"Hell hath no fury like Lionel Richie's 'Dancing on the Ceiling.'" -Brett Peugh "When this is all over, remind me to run screaming into the night." -Daria Morgendorffer "The WWE is booked for the sort of fans who watch horror movies in order to see what type of innovative weapons Jason is going to use to slice up the camp counselors." -Pat McNeill "It's just a name, like the Death Zone or the Zone of No Return. All the zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror. Off you go! Pleasant trip!" -Prof. Hubert Farnsworth {Futurama} "It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns! And also, he got a racecar! Is any of this getting through to you?" -Philip Fry {Futurama} "Due to a printing error, the word, 'fuckwad,' inadvertently appeared in a play performed last week." -Scott Hermes, "Corrections and Clarifications" {TMLMTBGB} "When I say, 'How are you,' I mean, 'Hello.' When I say, 'Hello?' I mean, 'What do you mean?' When I say, 'What do you mean?' I mean, 'You're an idiot.'" -Scott Hermes, "Corrections and Clarifications" {TMLMTBGB} "I mean, who would've thought that all of these people want to see ME naked?" -Torrie Wilson "They never just kill you; there's always a lecture." -Eric Duckman "Scott Steiner has something that is missing in some of the big name stars today... he looks like he's crazy and wants to kill you." -James Guttman "There's nothing quite so speechless-making as being confronted by your own underwear at work." -Kathleen Dickason "Maybe you should put some shorts on or something... if you want to keep fighting evil today." -Carole the Bowler {Mystery Men} "Whoa; how very, very relevant." -Eric Cartman {South Park} "Anyway, I'm through being an intellectual. I'm too well-adjusted." -Quinn Morgendorffer {Daria} "We're all ashamed of our pores, but we shouldn't be ashamed of our shame." -Quinn Morgendorffer {Daria} "She's clearly overestimating my conscience... by assuming that I have one at all." -Daria Morgendorffer "Nobody likes a know-it-all, Chuck." -Alton Brown {Good Eats} "Our battle... our struggle is to create art. Our weapon is the moving picture. Because we have the moving picture, our paintings will grow and recede. Our poetry will be shadows that lengthen and conceal. Our light will play across living faces that laugh and agonize. And our music will linger and finally overwhelm because it will have a context as certain as the grave. We are scientists engaged in the creation of memory. But our memory will neither blur nor fade." -F.W. Murnau {Shadow of the Vampire} "Frankly, Count, I find this composition unworkable. Could you return to your original mark, please?" -F.W. Murnau {Shadow of the Vampire} "Just as important as the photos I do take are the ones I don't. I cannot be objective about my own body of work because I've seen everything I've ever done. For every laudable image I produce, I can find several mediocre cliches from the same session. My idols - the truly great and acclaimed photographers - can probably say the same thing, but I have yet to forgive myself for my missteps." -Tarik Dozier "It was an ancient ritual passed down from the old country... somewhere near Milwaukee, I think." -Pete Wrigley {The Adventures of Pete & Pete} "NOBODY talks that way about my lucky underpants!" -Nona F. Mecklenberg {The Adventures of Pete & Pete} "Do you think if you breathe on me I might catch your enthusiasm?" -Daria Morgendorffer "I'm sick and tired of always trying to prove I can change the world before it changes me." -Poster Children, "Sick of It All" "I will stay inside my pigeon hole if you promise to leave me alone. As long as you think you have me pinned, you will never find out who I am." -Poster Children, "Sick of It All" "Why would we want to give the homeless anything we wouldn't want them giving us?" -Quinn Morgendorffer {Daria} "If you want to take some calm people and make them upset, I'd say we're the guys to do it." -Dan Rydell {Sports Night} "The alien mothership is in orbit here. If we can hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominos will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate!" -Zapp Brannigan {Futurama} "I'm just of the theory that every once in a while, everyone should get what they want when they want it. It keeps them optimistic." -Russell {Six Feet Under} "I'm going to punish you, Bart; and it won't just be a simple caning this time." -Principal Seymour Skinner {The Simpsons} Pete: "Y'know, Frank, there are twenty-two ways to kill a man." Frank: [wielding an ice cream scoop] "Twenty-three." -[little] Pete Wrigley & Frank {The Adventures of Pete & Pete} "Y'know, whenever you go to the airport it seems like you're runnin' late and you're scared the plane's gonna leave without you and you're like, 'nyahhhooh.' Here's a couple of tips I've learned: leave fifteen minutes earlier... OR seize control of the airport." -Jon Stewart {The Daily Show} "The trained mind does not need a watch. Watches are a confidence trick invented by the Swiss." -Chiun {Remo Williams} Remo: "You know, Chiun, there are times when I really like you..." Chiun: "Of course! I am Chiun!" Remo: "...and there are times when I could really kill you." Chiun: "Good. We will practice that after dinner." -{Remo Williams} Remo: "Chiun, you're amazing." Chiun: "No! I am better than that." -{Remo Williams} "I'll stay here, but I'm going to think about products I'd like to purchase." -Marge Simpson Daria: "I may have had a hand in her epiphany." Jane: "I hope you washed it thoroughly." -Daria Morgendorffer & Jane Lane "Sorry, Nitz; It's become obvious that I have to convince girls to spread mustard on me." -Rocco {Undergrads} "If you, as a chaperone, cannot act with at least a modicum of decorum, I'll rip out your heart and feed it to my dingo." -Ben Stein {Duckman} "When he turned back to me, the fuel in my ass-kicking tank was so low I had to hitch a ride back to 'barely giving a shit.'" -Laura Kightlinger, "Quick Shots of False Hope" "How dare they call our TV violent?! Our TV is beautiful! It gives us pro wrestling! It gives us Maury Povich and the phone number for the FLOWBEE! *sniff* Oh, how I love TV." -Cheese {Milk & Cheese} "The challenger, Saotome, uses the pig in defense. The pig seems to be angry, but that's only natural!" -ring announcer {Ranma 1/2} "Take you Kiss of Death like a man!" -Ryoga {Ranma 1/2} "If my 'peppy' doesn't work for you, I can always try my 'perky.'" -Jane Lane {Daria} "I wish I could do a commercial; I'd love to do that. I'd love to do a Tampax commercial. To look like I have PMS would be great!" -Amy Sedaris "Call them off, or I'll start hugging you. Try me." -Daria Morgendorffer "It's like looking into the sun. It's, like, really pretty, but if you do it too long, you get wrinkles." -Tiffany {Daria} "Look, do we have to call him 'the rat demon?' Because it's very hard to be appropriately frightened." -Phoebe Halliwell {Charmed} "Bart, I think you're a little too young to be drooling over seven-foot Chinese ladies." -Marge Simpson "The only thing here in the way of verse might be its complete lack of quality." -Daria Morgendorffer "Well FORGIVE ME if I didn't see the SIGN on the DOOR that says 'GIRLS EXORCISM ROOM!'" -Anthony DeMartino {Daria} "I never knew anyone that went crazy before... except for my invisible friend, Colonel Schvotz." -Chris Griffin {Family Guy} "Screw it; we've got bigger problems than a butter shortage! (I never thought I'd say that.)" -Capt. Hank Murphy {Sealab 2021} "Sir Deimos, your quest is to find Quinn's ass... and then beat it." -Capt. Hank Murphy {Sealab 2021} "The key is to hit really hard... with a bat." -Marco "Phobos" Rodrigo Diaz de Vivar Gabriel Garcia Marquez {Sealab 2021} "There's a reason there's a banana in my ear. I'm trying to lure the monkey out of my head." -Franklin Sherman {The Critic} "They all still want me. What can I say? I'm a chick magnet... a babe conductor... a logarithm... for the ladies." -Strong Bad "Wigfield is a deeply funny, refreshingly original book, but to be fair, it is the first book I've ever read." -Jon Stewart "Urine happens to be very edgy, but I suppose an unfunny person like you wouldn't know anything about that." -Peter Griffin {Family Guy} "No, he was just telling a clever joke that ends with a fellow falling onto a spike. Very amusing." -Angela Li {Daria} "I wish I could say that this is the first time this has happened to me... today." -Strong Sad "Computers may be twice as fast as they were in 1973, but your average voter is as drunk and stupid as ever. The only one who's changed is me. I've become bitter, and let's face it, CRAZY over the years; and once I'm swept into office, I'll sell our children's organs to zoos for meat, and I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place! MUHAHAHAHA!" -Richard Nixon's head {Futurama} "Is there anything sadder? Only drowning puppies, and there would have to be a lot of them." -Diane Simmons {Futurama} "I couldn't be a Democrat because I want to spend the money that I make; and I couldn't be a Republican because I want to spend the money that I make on drugs and whores." -Jim David "Fool me seven times, shame on you. Fool me eight or more times, shame on me." -Amy Wong {Futurama} "It's just as well. You go through all the trouble of plotting the revolution, quelling the masses, and brutally killing your enemies, and what does it get you?" -Tom Sloane {Daria} "Personally, I've always had a soft spot for Stalin. Any dictator who changes his name from Djugashvili to 'Man of Steel' has my vote... so to speak." -Tom Sloane {Daria} "All I want is a kind word, a warm bed, and unlimited power." -A. "Talking might not have been [Jeff Hardy's] strong suit, but the Hardy Boyz got over through their ring work, the lovely former Miss Congeniality known as Lita, and the fact they solved mysteries better than that skank, Nancy Drew." -Keith Lipinski "In that case, we should check out these bitchin' dominatrix sites! They kick ass. Really... actual ass." -Rocco {Undergrads} "'Free enema?' I didn't even know he was in prison, guy." -Cal {Undergrads} "He ain't workin' for The Man no more, so screw you... with some sexual harassment on top!" -Rocco {Undergrads} "Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what CAN you believe?!" -Bullwinkle J. Moose "Well, if you insist on being accurate about it...." -Jane Lane {Daria} "Anybody complaining about what they pay for information is totally clueless. Information does want to be free, but it also wants to be useless. You pay people to add order and utility to information." -/.AC "Life hurts less when you laugh at it." -A. "Well, that's one of the few things I don't know how to do." "Mmm hmmm... it's easy to see where I got my tendency toward modesty." -John Dozier, Jr. & Tarik John Dozier "That's a fact; you can stop your internal dialogue." -Bill Hicks "This summer find out what happens when we lock seven people in a room, blindfold them, undress them, spin them around until they're dizzy, coat their bodies in wet concrete, heat the room to over 350 degrees, play frightening music, flick the lights on and off really fast, spray them with flesh-eating bacteria, and remove their small intestines; then we'll dump a million dollars on them and let the cash-grabbing free-for-all begin!" -Comedy Central "Short-sightedness (n): The inability to see much further beyond one's own ass, which - in such a condition - is often where one's head can be found and is thus the location from which one's words and ideas originate." -Tarik Dozier "Fry, what was it I told you about ending your stories a sentence earlier?" -Leela {Futurama} "Nobody drove in New York; there was too much traffic." -Philip Fry {Futurama} "My god, Fry; just's because a guy's got a beard you automatically label him 'evil?'" -Bender Rodriguez {Futurama} "I may be against the fur industry, but that won't keep me from skinning you alive... as long as no one wears the skin." -Bob Barker {Futurama} "To prove they were serious, they began ranting in Spanish." -Wade Keller "And I miss you here. And I think of you there. And I remember this time. And I'm sorry about that time. And I still have a scar. And a bruise. And an ache. And a shiver. You are written all over me. And I can't come clean." -Rachel Claff, "What I Think of When I Think of August" {TMLMTBGB} Daria: "She's going to be disappointed." Tom: "Yep; that's not the type of thing you can teach." -Daria Morgendorffer & Tom Sloane "It was so much easier when I just had one outfit." -Jane Lane {Daria} "Raging, stubborn Box of Death! Yield, I say, YIELD!" -Anthony DeMartino {Daria} "You don't need an excuse to want to look at naked people.... It's not the sex that's gratuitous; it's all the stuff around the sex that's unnecessary. Naked people are their own reward." -Penn Jillette {Bullshit!} "I cried when I had no shoes. Then I saw a man who had no feet... and then I laughed REALLY hard." -Jerri Blank {Strangers With Candy} Moe: "Uh, you ever see the movie, Misery?" David: "Actually, no." Moe: "Then this'll all be new to ya." -Moe Szyslak & David Byrne {The Simpsons} "Ahh, computer dating. It's like pimping, but you rarely have to use the phrase, 'upside your head.'" -Bender Rodriguez {Futurama} "I still don't understand why you wouldn't let me graft a laser cannon onto your chest to crush those who would disobey you! But I guess we're just two different people." -Prof. Hubert Farnsworth {Futurama} "I'm coming to bed tonight in one of your tuxedo shirts, high heels, and nothing else. Tell me again women don't have special powers." -Natalie Hurley {Sports Night} "Attention shoppers: please stay calm. Do not provoke the bear." -{Trigger Happy TV} "My morals are beyond reproach, and I'll BRUTALLY kill ANYONE who says they're not!" -King Chicken {Duckman} "Boys, there comes a time when every man must pass on to his sons the knowledge he's accumulated over his lifetime. There is nothing... NOTHING... ointment won't cure. Well, that's it; you might want to write it down somewhere." -Eric Duckman "The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next." -Leo Wyatt {Charmed} "It's just that there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. It's not so much that I want to 'kill' her; I want her to not be alive... anymore." -Stewart Griffin {Family Guy} "It seems she has low self-esteem. We tell you over and over again that you're wonderful, and you just don't get it. What's WRONG with you?" -Helen Mordgendorffer {Daria} "Usually when I have this dream, I'm wearing pink taffeta." -Jane Lane {Daria} "I heard two claps of thunder this afternoon. I didn't see the lightning. Well, we hear - sometimes we see. Which doesn't mean the world is or we are. But something is." -William Bronk "Well, thanks to the Internet I'm now bored with sex. Is there a place on the Web that panders to my lust for violence?" -Philip Fry {Futurama} "So you're the ex-fiancee of the Hindu god of destruction. Well, there goes MY brain." -McDonald {3X3 Eyes} "You have no say in color choices. You picked pink carpet, buddy." -Doug Wilson {Trading Spaces} "Oh, you wussy; you wouldn't last two minutes with a jar of dried beef coming at you." -Crow T. Robot {MST3K} "At least I am friends with the Antichrist; that should come in handy." -Chrystena Loring "My dreams all involve combing my hair." -Armin Tamzarian {The Simpsons} "Goodbye, cruel world! Goodbye, cruel lamp. Goodbye, cruel velvet drapes, lined with what appears to be some sort of cruel muslin and cute little curtain pompom tails, cruel though they may be." -Prof. Hubert Farnsworth {Futurama} "What an idiot! Doesn't every demon know by now whose house this is?" -Piper Halliwell-Wyatt {Charmed} "Meanwhile, as 2000% of the daily recommended dose of riboflavin surged through his body, Pete wondered if he would even need it." -[Big] Pete Wrigley {Adventures of Pete & Pete} "The Dark Side beckons him." -[Little] Pete Wrigley {Adventures of Pete & Pete} "So the witch tore Hansel's arm off, popped it in her mouth, said, 'hey, pretty good,' and within minutes had devoured the rest of his body, leaving only the small intestines for fear of bacteria. Gretyl she decided she wanted to hold onto for a while, so she crammed her into the freezer as best she could." -Daria Morgendorffer "Has anything you've done made your life better?" -Dr. Bob Sweeny {American History X} "Hate is baggage. Life's too short to be pissed off all the time." -Danny Vinyard {American History X} "I'll tell you something: You've got to ignore the voices. They're never on your side." -Reese Wilkerson {Malcolm in the Middle} "You shouldn't think that just because I'm looking at you while you're talking to me, that I'm necessarily listening to or caring about what you're saying. It's just something I do to be polite." -Sam Donovan {Sports Night} "Finally there would be a thingamajig that would bring everyone together, even if it kept them apart spatially." -Amy Archer {The Hudsucker Proxy} "Only a numbskull thinks he knows things about things he knows nothing about." -Amy Archer {The Hudsucker Proxy} "Nothing says 'obey me' like a bloody head on a fencepost." -Stewart Griffin {Family Guy} "Look, when you fall off a horse, you have to get right back up and shoot it, right?" -Quinn Mordgendorffer {Daria} "He could've at least made the effort to slam the door. Young people have absolutely no committment today!" -Olivier Castro-Staal {Six Feet Under}