] 'Smacks' itself is actually a more parentally-acceptable version of the original name: 'Satan Worship Smacks.' It got shortened in the same anti-Satanist trend that changed the labels of 'Satan Crisp' and 'Satan Frosted Flakes.'" -L. Fitzgerald Sj?berg "I make it a point to avoid city driving if at all possible. One mile on the highway may take you 54 seconds, but in a city, it can take as much as six weeks." -March Briner "The politics of failure have failed. We need to make them work again." -"Bob Dole" (Kang) "Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists of choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable." -John Kenneth Galbraith "I keep pitching my epic space opera about alien robots who infest our planet and live off celebrities dryer lint to various publishers, but nobody wants to publish a book written by a leader of mexican food, and starring a hero named Litmus VanCenturfuge and his sidekick Pipet Jerks. I keep telling them my parents would buy copies." -Rob Malda (CmdrTaco) "That's a look you could pour on a waffle!" -Jerry "The King" Lawler "I've already called Rent-A-Date, but they're fresh out of evil." -David (Lucid) "God, you think you know somebody. Then you find out they have a black heart full of sin and chaos, or an unquenchable thirst for human blood, or something." -Penny Arcade "But now there's this 'Book of Shadows' movie, where they say the first movie wasn't real, but there are these five weirdos who thought that it was, so they go into the exact same woods looking for the first three guys. Then one of them takes the blue pill, and this hot chick in leather tells them the real world isn't real. All of the sudden the girl falls into some kind of hole and ends up at a tea party with a giant rabbit named Harvey. But she's the only one who can see Harvey, and no one believes he's real until this little kid named Cole says he can see him, too. Then Cole's head starts spinning around and split pea soup flies everywhere, splattering all over Edward Norton's face. He goes to take a swing at Brad Pitt, but it turns out Brad Pitt isn't real. So then I was thinking about it, and I thought, what if I'm not real? But then, you wouldn't be reading this review because it wouldn't really be here. Unless, of course, you're one of the people spying on me. GET THESE SPIDERS OFF ME! I'M BEGGING YOU!" -Moltar "Now, will those be migratory superfluous third nipples or just the boring static kind? If they aren't migratory I shant have anything to do with this." -Trae Gunning "First of all, it's a little bit unsettling to find out that a seven foot tall, 350 pound grown man finds me to be 'pretty.' Second of all, have you seen these sideburns? There's nothing pretty about these monstrosities." -Chris Jericho "Yep, don't get me wrong; if I lose my undies, it means I'm having a GOOD time." -Taissa Lada "Life is like a line of waiting taxi cabs pulled up to the curb in front of a fancy hotel. You never know which raving lunatic is going to get you to your destination - or for that matter, whether you'll get to your destination at all." -Craig Mitchell "Never fear answers. Only fear running out of questions." -Ivanova "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." -Gov. George W. Bush "I still participate in the family functions, though they have changed over the years; watching dad carve the turkey has been replaced with watching dad tear up the first floor of his house with a weed whacker because he's not willing to spend the money to hire professional carpenters nor to buy the proper tools. Besides, the money he saved can be used to buy duct tape, which every handyman knows full well can solve damn near just about everything. The final days of World War II, between the Americans and Japanese, was solved thanks to duct tape." -Paul Czarnowski "Can I tell you something about Kathie Lee [Gifford]? She eats puppies." -John Stewart "You are on fire. You might consider extinguishing yourself, but that would just be letting the Man tell you what to do." -L. Fitzgerald Sj?berg "For one hundred dollars you can buy sex, drugs, or murder. You can buy another human's dignity. You cannot buy shoes." -Rob Fairchild "Earl was beaten by the ugly stick so much when he was a kid, he now owns the exclusive rights to it." -Cliff Yablonski "Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it." -A. "Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor? Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys. Nature started the fight for survival and now she wants to quit because she's losing? Well, I say, 'Hard cheese!'" -C. Montgomery Burns "I wish I could say it's over. Closure with a President with the qualifications of a head of lettuce is still closure." -Rob Malda (CmdrTaco) "This election mess confirms what I've been saying for years: Our nation should be split into warring factions, each ruled by a warlord who receives messages from God." -The Onion "I think your big words and descriptive language may have confused some. You may want to chose words that can be understood by the vast majority of readers. Next time, I recommend starting your story with, 'some stank ass hoe....'" -John VerBurg "The adolescent romanticism makes you look like an asshole." -Madeline (Phillip Roth, Sabbath's Theater) "Yeah, you totally... introduced arguments and backed them up with logic and reasoning." -Edge "Why can't I stop exclaiming!?!" -Scary Lady Sarah "A 3dfx performance architect told me, 'It's possible that the [Sony PS2] Emotion Engine is using the Newton Raphson approximation to do those inverse square root calculations. It's pretty efficient and that's what Intel and AMD use, but it's recursive so it gobbles up clocks.' I really didn't understand what he was saying." -Alan Dang "Oh, you're one of those 'don't label me' kind of people." -Emil Ong "There's nothing to say. Darth [Vader] is it. He's the 800 pound gorilla of the Force, Mister Lightsaber himself, the Dark Lord of the Sith. He's got the Admiral-choking power, the kick-ass mask, the intimidating rasp, the jet-black TIE fighter, and the James Earl Jones voiceovers. I don't care what Obi-Wan says, this is a man who made some good career choices." -L. Fitzgerald Sj?berg "Weeeeellllll thennnn... there you have it. This monkey, though addicted to crack, will not dress in donut frosting." -Joey DeLuna "If I'm with someone who has an SUV, I'm not afraid to say, 'Hey, my brother is in jail for killing someone over a car like this.' If they express shock over my brother's fate, I just tell them, 'Oh, being in jail can't be too bad. You get a lot of anal sex there. I love anal sex.'" -"Jason Renfro," The Onion "Flamewars die, fluff is eternal." -John VerBurg "I can only assume the media is to blame, having painted video gamers as borderline psychopaths just waiting to snap and kill the person next to them on a daily basis, which is just a nasty lie. I haven't killed anyone in weeks." -Rodney Caston "Until next time, I'm a British person. Good night." -Malcolm McDowell "John Walsh is creepy, but I suspect I'd be creepy, too, were I John Walsh." -frostbite "This site is intended for people over 18, but only because kids shoot each other if they hear the word, 'fuck.'" -Seanbaby.com "Why do I get the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist?" -Lisa Simpson "WHAT? I DIDNT UNDERSTAND A WORD OF THAT I THINK ITS BECAUSE U DID NOT USE ENUF EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!! OKAY BYE" -Fargo "That's something I admire in alien overlords bent on the subjugation of our planet: attention to detail." -L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg "If you're gonna regress, I say dig deep. Run around in your undies and fling poo at everyone! Eat tape. Now that's what I call regression!" -The Self-Made Critic "When you sympathize with stupidity, you start thinking like an idiot." -A.