"When one man, for whatever reason, has the opportunity to lead an extraordinary life, he has no right to keep it to himself." -Jacques-Yves Cousteau "We judge reality by the responses of our senses. Once we are convinced of the reality of a given situation, we abide by its rules." -Spock {ST:TOS, "Spectre of the Gun"} "Every time I take a look at myself, I can't believe how awesome I am...." -Strong Bad "I had seventeen hours left to graduate [from college]; I didn't get a degree. I got burned out... but it hasn't really hampered my success yet. I'm doin' okay." -Steve "Stone Cold Steve Austin" Williams "I pity the fool, thug or soul who tries to take over the world then goes home cryin' to his mama." -Mr. T "Even Microsoft... that sounds like a word, but let's break it down. Two words that mean 'tiny' and 'not hard.' What is Bill Gates trying to tell us?" -Paul Shurston, on NPR "Of course, now that I have my own kids, I REALLY want to change the world so they have something great to grow up for. But I also realize that some things are more important than others: making sure my kids eat well is a little more important to me than making sure no dolphins were killed in the manufacturing of their peanut butter; making sure they're dressed warmly enough is more important than taking revenue away from farmers who refuse to use organic techniques; making sure they're happy is more important than worrying about whether buying them a video they want is going to result in another painful Mariah Carey album." -Lelah "I recently read a survey that said that 30-40 percent of Americans get their news from late night comedy shows, and I just want to say one thing to those people... DON'T DO THAT! WE MAKE THINGS UP! WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOING!" -Jon Stewart {The Daily Show} "Perhaps that's why the road to knowledge was forbidden... [God] don't wanna be replaced?" -Rick Taylor "I would imagine that the WCW video games would be a lot slower than ours since most of their wrestlers are." -Paul "Triple H" LeVesque "More people would have babies if they came with free garlic bread." -Harry Solomon (3rd Rock From the Sun) "I don't get mad; I get stabby." -Fat Tony (The Simpsons) "Now more than ever, SODA RULES!" -Edge & Christian "Aren't you the guy who drank pee last week?" -The Rock "Improperly used, joy can be a terrible thing. It can lead to pleasure. And to the wasting of precious natural resources like petroleum. And baked goods. And to drugs. And pregnancy. And to anonymous sex in the back rooms of convenience stores. Monitor carefully thy use of joy lest thou end up a hopeless addict... suffering mightily, steeped in sin and debauchery and pounding at the back doors of the White Hen throughout the rest of thine evil and desolate time on this unhappy planet." -Rick Taylor "I know of several exotic poisons that have the meaty taste dogs love." -Dale Gribble (King of the Hill) "Parents who don't have access to the Internet should have their children taken away." -Peggy Hill (King of the Hill) "On the heels of the Road Dogg auctioning off two hours of his precious time to the highest bidder on eBay comes the news that Torch Assistant Editor Jason Powell will be offering a similar deal on auction. The highest bidder gets Powell's personal guarantee that he won't show up at their house unannounced one day, eat all their junk food, drink their beer, and make fantasy football deals on their long distance until all hours of the night. If this works out, editor Wade Keller will be holding a similar auction, only he won't drop by with his Duran Duran CD collection to explain to you why Simon LeBon is a fashion genius." -Bruce Mitchell "Don't worry; being eaten by a giant crocodile is just like falling asleep... in a giant blender." -Homer Simpson "Shit-on-a-stick is free too, but that doesn't mean I'm going to brush my teeth with it." -Tarik Dozier, on the subject of Hotmail "Hey, when I eat other humans, I get a little crazy." -Lewis Black, on mad cow disease "Monkeys are kinda fun... except when they attack any girls that are trying to pet them to establish their dominance. It's really embarassing, 'cause ya know... you get the girl to look at your monkey, then he attacks her. It really doesn't impress her to actually PLAY with you or your monkey anymore, as she's scared now...." -James Spicer "His ignorance is painful." -Cell (DBZ) "The only place that I don't want to be is trapped inside your belief systems." -Raven "Whoa! Medicine Man not go near Dances With Stumpy!" -Dr. Allan Pearl (Waiting For Guffman) "Never send a monster to do the work of an evil scientist." -Mad Scientist (Looney Tunes) "How about GROIN-GRABBINGLY transcendent?" -Homer Simpson "When any creativity becomes useful, it is sucked into the vortex of commercialism, and when a thing becomes commercial, it becomes the enemy of man." -Arthur Miller "Hey... you can't just imply that I have to handle fecal matter and then just walk away." -Tarik Dozier, talking to his cat for some reason "Don't ever be someone's slogan, because you are poetry." -Susannah Grant "Ha ha ha. I'm UNBELIEVABLY amused!" -The Collector {The Simpsons} "Ka-BAP! Fiery serpents, bitches!" -James Quill, summarizing the Old Testament "I'm a white male, ages 18-45. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are!" -Homer Simpson, reaching for his can of "Nuts & Gum" "That's it! I want him dead; it's a matter of principle." -Android 18 (DBZ) "I know I'm being hard on you... but it's the only way you'll learn." -Android 18 (DBZ) "A diary is a very personal thing. You fill it with your deepest thoughts and your innermost secrets. You fill it with tales of love and loss, and if you've led any kind of interesting life, descriptions of wild sex involving harnesses, lubricant, and possibly some vegetables." -SMC "Yeah, well, your mom's attacking Tokyo." -Emily Ryan "They may be saying to themselves, 'Hey, y'know, this guy's not mean, he's not cool... and people seem to like him; maybe I don't have to be mean or cool or look good in a Speedo, either.' I think that's my goal in life. I'm a role model for losers." -Mick Foley (Foley Is Good) "In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!" -Homer Simpson "What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them... as is my understanding...." -Bart Simpson "If you are so Goth, where were you when we sacked Rome?" -A. "At first glance it might seem like a good idea to take a dump on the Thanksgiving dinner table, but you'll be thinking differently when your mom's asshole boyfriend makes you eat it." -C. Bernie Hunt (39 Defecation Mistakes) "There are no monkeys posting here. No Yeti either..." -Richard Taylor "I've heard that 'coolness' can cause strange behaviors like the wearing of sunglassess in dark clubs, bizarre speech disorders and tne use of obscure terminology, poor posture and a tendency to move only ones shoulders whilst dancing." -Richard Taylor "We're like that guy who had a pointed stick instead of a rock." -Quizno's "I didn't ask to be Secretary of Balloon Doggies... the balloon doggies demanded it!" -Franklin Sherman {The Critic} "I REALLY wanted to find Trent Reznor's house in New Orleans during GothCon 2 so I could raze it to the ground and salt the earth, but unfortunately I forgot." -Brett Peugh "The Bible tells us to be like God, and then on page after page it describes God as a mass murderer." -Robert Anton Wilson "Enough with the suspense, already! Get on with the blasted story!" -Vegeta {DBZ}, ironically "It is our job to stand between evil and the innocent." -A. "You know, the REALLY fucked up thing about Japanese culture is their censorship laws. You can show a woman shitting into a guys mouth, then slicing her head off and pissing into her decapitated head, but OH NO, you can't show genitals!" -Stile "Besides, someone with punctuation and spelling as bad as yours has no business being so snooty." -Lelah "Research indicates that you and your families bitch, like, way too much." -Steve Carell "I'm not sure, but I think you're fighting enemy soldiers, a team of aliens, and you get double-crossed by zombies, but... whatever. This game is all about explosions." -Tom {Toonami} "It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example." -A. "So, maybe enthusiasm for the commercial viability of the Internet is waning. But I defy you to find a better medium in which to have tea with Hello Kitty." -The Onion "Did I mention that my nose is on fire, and that I have fifteen badgers living in my pants? I'm sorry; would you prefer ferrets?" -Susan Ivanova {Babylon 5} "As my granddaddy used to say, 'the less a man makes declarative statements, the less apt he is to look foolish in retrospect.'" -Chester {Four Rooms} "My name's Thelonius. The esoteric appeal is worth the beatings." -Thelonius {The Simpsons} "Spike Dudley is one of the greatest bump-takers in the business, next to Jeff Hardy. Heck, he could make a handshake look deadly." -Heather Logan "Mono[nucleosis] does not suck in a nice way. It sucks in a very MEAN way. It uses teeth. Fuck mono." -Steve Sobel "How are you going to respond when the Clock-Radio of Challenge emits the Irritating Buzz of Opportunity? Are you going to roll over and hit the Snooze Button of Complacency? Or are you going to wake up and, after performing the Bodily Functions of Preparedness, boldly grasp the Toothbrush of Tomorrow?" -Dave Barry "If there's no dancing at your revolution, I'm not coming." -Emma Goldman "By golly, Jim, I'm starting to think I can cure a rainy day." -Dr. Leonard McCoy {ST:TOS} "Compare that to the MR2's pathetic ~135 lb/ft. I doubt you could drag a stack of dead bodies very far if you were being chased by zombies. I can't tell you how often that comes in handy." -@ndy "The truth indeed has never been preached by the Buddha, seeing that one has to realize it within oneself." -Lamkara Sutra "God shmod; I want my monkey man." -Bart Simpson "The best part about being a family is finding people you want to kill and then working together to kill them." -Eric Duckman "An operating system based on Win95 (like Win98 and WinME) is like a water balloon filled with vomit. It has limited uses, it's messy to handle, and if you run with it long enough... well, you'll regret it." -Tarik Dozier "Control or disorder... is a matter of analysis." -Sun Tzu, The Art of Strategy (c. 300 B.C.) "Coffee should be black as Hell, strong as Death, and sweet as Love." -Turkish proverb "I was striving for a lack or irony, but there's a limit to how little irony I can pull off at this point." -Donald Fagen "I haven't slept with anyone for two years. I never sleep when I have sex. I usually try to stay awake." -Boy George "This is worse than being in the middle of a Teletubby orgy...." -Joey DeLuna "Ahh... The Breakfast Club soundtrack. I can't wait until I'm old enough to feel ways about stuff." -Philip J. Fry {Futurama} "In a perfect world, we'd all lie blind and motionless in stacked coffins filled with pudding. It would be dark and warm and nobody would have to compete with anybody and also the government would pay for the pudding." -OldManMurray "All right, grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mouseketeer reunion." -Bender Rodriguez {Futurama} "I don't meet that many guys with dead guys with hard-ons in the back of their car." -{Six Feet Under} "Boys and girls... go up to someone you know today and tell them about your trousers." -Space Ghost "As the first black female head of the Ku Klux Klan, I'd like to say that America stinks!" -Franklin Sherman "By the way, there's a spooky cloud turning people into clown zombies or something. You might want to do something about that." -Officer Kosgrove {Freakazoid!} "Your feelings will stop you. That's what makes you weak." -Vegeta {DBZ} "Yes... Vegeta. He is a brave one. Incredibly stupid, but brave nonetheless." -Cell {DBZ} "'Sorry' doesn't put thumbs on the hand, Marge!" -Homer Simpson "Your Pentium, contrary to what many learned scientists may tell you, runs only because it is willed to do so by small rat-like creatures that inhabit the 26th dimension. When they die... so does your Pentium. {Intel has a sort of bargain with them. So does god.}" -Rick Taylor "They stole this music from black people... but the black people were going to throw it away anyway." -Tom Servo (MST3K) "The following images may appear to be an abstration of reality, when, in fact, it is your world that is the illusion." -SCI FI "Today I found a dead alien. I dressed him up in women's clothing and stood him on top of my garage in a hooker pose. I'm gonna take pictures of the first flying saucer that comes by. I hope that I'll become the first intergalactic vice squad agent from Earth. Wish me luck... wish me luck." -Joey DeLuna "And though I will try to avoid this, if you die, you will be disqualified." -Cell {DBZ} "I thought yogurt had bacon in it. Turns out it doesn't." -Officer Kosgrove {Freakazoid!} "...because coffee without the caffeine is like sex without the costumes." -Eric Duckman "The artist is a receptacle for the emotions that come from all over the place... from the sky, from the earth, from a scrap of paper, from a passing shape, from a spider's web...." -Pablo Picasso "So you are saying you only want discussions you can win?" -Rick Taylor "A thousand experiments may prove me right, but it only takes one to prove me wrong." -Albert Einstein "Chef Carlos seems to have the boogie oogie oogie down to his feet, whereas I have the funk in my booty." -Food Network "Also remember to remove all the vowels from your name. Why? Because vowels are a sign of weakness." -Ultrashock.com "I know he is a dork, but he is our dork. He is a dangerous dork." -Vince McMahon on Kurt Angle "Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions." -Abraham Simpson "Hundreds of chickens try flight every year. None of them get higher than two feet. What do your chickens try?" -Cartoon Network "Clean, lemony-fresh victory is mine!" -Invader Zim "I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world." -Homer Simpson "Son, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times; who are you people?" -Franklin Sherman {The Critic} "Disruptive technologies always appear to incumbents as toys." -David Isenberg "On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points." -Virginia Woolf "Goku died for our sins." -Tarik Dozier "Others may hate you, but those who hate you don't win unless you hate back; then you destroy yourself." -Richard Nixon "I have nothing but respect for you... and very little of that." -Paul Heyman "We interrupt this program to increase dramatic tension. Thank you; and now back to our program." -{Freakazoid!} "Revenge is a dish best served with pinto beans and muffins." -Ricardo Montalban {Freakazoid!} "If something's going to be evil, it might as well taste good." -Jonathan Richman "I was in a student film once. Well, it wasn't actually a student film, though it did feature several teenage girls in cheerleader uniforms. I played Professor Spankem." -{The Critic} "As I was driving my BMW through my suburb while listening to Public Enemy this morning, the irony of the situation was not lost on me." -Tarik Dozier "Soon there will be more people using the Internet than there are people in the world." -Ameritech commercial "It was a tumultuous time for our nation: the clear beverage craze gave us all a reason to live. The information superhighway showed the average person what some nerd thinks about Star Trek. And the domestication of the dog continued unabated." -Homer Simpson "And I suppose you have something better to do, Mr. Too-Busy-To-Show-Off- Your-Pecs." -Captain Ginyu (DBZ) "Leave my bad poetry alone." -Tarik Dozier, 1996