"That a man can take pleasure in marching in formation to the strains of a band is enough to make me despise him. He has only been given his big brain by mistake; a backbone was all he needed. This plague-spot of civilization ought to be abolished with all possible speed." -Albert Einstein "There he goes, one of God's own prototypes - some kind of high-powered mutant never even considered for mass production - too weird to live and too rare to die." -Raoul Duke {Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas} "With freedom comes nudity." -Zorak {Space Ghost} "Are you sure? I'd hate for you to be in one of those everyday situations that calls for a battery-operated vagina and not have one." -Max California {8MM} "The individual must not merely wait and criticize, he must defend the cause the best he can. The fate of the world will be such as the world deserves." -Albert Einstein "I do not use the accident, because I deny the accident." -Jackson Pollock "I thought about it, I'm just fine." -Curiosity, "Better in Industry" "How in the world could anyone ever eat a whole eskimo?" -Snoopy {Peanuts} "Now let's rob the bank, give the money to the poor, then rob the poor and shoot the money." -William Bonney {The Simpsons} "To see with one's own eyes, to feel and judge without succumbing to the suggestive power of the fashion of the day, to be able to express what one has seen and felt in a snappy sentence or even in a cunningly wrought word - is that not glorious? Is it not a proper subject for congratulation?" -Albert Einstein "No, if I have sex with a man, I need enough time to make him cry." -Sydney Kross {Tracey Takes On} "Oh, I'm sorry... did I... did I hurt your feelings?" -Buddy Ackerman {Swimming With Sharks} "This is so bad it's gone past good and back to bad again." -Enid Coleslaw {Ghost World} "If being a geek means being passionate about something, then I pity those who aren't geeks." -Pike65 "A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life depend on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the measure as I have received and am still receiving." -Albert Einstein "Asking someone to play nice doesn't always help to get the necessary work done. 'Feelings' get in the way of keeping things productive, and mincing words expends energy that could otherwise be expended more creatively." -Tarik Dozier "My dad's always yelling that Whitey's keepin' him down." -Bart Simpson "Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleens, and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?" -Shrek "True art is characterized by an irresistible urge in the creative artist." -Albert Einstein "I realized that once you've taken a hostage and started a fire... you've made a serious marketing error." -Jake Johannsen "He's not my dead boyfriend. He's a dead boy who happens to be my friend." -Lisa Simpson "A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death." -Albert Einstein "Tarik, you're a safe harbor in a sea of drag queens." -Crystal, Halloween 2002 "Love is a joke with no punchline." -Susie {The Oblongs} "Has society descended so far into the abyss that people just accept evil as something that just happens? Lucky for them there are people like us who are willing to get our hands dirty and blow stuff up to save them. Even if they don't seem to appreciate it." -Largo {Megatokyo} "Y'know, 'I kill people' is a really bad pick-up line." -Fred Gallagher {Megatokyo} "In my day we had these things called 'songs.' They were two-minute stories about falling in love or burning down Georgia." -Hank Hill {King of the Hill} "A photograph never grows old. You and I change, people change all through the months and years, but a photograph always remains the same. How nice to look at a photograph of Mother or Father taken many years ago. You see them as you remember them. But as people live on, they change completely. That is why I think a photograph can be kind." -Albert Einstein "Sweetie, get mommy's bazooka." -Harley Quinn {Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker} "It's not a school for psychos. It's a school for the pathologically high-spirited. Now pack up your books and your muzzle and let's go." -Bob Oblong {The Oblongs} "Stop me if you've heard this one before.... KAMEHAMEHA!" -Majin Buu {DBZ} "If overly stringent copy protection means there's one less person in the world listening to Toto cover 'House of the Rising Sun,' can it really be all bad?" -Jim Flynn "Y'know, all you need is a frame, and you can call it 'art.'" -Paige Davis {Trading Spaces} "Still alive? Well then, I guess I'll have to make sport of just smacking you around." -Majin Buu {DBZ} "Listen, Jeff, I don't like when people patronize me. Moltar, harvest his skin." -Space Ghost "Would you mind not shooting at the thermonuclear weapons?" -Maj. Vic Deakins {Broken Arrow} "I don't know what's scarier: losing nuclear weapons, or that it happens so often that there's actually a term for it." -Giles Prentice {Broken Arrow} "And I thought I was building a torture chamber. Gosh... another failure." -Frank Bielec {Trading Spaces} "You want to help? The shot came from up there; you go get the bad guy, I'll stay here cowering and screaming." -Penn Gillette {Penn and Teller Get Killed} "You have ten seconds to live. I wonder, how will you spend them?" -Thundercleese {The Brak Show} "How's life on the outside? Do they still have naked ladies? That's my favorite kind!" -Petroleum Joe {The Brak Show} "Yeah, I lied about that. I lie a lot; that's what makes me cool." -Zorak {The Brak Show} "If someone is hurt by being rightfully told that they are wrong, then they should simply try harder to not be wrong." -Tarik Dozier, 1997 "Beyond that, I can't assist you in understanding the points you were making any more than you can." -Tarik Dozier, 1997 "I want this to be the pit of wild monkey love." -Frank Bielec {Trading Spaces} "I'm going to leave this world exactly the way I entered it: dirty, screaming, and torn away from the woman I love." -Homer Simpson "Does everything surprise you, young'un?" -Elder Supreme Kai {DBZ} "Yeah... well... that's going to fall into the 'no shit' category." -Jessie Caldwell {Powder} "It's more of a low-key room, as oppoosed to something like fifteen clowns passing away in a room at the same time." -Frank Bielec {Trading Spaces} "If I was kidding, I'd be wearing a fez and no pants." -Lennie Briscoe {Law & Order} "Take ten. I'm going to count to ten. Say a prayer, get something to eat, whatever you want to do; then you will die." -Vegito {DBZ} "I push people a little bit farther than I think they can actually go, and then they always surprise me by getting there.... I'm constrained by my own perception of what they can accomplish." -George Lucas "I will not suffer the same fate as cream filling!" -Vegeta {DBZ} "I've been on some bad dates before, but never one where the guy blackmails me by threatening to destroy the earth." -Weather Lady {Tokyo Pig} "Hmmm; lost a planet Master Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing." -Yoda {SW:AotC} "Women. They're just like the woods: mysterious... and full of wolves." -{Malcolm in the Middle} "That was about the most amazing thing I'd ever seen. He kicked like a ballerina... a really violent ballerina. Y'know, like a one that will kill you." -{Saddle Rash} The barber shop was a good place for witty banter, but not the best place to get your hair cut. Actually, it wasn't all that good for witty banter, either." -{Saddle Rash} "The whole situation had become really complex, but that's the thing I say when I just stop paying attention. Of course, I'm the narrator, so I have to say something; I'm just checking in." -{Saddle Rash} "How perfectly goddamned delightful it all is, to be sure." -Robert Crumb "Don't forget! Christmas is coming, and nothing embodies the spirit of the season more than giving a SCSI Controller to the one you love!" -PC Surplus Online "I think Yamcha did an exceptional job... except for the almost dying part." -Krillin {Dragonball} "Democracy is a contact sport; most of us are sitting on the sidelines." -Catherine Crier "Lisa, if we start conserving, the environmentalists win." -Homer Simpson "You would have to eat over seventy bowls of Total cereal to get the same amount of high fiber throughput found in only one 3526-1RU RAID Controller!!!" -PC Surplus Online "What are you standing around for, man? Don't you have, like, some of my bidding to do?" -Strong Bad "I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it." -Jack Handey "You used 'perfectly' and 'secure' in the same sentence. That is all the proof needed to show that you do not know what you are talking about." -D. Aldredge "The precise curvature of my smile and the the performance of my machine are directly proportional." -A. "But everyone has a different taste, you know? Develop your own style. Reach down inside yourself and pull out something... not like... organs. You know what I mean." -Strong Bad "It's a known fact that every superhero will fight to defend his unquestionable cliche." -Crag {The Ripping Friends} "I am Pilaf the Invincible! Tonight I will sleep without my night light." -Emperor Pilaf {Dragonball} "I have been telling you, this planet is in a bad neighborhood." -Sally Solomon {3rd Rock From the Sun} "This planet has crossed the line. Assemble the giant robot." -Dick Solomon {3rd Rock From the Sun} "TiVo wasn't fooled, and kept recording gay shows. Mr. Leon believes the box was giving them a message: 'You're definitely gay. And you're watching too much TV.'" -Jeffrey Zaslow "A man who can steal a wallet can do anything. What if he'd forced you into a giant vat of saline, forcing you - over a matter of months - to regenerate kidney after kidney after kidney?" -Sally Solomon {3rd Rock From the Sun} "Santa Claus is DEAD, beaten senseless for his shiny, black boots; and his reindeer don't give a DAMN!" -Dick Solomon {3rd Rock From the Sun} "A day without sunshine is like... well... um... you know... night." -A. "I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor, dumb bastard die for his country." -George S. Patton, Jr. "Any group that includes Charlemagne, Rock Hudson, Paul McCartney, Leonardo da Vinci, Benjamin Franklin, Jack the Ripper, and the Boston Strangler must be select, if not elite." -James de Kay, on left-handedness "Pain is weakness leaving the body." -A. "I would rather let a thousand stupid men suffer than let a single clever one be inconvenienced." -Tarik Dozier "It was so good that it's almost a shame to lose it to the process of digestion." -Bill Dauterieve {King of the Hill} "We had a nice couple of minutes together; she threatened me, I patronized her. We didn't have anything to eat, but I think we made a connection." -Andrew Shepard {The American President} "It's amazing what a little brain damage will do for your credibility." -Leonard Shelby {Memento} "There are no canonical references to the functionality of the toasters of the 23rd century in any Star Trek lore I've read. As such, I'm not quite sure where this information is supposed to have originated, save for the imagination of some dork with too much time on his hands." -Tarik Dozier "The line between a geek and a dork is not a particularly fine one. Quite the contrary, it is rather sloppily drawn, thought it does bear a vague resemblance to a map's borders after a round of political redistricting." -Tarik Dozier "I don't want to hear about that. We are henchmen in the middle of a plan." -{The Effects of Magic} "You know how much I hate that word [henchmen]. I prefer 'enforcement subordinates.'" -{The Effects of Magic} "I take an entire neighborhood, put it on my head, and dance around where the neighborhood used to be. The people who live in the neighborhood are terrified by my hopping, and some of them fall off my head and are trampled. It is then that the dance becomes a dance of sadness." -Space Ghost "I care about the innocent victims of my ill-advised dance of joy. Fries don't come with that deadly shake." -Space Ghost "Well, as they say, 'the nipple is the window of the soul.'" -Marie McCarthey "It's rather impolite for you to laugh at us while we scream in fear." -Spencer {Tokyo Pig} "To make smoothies from evil strawberries who want to take over the world, blend the evil strawberries with milk. Don't forget to take the stems off first. Of course, evil strawberries usually taste sour." -Weather Lady {Tokyo Pig} "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" -Richard Jeni "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" -Dave Barry "There will be a serious distinction between agents for smugglers and cyber-hyped would-be Jesuses who live to kill." -The Future According to Johnny Mnemonic "Wow, I wish I could get three minutes on their show now." -Tracey Ullman (discussing The Simpsons) The Olsen twins... what age are they going to be when they both appear in Playboy? I'm taking bets now." -Tracey Ullman "The following story contains graphic violence not suitable for anyone. Parental guidance is suggested. Or you can just staple the kid's eyelids shut. That's not suggested - the parental guidance thingy is suggested - but we can't deny that staplers are a timesaver." -{Sluggy Freelance} "Don't go to sleep or the kittens will eat you. I was going to use 'come with me if you want to live,' but that's been done. You try and come up with good satanic-kitten-hunting catch-phrases." -Riff {Sluggy Freelance} "Because MPlayer is in Hungary (a lawless, anarchistic nation), MPlayer does what MPlayer wants to do. MPlayer does not take shit from anyone." -/.AC "Anyone who can work The Three Stooges into a debate about Saudi Arabia is my friend." -Paul Begala {CNN Crossfire} "You know, nothing helps me more when I'm succumbing to mental trauma than a nice warm recap." -Riff {Sluggy Freelance} "Come away! O, human child! To the waters and the wild, With a faery hand in hand, For the world's more full of weeping Than you can understand." -W. B. Yeats, "The Stolen Child" "It's never a good sign when they do the finger-quotes over the word, 'debriefed.'" -Riff {Sluggy Freelance} "Don't try anything on my watch, because I am one tough chick, as shown by the tattoo on my face. I mean, getting my face all tattooed must have hurt like hell, but I did it, so obviously I must be tough as nails and not to be messed with!" -Sgt. Acey {Sluggy Freelance} "Does it really matter WHY a post was modded down? Any modding down is effectively because the moderator thinks the poster is an idiot; which category of idiot is an afterthought." -El "Frank got the [lost and found] clerk's attention just as he remembered that he didn't misplace his face; a satanic kitten tore it off. Scrambling to cover with a story about losing a Stetson hat, Frank realized his mouth was on his face. Elsewhere, boy was his face red." -Pete Abrams {Sluggy Freelance} "You might want to check his secret hideout down the street. You can't miss it; it's the evil log mansion." -{Time Squad} "Do you know what Hell is like? It is hot! It is uncomfortably hot and humid all of the time. So what do we have? Comfortable bathing suits? Margaritas? NO! PARKAS AND MITTENS! BECAUSE IT IS HELL!" -Satan {Sluggy Freelance} "Well, that's the good thing about death: you either die or you don't." -Hank Hill {King of the Hill} "Sock puppets are for babies. In the real world, beauty fades and penguins die a cold, horrible death." -Luanne Platter {King of the Hill} "There is a good speculative fiction story going until the END, which is INANE and LITERARY, because it is ILLEGAL for a work of LITERATURE to have CLOSURE." -David J. Parker, on The Handmaid's Tale "I had trouble getting to Solla Sollew. Then I learned that I can't run from my problems. But I can beat them senseless with a big stick." -Samuel Stoddard (I Had Trouble Getting To Solla Sollew, condensed) "Fry-man, don't be that way; c'mon, this happens everyday. People just don't, y'know, talk about it this loud." -Carl {Aqua Teen Hunger Force} "If Ben Affleck is the sexiest man alive, then the terrorists have won." -Salon.com "No, sir; Shake says that books are from the Devil, and that TV is twice as fast." -Meatwad {Aqua Teen Hunger Force} "I must have lost track of time. All the hype was true, Mom; if you see one film in your life, make sure it's Ass Disaster 4." -Brak {The Brak Show} "Hey! I need some cologne, a sledgehammer, and a raincoat... NOW!" -Zorak {The Brak Show} "Talena now comes in two settings: flipping people off and not flipping people off! Second option not recommended unless she is too busy playing bass to flip people off. Sorry, collar is not removable." -A., on Kittie "Don't you hate it when terribly clever people say terribly unexpected things like, 'your biggest sexual organ is... your brain?' Then they smile at you coyly, expecting some kind of facial reaction from you to confirm that they have indeed rocked your world. Damn pseudo-intellectual pop- psychologists." -Emma & Lorelei "These things, they do look better in pieces; they do." -Martin Swinton {A.I.: Artificial Intelligence}