"This week, it's neither the heat nor the humidity that's the worst. It's
the guy with the two-by-four who runs around hitting people in the face."
-"Lloyd Schumner, Sr." {The Onion}

"We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, 
powerful muscles, but no personality."
-Albert Einstein

"This same company just recently retired several Access 2.0 apps -- you
know, the ones that are 16-bit based, Windows 3.1 vintage. Some serious
crimes against nature were performed to get Windows98 to work with them."
-Zappy5000

"Kid, I know words don't mean much at a time like this, but you could
sell Steph to the park district and make a lot of money. Sorry, pal;
that came out all wrong."
-Cosgrove {Freakazoid!}

"Take comfort in your ignorance."
-Grandmaster Plague

"Yeah... I think you're ready for a solo career... ON MY COCK!"
-Curiosity Valentine

"Few people are capable of expressing with equanamity opinions which
differ from the prejudice of their social environment. Most people are
even incapable of forming such opinions."
-Albert Einstein

"I may not have seventeen-inch claws, but when I grip you, you know that
you've been gripped!"
-Brak's Dad

"As I see it, our most significant point of contention thus far is that
over the course of our discourse, I have come to recognize that you are 
a blithering idiot, but you have yet to accept this unfortunate state of
affairs. Once you finally see my point of view - that you are a fool and
that most of what you have to say is merely trifling - then we won't have
quite so much of this problem with communication."
-Tarik Dozier

"All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo!"
-Morbo {Futurama}

"The problem is fixed when you can duplicate it at will."
-Warren Leung, Sun Microsystems

"Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under
the right circumstances he can be the baddest motherfucker in the world.
If I moved to a martial arts monastery in China and studied real hard for
ten years. If my family was wiped out by Colombian drug dealers and I
swore myself to revenge. If I got a fatal disease, had one year to live,
devoted it to wiping out street crime. If I just dropped out and devoted
my life to being bad."
-Neal Stephenson (Snow Crash)

"DO NOT OBEY YOUR EMAIL, OR IT WILL CONTROL YOUR LIFE."
-Chad Savage

"In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above 
all, be a sheep."
-Albert Einstein

"A coward is incapable of causing destruction; it is the prerogative of
the brave."
-Mahatma Gandhi 

"You'll pay to know what you really think."
-J.R. "Bob" Dobbs

"The most important thing my mother ever taught me is that being merely   
average is not acceptable, and that mediocrity is roughly equivalent to 
failure."
-Tarik Dozier

"The truths of religion are never so well understood as by those who have
lost the power of reasoning."
-Voltaire

"The word 'fact' has become the adult diaper of modern language, catching
and containing all the stupid, ridiculous, loose, unfounded, and messy
thoughts that lazily trickle from our brains, wrapping them up safely in
an assertive statement in the expectation that no one else will possibly
want to look too deeply inside."
-Rob Fairchild

"Pork is a very complicated Boullion!"
-Bill Anderson

"Whoa... blowing up the moon can really drain your energy."
-Master Roshi {DBZ}

"The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story,
and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume
as it is with what he hoped to make it."
-Sir James Matthew Barrie

"Bad things can stop happening any time now, please. I give my full
permission."
-Kathleen Dickason

"Yes, I know there are reports that the Taliban knocked down a drone
surveillance plane. Cool; there are also reports of downed UFOs in New
Mexico."
-motherhead

"We're all bezos on this bus! Nobody moves very much in a Hanna-Barbera
cartoon." 
-Zorak

"The first televisions were actually aquariums in which live fish dressed
up in costumes and acted out elaborate one-act plays."
-Moltar and Linda

"The appearance of impropriety is often more significant than actual
impropriety."
-Tarik Dozier

"You should spend no more time complaining about your life than it would
take for you to discover the story of someone who has it much, much worse."
-Rob Fairchild

"You were watching porn. Now you're watching Comedy Central."
"Turn the porn back on."
-Bruce McColloch & Mark McKinney

"Noblett... hop in this sack and call me 'Daddy.'"
-Onyx Blackman {Strangers With Candy}

"So now you know... the people on staff aren't really snobs; they're just
better than everyone else is."
-from Intern

"Is #18 your real name?"
"My father was pretty dull."
-ring announcer & Android 18 {DBZ}

"You must love this band [Firewater]. If you don't Todd will come and
personally beat you about the head. I'm not kidding, I think he would.  
He's fucking pissed off."
-Bill Anderson

"When you see how far someone's come, it just reminds you of how far you
have to go."
-Robert Tilem {Valerie Flake}

"This sort of behavior is left to the psychotic, dogmatic, fundamentalist
believers you see on your TV everyday letting off bombs and killing people
in the name of God.  Beliefs are dangerous.  Beliefs allow the mind to
stop functioning.  A non-functioning mind is clinically dead. Believe in
nothing."
-Maynard James Keenan

"It would appear that we have reached the limits of what it is possible 
to achieve with computer technology, although one should be careful with
such statements, as they tend to sound pretty silly in 5 years."
-John Von Neumann, 1949

"I am Morn the Unspeakable. The skulls of those who defy me bleach in the
suns of a hundred worlds. And you are?"
"Cosgrove. And if you move, I'll pop you in the lip."
"Oh?"
-Morn & Cosgrove {Freakazoid!}

"I don't wear pink underwear to torture myself. I'm an '80s goth; I listen
to Bon Jovi."
-Natasha Wilde

"After bin Laden, and then the Hezbollah, the free nations of the world
must send forces to stop this horrible monster named Fred Durst. 'F*ck!'
is not to be used as a linking verb, and while 'f*ck!' does rhyme with
'f*ck!' there is nothing creative in using the word in such a way."
-Marcus

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!! SATAN SAID HE'D TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING, BUT HE
LIED!! Why would the Lord of Darkness LIE?!! That's not like him at all!!!"
-Jhonen Vasquez

"Just woke up, voices in head will not stop until I have some coffee to
appease them...."
-Rob Havelt

"As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell."
-A.

"I believe every word that man just said, because it's exactly what I
wanted to hear."
-Space Ghost, "Chambraigne"

"The symbol of your country cannot just be a flag. The symbol also 
has to be one of its citizens exercising his right to burn that flag 
in protest. Now show me that, defend that, celebrate that in your 
classrooms. Then you can stand up and sing about the land of the free." 
-President Andrew Shepherd {The American President}

"When you develop a sense of humour about your gender, sexuality, race,
and beliefs, I'll develop one about mine."
-Rob Fairchild

"There's all these people growing up right now that are being influenced
by what they're hearing, and there's nothing being said to them but the
musical equivalent of some kind of empty-caloried pretzels." 
-Maynard James Keenan

"Oh, Vernon, I love you... in a platonic way, obviously... though you do
have a lovely ass."
-Joe Harper {A Midwinter's Tale}

"If you're going to get eaten, you might as well get eaten by the Son of
God."
-Cecil Adams

"Be prepared to feel the squeaking fury of my doomfist! Fear the fist!"
-Invader Zim

"Ignoring for a moment the fact that [Reese's Puffs] sounds like some
sort of tree disease, this isn't bad. I mean, you could always combine 
a box of Cocoa Puffs with a box of Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch, but you
wouldn't. I know you. You keep saying you'll do cool stuff like that and
then you're all 'Hey, 'Passions' is on,' and you totally blow it off. So
it's just as well that they pre-combine puffs for my fast-breaking
pleasure."
-L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg

"'They say that a lot of people in prison find God.' Well, I never knew
God was lost."
-Damien Echols

"Well, like most members of America's cultural elite, I worship Pan, the
goat god; but thanks for the thought."
-Duke Phillips {The Critic}

"Thank you, Jay. After I die, you can eat my brain... and it will give you
power."
-Duke Phillips {The Critic}

"I still can't believe that people actually look up to me for running one
of the most popular websites that features everything that is WRONG with
our society. I really believe that humanity is masochistic and isn't happy
unless most of us are living empty lives full of meaningless suffering."
-Jay Stile

"I feel dirty now... and it's all Scary Lady Sarah's fault."
-Tarik Dozier

"Ugh; humans and their filthy, ravenous machines spewing out vile toxins.
Did you know that the average fish today contains more mercury than a
rectal thermometer? Would you eat a rectal thermometer?! Answer me, damn
you! Well, I would. Ahhh, mercury... sweetest of the transition metals."
-the whale {Sealab 2021}

"Yeah, Dale; you looked pretty cool. For your next trick, how about I kick
your ass?"
-Hank Hill {King of the Hill}

"Son, let me put this in terms that you'll understand. 'I am not down with
that.' That means, 'no.'"
-Hank Hill {King of the Hill}

"How many T's in 'bloodletting?'"
"Two. What'cha writin'?"
"Ode to spring. How do you spell 'massacre?'"
-Lois Lane & Jimmy Olsen {Superman}

"It was your mother's job to name you and love you and such. I was mainly
in it for the spankin'."
-Abraham Simpson

"If I'm going to be generally unhappy with my surroundings, I at least 
want a job that allows me to legally decide who lives and who dies (and
by what means)."
-Tarik Dozier

"Applause is the spur of noble minds, the end and aim of weak ones." 
-Charles Caleb Colton

"Every time you see an Oracle DBA and a junior sysadmin together, back up
your /etc system files."
-Warren Leung, Sun Microsystems

"UDP is like using a fax machine with a really dumb receptionist on the
other end."
-Warren Leung

"You can't kill process initd."
"That sounds like a dare if I've ever heard one."
-Warren Leung & Tarik Dozier

"Goten... did anyone ever tell you you're stupid?"
-Trunks {DBZ}

"Although it is a cliche to see a kitty playing with a ball of yarn, it's
a cliche for a reason. A ball of yarn is fun; it's something humans never
figured out. Humans never saw the beauty in a ball of yarn; they try to
make it into things... sweaters... blankets... but the cat knew all along
that it was good as it was."
-{Home Movies}

"...you might as well skip the Xmas celebration completely, and instead
sit in front of your Linux computer playing with the all-new-and-improved
Linux kernel version."
-Linus Torvalds

"You don't want your kids to grow up to be weirdos, do you?"
-Alice Cooper

"If we've learned anything about our horrible, dark future from movies,
it's that everyone is usually much better dressed and accessorized after
the apocalypse. I guess they're telling us that the first things to be
destroyed by a nuclear war will be the likes of The Gap and Abercrombie,
so there really is hope for humankind after all."
-Tarik Dozier

"The Pentium 4 is a big fat pile of rancid lips, rectums, and hooves
pressed into a silicon wafer shape, and you have to pay a lot more for
this so-called privilege."
-Andrew Cone

"Is insanity just a really great way of managing expectations?"
-explodingdog.com

"When I was 3 years old, I tried to convince everyone in my family that 
I had a green bat living in my head and that I was married to Bert from
Sesame Street. I still am not sure that the bat is gone...."
-Jessica

"Life is often nasty, brutish, and short. No one promised you it would not
have sharp edges. I can be one of them. Deal."
-Ryan Muldering

"Nah, I haven't cried since that time I drowned my pet puppy for the sake
of fun and profit."
-Donovan

"Nothing says 'Halloween' like flinging high-velocity used tampons at
unsuspecting children."
-Donovan

"Principles only matter if you stick by them when they're inconvenient."
-A.

"Only America could produce an imbecile of your caliber."
"That's because we make lots of things better than other people."
-from Freakazoid!

"How can I say no? Can I ask the sun not to shine? Can I ask the water 
to not be wet? Can I ask a pirate to not wear a fluffy white shirt? That
would be what asking Miss [Carrie] Monster to not rock would be like."
-Daniel Caine

"Mocking is simply the honking of the horns of the fleet of clue buses
bearing down upon the hapless victim."
-Joy Ralph

"On Earth, it's customary to exchange personal information with someone
you just met."
-T'Pol (Enterprise)

"Videl is absolutely not allowed to go out with evil alien boys!"
-Hercule (DBZ)

"First of all, you will not refer to me as 'Christian.' You will refer
to me as 'CHRISTIAN! Champion of Europe.'"
-Christian

"Do you know what my watch is saying?"
"I've never heard that watch."
-"Stone Cold" Steve Austin & Rob Van Dam

"Our billions of ancestors, who lived their whole lives alongside death,
disease and filth because they lacked the indescribable luxuries of flush
toilets and running water, would undoubtedly be amazed to know that most
people nowadays still can't even be bothered to flush the toilet or wash
their hands."
-Rob Fairchild

"I was not put on this earth to listen to meat."
-Master Shake {Aqua Teen Hunger Force}

"Good going, Meatwad. You've tamed him with your greasy dance of joy."
-Frylock {Aqua Teen Hunger Force}

"Well, since the hype of the conditions, Anthrax is touring soon with
Judas Priest. Maybe if things deteriorate more, I will get to see Nuclear
Assault, Megadeth, Biohazard, and other such bands."
-Brett Peugh

"Don't let the hat fool you; the Pope's a crazy fucker."
-personality 6 {Moving}

"Listen, if you could just buy into this whole 'I'm the Devil' thing, it
would save us both a lot of these questions."
-The Devil {Bedazzled}

"There are a million things that you don't know. That doesn't make them
secrets."
-Rob Fairchild

"Yeah, yeah... we both saw that after-school special, but I'm not an
alcoholic and you're not an ice skater, so let's go!"
-Hank Hill {King of the Hill}

"I'm going to ask you a question, and I want the truth! Do you know how to
breakdance?"
-"Stone Cold" Steve Austin

"Fear us, for we are cute, we are angry, and we have ridiculous shoes."
-Miss Janette 

"Your displeasure does not change our situation, nor does it bring us any
closer to a solution."
-Cmdr. Tuvok (ST:Voyager)

"I guess I just want my music written by geeks on Casios who have some
body part missing and are hopped on crack and write music because if they
don't get the expression out of their heads they are going to grab some
random piece of furniture and chuck it out their window into oncoming
traffic and polish off a bottle of Jack before they start walking the
streets to let out their real aggression."
-Brett Peugh

"You look like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards, you scruffy
swine."
-William Regal

"The black market for human organs is growing every day. For this reason,
never forget that even the dumbest and most infuriating people who wear
you down on the Internet have an inherent value as human beings that makes
them eminently worthy of your respect and compassion -- especially when
sold for parts."
-Rob Fairchild

"Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which
ones to keep."
-Scott Adams

"Of all the souls I've ever tasted, his had the most... cumin."
-Duckman

"The blood of the children is mine!"
-Dawn Carson, 1993

"There is something seriously wrong with the weather around here. It's
too damn cold in the winter, and too damn hot in the summer. The local
gods apparently have never heard of moderation, or perhaps it's just the
fault of the Canadians. It usually is. Them and their arctic air fronts
moving south full of polar air. Don't think I don't know what you're up
to. I'll OWN you."
-Priya Monrad

"I'm also guessing that that's not the answer you were seeking. Sorry;
perhaps you should've asked a different question."
-Tarik Dozier

"Is there any way we can enhance your dining experience by hurting an
animal?"
-{The Simpsons}

"IT'S GOD! HE FOUND US!"
-Dewey {Malcolm In the Middle}

"Last year some of the game consoles in the battle were as much as five 
years old. In game console terms, that means that they were the equivalent 
of unholy beings kept alive by unnatural forces and dark incantations long 
after they should have passed from this earth. The latest round of 
machines are much fresher and newer, which means that the unholy powers 
can go into marketing instead."
-Lore Fitzgerald Sjoberg

"Unlike my faith in Clinton's honesty, I can believe what Bob Dole says. 
Unfortunately, I don't like much of what he has to say. This was a major 
part of the character issue. Which is worse, the evil man who tells you 
the truth, or the ambiguous man who lies every once in a while?"
-Tarik Dozier, 1996

"Modern video game purchases are motivated primarily by the desire to
see some console or another perish in a yawning rift that opens up
beneath it, brimstone and the wails of the damned reaching up as the
console sinks into a lake of fire, as happened with the Dreamcast."
-Lore Fitzgerald Sjoberg

"Something like love isn't so easily buried. It's only when that love
was not genuine that it's easy to put behind you."
-Tarik Dozier

"There has already been published by the bucketfuls such brazen lies and 
utter fictions about me that I would long since have gone to my grave if I 
had let myself pay attention to that."
-Albert Einstein

"People, don't focus on being just equal... be better!"
-Tarik Dozier, 1996