"Never once let yourself do what you know is not quite right." -Nick Taylor "If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people. If you're smart, surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you." -Isaac Jaffe {Sports Night} "There comes a time in a man's life when he needs to look his very best. When that time comes for me, Brak, I don't want to be caught with my pants down, I'll tell you that. Let me show you what that would look like...." -Brak's Dad "Stop opening your mouth." -Hilda Santo-Tomas {Trading Spaces} "Kids are very particular about cheese. It has to be square." -Arby's "The average woman requires a mean of about 17 minutes of stimulation to reach orgasm. Dividing a single day up into 84.7 screaming orgasms is such a pleasant thought for me that quite frankly it makes me wonder why anybody ever does anything else at all." -Rob Fairchild "Ahh, kettle chips... the perfect side dish... FOR REVENGE." -Sideshow Bob {The Simpsons} "If you had half as much fun watching this show as we did making it, well, then we had twice as much fun making the show as you did watching it." -Casey McCall {Sports Night} "Listen, if I want shit from you, then I'll squeeze your head." -Paul "Triple H" LeVesque "The only unfortunate incident of the evening comes when the band falls apart while trying to perform the complex 'Breaking the Law' riff." -Eddie DiBergi (fozzyrock.com) "The Commissioner does not appreciate being called an 'assclown,' nor can I blame him." -Paul Heyman "The pics on this page and the next few pages provide just a glimpse at the madness that ensued. The hours of autograph signings, women fainting, the occasional temper tantrum, and, of course, a pig wearing fatigues." -Eddie DiBergi (fozzyrock.com) "Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance." -Sam Brown "You people have been led to believe that mediocrity is excellence." -Chris "Jericho" Irvine "I demand respect and chicks! I am Moongoose McQueen and all of you are my fans...." -Chris "Moongoose McQueen" Irvine, Fozzy "Most people aren't aware of the fact that, after each Fozzy extravaganza, every band member is hospitalized for at least three weeks from dehydration and other side-effects of their all-out performance. Here they will lay in a semi-comatose haze (and yes, that's different than their regular haze), hooked up to IVs and mumbling to themselves. As a precaution the band also tours with their own medical staff of highly qualified physicians and nurses (most of whom have a legitimate-looking medical diploma)." -Eddie DiBergi (fozzyrock.com) "I'd like to start by saying that being the greatest, most influential guitar player of all time has always been easy for me. The combination of my virtuosity and a lack of talent found in any other guitar player I've ever heard has secured my place in rock history." -Duke LaRue, Fozzy "What are you, nuts? Are you just some... nutty-nut girl who's nuts?" -Dan Rydell {Sports Night} "Although I have sometimes repaid your kindness with bursts of uncontrollable violence, you've always been there for me, regardless of the length of your hospitalization. I love you guys!" -Arthur (fozzyrock.com) "You can always tell a Harvard graduate; you just can't tell him much." -A. "It's not a toy. It makes real cupcakes with a forty watt bulb, and there's icing packets. But the secret ingredient is love... damn it." -Capt. Hazel "Hank" Murphy {Sealab 2021} "You come out here every week and you like to play the ignorant jackass. Hey, don't get me wrong; you do a great job. You're the best ignorant jackass we've got here." -Paul "Triple H" LeVesque "Let The Rock answer your question with a question of his own. Are you mentally, as well as physically, prepared to tickle the anus of a monkey?" -Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson "Eddie, stay out of my cleavage. I can't hear you." -Joanie "Chyna" Laurer "While I sat and tried to think of a really good Viagra joke, I'm sure I experienced what would otherwise be a small fortune in effortless erections, and, really, that's funny enough for me." -Rob Fairchild "Now, the napkin is not your enemy. Oh no." -Steven William Regal "It doesn't matter if you feel besmirched!" -Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson "Well, there were a lot of bullies in my neighborhood when I was a kid.... I got beat up a lot. So now when I get the chance, I like to sucker-punch people." -Capt. Hazel "Hank" Murphy {Sealab 2021} "I think we need to add a few more polygons to Stephanie." -Chris "Jericho" Irvine "'I AM THE VULVA THAT ATE NEW YORK!'" -Henry Rollins (1/23/2003, Murat Theatre, Indianapolis) "Either be Rock Motherfucker or Pop Bitch, but don't suck both asses at the same time." -Henry Rollins (1/23/2003, Murat Theatre, Indianapolis) "It's horrible in here." -Henry Rollins, pointing at his head (1/23/2003, Murat Theatre, Indianapolis) "Can you imagine buying a Fatboy Slim album? White people can." -Henry Rollins (1/23/2003, Murat Theatre, Indianapolis) "I've seen water like this, but only in little plastic bottles." -Henry Rollins (1/23/2003, Murat Theatre, Indianapolis) "I believe that the only thing that's saving us is the will of good people to do the right thing. I have all of my chips riding on you." -Henry Rollins (1/23/2003, Murat Theatre, Indianapolis) "Humans have always been funny little creatures. They'll condemn a person for standing idly by as another is victimized - despite the common human failings and the inherent instinct for self-preservation - but the very idea of holding their allegedly benevolent, omniscient, omnipotent, and [in all ways, realized or otherwise] perfect deity to a similar standard of decency is considered blasphemous." -Tarik Dozier "I understand what makes a woman think that any man is better than nothing. I'll just never understand what makes a woman think she's got nothing." -Jeremy Goodwin {Sports Night} "I swear, if I keep having all these annoying minor mishaps I am going to turn into the Monster That Destroyed Indianapolis. I think tomorrow I am going to wear my axe-murdering shirt." -Alexandra Howell "I want you to remember one thing. You're a boy in a man's world; and I'm a man who loves to play with boys." -Kurt Angle "That's why you're there, kid, and I'm here; experience. It's the only thing that seperates us from the animals. Well... that, and product placement." -Harvey Birdman, Attorney At Law "I'll bet a lot of you out there are uncomfortable in your seats after watching this program. You probably need some talcum." -George Lowe {Sealab 2021} "Pudding can't fill the emptiness inside me! But it'll help." -Capt. Hazel "Hank" Murphy {Sealab 2021} "Uhh... you gotta check with Henchman Resources on that; it's not my department. But you will get a helmet and jumpsuit. Oh yeah, and metal teeth." -Jodene Sparks {Sealab 2021} "I said it was dodgeball time, bitch." -Derek "Stormy" Waters {Sealab 2021} "Shut your pie hole, Blip! Why, twenty years ago I woulda put your head in a half nelson, twisted it around, saying each letter of the alphabet on every turn, and then when I reached the first letter of my true love's name (that would be the lovely Elizabeth), I would yank your head clean off and roll it down the pike like a bowling ball!" -Grandpa Ghostal {Space Ghost Coast to Coast} "I am the Lone Locust of the Apocalypse. Think of me when you look to the night sky." -Zorak "Shut! Shut! If you had a neck and I had hands, I would squeeze your brain - which is your body - right out the top of your head, which does not exist!" -Carl {Space Ghost Coast to Coast} "Dames are like mustard: they taste great on a sandwich. But when you're not eating a sandwich... they just sit there in the fridge... on a shelf... in a jar... labeled... 'Mustard.'" -Space Ghost "I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna kick your teeth so far down your throat that you'll be able to chew your own ass out for pissing me off." -Mark "The Undertaker" Calloway "What can I say? Chicks dig the mask." -Glen "Kane" Jacobs "I don't play CEO; I AM the CEO!" -Linda McMahon, CEO, World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc. "We are privacy nuts. We will not sell, rent or in any other way share any of your account or Geek Points information with anybody, except maybe our dogs." -ThinkGeek.com "Well, not really; but it's a good story." -Jim Ross "Thomas was startled by her words. He was in the presence of something lovely, namely Jocelyn, and he wanted to stay there with the loveliness, not rush to another moment." -David Schickler {Kissing In Manhattan} "My job is being right when other people are wrong." -George Bernard Shaw "I've been in love; I've been with women. They don't know enough about their own beauty for me to be in awe of them. None of us knows enough about his own beauty." -Father Thomas Merchant {Kissing In Manhattan}, David Schickler "'October the Eighth, Nineteen Hundred and Ninety-Eight AD.' AD?! They're worried I might accidentally show up 2000 years before the birth of Christ?" -Casey McCall {Sports Night} "I've just gotta tell you that at this point, the length of this conversation is way out of proportion with my interest in it." -Dan Rydell {Sports Night} "On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question." -Charles Babbage "What are we speaking in, class... everybody? 'Unison.' Very good." -Erik Robbins {Home Movies} "I might be an asshole, but I worked hard to become one." -Allan Hopper {2 Days in the Valley} "Not everyone can have a web site. You either have to really like something a lot, really hate something a lot, or... just have a lot of time." -Ellen DeGeneres "Hope you're doing well, and thanks for devoting way too much time to your website for me." -Vance DeGeneres "The Moon belongs to America, and anxiously awaits the arrival of our astro-men." -Troy McClure {The Simpsons} "There's no semen in wrestling." -Jim Ross "There's no necrophilia in wrestling." -Jim Ross "I've been sticking $30 in pennies up my ass for the past eleven years! That's 3000 pennies a day; 21,000 pennies a week; 1,092,000 pennies a year! To date, that's 12,012,000 pennies - eight times the population of Nebraska. Those pennies were in my ass! You think you're better than me? Oh, you're not better than me; you handle my ass-pennies everyday. You pick up my ass-pennies for good luck. You throw my ass-pennies in fountains and make wishes on them. You give my ass-pennies to your little daughter to buy gumballs with." -{Upright Citizens Brigade} "When my brother was getting potty trained, he would occasionally take a dump in his drawers, then tell Mom that his sister did it. Congratulations, you've taken the Dumbest Conspiracy Theory award from him." -Tony Campbell "We all die. It's how stupid the death is - rather than how tragic - that is important." -A. "This morning, I poured orange juice in my cereal. I wasn't thinking. I just grabbed it... poured it. I was half-asleep. Then, I realized I love it; I think it's a great mix. Then, I realized it's the coporations and the advertisers who prevent us from doing stuff like this. They program us to think one way: milk/cereal. Then you realize orange juice/cereal is fine; it all goes in the same place. You know the old saying." -John McGuirk {Home Movies} "I had a nightmare about Trish [Stratus] last night. I dreamed that I was about six months old, she was my mother, and I was a bottle baby." -Jerry Lawler "Well, in two years it'll be just in time for the extended, expanded, special three-movie collector's edition of the director's cut. Brewed with a premium blend of bonus material and loaded with never-before-cared-about footage, enhanced with gaffer commentary in both the gaffer's native language and three others, not to mention the several TV specials that you've seen before, but haven't yet been given the opportunity to pay a premium for." -1nv4d3r "Sure, The Matrix Revisited had a lot of extras... but this has even more! Personally I'm waiting for the FIFTH special edition of this movie, the one with the lost thirty minutes of footage of a farmer milking a cow right in the middle of the movie." -Zork "If you do hurt the cat, keep our names out of it. We don't want to be involved in your feline sadomasochism." -Penn Jillette {Bullshit!} "I worked for EarthLink for a while. Customer service, then purchasing, then graphic design. That's pretty much the post-film school employment road as I understand it. It's what Spike Lee did, I think, anyway. When I grow up I definitely want to get back into customer service. My place is on the phones, getting screamed at, refusing to give folks their money back." -Matt Chapman "I want to believe there are millions of great web sites I haven't seen." -A. "Sorry to everyone else for the rant, but I'm so tired of ignorant people opining on topics of which they are clearly ignorant. 'Insightful' my ass." -Dirk Pitt "Don't ever call these 'mishaps.' People don't die in mishaps." -dextr0us "You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos." -Homer Simpson "Tarik, you're a real piece o' work." -William McClinton (1987) "Sometimes I think Trent just needs a cup of hot chocolate and a blankie." -Tori Amos "So, what are you doing to protect my constitutional right to bear doomsday devices? Today the mad scientist can't get a doomsday device, tomorrow, it's the mad grad student." -Professor Hubert Farnsworth {Futurama} "You're entering the vicinity of an area adjacent to a location; the kind of place where there might be a monster... or some kind of weird mirror. These are just examples. It could also be something much better. Prepare to enter... The Scary Door. As per your request, please find enclosed the last man on Earth." -{Futurama} "I hear that! I spent most of my teen years loving my body. Of course, it was tough love...." -Philip Fry {Futurama} "Tom Cruise shouldn't try to win Oscars. He should just smile and kick people in the face and leave the acting to Hugh Jackman. Why Hugh Jackman? I dunno; come up with your own example, smart-ass." -Doug Benson "He struck a chord with the voters when he pledged not to go on a killing spree." "But like most politicians, he promised more than he could deliver." -Bender Rodriguez & Prof. Hubert Farnsworth {Futurama} "Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death come quickly to his enemies." -Morbo {Futurama} "Listen to me, Meatwad. Is it hot girl-on-girl action?" -Master Shake {Aqua Teen Hunger Force} "Congratulations; you just got your first slow-motion entrance." -Catherine {Not Another Teen Movie} "Look, you can't just start a slow clap at any old time and expect everyone to join in. You have to wait for the right moment." -Melissa Joan Hart {Not Another Teen Movie} "I don't like earthquakes. I just don't go running through the house naked screaming, 'run for your life!'" -Prudence Halliwell {Charmed} "They have secrets, too." "Well, unless they're transvestite Nazi war criminals with really good face-lifts, ours beats theirs." -Prudence and Piper Halliwell {Charmed} "I have no sway over the weather. I do have a friend who works with the wind, but she's out of town." -The Seer {Charmed} "That should probably be written: no !@#$%^&*:@!semicolon." -Larry Wall "I can hear the wheels grinding in your confrontational brains, 'If he loves movies, then why does he seem to hate every one that comes out?' Because most movies stink like 1929's garbage - a particularly bad year for garbage - that's why! If everything didn't suck, then I wouldn't hate everything. It's that simple." -Doug Benson "I like WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY because some children deserve to be taken to a chocolate factory and tortured. I like DAWN OF THE DEAD because you don't normally get to kill all of the zombies hanging out at the mall." -Doug Benson "Leave the premises now, or I will be forced to call the security guard, who - although old and feeble - will whip you and beat you without mercy until you sing campfire songs in the voice of a little girl!" -{Dilbert} "Fans of the comic book are upset that the filmmakers chose to depict Spider-Man's web shooter as organic instead of as a device created by his alter ego, Peter Parker. Fucking Nerds!" -Doug Benson "I am so impressed that you can make a protest statement and show cleavage all at the same time." -Prudence Halliwell {Charmed} "How many good omens involve something that comes out of a chicken's butt?" -Dogbert "While you're here, shop in our best-seller department, complete with its own coffee bar. Or drop by our music shop, also with its own coffee bar. Or, perhaps you'd rather visit our international coffee bar, complete with its own little book department, which has its own tiny little coffee bar inside... and a selection of tiny adult magazines." -Leonardo Leonardo {Clerks} "Sometimes you just have to beat people." -Leslie Lutz "We realised why Deborah and I have such extraordinary telepathy, and why people treat us and look at us the way they do. It is because we are mad. We are both stark raving mad!" -Pauline Parker "We have decided how sad it is for others that they cannot fully appreciate our genius." -Pauline Parker "You should be angry that we can be so easily led, so easily sold to, so easily mollified. What does it take to get your anger up?" -Bill Maher "No, you don't know what you mean. If you did, you would have the words to explain it." -Henry Hulme "Good luck finding a candy-flavored ass!" -Capt. Hazel "Hank" Murphy {Sealab 2021} "Man, I'm torn between my love of gloops and my love of killing." -Marco Rodrigo Diaz de Vivar Gabriel Garcia Marquez {Sealab 2021} "Yes, those melting gloops really did some deep tissue damage. Imagine, if you will, being encased inside a giant roasting marshmallow. Really imagine it. Do it." -The Doctor {Sealab 2021} "Yeah, they're real stupid. One time they were gonna erase this guy's mind, but they didn't want to fork out the cash for the mind obliteration gun, as if one existed. Anyway, they put the guy in a closet, they paint the closet, they put the guy in there thinking that the paint fumes will make him forget so that he wouldn't tell his mom we hit him in the head with a hammer." -Shake replicant {Aqua Teen Hunger Force} "Look, I know he was a replicant sent here to deterraform our planet... which will never work, by the way. It's not even a word." -Frylock {Aqua Teen Hunger Force} "Giant worm repellant costs money, comrade Mother, and money is nothing but an evil yoke that the capitalist slave-masters have chained to the neck of the working class oxen. Oh, that was Doghouse Charlie's caption from yesterday. Sometimes he mixes in a political message with his special brand of humor." -Brak's Dad {The Brak Show} "You should fear my baby nuggets." -Ty Pennington {Trading Spaces} "Five hundred years of oppression... and yet somehow I find this the most irritating." -John Redcorn {King of the Hill} "Brak, I love you like a brother, but you're crazy, man." -Brak's Dad {The Brak Show}