"This is a writing tool that we invented. We call it a 'metaphor.' Pretty soon, everyone will be doing this, but that's okay; we're used to getting ripped off." -Blue Man Group "I can't help but chuckle at the concept of a force feedback 'dating sim' game. Imagine how bruised you'd get." -Fred Gallagher "Yeah, well, people were okay with [voting by] reading and then punching a hole in a piece of paper for 200 years. But that was before MTV, Fox, and hip-hop." -Threni "Blessed are those who treat their cellular phones like the private parts of their own bodies. Yes, they're jolly good fun and quite useful now and again, but there's a time and a place." -Rob Fairchild "Major power companies have sunk tens of millions of dollars into a scheme to produce energy by putting hydrogen atoms into a state below their ground state, a feat equivalent to mounting an expedition to explore the region south of the South Pole." -Robert L. Park "There is, alas, no scientific claim so preposterous that a scientist cannot be found to vouch for it." -Robert L. Park "Please repeat after me. 'Toppings do not great pizza make.' Behold, the American pizza. More often than not, all these strata - raw vegetables, salty meats, insipid cheese foods, and innocuous sauce - really only mask a deeper deficiency that's right here: crust with all the flavor and texture of a mouse pad." -Alton Brown {Good Eats} "Well, I guess he didn't care for my yeast inflection." -Alton Brown {Good Eats} "All great wisdom is contained in .signature files." -A. "Going into that environment was like putting yourself through some grueling, humbling, cult initiation without the promise of a mass suicide." -Laura Kightlinger, on SNL "If we can't tell you how to raise your children, then don't tell us how to raise our Internet." -Talking Goat "I won't apologize for the belief that a geek hottie is as rare as a diamond and many times more precious." -Kurt Richter It's a sad fact, but, when you think about it, sleazy pickup lines are often more effective than honest expressions of affection, and worse this is only partly explained by the fact that sleazy pickup lines are far more common." -Rob Fairchild "Isn't it just like life? You work and you work and you work, and a bird poops on you." -Frank Bielec {Trading Spaces} "Only by treating everyone as our neighbors, with dignity and respect, can we hope to maintain the element of surprise on that inevitable day when we wipe our enemies from the face of the earth." -{Duckman} "Blaming everything on God is one kind of pseudoscience, blaming everything on genes is another." -shams42 "This is an abomination. Let's go get her before she does any more." -Stacy London {What Not to Wear} "The world can be a torture chamber, but you might as well look your best while you're going through it." -Eileen {What Not to Wear} "Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs." -Kernighan "Stan, sometimes God takes those closest to us because it makes him feel better about himself. He is a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about something we did thousands of years ago. He just can't get over it, so he doesn't care who he takes - children, puppies - it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Look at it this way: if you want to make a baby cry, first you give it a lollipop; then you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then it would have nothing to cry about. That's like God, who gives us life and love and health just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry, so he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power." -Chef {South Park} "Everybody starts out as strangers, Ted; it's where we end up that counts." -Angela {Four Rooms} "I plan to become so famous that drag queens will dress like me in parades when I'm dead." -Laura Kightlinger "When did I become security at the gay border?" -Laura Kightlinger "There's a guy out here waiting to throw you down a flight of stairs. Should I send him in?" -The faceless man in Laura Kightlinger's dream "Look at those non-skybox losers, watching hokey without sushi... if you can call that 'hockey.'" -Homer Simpson "You don't explain responsibility to a child; you pound it into him with steel-toed boots!" -Cotton Hill {King of the Hill} "It's hard to be willful when your will stays broken." -Cotton Hill {King of the Hill} "Combat bowl?! The only bowl he's supposed to be making is from a hollowed- out skull!" -Cotton Hill {King of the Hill} "How can I prove we're live? Penis!" -Kent Brockman {The Simpsons} "Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration." -A. "You're too stupid to be offended by this." -Sam McCall "So I gave the cookies you made to Fawn and the kids, and they couldn't believe it. They were delicious! But I digress. TREMBLE, puny earthlings! One day, my race will DESTROY YOU ALL!" -Morbo {Futurama} "But you're better than normal; you're ABNORMAL. If you ask me, you shouldn't care what other people think." -Philip J. Fry {Futurama} "You know... seeing that strange robot force twelve children to do his bidding makes me think about kids of our own." -Adlai {Futurama} "Time is an abstract concept created by carbon-based lifeforms to monitor their ongoing decay." -Thundercleese {The Brak Show} "Excuse me; my... uhhh... uh, girlfriend and I are celebrating our third anniversary next week, the third anniversary commemorated, of course, by the giving of leather...." -Eric Duckman "One must take drastic measures to prevent static discharge. Care must be taken to preserve the purity of these components. PH34R MY L33T N3KK1D SK1LLZ!!!" -Largo {MegaTokyo} "They were hotter under the collar than a priest with... deep heating rub inside his... uhh... clerical... collar. Hey, it's my first joke in eight episodes. Lay off!" -Mambo Duckman "Actually, they're all the same movie. That's why Hollywood films are like visits from old friends." -Ajax Duckman "I told you I liked them big." -Genevieve Gorder {Trading Spaces} "Hey, I get enough flaming toilet paper thrown on me at home." -Chief Clancy Wiggum {The Simpsons} "If it happens once, it's a bug. If it happens twice, it's a feature. If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy." -A. "If God didn't want us covered in tattoos, he wouldn't have given us so much skin." -A. "Son, it's time we had that special man-to-man talk about where babies come from. See, your mom and I tried to... uhhh... 'swap location,' and everybody knows that to swap two variables, you need a temporary variable. Well, you're that temporary variable. You just better hope you don't go out of scope soon...." -Jeremy Bowers "Unfortunately, one cannot substitute theory for evidence." -A. "It's called the 'double standard,' Bobby; don't knock it. We got the long end of the stick on that deal." -Hank Hill {King of the Hill} "Awww... he looks like a little insane drunken angel." -Amy Wong {Futurama} "It's not 'Ha-Ha' funny. It's more like 'Mom, I think the cat's dead' funny." -Brett Peugh "Fry cracked corn, and I don't care. Leela cracked corn, I still don't care. Bender cracked corn, and he is great! Take that, you stupid corn." -Bender Rodriguez, singing {Futurama} "(For the love of all that is good and decent, please don't try this at home.)" -caption while Alton Brown sings the cutting boards blues {Good Eats} "But after a while you learn to cope with things like seeing your dead grandmother crawling up your leg with a knife in her teeth." -Hunter S. Thompson {Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas} "Dude, your '4' key seems to be stuck, and you're hitting it every time you try to hit the 'S' key. You might want to seek professional help." -The Bungi (re. "M$") "I don't know what you did, Fry, but once again you screwed up. Now all the planets are going to start cracking wise about our mamas." -Leela {Futurama} "It's funny; you live in the universe, but you never do these things until someone comes to visit." -Dr. Zoidberg {Futurama} "Anyone can become angry - that is easy. But to be angry at the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not easy." -Aristotle "With works of art being digitized, we can gain access to them from home, and enjoy the world's masterworks without having to give up being alone." -Blue Man Group "All things are contingent, and there is also chaos. In other words... shit happens." -Spalding Gray's psychiatrist "For a month, my mother became really productive (Mom's productivity is measured in forwarded joke emails), and then, abruptly, stopped being productive at all. Concerned about the uncharacteristically empty 'Mother' folder in Outlook Express (a subfolder of 'Deleted Items'), I sent several emails which went unanswered. It occurred to me that she might have been sucked into some port on the back of the computer and was deadlocked in a virtual game of computerized cribbage with either Keanu Reeves or a rogue supercomputer from IBM, but I didn't follow up on this." -Donald Scott "Confusion descended. I felt as though I'd ordered a latte and been handed a stapler." -Donald Scott "Sometimes you get the fuzzy end of the lollipop." -Frank Bielec {Trading Spaces} "Every work you make has to be a surprise to the Earth." -Olivier Castro-Staal {Six Feet Under} "When will man learn that all races are equally inferior to robots?" -Bender Rodriguez {Futurama} "Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely." -Genji "Some people ask me how I can sleep at night. Well, who says that I do?" -Wanda Holloway "I'm sorry, but this TV series is not anime. As a member of the geek community, I believe we should stand up and say 'NO!' to the non-Japanese people who wish to animate stuff." -/.AC "My insights are modded 'funny,' my jokes modded 'troll,' and my trolls modded 'interesting.' What a sad world we live in." -deadsaijinx* "I woke up this morning and I just hated everything." -Lara Croft {Tomb Raider} "It's a matter of semantics, and I don't feel like continuing to explain it. There are college courses for that. This free lesson is over." -PetiePooo "You think Internet DDoS attacks are bad, just wait until you have 10,000 pigeons flying straight for you!" -evilviper "You can't PAY for entertainment like this!" -Elder Kaioshin {DBZ} "Remember, nondescript conformity is the foundation of a happy, productive workforce. Bring back the beige brick!" -Dirk Hoag "The best part about banging your head against a wall is when you stop. It's the same with using Windows." -A. "Ease of use... it's the American way. Sure, you may say it's security by obscurity, but deadbolts are EXACTLY the same thing. Any idiot can break down the door or pick the lock; it's just easier to get into a home with a door that's already open." -Rick (Havokmon) "[The iMac] looks like it's from another planet... a planet with better designers." -Steve Jobs "It's your god. They're your rules. YOU go to hell." -Cereal Box "Well, whoop-de-doo! I am the smartest hillbilly in Hillbilly Town!" -Peggy Hill {King of the Hill} "Well, Americans as a whole, are pretty dumb. Being an American I can say this. Dumb is what we do. We do it well... I think." -Restiff "I have no idea what I'm seeing right now, but I have a feeling that it's really, really wrong." -Stan Marsh {South Park} "Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid." -A. "We have to go forth and crush every world view that doesn't believe in tolerance and free speech." -David Brin "'Open Source' is not the same as 'the developers must do my bidding.' The only person who has any obligation to fix the bugs you want fixed is you." -Bugzilla Etiquette Guide "If a respected project contributor complains about your Bugzilla attitude, then you may have your account disabled. If you don't like this possibility, become a respected project contributor." -Bugzilla Etiquette Guide "If this were an after-school special, ooh, you'd pay a bittersweet price for your little deceit." -Freakazoid "We are wise and cunning. We stole man's fire and then tried to hide it in our pockets. That was painful and dumb, so we became even more cunning." -The Lawn Gnomes {Freakazoid!} "The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that he is already degraded." -George Orwell "Isn't that carrying anal-retentive micro-management to an almost sociopathic extreme?" -Cornfed {Duckman} "I am prepared to meet anyone, but whether anyone is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." -Mark Twain "In the future, the science of advertising will improve to the point where buying what you see in an advertisement is no longer optional." -Scott Adams, "The Dilbert Future" "Knowledge, sir, should be free to all!" -Harry Mudd {ST:TOS} "If you go looking for something, don't find it, because when you find it, it has rabies." -Jason {Home Movies} "If irony were made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now." -{South Park} "I hope you're not pretending to be evil while secretly being good. That would be dishonest." -A. "With my mighty robot powers, I can get sick of things much quicker than you humans." -Bender Rodriguez {Futurama} "I will promise you a day of reckoning that you will not live long enough to ever forget." -Joe Sarno {Way of the Gun} "If we kill people who are just like us, then there will be none of us left. If we kill people who are not like us, we can take their stuff. What? You want us to stop killing people? As if." -/.AC "I would never damage anything of quality. I would only damage what's crappy." -Doug Wilson {Trading Spaces} "I am Genevieve Gorder's shameless man-bitch. Woe is I." -Tarik Dozier, watching Trading Spaces "It's fun to use learning for evil!" -Lil' Sis {Diesel Sweeties} "Feh! Fighting is a pathetic, inefficient hu-man construction. I PREFER PURE, UNADULTERATED SLAUGHTER!" -Red Robot #C-63 {Diesel Sweeties} "I still have a soul? Then where did I get this twenty bucks?" -Indie Rock Pete {Diesel Sweeties} "Oooh; this is even better than our screensaver, and I LOVE our screensaver." -Marge Simpson "The only way not to be trapped is to not have anything." -Nate Fisher {Six Feet Under} "YOU KEEP MONEY; BUU KEEP ICE CREAM!" -Majin Buu {DBZ} "Today my head said 'meatloaf,' but my heart said 'fishsticks.'" -Pete Wrigley {The Adventures of Pete & Pete} "You don't take history; it takes you... deep into its tangled web." -Cecil Tucker {The Adventures of Pete & Pete} "Today it's cheating, tomorrow it's overdue library books. What next, Pete, robbing mini-marts?" -Natasha {The Adventures of Pete & Pete} "Backups are for wimps. Real men upload their data to an FTP site and have everyone else mirror it." -Linus Torvalds "It's been a very jarring experience realizing that other people, other people's lives, have become my people, my life. The outside world has somehow gotten into my living room and set up camp. The thing is... I don't remember sending invitations or letting them in." -Geryll Robinson, "i'm beginning to realize why peter pan lived in never never land" {TMLMTBGB} "All superheroes have a special weakness. It's part of the deal, along with tights and the snazzy catch-phrase." -SMC "He can hear everything in the world at any moment, he can smell colors, his sense of touch manifests itself in amazing balance, agility, and strength, and of course, his heightened sense of taste allows him to... I dunno, enjoy a Happy Meal like no one's business." -SMC, on Daredevil "If there's one thing that the Web has changed about modern communication, it's that we've at long last done away with the archaic idea that publishing is the private playground of people who have ideas, experiences, and opinions." -Lore Sjoberg "This is the sword and sorcery section of our show, and if you can't handle that, well, you can kiss my ass." -Stephanie Shaw, "In Defense of the Fantasy Section" {TMLMTBGB} "You might be wondering why I'm sitting on this stool... on top of this tall wooden box. Well, if you are, that's simply too bad. In this play, things are going to happen which you will not expect Exeter Tuesday on a broken phonograph." -Andy Bayiates, "the subversivest play you've never" {TMLMTBGB} "I have two love stories in my life. One is trigonometric substitutions, and the other is the Lagrangian." -Prof. Alain Brizard "If I were King of America, with a veto stamp in one hand and a cat-o- nine-tails in the other, I'd build a moat around Washington, DC and the better parts of Virginia and Maryland, and wear chain mail to bed." -John Pierson, "If I Were a Better Man" {TMLMTBGB} "I'm not sure I feel good about living in a world where that sort of thing is possible." -Claudia Jean "C.J." Cregg {The West Wing} "Jung or no Jung, I refuse to believe that a short stack of banana pancakes means the same thing in my dreams as it does in every other person's dream. I have a very idiosyncratic relationship with banana pancakes." -Lore Sjoberg "Only old people need glasses to read. I use mine to drive... and run... and... jump." -Hank Hill {King of the Hill} "Frankly, if my dreams are prophesies, then Kurt Loder and my first-grade teacher have a larger role to play in future events than one could reasonably expect." -Lore Sjoberg "Yeah, but everybody's a jerk... you, me, this jerk. That's my philosophy." -Bender {Futurama} "Ninjas can kill anyone they want! Ninjas cut off heads ALL the time and don't even think twice about it. These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time. I heard that there was this ninja who was eating at a diner, and when some dude dropped a spoon the ninja killed the whole town. My friend Mark said that he saw a ninja totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window." -Sean Daily