"One does not wield a sword like a latex dildo!"
-John VerBurg

"Hey, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a good-looking goth
chick swinging a sword like a latex dildo. If I look hard enough, I'm sure
I'll find a fetish group that embraces that practice."
-Reuben Chew

"You know me, Marge... I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals
FLL-AMING."
-Homer Simpson

"COBOL can't handle a googol-ruble unless you anticipate that you'll be
dealing with googols of rubles, in which case you're asking the language
designer to understand Russian central-bank policy, which even Russian
central bankers don't understand."
-Crash

"If you don't go now, I will perform acts of violence upon you that make
the bloody Devil cry! Now bugger off!"
-William Regal

"Freak."
-Kane

"If I don't have a phone line, I shall squeeze you, and I shall keep on
squeezing you until your man-juices run dry."
-Ricardo Montalban {Freakazoid!}

"Horror, by definition, is the emotion of pure revulsion. Terror, by the
same standard, is that of fearful anticipation."
-Dario Argento

"Amazin' Lazer can be used for good or evil. Please only use for good."
-SNL

"That's right, ladies and gentlemen; tonight we kick off a rectum-
rocking new season of mayhem, madness, and mutilation. Now with 36% 
more ass-busting, ass-kicking, and ass-beating... and 57% more 'ass'
references."
-{Celebrity Deathmatch}

"Maybe I'm the voice of reason for the masses, or maybe I'm just another
unreasonable voice in the vocal minority. Either way, I'm okay with that."
-Tarik Dozier

"Wait a minute... you're gonna drink his juices?"
-Officer Cosgrove {Freakazoid!}

"Kid, you're not a failure. It's just that your ideas are silly and dumb."
-Officer Cosgrove {Freakazoid!}

"Not only does Jesus save, but he makes nightly off-site backups."
-A.

"I thought such awful thoughts that I cannot even say them out loud
because they make Jesus want to drink gin straight out of the cat dish."
-Anne Lamott

"The older you get, the more interested you get in Britney Spears."
-Sen. John McCain

"Senator, you can sponsor my bill any time."
-John Stewart

"If you're a United States senator - and you're not currently under
indictment or in detox - then you're automatically considered a potential
candidate for the presidency."
-Sen. John McCain

"I want to see Babeheart. It's about a cute little pig who slaughters 
the English."
-Officer Cosgrove {Freakazoid!}

"Truth, when witty, is the wittiest of all things." 
-Julius Hare and Augustus Hare 

"It is necessary to the happiness of man that he be mentally faithful to
himself. Infidelity does not consist in believing, or in disbelieving,
it consists in professing to believe what one does not believe." 
-Thomas Paine 

"How would you like me to twist your body into funny balloon-animal shapes?"
-Officer Cosgrove {Freakazoid!}

"The pleasure of expecting enjoyment is often greater than that of obtaining
it, and the completion of almost every wish is found a disappointment."
-Samuel Johnson

"A narcissist is someone better looking than you are."
-Gore Vidal 

"At the border of every virtue will be found a vice, either one that is
already called by a definite name, such as audacity - which borders on
confidence - or stubbornness - which borders on perseverance - or 
superstition which is neighbor to religion. All these and the contraries 
of good things are to be avoided."
-Marcus Tullius Cicero

"No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up."
-Lily Tomlin 

"So this is public television. Suddenly I feel like beating the crap out
of Fred Rogers."
-Crow T. Robot

"The network security policies of many companies can basically be summed
up to say, 'Security? That's... a... good thing, right? Then yes, we're
pro-security. Natch.'"
-Tarik Dozier

"Why do they always talk so much?"
-Bruce Wayne {Batman Beyond}

"We are superheroes, men; we don't have time to be charming!"
-The Tick

"'Outlook not so good.' That magic 8-ball knows everything! I'll ask
about Exchange Server next."
-Sharkey

"News anchors should not be allowed to say anything unless it's printed
on a cue card or teleprompter and pre-approved by a tribunal of elders."
-Tarik Dozier, watching insipid banter on the news

"The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead."
-Craig Kelley 

"Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something."
-Henry David Thoreau

"Sell a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to sell fish and
he will compete with you in the fish sales industry for the rest of his
life." 
-A.

"If the Internet ceases [to exist], then society will regress to the
point when you can only create pr0n from whatever scraps you can find 
in the dilapidated ruins of New York city."
-A.

"I am the light in the darkness. I am truth."
-Goku (DBZ)

"I knew some goth girls when I was a younger teenager, but didn't know
enough to refer to them as 'Goth.'  The closest thing I could come up
with was 'indescribably beautiful.'"
-Tarik Dozier, 1996

"So the right path might be a sinful path?"
"Isn't it always? Ask anyone who's ever fought a war."
-Micheal Miner & A.E. Eyre

"I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience
most of them are trash."
-Sigmund Freud 

"Complacency is a far more dangerous attitude than outrage." 
-Naomi Littlebear

"In other news, the populace of the world collectively threw up their
hands as Corporations began the patenting and licensing of water to the
human race. Russia commented this afternoon, stating that they didn't
give a flying fuck. Hong Kong stated that they had been pirating that
for years, and would continue to whether we liked it or not. China
closed all relations, stating that, 'we may be brutal, but you guys are
just plain insane.' Canada dropped all pretense and joined the US."
-Kypper

"I tend to think that the easiest way to get more immediate funding for
departmental toys is through intimidation. That's why my boss gave me an
additional title: Deputy Minister of Pain. My first duty is to convince
his boss that the network managers need daily back and foot massages...
and a gimp."
-Tarik Dozier, 1996

"We will NEVER give your email to anyone. We HATE all Internet companies!
I hate my mom too!"
-Threebrain.com

"It's not a scandal if you don't care."
-Rob Havelt

"In our attempt to invent meaning where meaning already exists, we define
what has always been clear. We suspend disbelief just long enough to
justify it."
-Tarik Dozier, 1997

"I want you in the worst way... and that would be standing in a hammock."
-Louis Raimi

"I haven't installed any testicle-licking simulations yet, but now that
you have brought it up, I shall consider it."
-Ng {Snow Crash}

"Windows people say the Mac is a toy, 'because it has no good games.'
That's about what I'd expect from them."
-A.

"Will the metaphor of 'windows' still be around in 2020? I thought that
we would have evolved to something more multi-dimensional - rooms, say?"
"We will go way beyond rooms. We will have wombats. Wombats are better
than rooms because they crawl about eating things and can crush a dingo's 
head when it is threatened. I want a computing experience that eats things 
and crushes heads."
-Ideonode & Az

"// this is the most hacked, evil, bastardized thing I've ever seen. kjb"
-Half-Life SDK, doors.cpp, line 744

"The punishment [in Hell] if you're a thief is having snakes tie your
hands behind your back. And then sometimes the snakes bite your neck and
you burn into ashes and then you arise again from the ashes. And you're
naked. Which just goes to show you that one person's eternal ignominious
torture is another person's fetish art Web page."
-Lore Fitzgerald Sjoberg, on Dante's Inferno

"I am always an optimist, but frankly there is no hope." 
-Hosni Mubarek

"Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut."
-A.

"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails
of the last priest."
-Diderot 

"In the seventh eon the forces that control things in the world got
together and managed to get a monkey to mutate into a nasty, hairless
creature with a few additional intelligence points and natural abilities
to manufacture and use tools. That's when all the trouble started."
-Richard Taylor

"I have a really hard time understanding the mentality that induces people
to bring a subject up for debate, then become willfully ignorant and angry
when faced with a reasonable point of view other than their own."
-Kathleen Dickason

"Humanity: Kill yourselves. You have run out of originality."
-Stile

"In light of the 'reinterpretation' angle... it occurs to me that other
folk might have some that they ascribe to. For instance, 'all men are
created equal in the eyes of the lord,' means: You ain't shit. {On the
other hand... they ain't shit either.}"
-Richard Taylor

"The thing I lose patience with the most is the clock. Its hands move too
fast. Time is really the only capital that any human being has, and the
one thing that he can't afford to lose."
-Thomas Edison

"Forget Anne Robinson. After Monday night's edition of 'Who Whipped Your
Ass?,' Steve Austin is definitely my candidate for nastiest quiz show
host of the year."
-Pat McNeill

"And when they come to grab you with those big metal claws, there's no
escape... because they're made of metal, and robots are strong."
-SNL

"Right is cold... left is hot. Learning to use the sink in my kitchen was
a test of faith. {And... I was disappointed.}"
-Richard Taylor

"Well, at least he doesn't have his sword out anymore."
"Yeah, and your dad put his finger away, too."
-Gohan & Krillin {DBZ}

"If the WWF is going to be wiped out by the Spinarooni, then we deserve
to be wiped out." 
-Jim Ross

"A child knows what his parents need him to be."
-{Six Feet Under}

"Look at Kurt Angle standing on top of the milk wagon! And now he's pulling 
out the heavy stuff... it's homogenized! No skim milk for Kurt Angle! Kurt 
Angle is the Olympic dairy man! Milkomania has run wild on Raw!"
-Jim Ross

"Coronation, Starscream? This is bad comedy."
-Galvatron

"Isn't it comforting to know that being miserable is still better than
being an idiot?"
-Claire Fisher {Six Feet Under}

"Work without a vision is slavery; vision without work is a pipe dream;
but vision with work is the hope of the world."
-A.

"There is no sin except stupidity." 
-Oscar Wilde 

"If I wanna blitz myself into some sort of papaya-induced hallucination,
that's my business."
-Freakazoid

"On any given day, Slashdot readers are treated to another link to
another column by another self-proclaimed pundit declaring that Linux 
is (pick one) unreliable, not scalable, not user-friendly, doomed,
piracy-inducing, foul-smelling, or un-American."
-Keunwoo Lee

"The art of flying is throwing yourself at the ground... and missing."
-A.

"Don't even TRY to delete any files relating to [Internet Explorer]. 
I live within the blast radius, and won't be happy."
-Bill Anderson

"I'm sorry, but there's a handsome man in my spoon. You'll have to come
back later."
-Tom Tucker {The Family Guy}

"This is around the fifth or sixth rings of Hell. You will learn that
somewhere between the sowers of discord and bearers of false witness can
be found angry Chicagoans stuck in traffic. I'm not sure what we did to
deserve this, but it must have been pretty bad."
-Tarik Dozier

"That television... it bewitched me!"
-Galvatron, "The Big Broadcast of 2006" 

"You worry about your miracles, Scotty; I'll worry about mine."
-Capt. James T. Kirk

"I saw a big SUV (forget which) get hit and topple like a big toppling
thing. Sorry 'bout the lack of a good analogy."
-Dennis

"Now pay attention. I'm only going to do this once."
-Android 18 {DBZ}

"Next to Steve Austin, John Wayne was a wimp and a communist." 
-Paul Heyman

"Don't people use pills anymore? If you're going to kill yourself, what's
wrong with your own house?"
-Richard Kinney

"You know, my hooligan friend, I've been wracking my brain in a thus far
fruitless attempt to resolve our recent unpleasantness. But then it dawned 
on me; your cruelty merely stems from some deep-seated inner pain, so the 
obvious remedy is a healthy does of OUTER PAIN."
-Stewart Griffin {The Family Guy}

"What's going on down here?"
"Oh... we're playing house."
"That boy is all tied up...."
"Roman Polanski's house."
-Lois and Stewart Griffin {The Family Guy}

"So, in scientific terms, 'getting jiggy' makes you want to do 'the nasty?'"
-Steve Carrell

"Now, listen up as I tell the tale of fifteen sexy Kung-Fu minutes."
-Space Ghost

"The trueness of one's truth, Zorak, is clearly based on their vernacular
inaccuracies."
-Moltar

"Besides, if I cried, it was because of Kung-Fu lasers... and starvation."
-Space Ghost

"Oh, you WANT the time-travel spinning head!"
-Space Ghost

"I've always wanted an Asian/German themed restaurant. 'Five minutes later
you're hungry for more power.'"
-Husky Ted

"Of course, I find humour in the pain and misfortune of others. And Bill 
Cosby. Gotta love the Cos."
-Peter Gilstrap

"You're saying strange things. Stop it."
-Officer Cosgrove {Freakazoid!}

"Ms. Bellum? Ms. Bellum? Where are you, my shapely little Palm Pilot?"
-Mayor {Powerpuff Girls}

"Man, I love sleeping. I wish I could wake up so I could go back to
sleep again."
-Brak

"I'm sure you've noticed, but I'm extremely self-assured, which is in my 
opinion the only way to be. It usually comes off as conceit. But only to 
people who are stupid."
-Curiosity Valentine

"That is fascinating, Thom Yorke! You are very, very interesting and very,
very perceptive... so interesting and so perceptive that I think we will
now fight with knives!"
-Moltar

"Remember, boys and girls, people judge you *not* by your shoes, but by
whether or not your socks match." 
-Space Ghost 

"Offbeat shenanigans totally rule!"
-Edge & Christian

"[Christian's parents] had nine months, and the best name they could come 
up with was Christian? That would be like my Mom and Dad calling me 'Jew!'"
-Paul Heyman 

"The pig commands me!"
-Gaz {Invader Zim}

"Guns don't kill people; people kill people... which is exactly why I don't 
keep people around the house."
-Kevin Nealon

"Lillian... stop thinking about the People's Strudel."
-The Rock

"Not to belabor a point, but she looks like Sheena, Queen of the Strip Mall."
-Northey

"If I can't get the name, 'Big Sexy,' then I'll settle for 'Naked Chad,
Champion of Justice.'"
-Chad Savage

"I bathe my Buddha in the blood of squirrels."
-David Watanabe 

"Do you really think anyone in the industry gives a damn what Slashdot
posters think? If they did, we'd all be running Linux on our AMD boxes
with screen savers of Natalie Portman getting hot grits poured down her
pants. Either that or the goat sex guy...."
-/.AC

"Death is nature's way of modding you down."
-A.

"42% of Americans feel that Kato Kaelin should be a passenger on the next
space shuttle, whether he wants to go or not."
-TVNation

"Yeah, you wanna get pre-Chernobyl wine...."
-from Iron Chef

"Not only adding to the flavor, the feet add to the conversation of the
meal. It's like, 'Hey! Duck feet!'"
-from Iron Chef

"Slashcode: while ($deadHorse) { beat(); 
	if (not (time % 60)) { insertTroll(); } } 
-ahknight

McCoy: "A teddy bear?"
Spock: "Not precisely, Doctor. On Vulcan, the 'teddy bears' are alive...
	and they have six-inch fangs."

"Frankly, those of us who watch [WCW Monday Nitro] sober are at a distinct 
disadvantage."
-Bruce Mitchell

"Of course, that's when they need J.C. the most, for soon these tots
will be asleep, twitching and sweating during violent nightmares where
they are chased by evil forces, beaten, flogged, and left screaming in
subterranean phone booths slowly filling with a fetid, mud-like sludge."
-Peter Gilstrap

"The cats took to sitting on it. They showed no respect. They did not
seem to care that it was an image of the Son of God. But they will pay,
oh, how they will pay, come Judgement Day. We'll see how comfortable
they'll feel curled up on a flaming couch for eternity in the fires of
hell! Though their furry asses did seem to aid in the drying process."
-Peter Gilstrap

"So if any of you ever find yourself in Cook County Jail, you can't call
us ever. Call someone else instead."
-Amy Wedell

"After all, you'll probably end up in Hell eventually. Shouldn't you know
your way around before you make the extended visit?"
-iD Software, advertisment for Doom

"Hmmmm... 'rescued Earth from evil android.'  Well, works for me."
-reading Goku's entry in the Book of Life {DBZ}

"If you go out of your mind, do it quietly, so as not to disturb those
around you."
-A.

"Spock, the women on your planet are logical. No other planet in the
galaxy can make that claim."
-Capt. James T. Kirk