"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the world." -Monica Swinton {A.I.: Artificial Intelligence} "A professor in philosophy is not a philosopher, but a scholar. He who quotes merely knows of the matter, not what it is." -A. "No, no... you've got it all wrong. Legally Blonde was an important film because vacuous, thin, pretty, rich, white sorority girls have, as a class of people, been overlooked and oppressed for far too long." -Tarik Dozier "The charming thing about pets is that they're smart. Yes, they do dumb, impulsive, terrible things, but afterwards they don't stick around." -Rob Fairchild "I don't call people 'idiots' for having contrary views; I call them 'idiots' when I believe their views are not derived from rational thought and careful consideration. People who merely disagree with me I call 'fools.'" -Lee Reyno "PHIlIPpIaNSFOuRThIRtEeNSaYSIcaNDoAnYTHiNGINtheNAMEofOURLOOOOOORD!" -Philip "I really don't want ethical education from a church that started the Crusades because their imaginary friend was 'better' than another imaginary friend." -Fig "You've gone too far. This is not ringing a doorbell and running away; this is serious. You have crossed from practical eccentrics to dangerous psychopaths. I'm taking you on a romantic ride to the hospital." -Carlotta McGuire {Penn and Teller Get Killed} "By the hand of Zeus, what manner of devilry is this? I mean... what gives?" -Ajax Duckman "Brushing your teeth isn't naughty or nice; it just falls into the category of... brushing your teeth." -Kyle Broflovski {South Park} "That which does not kill me... better be gone when I get back up." -A. "Power is inflicting pain and humiliation. Power is tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing." -O'Brien {1984}, George Orwell "Oh my God! I'm losing my perspicacity!" -Lisa Simpson "No, you can't play with it. You don't enjoy it on as many levels as I do." -Professor Frink {The Simpsons} "If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." -George W. Bush "I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don't always agree with them." -George H. W. Bush "I got to meet the Ku Klux Klan way too many times; and I don't mean to judge them, but they're assholes." -Margaret Cho "What kind of fucked up Motley-Crue-Behind-the-Music bullshit is this?!" -Margaret Cho "To answer the question of how I manage, day by day, to refrain from snapping and savagely murdering all who oppose me in new and more sickeningly creative ways, I can only say that if I were angry all the time, I couldn't be happy." -Rob Fairchild "Like I always say, 'if you can't stand the heat, you've got no business sleeping in the oven.'" -{Tokyo Pig} "Oh... once again I've confused Dad's psyche with a toasted breakfast food. Although the image of him fighting off a bloodthirsty waffle will forever remain a favorite in the playground of my mind." -Ajax Duckman "The monkey's holding out for a better contract. Don't try this with a non-union monkey." -Weather Lady {Tokyo Pig} "Thin-skinned no-humor pansies! You tell 'em an ice breaker or two about women-libbers, gays, environmentalists, several minorities, the homeless, a couple of religions, anorexics, obese people, the handicapped, old farts, baldness, and people who walk real goofy 'cause they just had a vasectomy, and suddenly they get all sensitive! Like I offended one of them or something?" -Eric Duckman "Homer, if I can write haikus while skinheads beat me with soap, I can concentrate anywhere." -Sideshow Bob {The Simpsons} "Becca Michelle Butterfield was pretty hot in I Still Have Some Issues With What You Did Last Summer." -Jim Kuback {Mission Hill} "This next song I wrote after I killed a drifter to get an erection." -Will Farrell, as Neil Diamond {SNL} "I want to meet a woman that will make me stop and listen to what she has to say. I want a woman who will make my jaw drop in awe." -Henry Rollins "My little shampoo collection is the envy of all who see it. Well, I've got to get something out of this geeky job." -Paula Poundstone "Those poor suckers on land with their laws and their ethics... they'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife-fight." -Homer Simpson "There needs to be a better word for 'weird.' Okay... I'm moving out." -Strong Sad "Saturday Night Live of the mid to late 1990s went through a somewhat gradual process of becoming unfunny on a number of levels. At first, it was merely not funny when compared to previous seasons of SNL. Then it wasn't funny relative to other sketch comedy shows, either contemporary or of any random era. Its final descent placed it as being rather less funny than various stiflingly mediocre sitcoms like, say, Friends. From there, it could only get better." -Tarik Dozier "He talks like he's in a movie." "Yes, Krillin; a very bad movie." -Krillin & Master Roshi {Dragonball} "Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what's right." -Isaac Asimov "My name is Ajax, not to be confused with the man on TV that fixes bicycles; but you probably wouldn't... because his name is Bill." -Ajax Duckman "Gods are fragile things; they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense." -Chapman Cohen "Friends, that have been thus forward in my right, I thank you all and here dismiss you all, And to the love and favor of my country Commit myself, my person and the cause. Rome, be as just and gracious unto me As I am confident and kind to thee. Open the gates, and let me in." -Saturninus {Titus Andronicus; Act I, Scene I}, William Shakespeare "This is real life; this is not page 47." -Frank Bielec {Trading Spaces} "Look... a center for the physical fitness. We do the bonding; follow me." -Massimo Lenzetti {The Wedding Planner} "I don't hate Hollywood. How do you think I paid for this house?" -John Waters "Insincere attempts to win a child's affection can cause his self-esteem to plummet until he drops out of school, has his vocal cords loosed to effect a deeper voice, then ends up being the only pig cage dancer at a waterfront leather bar... or so I'm told." -Cornfed {Duckman} "'I don't get it' is not an argument." -Lars Traeger "Every environment you're in should have some sense of whimsy. You have childish tendencies inside that should be celebrated, if not acted out. How dare we take ourselves so seriously we can't play?" -Genevieve Gorder "The right to figure things out for yourself is the only true freedom everyone shares." -R. A. Heinlein "Well, common sense does have a certain power." -A. "That is as unoriginal as a fucking snowball fight." -Janeane Garofalo "Would you put on your damn glasses? We shouldn't have to tell you each time the bear eats one of us." -Norm McDonald {SNL} "It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety." -Isaac Asimov "Cotton is easy to shop for. Either he likes what I get him and he's happy, or he shoots it and he's happy." -Didi Hill {King of the Hill} "Tell me your names; I wanna scratch 'em in my arm." -Petroleum Joe {The Brak Show} "It takes more courage to bare your heart to another person than all your other shameful body parts combined." -Rob Fairchild "We really need to work on your issues... like that whole killing thing." -Master Roshi {Dragonball} "I mean, that's what boyfriends and girlfriends do; they take off their clothes and then they look at each other naked." -Bobby Hill {King of the Hill} "Elmo knows where you live!" -Elmo {The Simpsons} "The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance. He shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked, so that a man shall say, 'verily there is a reward for the righteous.'" -Psalms 58, 10 & 11 "In the time required on average for you to condemn a person who fails to satisfy your religious, moral, or personal expectations, another of your brain cells is irreplacably lost. Although there isn't a direct relationship between these two facts, it does make one wonder if perhaps there might not be something better you could be doing with the brain cells you have left." -Rob Fairchild "The fight was anticlimactic and completely devoid of any cathartic experience." "I didn't understand a word you just said." -{Dragonball} "You're exceptional. Don't argue with me; I'm bigger than you." -Bulma {Dragonball} "Life's too short to do things that you can pay other people to do." -Johann {Trading Spaces} "Nothing interferes with my concentration. You could put on an orgy in my office and I wouldn't look up. Well, maybe once." -Isaac Asimov "What part of 'I'll break your spine' do you not understand?" -Oolong {Dragonball} "I used to drive a Heisenberg Uncertainty car, but I could never read the speedometer without getting lost." -A. "You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society." -Moe Szyslak {The Simpsons} "According to t-shirts and bumper stickers everywhere, 'chicks dig' many things. Ironically, the one thing chicks don't dig is being referred to as 'chicks.'" -Rob Fairchild "I'm going to my office; I have a 2:30 appointment with my inner child. He thinks he's gay." -{The Critic} "Why are the pretty ones always insane?" -Clancy Wiggum {The Simpsons} "Christ said a lot of great things about 'love thy neighbor,' and for the past two thousand years, people have been killing each other because they can't agree on how he said it." -Terry Gilliam "Nonsense, sir; you're the very model of sanity. Oh, by the way, I pressed yout tights and put away your exploding gas balls." -Alfred Pennyworth {Batman: Mask of the Phantasm} "Edie Brickell still lives!" -Henry Rollins "Oh, my goodness; that's the cutest thing ever to grace the long and illustrious history of cute things." -Tarik Dozier "You're a little scary sometimes; you know that? Brilliant... but scary." -Ron Weasley {Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone} "People are mean and dangerous, and it's best to stay away from them as much as you can." -Henry Rollins "In Soviet Russia, all your base are belong to a Beowulf cluster. Profit!" -Znonymous Coward (/.) "There are things worth worrying about and then there is the noise." -Codex "Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do." -Isaac Asimov "Religion and philosophy are essentially expressions of a fear that life has no meaning. A naked person waiting for me in bed is all the beauty I need to know the answer of the smarter ultimate question, which is whether or not life has value." -Rob Fairchild "It is a besetting vice of democracies to substitute public opinion for law." -James Fenimore Cooper "I'll say it again for the logic-impaired." -Larry Wall "My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating." -Ashleigh Brilliant "Whoa, man; you can take elves, dwarves, Rings of Power and so on, but you get all bent out of shape when there's a problem with the physics?" -zrk (/.) "Under certain circumstances, the heat from the projected beam has been known to melt the operator's face clean off; operator should be low-level henchman, or have no face." -VillainSupply.com (Laser Cannon MK V, shoulder mount) "Bow down before Us now; avoid the rush." -Dr. Freidrich E. DeSpayr, MD, Ph.D, Ev.D "If I were a cat, I'd be an enormous, mean, one-eyed cat that hated other cats. If I were a poet...." -Rob Fairchild "Yes, sir, I understand what it says in the warranty. But you see, sir, we were lying." -Customer Disservice Operator Julie "I don't remember anyone accusing me of being fair before. I think I'm insulted." -The Devil {Bedazzled} "Together you will be a wonderfully diverse and multi-ethnic superhero team... perhaps saving the environment, or whatever." -Mojo Jojo {Powerpuff Girls} "NEVER BLUFF WITH SUPERWEAPONS. If you're going to freeze London, or slice Florida off into the sea, or blow up the moon, THEN BE PREPARED TO FOLLOW THROUGH. Nothing's worse than a supervillain who's all bark and no bite. It just makes the rest of us look bad, and gives 'heroes' ideas." -Melanomor The Solar Man, Task Force Destruct-O "I don't mind porno. Whatever a man and a woman and another woman with a penis and a midget do with a donkey, that's their business." -Dave Attell "When you're a kid, it's so easy to have fun. A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... what else do you need?" -Dave Attell "It is not necessary to change. Survival is not mandatory." -W. Edwards Demming "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." -George Carlin "Each and every last one of us believes deep down, perhaps secretly, that we're better than someone else. So please do get over yourself and remember not to act surprised or offended when you discover to your horror that someone else thinks they're better than you." -Rob Fairchild "Sometimes I get a really bad headache, like my head is in a vice. And usually it turns out that that's exactly what's wrong." -Ajax {Duckman} "Ma'am, please wait outside. The doctor may need to start slamming his fist on the patient's chest and yelling, 'live, damn you, live,' and that may be hard to watch." -Nurse {Duckman} "I am not an animal! Well, okay, I'm kind of an animal. I mean, a few of my features are animal-like and I don't wear clothes, and I smell a little outdoorsy most of the time, but I have a job and I talk and stuff; so when I say I'm not an animal, I think, technically, I'm on solid ground." -Duckman "The world... the place you live in... is the sick place." -Kristof {The Truman Show} "That's what the Internet's for - slandering others anonymously." -Banky {Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back} "I think that the anti-Microsoft sentiment is simply due to their having been so successful selling a lot of crap." -Steve Wozniak "Sending props to your homies is always important." -DarkNova @ LamerKatz "I just want a really nice guy... who has a job... AND THE MISSING HALF OF THIS GOLDEN AMULET." -Maria Bamford "Oh, the thong can be an evil weapon." -Jim Ross "Those who refuse to accept that 'its' and 'it's' - or worse, 'your' and 'you're' - are not readily interchangebale should be fully prepared to suffer harsh penalties." -Tarik Dozier "That's why I love meeting new people; they aren't as smart as I am." -Mobab {The Brak Show} "Then later, in the Great Time of Leaness, my race was driven forth onto the Plane of Vastness, whereby Lofgar the Ill-Postured was made king of the People With No Name But Decent Footwear." -Gargoyle {Freakazoid!} "It was symbolism! He was mad!" -Homer Simpson "Imagine how much more wonderful the world would be if men stopped hating women, women stopped hating men, whites stopped hating blacks, blacks stopped hating Jews, nations stopped hating nations and religions stopped hating religions -- and instead everyone came together in peace and harmony to loathe and destroy only those names on my ever-growing list of enemies." -Rob Fairchild "This is a permanent error; I've given up. Sorry it didn't work out." -qmail-send program "Actually, I'm proud to say that in addition to knowing the greatest secrets of the Universe, I am also quite potty-trained." -Koenma {Yu Yu Hakusho} "Making something beautiful that costs $2000 is boring. Making something beautiful that costs $2 is a revolution. Ours is not a flashy crusade; it is a quiet mission." -IKEA "Chi is a home appliance; getting her some underwear is no big deal." -Hideki Motosuwa {Chobits} "My need to engage in homicidal behavior on a massive scale cannot be corrected, but, ah, I have no other way to fulfill my needs." -Patrick Bateman {American Psycho} "The Internet is a communications tool used the world over by which people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another." -Holden McNeil {Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back} "This is a much more sophisticated idea of the Net than we find in high- tech cyberthrillers, where the Net is a place that makes your computer beep a lot." -Roger Ebert "You just can't make this bullshit up." -Penn Jillette "You're funny... but you're also old." "Soon you will be dead. Then we'll dig up your grave and make your corpse do embarrassing things, a la Weekend At Bernie's." -Sally and Creepy Susie {The Oblongs} "Do you want another spanking like last night?" "Mom, that wasn't me; that was dad." "That's none of your business." -Milo and Pickles Oblong "It's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!" -Capt. Hazel "Hank" Murphy {Sealab 2021} "Nothin' beat the hobo life, stabbin' folks with my hobo knife." -The Singin' Hobo {The Simpsons} "God has sent this fiery kill-rock to show us His love." -Reverend Lovejoy {The Simpsons} "Are you going to do the accent, or not?" -Dawn French {French and Saunders} "Some cynical scientist will surely cry biology in my face, and claim that my admiration for women's breasts and hips and haircuts is pheromone based and unconscious. Well, I've got a bullet for that guy too. Any man whose craving for women isn't rooted in his spirit will never be able to honor women the way I do. And any woman who can't learn to revel in her own body - who loathes being put on a pedestal by herself or by a man - isn't worth my time." -Patrick Rigg {Kissing In Manhattan}, David Schickler "Listen, stop assuming you know me. I already told you that you can't relate because your brother was never Guppied to death. So unless you're in the business of binding women to bedposts on a pretty much nightly basis, don't pretend to know how I go about it and why." -Patrick Rigg {Kissing In Manhattan}, David Schickler "And even if there were a God, it would be a sorry God indeed if He cared more about who my soul belonged to, or how many times I masturbated each night, over how freely I gave of myself, or how many lives I've changed, or how the world is at all better for my having been in it. Save your souls from yourselves." -Rob Fairchild