"Tarik is the pimp daddy of the multiverse."
-Macross

"The universe is not required to be in perfect harmony with human ambition." 
-Carl Sagan 

"Try to convince someone with an unstable box that uptime isn't important.
I know, you'd swing that around to downtime being the real issue (and
you'd be correct), but most OSs have a difficult time measuring their own
downtime."
-carlos_benj

"I once witnessed a long-winded, month-long flamewar over the use of mice
versus trackballs. It was very silly." 
-Matt Welsh 

"Wonderful... the world of distros and apt-foo has created a generation
of incompetent admins who only know how to install packages. Sheesh."
-Progman

"On a quarterly basis I schedule time with my loved ones for a frank
appraisal of their performance within my social structure. I then use
these evaluations to suggest a proactive course of future mutual amity.
That means I'm tender."
-Lore Fitzgerald Sjoberg

"I always complain about sysadmins who don't install the latest security
patches, regardless of OS. If it appears I complain about IIS sysadmins
more than Unix sysadmins, it's only because I get that opportunity more
often."
-osu-neko

"Let me put this as delicately as possible: I hope the ass reaming from
the fiery clue stick of goodness - studded for your pleasure - was
enjoyable. Now go home, kid."
-Dast

"Victoria doesn't know it yet, but I've secretly replaced my soul with
Folger's Crystals. Let's see if the Devil notices."
-Tarik Dozier, 1996

"'Secret Room at the Masquerade, Saturday night... $10. Fetish Night at
The Chamber, Thursday night... $6.' Watching some cubicle jockey wet his
Dockers and cry into his Heineken with despair because his girlfriend will
never, ever give up her Abercrombie sweaters for latex and nipple clamps...
Priceless." 
-Laura Neil

"I don't think. I ain't." 
-Thompson's Corollary to Descartes 

"'Hmm... seems www.whitehouse.gov is also running SSH-1.5-1.2.27. Go
figure.' Not anymore it isn't. I just 0wn3d it and upgraded to the latest
OpenSSH for them. Oh, look, here's the FBI at my door. Here to thank me,
no doubt!"
-hoggoth

"I don't believe that I was put on this earth to judge other people.  I
believe I was put on this earth to collect samples and return with them 
to my home planet."
-Jack Handey

"If any of you have ever wondered how I turned out so weird, then you've
obviously never met the other Doziers."
-Tarik Dozier

"In the summer of 1665, Isaac Newton first came up with the idea of
calculus, after being hit over the head with a soft, blunt object. If 
it had been a hard blunt object, he may have forgotten the whole idea,
and thus would have saved millions of college students from much
excruciating pain and suffering. Unfortunately he didn't, and after
publishing most of his findings, suffered a nervous breakdown in 1693."
-Jacob Walker

"I just love it when I'm running commands on IRC and I get the message,
'#I wouldn't do that if I were you.'"
-Tarik Dozier, 1996

"If we had kids, they'd have such pretty skin. When people would ask, 
'What race are you?' they would say, 'Goth. Go away.'" 
-C-ko Linde

"What is this garbage... and why am I not in it?"
-Moltar, watching Cartoon Planet
 
"We have to give Canticle credit for managing that insult to your supposed
intelligence. He had so little material upon which to base it."
-Tarik Dozier, 1997

"For the next 1 minute and 45 seconds, you will do more or less what you
have done all your life."
-Scott Hermes, "Do What You Will" {TMLMTBGB}

"My website's background is black. That makes me pretentious."
-Aaron Young

"Forget about likes and dislikes. They are of no consequence. Just do
what must be done. This may not be happiness, but it is greatness."
-George Bernard Shaw

"I hope you have all heeded my words. If not, I'm gonna crap on your
front porch. Yeah, it might not hurt you, but you'll still have to pick
up something that I squeezed out of my butt, and that's enough for me."
-Alex

"Tardiness runs in my family... but it doesn't run very fast."
-Tarik Dozier

"Well, yeah. If I didn't have inner peace, I'd completely go psycho on all
of you guys, all the time."
-Carl Carlson {The Simpsons}

"I've sat in the dark explaining to myself that I'm straining too hard for 
feelings I ought to find easily."
-10,000 Maniacs, "Jezebel"

"I think he's sorta come to the conclusion that martyrdom is overrated."
-David Isby

"I truly don't know why some of you bother posting like this, but, since
you must, I'll reply in kind: That's OK, you are too thick to understand
most of what I post, so you neatly categorize it under 'right-wing dogma.'
That way, you can dismiss it without feeling bad."
-Rush

"Wasabi is like a kick in the chest with a boot full of flavor."
-Tarik Dozier

"Get out of here, gansta of defeat. Begone with you."
-Invader Zim

"Children, your performance was miserable. Your parents will all receive
phone calls instructing them to love you less now."
-Miss Bitters {Invader Zim}

"If you're telling me to kill people, then you're not my friend. Oh, I 
get it; first you get me to watch wrestling, and then you get me to kill
people. It's all a part of the same deal."
-Kathleen Dickason

"Peer pressure...? I have peers?"
-Tarik Dozier, 1991 (age 16)

"We need to eliminate those who try their best to stop our wishes from
becoming true."
-KUKL, "Open The Window and Let the Spirit Fly Free"

"But Cheez Whiz... pasteurized processed cheese sauce available in jars
or squeezable plastic bottles... hmmmm... I don't know if anything is
more Goth than Cheez Whiz."
-Tarik Dozier, 1999

"When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving oneself and ends by
deceiving others; that is what the world calls romance."
-Oscar Wilde

"It's a CLUB! It's SUPPOSED to be deafening inside. It's supposed to be
just quiet enough to hear the other girl/guy scream, 'YOUR PLACE OR MINE?'
in your ear."
-Archpope Dach

"Hey, my company just got me a new Sun Ultra 80 workstation (model 2450,
Elite3D m6, 1GB/18GB) yesterday. This thing rocks; it runs Pine really
frickin' fast."
-Tarik Dozier, 2000

"Ninja babies. The thing that keeps popping into my head is ninja babies.
Well, that and running a brothel for the homeless and insane. What? It's
a living... kinda."
-Joey DeLuna

"Trust me... it would piss people off [more so than usual] if I was as
serious here as I really tend to be in my everyday dealings. Then I'd
have to be EVEN MORE up front with my honesty... and we don't really
want that."
-Tarik Dozier

"I must remember to destroy those kids after my breakfast has been eaten."
-Mojo Jojo

"I love God; he's so deliciously evil!"
-Stewart Griffin {Family Guy}

"I really like this God fellow... a pestilence here and a plague there. 
Very theatrical, you know. Omnipotence... got to get me some of that!"
-Stewart Griffin {Family Guy}

"Sorry, my angst-train derailed for a minute there."
-Riff {Sluggy Freelance}

[regarding the term "smarty-pants"] "I gotcha beat. I'm a smart-ASS; thus
I have the power of sarcasm built right into my ass, while you apparently
must put on some kind of magical pants."
-stAllio! nGsta

"Wer mit Ungeheuern kämpft, mag zusehn, daß er nicht dabei zum Ungeheuer
wird. Und wenn du lange in einen Abgrund blickst, blickt der Abgrund auch
in dich hinein." ["Whoever fights with monsters should see to it that in 
the process he does not thereby become the monster. And when you look for 
a long time into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you."]
-Freiderich Nietzsche

"Facing terror isn't *half* as fun as sharing it."
-Bun-bun {Sluggy Freelance}

"...wearing her Bauhaus shirt and armed with a mug of coffee, she was ready
to conquer the world, or at least less ready to let the world conquer her."
-Kathleen Dickason

Jane:  "What are you saying... that I'm some kind of freak of nature?"
Daria: "Define 'of nature.'"
-Jane Lane & Daria Morgendorffer

"It was something that wasn't ever going to be in a future job description.
Little did I know that seven years later, I'd be fisting cows."
-goth_milk

"Yes, yes. Oh for the love of Christ and a surly llama, yes."
-Laura Neil

"Look, you guys need to spew more blood... for Satan. He likes that. But
you don't want to puke out your own blood, you understand, because you're
gonna need those nutrients to perform the encore. So you're gonna need the
blood of another. Somebody else. Now check this out; hand me the goat."
-Zorak, to Tenacious D {Space Ghost Coast to Coast}

"Didja ever make a baby with one? A beef log baby? You ever take 'em and
make a little village full of beef log babies, and then they all rise up
against you and try to kill your head?"
-Space Ghost

"Intel hardware retains value about as well as lunch meat."
-qurob

"Last week, I left my two Windows XP CDs on my dashboard in plain view.
Someone broke into my car and left two more."
-A.

"I use the term, 'villain,' although I prefer 'dark tragic party guy.'"
-Lord Grater {Sluggy Freelance}

"The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason."
-Ben Franklin 

"It's like Jell-o with hair on it... but in a good way."
-Kathleen Dickason

"If someone loves a flower, of which just one single blossom grows in all
the millions and millions of stars, it is enough to make him happy just to
look at the stars. He can say to himself, 'Somewhere, my flower is there.'
But if the sheep eats the flower, in one moment all his stars will be
darkened."
-Antoine De Saint-Exupery {The Little Prince}

"It's getting so it's hard to count all the different versions of Blade
Runner out there. We have the original theatrical release, the home video
version originally released on VHS, the Director's Cut, and now the Special 
Edition DVD, to say nothing of the various laserdiscs and pre-release
screenings. I can't wait for the next version where, in addition to being
a replicant, we find that Deckard was actually the first female president
of the United States."
-dereferenced

"We say we love flowers, yet we pick them; we say we love trees, yet we
cut them down. And people still wonder why some are afraid when told they
are loved."
-A.

"The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
illiterates can read."
-Alberto Moravia 

"One should be wary of touching one's idols, for the gilt comes off on
one's fingers."
-Gustave Flaubert {Madame Bovary}

"But seriously... well, love has got to be based on knowledge, hasn't
it? You have to know someone intimately to be able to love them. So love
at first sight is a contradiction in terms. Unless in the first sight
there's some sort of mystical gigabyte download of information from one
mind into the other. That doesn't sound too likely, does it?"
-David Mitchell {Ghostwritten}

"Trust me; I've spoken with God, and he does not want you to cut off your
balls. The most he would ask is that you occasionally lower them into a
bowling ball cleaner and buff them to a glossy shine."
-Dennis Miller

"Why use one word when two polysyllabic agglomerates will do?"
-A.

"The industry-sponsored GNOME Foundation has an elected board which meets
fortnightly, where agenda items such as '8.b. Proposal to sell our souls
to The Satan of Redmond in perpetuity' can be postponed until after tea
and biscuits."
-Andrew Orlowski  

"Although I often do not agree with [Stallman's] more extreme positions, 
I think he understands quite well that you can't be just a little bit
pregnant, nor can you sell only a fraction of your soul to the Devil."
-sphealey

"I would fight for truth and justice if I could wear black vinyl and
fishnets while doing it."
-Kathleen Dickason

"Previous comment about Snow White being a squeeky-voiced flake -
absolutely true. She had the gall to condescend the animals when they
attacked the witch, ignore their warning, and eat the apple. Stupid li'l
bitch. Never ignore the animals. Dr. Dolittle'd turn her sorry ass out."
-n stepp

"You've abused your small amount of power. Well... then... I have control
over all of the paper clips in this cubicle. And you can't have any...
because you have your own. So there."
-Tarik Dozier

"If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything."
-Mark Twain

"When a Debian package is going to make changes to a configuration file,
it asks me first (unless I tell it not to); when most Windows-based
installers decide that it's time to replace the IP stack with a Jell-O
recipe, it just goes ahead without informing the end user of squat."
-Hiro Antagonist

"I want to own a monkey. Or a Congressman. Not much difference."
-Bryan

"I only hope that the Irkens just happen to use the same operating system
as me."   
-Dib {Invader Zim}

"Do not do anything weird tonight. If you do, you will suffer horribly.
Horrible. Suffering."
-Gaz {Invader Zim}

"I haven't had this much fun since my last livestock mutilation."
-Raven {Cecil B. Demented}

"I'm ashamed of my heterosexuality. That's why some days... I gotta hurt
people! I'm straight... and I hate... so get used to it!"
-Rodney {Cecil B. Demented}

"'Oh, Santa, why hast thou forsaken me,' I screamed...."
-Cherish {Cecil B. Demented}

"Keep eating the oysters, or you will be shot and killed!"
-Cecil B. Demented

"Sic transit gloria mundi."
-A.

"Even if you're talking to your grandparents visiting from Ohio you'll
have like F-words flying because the movie kicks ass with a boot made of
burning meat."
-Neill Cumpston (on the subject of Blade 2)

"Jason [Voorhees] just won't give up. He has very clear goals and he won't
stop. And I think people like that."
-Todd Farmer (writer, Jason X)

"I now understand why I saw Jason Voorhees as a role model in my youth."
-Tarik Dozier

"If I ever meet you, I'll Ctrl-Alt-Delete you."
-"Weird Al" Yankovich

"Don't hold strong opinions on things you don't understand."
-A.

"Working with Win9x in a network environment is almost as enjoyable as
having rats gnaw the flesh off my fingers."
-A.

"'Inflammable' means flammable?! Boy, what a country."
-Dr. Nick Riviera {The Simpsons}

#define SANITY_MESSAGE "Seek counseling. You've been online too long."
int PeriodicSanityCheck(static int PlayerID) {
   if (TimeNow() - PlayerStats[PlayerID]->StartTime > 172800) {
      SendPlayerMessage(PlayerID, SANITY_MESSAGE);
      CreateQuest(FIND_SUICIDE_CANDIDATE, PlayerStats->Region, PlayerID);
      return(1);
   }
   return(0);
} 
-ziegast

"Join Slashdot. Visit faraway lands. Meet new people. Offend them."
-deacon

"You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help."
-Calvin 

"Sometimes I wonder when I'm going to get old."
-John Dozier, Sr. (age 79)

"Today I will gladly share my knowledge and experience, for there are no
sweeter words than 'I told you so!'"
-A.

"Note the softened code name. No more code names like HailStorm for these
guys. Expect names like PuppyTail, SnuggleBear and ComfyHat from now on."
-Alan McSwain, on "Longhorn," the next version of MS Windows

"I thought the only people on IRC were FBI agents pretending to be 14 year
old girls. There are hackers there, too?"
-Richard Bowers

"Welcome to the end of your life... and I promise it's going to hurt."
-Vegeta {DBZ}

"The following tale... is true.  And by 'true,' I mean 'false.'  It's all
lies. But they're entertaining lies.  And in the end, isn't that the real
truth?  The answer is: No."
-Leonard Nimoy {The Simpsons}

"Maybe your soulmate is the one who forces your soul to grow the most. 
Not all growth feels good."
-Rabbi Ari {Six Feet Under}

"Let's see if your innovative use of color can save you now!"
-Cat {Cat and Girl}

"THIS looks like a job for emergency pants!"
-Torg {Sluggy Freelance}

"Lend a man a PC and he'll surf for a day. Give a man a PC and you're his
tech support forever."
-Psmylie

"Is not life a hundred times too short for us to bore ourselves?" 
-Friedrich Nietzsche 

"Idle hands spend time at the genitals... and you know how much God
dislikes that."
-Drippy {Aqua Teen Hunger Force}

"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities." 
-Voltaire 

"You know anybody wearing that much pink is up to no good."
-Kathleen Dickason

"The only thing going for it is that it's directed by John Woo, who can
make poo look interesting. Of course it would probably be some sort of
ninja poo, but still...."
-SMC

"No amount of advertising can compensate for mediocrity. Wait a minute.
Did I just say that about Microsoft?"
-digitalunity (on the Xbox)

"Hmph. If that's what you get from wearing high heels, I'm switching to
combat boots."
-Rally Vincent {Gunsmith Cats}

"Mr. Boomhauer had grown-up sex with the ice cream lady, and then he
dumped her. You're never going to have ice cream again, Bobby."
-Luanne Platter {King of the Hill}

"I just turned on the backyard grill from the swimming pool; and just
imagine... Peggy said I would never be able to do that."
-Hank Hill {King of the Hill}

"What were you in for?"
"Killed my boyfriend."
"Does that mean you're single?"
-{King of the Hill}

"Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature." 
-Rich Kulawiec

"Windows XP is $299 plus tax only if your time is of no value."
-A.

"It was a notion we could all relate to... just being so sexy it hurts."
-VH1

"Forget it; who wants to put on a leotard and get yelled at?"
"Well... hookers and Spider-Man...."
-Lisa & Homer Simpson

"He's probably going south to mate with birds. Bears are crazy, Willy.
They'll bite your head if you're wearing steak on it."
-Space Ghost

"The Internet IS Dangerous!!! My son was chatting online and a piano fell
on him."
-dr_labrat

"The only 'intuitive' interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned."
-Bruce Ediger

"Malcolm solves his problems with a chainsaw, and he never has the same
problem twice."
-A.

"We don't need liquor to have fun; not when we have the Babylon 5 collectible
card game."
-Kevin French {Mission Hill}