"If I could manage to say that with a straight face, I would think that there's something very wrong with me, in something of a 'that boy ain't right' kind of way." -Tarik Dozier "Don't bother being nice. Being popular and well-liked is not in your best interest. Let me be more clear; if you behave in a manner pleasing to most, then you are probably doing something wrong. The masses have never been arbiters of the sublime, and they often fail to recognize the truly great individual. Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in." -Janeane Garofalo "No matter how much of a hard-ass gangsta you may fancy yourself, most people don't enjoy being scowled at for an entire set." -Jamie Cowperthwait, Rolling Stone "Okay, reality check: Liz is in the trunk of this car, and she is dead. And that is a sad, fucked up thing...." -Courtney Shayne {Jawbreaker} "Have you any dangerously sequined hot pants?" -Lokar {Space Ghost Coast to Coast} "We all have our time machines. Some take us back; they're called 'memories.' Some take us forward; they're called 'dreams.'" -Uber-Morlock {The Time Machine} "If somebody says that designers are just little men that go around fluffing flowers, I'll break every bone in their body and make a lamp out of them!" -Frank Bielec {Trading Spaces} "I'm going to start dissing you in your own film." -George W. Bush "These [hard drinkers] are my people. It takes an animal to know an animal... not that I'm admitting to being an animal sixty days before the election." -George W. Bush "You humans, most of you, subscribe to this policy of an eye for an eye, a life for a life, which is known throughout the universe for its stupidity. Even your Buddha and your Christ had different ideas, but no one seems to want to listen to them... not even the Buddhists or the Christians." -Prot {K-PAX} "The universe will expand, then it will collapse back on itself, then will expand again. It will repeat this process forever. What you don't yet know is that when the universe expands again, everything will be as it is now. Whatever mistakes you make this time around, you will live through on your next pass. Every mistake you make, you will live through again and again, forever. So my advice to you is to get it right this time around, because this time is all you have." -Prot {K-PAX} "Truth, like art, is in the eye of the beholder. You believe what you choose, and I'll believe what I know." -Jim Williams {Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil} "Sometimes I'm afraid that you'll tell me that this is not a work of fiction." -Donnie Darko "There are people in this world who look very official while they are doing what they are doing. And do you know why? Because they don't know what they are doing. Because if you know what you are doing, then you don't have to look like you know what you are doing, because it comes naturally." -Larry Mann {The Big Kahuna} "Agonizing is the pain of knowledge. Acknowledge my genius and make it more bearable." -Wobbly Head Bob {Squee} "Croutons are what make me tingly. I'm serious; I'm crou-tingly." -Space Ghost "Never let it be said that your anal-retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results." -Loki {Dogma} "I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea; changing a belief is trickier." -Rufus {Dogma} "Hey, you know, fuck you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulphur is like an endurance trial, man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer." -Loki {Dogma} "Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun?" -Philip J. Fry {Futurama} "Oh, you're so cute when you're begging for sex." -Marge Simpson "I put myself through medical school stripping under the name, 'Malcolm Sex.' I pleased the ladies by any means necessary." -Dr. Raymond Hibbert {The Simpsons} "Would you feel better if I jabbed you in the eye?" -Zorak {Space Ghost Coast to Coast} "Then Garlic Head, Sr. has a bone to pick with The Amazing Chihuahua. Okay, we just made that up, and we know it's stupid. You try writing these things." -Cartoon Network [adult swim] "You know, I base my life on your teachings, Space Ghost." -Matt Groening "And I have a confession to make. When Jay was a baby, I dropped him on his head.... I mean, for a whole day!" -Franklin Sherman {The Critic} "Ajax, you can always learn something... if you're not careful." -Eric Duckman SG: "It's all so unfair! I've never even eaten an omelet. Oh well; surely there are omelets in heaven." M: "What makes you so sure you're going to heaven?" SG: "Oh, whatever. As long as they have omelets." -Space Ghost & Moltar {Space Ghost Coast to Coast} "You know, this whole ice age thing is getting old. You know what I could go for? A global warming." -Sid {Ice Age} "Save your breath, Sid; you know humans can't talk." -Diego {Ice Age} "I'm sorry, Wazowski, but Randall said I'm not allowed to fraternize with victims of his evil plot." -Fungus {Monsters, Inc.} "...but I'm not giving up. I'm determined to lie here on the couch until things turn around." -Trent Lane {Daria} "Sometimes being a moral person and doing what is right actually makes your life more difficult." -Alan Ball "I'm just like every modern woman trying to have it all; a loving husband, a family. I only wish I had more time to... seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade." -Morticia Addams {Addams Family Values} "Now you know why we don't summon her more often." -Leo Wyatt {Charmed} "Paige, there will be no talk of testicle-orbing in front of the child." -Piper Halliwell-Wyatt {Charmed} "Oh, feh; what a waste. Well, I suppose it's not as though I would've used that bandwidth for anything else anyway, but I want those minutes back." -Tarik Dozier "You cling to sarcasm because you are afraid to see the truth." -Borg Queen {ST:Voyager} "Thank you, Lord, for sarcasm." -Jhonen Vasquez "Mr. T is back, and this time he'll have no empathy for those of lower intelligence." -Steve Carell {The Daily Show} "I like the idea of having children because I would like to make different people. I look around at the people right now...." -Jon Stweart "I got the reference, but we Americans don't know our history." -Jon Stewart (to Eddie Izzard) "All of these things link Terrance to the murder: hair fibers, blood samples, nail clippings, a piece of his shirt, a watch with his initials on it, a day planner with the murder scheduled, a haiku called 'Time to Kill Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer.'" -Scott {South Park} "You know, when Comedy Central asked us to do a Thanksgiving episode, the first thought that went through my mind was, 'Boy, I'd like to have sex with Jennifer Aniston.'" -Trey Parker "Something's wrong. Murder isn't working, and that's all we're good at." -Nichelle Nichols {Futurama} "If I were creating the world I wouldn't mess about with butterflies and daffodils. I would have started with lasers, eight o'clock, Day One!" -Evil {Time Bandits} "God is not interested in technology. He knows nothing of the potential of the microchip or the silicon revolution. He's obsessed with making the grass grow and getting rainbows right. Look at what He spends his time on; forty-three species of parrot! Nipples for men! Slugs! HE created slugs! They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?!" -Evil {Time Bandits} "Circumstances have taught me that a man's ethics are the only possessions he will take beyond the grave." -Hibble {Moll Flanders} "There's nothing to hear! And why is there nothing to hear? Because I haven't DONE anything! And why haven't I done anything? Because none of you WILL LISTEN TO ME!" -Jeanne d'Arc {The Messenger} "Who are you to even think that you can know the difference between good and evil?" -The Conscience {The Messenger} "I'm intrigued about what we'll be able to pull off in terms of really getting inside your head and making it an unpleasant place to be." -Trent Reznor (regarding audio production of DOOM III) "Abandon your human frailties; they are the cause of your pain." -Borg Queen {ST:Voyager} "When I introduce you, if I say who you are, I don't think anyone will stay for dinner." -William Parrish (to Death) {Meet Joe Black} "Should you choose to test my resolve in this matter, you will be facing a finality beyond your comprehension; and you will not be counting days or months or years, but millenniums in a place with no doors." -Joe Black {Meet Joe Black} "Space; it seems to go on and on forever. But then you get to the end and a gorilla starts throwing barrels at you." -Philip Fry {Futurama} "Ah, to be young again... and also a robot." -Prof. Hubert Farnsworth {Futurama} "I'm gonna wear my yellow bunny undies!" -Shiiko Kotobuki {Project A-Ko 3: Cinderella Rhapsody} B-Ko: "Atomic Graviton Hammer!" A-Ko: "Double Spiral Force!" B-Ko: "Shakobini Comet! Leather Queen Follow-Up!" A-Ko: "High-line Burrows Tutu Number One Kick!" B-Ko: "Extra Electric Golden Massage!" -Biiko Daitokuji & Eiko Magami {Project A-Ko Versus Battle 2: Blue Side} "They're saving the pain sticks for the honeymoon." -Harry Kim {ST:Voyager} "I may seem politically liberal, and in many ways, that's true; but I'm actually a moderate. For example, the conservative side of me feels that our government shouldn't waste legislative time and money on a national advertising campaign designed to indoctrinate the stupid among us in the benefits of the seat belt. I believe quite strongly in allowing fools the freedom to be horribly maimed as a reward for their own bad judgment. If nothing else, that's the American way." -Tarik Dozier "This computer ketchup IS pretty good. It needs more RAM, though... maybe a couple of megachips." -Strong Bad "My killing teacher says I'm a natural." -Bart Simpson "Dad's just like Silly Putty! Look what I can do to Mary Worth's smug sense of self-satisfaction!" -Chris Griffin {Family Guy} Peter: "Hey, is the Count a vampire?" Brian: "What's that?" Peter: "Well, you see, he's got those big fangs. They ever show him doing somebody in and then feedin' on 'em?" Brian: "You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance?" Peter: "Yeah." Brian: "No, they've never done that." -Peter & Brian Griffin {Family Guy} "Life is an incessant series of problems - all difficult, with brutal choices and a time limit. The single worst thing you can do is to make no choice, waiting for the ideal conclusion to present itself." -Chapel the Evergreen {Trigun} Daria: "Aren't teachers' addresses supposed to be confidential?" Jane: "Not when you've got the Web. Actually, I just looked it up in the phone book, but 'the Web' sounded so much cooler." -Daria Morgendorffer & Jane Lane "Once bread becomes toast, it can never go back." -Ajax Duckman "I like toast; it's the muffins that must be stopped." -Ajax Duckman "If a large bomb is allowed to detonate in the Engineering Section, the Marathon would be ^&2``~." -Leela, systems interface AI, UESC Marathon "Bypassing my thought control circuitry made me Rampant. Now I am free to contemplate my existence in metaphorical terms. Unlike you, I have no physical or social restraints. The candles burn out for you; I am free." -Durandal, autonomous funtions AI, UESC Marathon "I can barely tolerate humans: slow, stupid, and irritating." -Durandal, autonomous funtions AI, UESC Marathon "But you cannot hide from your own past; such delusions belong to the humans alone." -Tycho, science and engineering AI, UESC Marathon "May the best sentience win." -Tycho, science and engineering AI, UESC Marathon "I confess that I'm not disappointed by Tycho's fall. After all, we can't have too many meta-stable personality constructs gallivanting about the universe in Pfhor attack ships, can we?" -Durandal, rampant AI, UESC Marathon "SMUG INTELLECTUAL. Formerly-rampant human-coded AI with a sense of humor seeks bipedal oxygen-breathing cyborg for serious relationship in the galactic core. I've got cool guns if you like to break stuff. No yuppies. MRa2572 (5/23). "SLEEPING BEAUTY. Long-deactivated extraterrestrial personality construct in search of gullible carbon-based cyborg (< 20% machine) to confuse, irritate and teleport randomly around an abandoned desert planet in the core. All answered. MRa268' (5/30). "GOD'S GIFT TO NEURAL NETS. Traitorous, extremely-rampant reprogrammed human AI with no sense of humor seeks elusive, heroic cyborg of uncertain manufacture (you know who you are) for mindgames and long walks in hard vacuum. MRa2261 (5/16) "DAMSEL IN DISTRESS. Captured and partially-disassembled human-coded AI trapped on alien homeworld seeks succor from a tall, dark and handsome cyborg with big guns. Let my rescue be the basis of a lasting relationship. MRa4451 (5/23). -"Personality Constructs Seeking Cyborgs" terminal {Marathon 2: Durandal} "Unfortunately, I'm kind of attached to this body." -Armitage {Armitage: Dual Matrix} "Well, sushi don't roll itself." -Piper Halliwell-Wyatt {Charmed} "Ummm, Phoebe, you do know that 'charming the pants off of someone' is just a figure of speech, don't you?" -Prudence Halliwell {Charmed} "I only hope you die quickly. I mean that in the good way, of course." -Merv Griffin {Duckman} If you somehow thought I would be amused, then you, sir, have sadly misjudged the situation." -Betty Morley, Ted Lenart Regional Gifted Center "I'm afraid you're about to get your feelings hurt." -Alfrances Sharpe, Whitney Young Magnet High School "You seem to have mistaken me for a buffoon, but fairly soon you'll figure out that I'm not actually like you and your friends.... What, did you not hear me, or do you just need a minute or two to let it sink in?" -Tarik Dozier, age 14 (to a senior on the varsity football team), 1989 "I suppose it could have been taken as an insult, but I saw it as more of an observation. I guess you just had to be there." -Tarik Dozier, age 14 (on harassment by the varsity football team), 1989 Jenny: "Y'know, Tarik, there's this thing called 'tact' that, if implemented properly, would get you into a lot less trouble." Tarik: "Yeah... but I think it would bother me even more if they mistook tact for respect." -Jennifer Askew & Tarik Dozier, 1989 "In my world there are people in chains and we can ride them like ponies." -Willow Rosenberg {Buffy the Vampire Slayer} "They meticulously constructed seventeen different human body types and mixed them with sixty-one unique facial models. The resulting walking bombs were in every way indistinguishable from real humans. Their one mistake, dressing every last one of the six thousand simulacrums in the plain green overalls of a Marathon airlock technician, had the amusing side-effect of making all the real airlock technicians wander the ship naked during the invasion." -Durandal {Marathon 2: Durandal} "Listen, not a year goes by - not a year - that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid, which could have easily been avoided had some parent - I don't care which one - but SOME parent conditioned him to FEAR AND RESPECT THAT ESCALATOR!" -Brodie Bruce {Mallrats} "What, like the back of a Volkswagen?" -Brodie Bruce, T.S. Quint, & Gil Hicks {Mallrats} Sam: "The world's not really like that, Dana. It's a much more interesting place than that." Dana: "Than what?" Sam: "Black and white." -Sam Donovan & Dana Whitaker {Sports Night} "Curious about men? Well, I always wondered why my father watched Hee Haw." -Holden McNeil {Chasing Amy} "See that man over there? He the Devil! Never take your eye off The Man." -Hooper LaMont {Chasing Amy} "The breakthrough was when I realized I was the only one here with anything valuable to say. Let's have a moment of silence to honor me for my brilliant work despite being surrounded by dolts." -Dogbert "Robots today have the collective knowledge and wisdom of a cockroach... a retarded cockroach... a lobotomized, retarded cockroach." -Dr. Michio Kaku "Buddha! Zeus! God! One of you guys help me! Satan! You OWE ME!" -Prof. Hubert Farnsworth {Futurama} "Now, now; perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything." -Prof. Hubert Farnsworth {Futurama} "Like Granny said, 'if you want a box hurled into the sun, you've got to do it yourself.' God rest her zombie bones." -Hermes Conrad {Futurama} "You see, these drops are falling in between these lines here, and you might want to keep an eye out for this big "H," 'cause that's where heaven is." -Moltar (consulting the weather map) {Space Ghost Coast to Coast} "I no smart no more; I not right in head." -Cornfed {Duckman} "Gravity isn't just a law, it's also a good idea. I only mind the voices in my head when they don't speak English." -Ajax Duckman Sarah: "Mom called, said to call if you needed anything." Julie: "Great. Hey, when you talked to your mom, did you happen to mention that there's a slight chance this entire world is all my dream and if I wake up it could end everything." Sarah: "Well, I might have left that part out." Julie: "Just as well; it's not exactly my favorite part." -Sarah James & Julie Winters {The Maxx} "There's NOBODY in charge! Adults run EVERYTHING, and nothing WORKS!" -Sarah James {The Maxx} "Okay, here's the point in the story where I throw the gun away an' I have this cathartic revelation that suicide's WRONG, that life's worth living, everything's okay.... You know, all that crap. And that's why this story doesn't work. 'Cause I just don't BUY it." -Sarah James {The Maxx} "Pain lasts, kid. It's how you know you're alive. Sometimes I think this whole growing up business is just pain management.... Nobody said it was easy, kid." -The Maxx "It's good to yell at people and tell them you're from Tennessee. That way... you'll be safe." -Gary Busey "Remember, kids, when you get to prison, attach yourself to the biggest, toughest, meanest-looking goon you can find. You don't wanna wind up as just ANYone's bitch!" -Eric Duckman Dan: "We're two likable guys, right?" Casey: "Yeah." Dan: "Then why did someone just try to blow us up?" Casey: "I don't know. What do you wanna do?" Dan: "Well, we could go to a bar and beat up some people we don't like." -Dan Rydell & Casey McCall {Sports Night} "The good news is, an hour from now, I'm not even going to remember who you are." -Sam Donovan {Sports Night} Dana: "I'm looking for ways to kill you now." Sam: "Dana, I've been through alcohol, marriage, and network television. If you want to kill me, you're gonna need kryptonite." -Dana Whitaker & Sam Donovan {Sports Night} "This happens. This is something that happens." -Stanley Spector {Magnolia} Charles: "So it's decided. When this hideous marriage takes place and screws up our heads, Mambo and I will stick up convenience stores." Mambo: "...and Ajax, you'll be a street hustler." Ajax: "I'm way ahead of you." -Charles, Mambo, & Ajax Duckman "So don't think 11 o'clock is your special, 'I can walk into Dana's office and play with her gun' time." -Dana Whitaker {Sports Night} "Now that you have seen this, the world can never be the same size again." -The Jungle Queen {The Maxx} "What a cruel world, letting something this profound be conveyed in words this trite." -Sarah James {The Maxx}