"When you cease to make a contribution, you begin to die."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

"We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his
own facts."
-Patrick Moynihan 

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until
they arrive."
-Anais Nin

"The only people for me are the mad ones,
    The ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, 
       mad to be saved...                                                  
 The ones who never yawn or say a commonplace              
    thing,  But burn, burn, burn,   
       Like fabulous yellow roman candles
         Exploding like spiders across the stars."
-Jack Kerouac

"Confine yourself to observing and you always miss the point of your own
life. The object can be stated this way: Live the best life you can.  
Life is a game whose rules you learn if you leap into it and play it to
the hilt. Otherwise, you are caught off balance, continually surprised
by the shifting play. Non-players often whine and complain that luck
always passes them by. They refuse to see that they can create some of
their own luck."
-Darwi Odrade (Frank Herbert)

"Note to self: People with purple hair are better at games." 
-Bill Maggs, Palm, Inc. CTO

"Do daemons dream of electric sleep()?"
-A.

"I've said it before, I'll say it again. If anyone truly wants to make my
holiday wishes come true, please bring me Fred Durst's head on a silver
platter."
-Daniel Caine

"Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life."
-Eric Hoffer 

"Well, thank you, Mr. Safety. This coming from a man who wrestled with a
tooth up his nose."
-Al Snow

"When you absolutely positively have to run somebody into the back of a
truck... you put 'em in a cart."
-Jim Ross

"Someday I'll be dead. That's really weird."
-Tina the Troubled Teen

"What would gothmail lists be without drama, threats of incalculable
violence and the joyous laughter that rings and peals bell-like over the
wooded hills and damp musky valleys of gothland? Where would the
entertainment value lie?"
-Rick Taylor

"After sixteen years, MTV has finally completed its deevolution into the
shiny things network."
-The Onion

"If God doesn't destroy the music industry, he owes a written apology to 
Sodom and Gomorrah."
-A.

"My thought is that the ultimate sporting spectacle would be if we could
somehow get a topiary rabbit and an ice sculpture swan to battle to the
death."
-L. Fitzgerald Sj?berg

"Windows is great... I used it to download Linux."
-A.

"'THE DARK LORD SATAN INFORMS ME THAT THESE LOAD BEARING SUPPORTS ARE
SUBPAR AND WILL FRACTURE UNLESS A REINFORCED FOOTING IS INSTALLED TO
SUPPORT THEM!' The Gothic Handyman works his magic again!"
-Cliff Yablonski

"I don't pay eight bucks to see an alien play with a puppy. At that price,
he'd better eat it."
-Nina {3rd Rock From the Sun}

"Somebody/something grant me the nuclear arsenal to kill the people I
don't like, the intergalactic spaceship to save the ones that I do, and
the mind probing futuristic torture machine to tell the difference."
-Joey DeLuna

"I'm not closed-minded; you're just wrong."
-A.

"Hannibal [Lecter] was a suave CAT, my friend. Who else would know a
great chianti that goes with fava beans and someone's LIVER?? Hannibal
lives like a REAL pimp."
-Caroline Clarke

"I'll torture you so slowly, you'll start to think it's a career."
-Darwin Mayflower {Hudson Hawk}

"I'm still waiting for the handhelp PDA/Phone with a nice built in game
system, and enough memory for a few days of MP3s, though. Oh, and 802.11
networking, and the ability to remotely display X11 apps. And it should
cook rice perfectly every time."
-Rob Malda

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
-Steven Wright

"Now, Julie, be good or I'll send you to bed without your rotting,
guilt-ridden psychic metaphors!"  
-Mr. Gone

"Most human problems can be cured with a sufficiently liberal application 
of dynamite. When you consider how many unpleasant side effects modern
psychoactive pharmaceuticals have, I'm surprised it isn't prescribed more
often."
-Rob Fairchild

"For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
and wrong."
-H. L. Mencken

"Just know that if you wake up nekkid in a rental car with an empty blender 
in your hand, you can rest assured that a good time was had by all."
-Caroline Clarke

"I don't think anyone here is interested in impressing you."
-Ronald Carrier

"To state the obvious, a dictum is not a holding and a Dopp dictum may be
no more than buzznacking."
-US Court of Appeals

"If this was a decent computer teacher, he would have noticed the telltale
signs of a hacker. You know... the backwards cap, baggy clothes, copy of
2600, skating around on rollerblades with a microcassette redbox, always
talking about his date with Acid Burn...."
-cslide

"If you aren't making mistakes, you aren't working hard enough."
-A.

"Personally, I don't have a problem with Jesus. He has his thing, I have
mine. While he hopes to save your immortal souls through love and crap
like that, I'm more into torturing every fiber of your being and watching 
locusts munch on your entrails. To each his own."
-Satan (David Neilsen)

"So there's your phrase for the day... 'cattle flatulence abatement.'"
-Andrew

"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body.  
Then I realized who was telling me this."
-Emo Phillips

"XSLT is, essentially, a programming language that converts XML documents
into other XML documents, and XSLT itself is an XML document. Why? Because
XML documents are sooooo late 90s, and in the late 90s, you could sell
shit-on-a-stick if it was XML-compliant."
-red pen

"If Christ died for my sins, I'd say he overreacted."
-A.

"Christmas is a time where people of all religions come together to
worship Jesus Christ."
-Bart Simpson

"I can't even turn on the goddamn radio without hearing some whiny
suburban white shitheads bitching about how life is cruel because Kroger's
is out of turkey or whatever the hell they bitch about. If it doesn't have
a brass section or one of those bigass fucking drums that the guy hits
with a huge mallet, it ain't music."
-Cliff Yablonski

"In spite of the fact that ancient Romans probably would have swapped any
number of valuable art relics for a single Sailor Moon digital watch,
people still love to put sundials on their lawns and in their gardens.
This reverence for the obsolete is oddly selective -- nobody seems to want
to bring back smallpox for that retro forties effect, but clocks made out
of concrete are big business."
-L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg

"Yes, I am an agent of Satan; but my duties are largely ceremonial."
-A.

"Shut up, be happy. The conveniences you demanded are now mandatory."
-Jello Biafra 

"Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites.
Moderation is for monks."
-Lazarus Long

"I really want the people that make my soap to huddle around an inverted
cross and pour goat's blood over themselves while reading 2 Corinthians
backwards. But then again, I'm just funny that way."
-Daniel Caine

"Man... that dude is dark."
-James Hatfield, re. Billy Corgan

"We should've realized the moral fabric of this country was going to the
shitter when we stopped burning witches."
-John VerBurg

"Now, I say if you want to kill yourself, don't fuck around with it; go on
and do it expeditiously!"
-Principal Joe Clark

"The Internet and its three-lettered child forever altered public
discourse, publishing, and business. Yes, while some of us were sitting
around with curly fries hanging out of our mouths, the Revolution
happened. And it wasn't even televised."
-A.

"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
universe."
-Carl Sagan

"A PhD means you're very intelligent, very creative, and have an amazing
ability to focus on narrow problems.  Nowhere did I mention rational or
polite."
-Peter Salzman

"In life, friends will come and go, but the music will always be there
for you."
-Natasha Wilde

"Following the success of dolls that shudder uncontrollably in 1996,
virtual pets that die in 1997, and furry electronic toys that mutter
nonsense in 1998, children this year are begging for the ultimate toy:
real live crack babies."
-L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg

"That The Waterboy was made is a sad testimony to the state of Hollywood
film-making. That it is a huge hit is a sad testimony to America and the
Human Race in general."
-SMC

"Unfortunately, neither good science, good technologies, nor good
intentions rules the world. Economics is why good ideas don't go anywhere,
and why mediocre ones excel."
-Small Box of Stuff

"To start with, there's no substitution for being polite. A simple
'Please' or 'Thank You' will go a long way towards making someone's day a
little bit brighter, a little bit happier.... You'd be surprised how many
miserable souls will allow me to carve unholy symbols on their eyeballs
when I simply say, 'Please.'"
-Satan (David Neilsen)

"When tiny worms of pestilence and famine are crawling along the insides
of the skin of the damned, the poor souls know that the only way they'll
ever get a moment's peace is if they raise their hand and wait for me to
call on them instead of just crying out in extreme agony. But they tend 
to scream anyway."
-Satan (David Neilsen)

"To be fair, not all evil robots are killers."
-Marge Simpson

"It's the kind of place that makes a bum feel like a king. And it makes
a king feel like some nutty, cuckoo, super-king."
-Jeff Martin, "Capital City" {The Simpsons}

"But no, I never joined a gang. They have terrible taste in music."
-Joey DeLuna

"You probably followed the recipe properly, but guests can be a little
intimidated by a flaming monkey."
-"Don Winston" (Dana Carvey), "Cooking With Monkey" {SNL}

"Deep in our hearts, your mom and I both know that you won't have sex
until we're both safely dead and buried."
-Dad {Girl}

"To whom it may concern.... What I should be doing with my life is none
of your concern... {FUCK YOU kindly}."
-Rick Taylor

"I, of course, have neither personal flaws nor particular assets."
-frostbite

"This poll offends my religion (or lack therof). Also it is unfair to
non-Americans. And vegans. And Samurai. Can I have a sandwich?"
-/.

"Do me a favor; don't scream. Just hear what I've got to say... and then
scream."
-Demon Knight

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and
day to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle
any human being can fight and never stop fighting."
-e.e. cummings

"There. Like most of life's problems, this one can be solved with bending."
-Bender Rodriguez {Futurama}

"Arrr. The laws of physics be a harsh mistress."
-Bender Rodriguez {Futurama}

"Let's get out of this Gosh-forsaken heckhole."
-Marge Simpson

"I think that technologies are morally neutral until we apply them. It's
only when we use them for good or for evil that they become good or evil."
-William Gibson

"Don't anthropomorphize computers. They hate that."
-A.

"Umm, yeah, I can make a bomb out of a used tampon, a pig liver, and
cinnamon-flavored dental floss."
-Karla Jeske

"Sometimes I wish you were dead, so they could put you on a stamp."
-Sally Solomon {3rd Rock From the Sun}

"One thing I admired about Petro is that when he did call you a pigfucker
he sent along a hermetically sealed argument as to why you were a pigfucker."
-John VerBurg

"Listen; this is gonna be one hell of a bowel movement. He'll be lucky
if he even has any bones left."
-Prof. Hubert Farsworth {Futurama}

"Then I shall unleash a firestorm of humility the likes of which this
universe has never seen!"
-Space Ghost

"Status dictates who waits. Making a person wait is an exercise in power.
There is no greater symbol of domination, since time is the only possession 
which can in no sense be replaced."
-Robert Levine

"I am the puppycrusher and the kneebiter; I am the Chem TA, destroyer of
grades."
-Glenn Crowley

"There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots."
-Demotivators.com

"A great deal of intelligence can be invested in ignorance when the need
for illusion is deep." 
-Saul Belloe

"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought
to myself, 'where the hell is the ceiling?!'"
-Delitescence

"I don't know how anyone could enjoy masturbation. I only masturbate for
procreation."
-Josh Graves

"When your life flashes before your eyes, make sure there's something to watch."
-A.

"They left out the Number One Way to avoid sexual predators: Wear a clown
suit. Yeah, you think I'm kidding? Think about it. Have you EVER heard of
a woman in a clown suit being raped? Didn't think so."
-Chad Savage (Zombo the Clown)

"If you're not angry, then you're stupid or you just don't care."    
-Ani DiFranco

"You are a BALL of WRONG with LEGS."
-Laura Neil

"Wow, you're like a real live Martha Stewart. I mean, without the evil."
-Becky {The Simpsons}

"Hi, I'm Kate's cleavage."
-N. Katherine Oswalt

"Then a crown of thorns was placed atop Jesus' head, and then Jesus was
all, like, 'thanks.'"
-Stan Marsh {South Park}

"Human females prefer movies depicting one person dying slowly. The male
prefers movies showing many people dying quickly."
-{The Mating Habits of the Earthbound Human}

"I'm sorry, but I don't have a lot of time coming up soon and thought I'd
send a 'gentle' reminder. I keep forgetting that 'gentle' and 'subtle'
are, for me, 'a pair of horny bulls in a China shop that specializes only
in authentic ceramic life-size cow statues of some kind.'"
-Paul Czarnowski

"Dude, Tarik stole my answer and said it more eloquently than I could
have. Fuck that."
-Devin Crain

"Pardon me, but Tammy and I need some canola oil, rope, and a zucchini."
-Ajax Duckman

"Death is not the enemy. Death simply is."
-A.

"If I take a lamp and shine it toward the wall, a bright spot will appear
on the wall. The lamp is our search for truth... for understanding. Too
often, we assume that the light on the wall is God, but the light is not
the goal of the search, it is the result of the search. The more intense
the search, the brighter the light on the wall. The brighter the light on
the wall, the greater the sense of revelation upon seeing it. Similarly,
someone who does not search - who does not bring a lantern - sees nothing.
What we perceive as God is the by-product of our search for God. It may
simply be an appreciation of the light, pure and unblemished, not
understanding that it comes from us. Sometimes we stand in front of the
light and assume that we are the centre of the universe - God looks
astonishingly like we do - or we turn to look at our shadow and assume
that all is darkness. If we allow ourselves to get in the way, we defeat
the purpose, which is to use the light of our search to illuminate the
wall in all its beauty and in all its flaws; and in so doing, better
understand the world around us."
-G'Kar {Babylon 5, "Meditations On the Abyss"}

"We spend too much time trying to be serious, as if that proved that we
were more enlightened... better than everyone else. But we can't be free
until we learn to laugh at ourselves. Once you look in the mirror and see
just how foolish we can be, laughter is inevitable; and from laughter
comes wisdom."
-G'Kar {Babylon 5, "Meditations On the Abyss"}

"If we let the dream die, what is the point of waking up?"
-A.

"At Gene Enterprises we've harnessed the power of the human gene, so you
can say goodbye to your allergies forever with new Nozulla. Nozulla may
cause the following symptoms: itchy rashes, full body hair loss, projectile 
vomiting, gigantic eyeball, the condition known as 'hot dog fingers,'
children born with the head of a golden retriever, seeing the dead, bone
liquification, possession by the Prince of Darkness, tail growth, elderly
pregnancy...."
-E*TRADE commercial

"I'll say one thing for you, you've got guts... which will shortly be
apparent, when you explode."
-The Commander {Black Mask}

"Well, Taka has girlfriend of his own. Look at her! She is hot, she is
voluptuous, but more importantly... she is eeeeviiilll."
-Taka Michinoku

"Double-penetration?"
-Emily Ryan

"'A not quite mortal sin' is trademarked -7000 Satan incorporated, 1 Blake
St., Hell, Underworld, 66666. Violators will simply be diced into 1/2 inch
cubes and served to the 'lipless ones' on level 7 who will, of neccessity,
force them into obscure bodily orifices while singing Gene Autrey's classics. 
{Some folk you just don't fuck around with.}"
-Rick Taylor

"Speaking from a strictly medical point of view... that ain't right."
-Dr. Raymond Hibbert {The Simpsons}

"But if you do go to these stores to buy it, make a big deal about it. 
'Oh wow! the CRC COMPILATION, WE GOT ROCK! FIVE BUCKS! TWENTY ONE BANDS! 
I thought I was going to have to spend a fortune to get this thing! I was
about to sell my oldest child into the black market to get this, but now 
I just need to rent them out every other weekend! Thanks, CRC! And thank
you, (name of record store)! Oh how I wish I could take all the employees,
one by one, into the back room and thank them personally for carrying it!
But I must purchase this, and tell my friends to do the same! THANK YOU,
(name of record store)!' Please use this exact paragraph."
-Paul Czarnowski

"Look at me! I'm a rapper! Kiss my ass!"
-Ice T, shouting from his balcony in the Hollywood Hills, which looks down
 upon Beverly Hills

"I think that everyone at one time or another should start a band, just so
that they can smash things."
-Marilyn Manson

"I'm required by law to explain to you that I am allergic to ethereal
music. Messages involving this genre will most likely be met with snide
derision, a sneer or condescension. It's a bit like Tourets Syndrome."
-Rick Taylor

"What does it take to be Chyna? Brains, breast implants, steel will, and 
a sense of humor."
-Tim Appelo, Amazon.com