"It's a journalist's worst nightmare: a source who won't return her phone calls. (Okay, this journalist's worst nightmare features Tina Brown and a series of tiny papercuts, but anyway.)" -Emily Nussbaum "Besides, if I go home without my skin, my mom'll kill me." -Pete Wrigley {Adventures of Pete & Pete} "Plenty of girls and bands and slogans and lots of hoopla, but remember, NO politics. Issues confuse people." -Penguin {Batman} "The way we get into these scrapes and get out of them... it's almost as though someone was dreaming up these situations, guiding our destiny." -Robin {Batman} "You startled me. It's not every day an audience sneaks up on me in the middle of a cemetery just as I'm about to deliver a humorous monologue." -Buddy Cole (Scott Thompson) "We both believe respectability is for five-star hotels, not people... although you will find me in the Michelin Guide." -Buddy Cole (Scott Thompson) "Whoa, they have the Internet on computers now." -Homer Simpson "Gosh, that was fun. When people say things like, 'that's what I'm talkin' about,' I'll bet that's... the... ummm... type of thing to which they're referring." -Osiris Ani (Tarik Dozier), Q3A "Oh, you're just grumpy because I killed you all of those times." -Osiris Ani (Tarik Dozier), Q3A "He's tasting victory. I'll bet it tastes good... like saltwater taffy, or a Chunky." -Cleveland {Family Guy} "A few simple examples of innocent goofs and major malfunctions: Goof: Losing your keys. Major malfunction: Losing your left arm during a game of 'I Bet I Can Escape From the Polar Bear Cage Unscathed.' Goof: Stepping in dog doo. Major malfunction: Stepping into another dimension, in which He-Man really is Master of the Universe. Goof: Tripping on a sidewalk crack. Major malfunction: Tripping your face off and mistaking the cat for Nikita Kruschev, saying, 'Oh, yeah? I will bury YOU, motherfucker!' while cramming the cat down the garbage disposal unit." -Jim Glauner "Who would have thought that I'd be angry on behalf of my country? I'm used to being angry AT my country." -Janeane Garofalo "'Blackmail' is such an ugly word. I prefer 'extortion.' The 'ex' makes it sound cool." -Bender Rodriguez {Futurama} "Spock was the sex symbol. A lot of people think it was Kirk; but, no, it was really Spock." -Jolene Blalock (a.k.a. T'Pol) "Loretta likes to personify her menses in humorous ways." -Cleveland {Family Guy} "You're one twisted, little cruller, ain'tcha? That's why I'm proud to be your friend." -Jane Lane {Daria} "Douche-bags are hygienic products; I take that as a compliment. Thank you." -Keith Stat {Wet Hot American Summer} "When you're out there on the court shooting hoops, you want a shoe that's gonna give you an edge. You want a sneaker that makes piggy sounds every time you step down on the heel. And that's just what our shoes do: they make piggy sounds every time you step down on the heel. Piggy-Shoes: they make piggy sounds every time you step down on the heel. Isn't it about time your shoes made sounds like a piggy from the heel when you stepped down on 'em?" -Kerri Kenney {The State} "Everybody hug someone different than you. Old people, hug a young person. Straight people, hug someone you think might be gay. White people, hug a black person. Okay... there aren't a lot of black people, so we're going to have to share the black people." -Trotter {UCB} "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command." -A. "There's nothing wrong with being smart. There's nothing wrong with being cut from the herd, either; it makes you the one buffalo who isn't there when the Indians run the rest of them off the cliff." -Lois Wilkerson {Malcolm in the Middle} "You think THIS is horrible, try losing a testicle in a knife-fight with your mother!" -bartender {Family Guy} "I'd like to thank my opponents, without whom I couldn't have won." -Xania's Lost (Tarik Dozier), Q3A You just long for unhealed wounds. You're just biting everything which comes too close, like all my touches." -KUKL, "Vials of Wrath" "Not only is Microsoft guilty of irresponsible programming, MS was the cause of: the failure of the .coms; the slowing down of our economy; the Israeli-Palestinian conflict; World War II; the rise of the Soviet Union; the various crusades that took place throughout the centuries; and all the famines and pestilences that have ever taken place on earth. If MS manages to create the most secure software around eventually, you can rest assured that diligent folks will find something else to pin the blame on MS about. The depletion of the ozone layer? The splitting up of Sonny and Cher? The possibilities are endless." -P. Douglas Dante Hicks: "This isn't a TV show." Randal Graves: "Now who's being naive?" -{Clerks} "The debate rages on. But not here." -IMDb.com "No, no, no, don't tug on that. You never know what it might be attached to." -Buckaroo Banzai "I heard Microsoft has a secret time machine it uses to induce the woes suffered by humanity throughout the centuries." -P. Douglas "Let's not mistake our categorization here; design flaws are not necessarily bugs. The recent major security issue associated with Microsoft's Passport system was clearly a problem based directly upon the software functioning EXACTLY as it was designed. That's the scary part. Simply put, that's just incompetence spanning more levels than I even want to fathom right now." -Tarik Dozier Cmdr. Lock: "Not everyone believes what you believe." Morpheus: "My beliefs do not require them to." -{The Matrix Reloaded} "When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, looks you crooked in the eye and asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol' Jack Burton always says at a time like that: 'Have ya paid your dues, Jack?' 'Yessir, the check is in the mail.'" -Jack Burton {Big Trouble In Little China} Jake: "What's that funny smell?" Trent: "I wasn't so funny when it happened, but it's a great story." -Jake Morgendorffer & Trent Lane {Daria} "Apparently the difference between a stink bomb and a Level 3 toxic biohazard is two extra drops of sulfur tetraoxide. I am totally suing that Web site." -Malcolm Wilkerson {Malcolm in the Middle} "So between Rob Van Dam and Trish Stratus, we have two people on one show [WWE Raw] who realized that you can simply DUCK when you're about to get hit. How this will revolutionize the sport, we'll have to wait and see." -Robert Igoe "Did anyone hear about the experiment conducted overseas recently? The one where they locked a bunch of monkeys in a room with typewriters, hoping they'd write a sonnet? Turns out they've been writing WWE Smackdown." -Corey Baird Paige: "But isn't that retro? 'Everything old is new?'" Genevieve: "Not everything is worth being brought back." -Paige Davis & Genevieve Gorder {Trading Spaces} "Who's the boss?" -Phoebe Halliwell (Alyssa Milano) {Charmed} "Look, I'm not your friend, monkey dude. In fact, I'm not even gonna call you ****** again. I'ma call you 'Josh.'" -Strong Bad "We humans are little more than our preexisting genetically-endowed mental capacity plus the learned behaviors governed by our collected experience. Frankly, I resent that to no end. I've had some truly awful experiences." -Tarik Dozier "You like pain? Try wearing a corset." -Elizabeth Swann {Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl} "For three years now I've owned show turtles and I've never once put them in a show. I am such a freakin' hypocrite." -Dale Gribble {King of the Hill} "Logic is the cement of our civilization, with which we ascend from chaos, using reason as our guide." -T'Plana'hath (Vulcan) "Cartoon violence! Cartoon violence!" -Bart Simpson & Milhouse Van Houten "I think he made you pee in that jar just because he could." -Dewey Wilkerson {Malcolm in the Middle} "I may have just been zoning out here, but did she just say that MILK comes out of those things?!" -Reese Wilkerson {Malcolm in the Middle} "Okay, I'm going to show you guys the coolest thing you have even seen. Get me some lighter fluid, a waffle iron, and one of Dewey's stuffed animals, the furrier the better." -Francis Wilkerson {Malcolm in the Middle} "Everybody down! He's becoming DISGRUNTLED!" -PHB {Dilbert} "I've come to taunt you one last time for dramatic effect." -{Undergrads} "Don't worry. It's kinda cool... in a loser, dorky, nerdy, 'I'm never gonna have sex' sort of way." -Jessie {Undergrads} "In his speech in the first episode of Enterprise, Zefram Cochrane says, 'to go boldly where no man has gone before,' thereby robbing tiresome pedants everywhere of the chance to pointlessly pontificate about split infinitives." -IMDb.com "If she hurt him, I'll have to revive her and kill her again." -Piper Halliwell-Wyatt {Charmed} "Everything I do, I do with reckless abandon." -Jolene Blalock "Pootie Tang will draw you a picture of how he's gonna kick your ass, then mail it to you ten days in advance. The picture gets there, right? You're goin', 'What the hell is this?' and then Pootie Tang knocks on your door, promptly kicks your ass, and you still won't know what happened to you!" -J.B. {Pootie Tang} "Hey... wait a minute... I know you. You're 'The Man!' What are you, here to smash somebody's spirit?!" -Janeane Garofalo {The Ben Stiller Show} "I want to introduce you to my friends, the dogs. Their favorite food is faces." -Adam West {Johnny Bravo} "You're a monkey. Ooh, you're an angry monkey. Oh, you're pissed. You're... PMS monkey?" -Phoebe Halliwell {Charmed} "Oh... PAIGE IS PROPOSING VIOLENCE AGAINST THE MONKEY." -Phoebe Halliwell {Charmed} "Computer graphics have improved to the extent that they now rival Bugs Bunny cartoons in their depiction of violent action and sexual activity." -Robert P. Libbon "Yeah, life is hilariously cruel." -Bender Rodriguez {Futurama} "You have helped me reach the next level. And here I was starting to think you were just a sadistic psycho-bitch." -The Chosen One {Kung Pow: Enter the Fist} "I didn't know you were funny." -Cole Sear {The Sixth Sense} "Cheer up; all the best people have bad chest and bone diseases. It's all frightfully romantic." -Juliet Hulme {Heavenly Creatures} "Obsessiveness is good; you cannot accomplish anything fantastic if you do not fully drown yourself in specifics." -Robert Tritthardt "Oh, I see; a bunch of stuff gets bent, so it must be the robot designed for bending." -Bender Bending Rodriguez {Futurama} "Your blood is sweet! You are strong; you will make an excellent mate." -Seven of Nine {ST:Voyager} "Surprise; you aren't invincible. I suppose we'll have to cover that in our next social lesson." -The Doctor {ST:Voyager} "Look, I have to go identify our dead father's body. I'm sorry you're having a bad drug experience, but deal with it." -Nate Fisher {Six Feet Under} "You know what is good about these Dixie Chicks burnings or bashings? It's a wonderful, wonderful way for really stupid people to hook up. They meet, they throw some things on the fire, they talk about Vin Diesel, they tell stories about who their favorite Fox anchor is, they exchange phone numbers, and in some cases it has led to marriages." -Janeane Garofalo "I know stealing a foot is weird... but living in a house where a foot is available is too." -Claire Fisher {Six Feet Under} Stormy: "Hey Quinns, check it out! We built a time machine! Stormy Two is gonna go back in time, and, uh, fix it all... up, there. Fix it." Quinn: "You don't have the brain capacity to build a time machine." Stormy: "You're right. So I guess it's not so much a time machine... as it is a dodgeball cannon! Say hello to my little friend!" -Derek "Stormy" Waters & Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn {Sealab 2021} "Now look here... JoLENE, I have an army to raise and I must get to Managua at once! I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. BUT NO PICKLES! OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES!" -Stewart Griffin {Family Guy} "But I'm using my WHOLE ass." -Homer Simpson "Hmmm, yes, a tiny net is a death sentence. It's a net, and it's tiny!" -Master Betty {Kung Pow: Enter the Fist} "Killing is wrong.... and bad. There should be a new, stronger word for 'killing.' Like... 'badwrong,' or 'badong.' Yes, killing is badong. From this moment, I will stand for the opposite of killing: gnodab." -The Chosen One {Kung Pow: Enter the Fist} "I'm sure on some planet your style is quite impressive, but your weak link is... this is Earth." -The Chosen One {Kung Pow: Enter the Fist} "I think maybe I should mention before you make any faux pas here, that we have a tradition in this family, that we don't kill other people." -Patrick Wheeler {Last Night} "I'm so happy, because I'm on America's number one torture show." -Vern Yip {Trading Spaces} "I am the Doctor of Death, and I have come to cure you of your life." -"Endless" Mike Holstrom {The Adventures of Pete & Pete} "When you hate, the only one that suffers is you. Most of the people you hate don't know it, and the rest don't care." -Medgar Evers "That is love to him. 'I love you; I built you a beautiful cage.'" -Herman Mankewicz {RKO 281} "I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave." -Jareth {Labyrinth} "On a similar note I must confess to you, I'm giving very serious thought to eating your wife." -Hannibal Lecter {Hannibal} "Hey guys, I just wanted you to know that the reactors won't take it; the ship is breaking apart and all that... Just FYI!" -Fred Kwan {Galaxy Quest} "C'mon, Pete, we gotta kill Bob while he's still alive!" -Don Wrigley {The Adventures of Pete & Pete} "I do not suffer fools gladly; but if it's any consolation, I will gladly make fools suffer." -Tarik Dozier "See, normally I would be offended, but since you used the words, 'ass crap,' I am convinced that this comment has come from somebody who doesn't have the intellectual capacity to be making harsh comments about ANYTHING." -aithanarid "Of all the kinds of crap there are, I guess ass crap is about the best there is. Or maybe he's comparing asses to mules to donkeys to camels, etc. In that case, it's a toss-up. Ewwww, tossing up crap to see which one is better! There HAS to be a better way to measure the attractiveness of crap!" -Yaroslav the Wise Sam: "He said something about having sex with my skull." Maggie: "Ah, he says that to everyone; don't worry about it." -{Addicted to Love} "Well, that is, without a doubt, the most pathetic thing I've ever heard; and I don't mean that in a trivial way. I'm a photographer; I've seen a lot of things. I once took pictures of a man who ate his own legs, and you would be the black sheep of that family." -Maggie {Addicted to Love} "Well, some men can be very sensitive about their weapons." -Piper Halliwell {Charmed} "Oh, cut the bleeding heart crap, will ya? We've all got our switches, lights, and knobs to deal with, Striker. I mean, down here there are literally hundreds and thousands of blinking, beeping, and flashing lights, blinking and beeping and flashing. They're FLASHING and they're BEEPING. I can't stand it anymore! They're BLINKING and BEEPING and FLASHING! Why doesn't somebody pull the plug!" -Buck Murdock {Airplane II} "Be grateful. Our scars have the power to remind us that the past was real." -Hannibal Lecter {Red Dragon} "You will not persuade me with appeals to my intellectual vanity." -Hannibal Lecter {Red Dragon} "The dumb suffer in unspectacular fashion. We want to offer the audience something; we're not up to feature film length yet. You want a real ending with plausible plot development." -Paul {Funny Games} "On the other side of the screen, it all looks so easy." -Kevin Flynn {Tron} "Won't that be grand? Computers and the programs will start thinking and the people will stop." -Dr. Walter Gibbs {Tron} "Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do." -Bruce Lee "The key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering." -Brandon Lee "We've known each other a long time. You have never known me to impose myself on anyone, or take a stance based on trivial or whimsical perceptions. Now, I've told you what you must do; you have only your trust in me to help you decide to do it." -Guinan {ST:TNG, "Yesterday's Enterprise"} "Are you guys done staring at my 'character development?'" -Stripperalla "I hired you because you are an actress! I will only direct you if, a) you attempt to take more than your share of the pie, or b) if you don't take enough, or c) if you are having trouble motivating the necessary timed movement." -Alfred Hitchcock "I'd never call you 'The Man,' man. 'Man,' maybe, but not 'THE Man.'" -Coyote {Daria} "Whoever wrote this episode should DIE!" -Gwen DeMarco {Galaxy Quest} "Many of the most irritating people out there are those who simply seem to have overestimated their own entertainment value. Most of the remaining irritants have - along similar lines - drastically underestimated theirs." -Tarik Dozier "I still want to be your girlfriend, but for those four days a month when I'm a woman, I don't want to be anywhere near you." -Kahn "Connie" Souphanousinphone, Jr. {King of the Hill} "You can't reason with brains." -Quinn Morgendorffer {Daria} "There's a lesson here for all of us: It's better to watch stuff than to do stuff." -Homer Simpson "If you are reading this then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don't you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can't think of a better way to spend these moments, or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all who claim it? Do you read everything you're supposed to read? Do you think everything you're supposed to think? Buy what you're told you should want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job. Start a fight. Prove you're alive. If you don't claim your humanity you will become a statistic. You have been warned." -Tyler Durden {Fight Club DVD} "Don't tell me how to act; it sickens me!" -William Shatner "Well, red usually means 'caution,' or 'beef' if it's a bouillon cube." -Alsatia Zevo {Toys} "I'm not even supposed to be here. I'm just 'Crewman Number Six.' I'm expendable! I'm the guy in the episode who dies to prove how serious the situation is! I've gotta get outta here!" -Guy Fleegman {Galaxy Quest} "Let's get out of here before one of those things kills Guy!" -Gwen DeMarco {Galaxy Quest} "I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half-empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth." -Janeane Garofalo "We are number one! All others are number two, or lower." -The Sphinx {Mystery Men} "See... now, this is why mad scientists are generally less desirable than your common, garden variety scientist." -The Bowler {Mystery Men} "Let us be thankful we have commerce. Buy more. Buy more now. Buy. And be happy." -OMM {THX-1138} "Evil villains! Stand down from the funk!" -Space Ghost