"Your view of the world is so very small, so limited. I shouldn't have to
tell you that it's really very disappointing that you won't try to think
beyond terms with which you're familiar, but perhaps it will help somehow."
-Tarik Dozier

"All things are possible, my dear, it's just a matter of your being able 
to do them."
-Penelope Halliwell {Charmed}

"I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something
about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is
purely destructive. We've created life in our own image."
-Stephen Hawking

"There is no conspiracy. Nobody is in charge. It's a headless blunder 
operating under the illusion of a master plan."
-Worth {Cube}

"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
-Albert Einstein

"Personal note: When I was little my mother told me not to stare into the 
sun, so when I was six I did."
-Maximillian Cohen {Pi}

"I'm feelin' pretty darn sexy in this piece of felt."
-Trish Stratus

"He's whippin' angels now."
-Bender Rodriguez {Futurama}

Fry:   "You know the worst thing about being a slave? They make you work 
       but they don't pay you or let you go."
Leela: "That's the ONLY thing about being a slave."
-Philip Fry & Turanga Leela {Futurama}

"I knew it! Insane theories: one; regular theories: a billion."
-Philip Fry {Futurama}

"Hold still.  We're trying to set your head on fire.  With our minds."
-Cartoon Network [adult swim]

"You know the hardest thing about being smart? I always pretty much know
what's gonna happen next; there's no suspense.
-Terry Lee Collins {Bandits}

"Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable
errors, which, by definition, are limited."
-Ben Lachman

B'Elanna: "'Stardate 52648, 0300 hours: Intimate relations resume...' How 
          the HELL do you know when we're having intimate relations?"
Seven:    "There is no one on deck 9, section 12 that doesn't know when 
          you're having intimate relations."
-B'Elanna Torres & Seven of Nine {ST:Voyager}

"Then study this: Borg provokes Klingon. Klingon breaks Borg's nose. Call
sickbay; tell them there's about to be a medical emergency."
-B'Elanna Torres {ST:Voyager}

"I have learned that humans have a very odd system of mating. They engage
in physical abuse, including throwing objects at each other. They then
seem to 'make up' with a gift, followed by a session of intimate relations
that can last well into the night. I also learned that when they realize
that someone else knows about their relations, they can become aggressive
and boisterous. I do not believe that I wish to engage in any of these
human mating rituals. Quite frankly, I see no point in subjecting oneself
to such... curious behavior."
-Seven of Nine {ST:Voyager}

"He has defeated us numerous times, what makes him think he can do it 
again? HA!"
-Tom Servo {MST3K}

"Her coffee table was purchased with the souls of young girls. About eight, 
I think."
-Tom Servo {MST3K}

"This is an example of a time when parents should have crushed their child's
dream of becoming a filmmaker."
-Crow T. Robot {MST3K}

"Securing an environment of Windows platforms from abuse - external or
internal - is akin to trying to install sprinklers in a fireworks factory
where smoking on the job is permitted."
-Gene Spafford

"Love is a wish that hides in your heart, and no one knows about it but you."
-Terry Lee Collins {Bandits}

"I'm not afraid of death. I walk up to death, tug it on the ears, and make
funny faces at it."
-Terry Lee Collins {Bandits}

"Wisdom consists in being able to distinguish among dangers and make a          
choice of the least harmful."
-Niccolo Machiavelli, "The Prince"

"Why did you vanquish watermelon?"
-Phoebe Halliwell {Charmed}

"The meat's fine, the lettuce is fine, but if you bring me another hamburger
with mayonnaise on it, I'll cut off your legs, set fire to your house, and
then watch you try to crawl out of your burning house with bloody stumps."
-Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski {The Whole Nine Yards}

"Bork, you're a federal agent! You represent the United States government! 
Never end a sentence with a preposition!"
-Agent Fleming {Beavis and Butt-head Do America}

"There is no such thing as right and wrong; there's just popular opinion."
-Jeffrey Goines {Twelve Monkeys}

"You know what crazy is? Crazy is 'majority rules.'"
-Jeffrey Goines {Twelve Monkeys}

"Not only are rodeo clowns inconsiderate, but they are diseased freaks who
will cut your throat for your invisible dog."
-Peggy Hill {King of the Hill}

"Did you say you were going to see the professor? Because I could use a 
heart; a human heart. I need to pump a lot of blood out of my basement."
-Bender as the Tin Man {Futurama}

"Thirty Helens agree: a Helen is a Helen. There's no reason to pick your 
favorite Helen."
-Thirty Helens {The Kids in the Hall}

"We are a covert anti-terrorist team that is so secret, when we snap our 
fingers, NOTHING HAPPENS!"
-Sean Archer {Face/Off}

"You know what the problem with Hollywood is? They make shit. Unbelievable,
unremarkable shit.  Now, I'm not some grungy wannabe filmmaker that's  
searching for existentialism through a haze of bong smoke or something. No,
it's easy to pick apart bad acting, short-sighted directing, and a purely 
moronic stringing together of words that many of the studios term as 'prose.'"
-Gabriel Shear {Swordfish}

"Oh, come on, Stan. Not everything ends the way you think it should.
Besides, audiences love happy endings."
-Gabriel Shear {Swordfish}

"It's what they call 'tears.' It's a sign of their weakness."
-Ming the Merciless {Flash Gordon}

"I can't help that, Aura. Keeping our word is one of the things that make 
us... better than you."
-Dale Arden {Flash Gordon}

"Pathetic earthlings. Hurling your bodies out into the void, without the 
slightest inkling of who or what is out here. If you had known anything 
about the true nature of the universe - anything at all - you would've 
hidden from it in terror."
-Ming the Merciless {Flash Gordon}

"Guess what, guys; it's time to embrace the horror!"
-Rockhound {Armageddon}

"Want to be a parent? Shut up and do your job."
-Dr. Robert Romano {ER}

Lois:  "You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me."
Peter: "Uh, what could me and you do together? Lois! You've got a sick mind!"
Lois:  "Peter, I'm talking about making love."
Peter: "Oh! I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their
       organs for beer money."
-Lois & Peter Griffin {Family Guy}

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-Oscar Wilde

"History is about to be made and you're all a part of it. Not an equal part,
of course, but an important part nonetheless."
-Xander Drax {The Phantom}

"These guys are the roughest of all the charities."
-Burke Bennett {Death To Smoochy}

Tommy:   "I swear, that fuckin' Randolph has seen his last rainbow. We're 
         gonna find him, cut off his balls, and shove 'em up his ass."
Sheldon: "Well, maybe we should leave this for the cops, Tommy."
Danny:   "The cops won't do the ball thing; it's against procedure."
-Tommy, Sheldon "Smoochy the Rhino" Mopes, & Danny {Death To Smoochy}

"I love this job more than I love taffy, and I'm a man who loves his taffy."
-Adam West {Family Guy}

"Mother, life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're going
to get. Your life, on the other hand, is like this box of ACTIVE GRENADES!!"
-Stewart Griffin {Family Guy}

Doctor: "The next time your human physiology gives you problems, don't 
        consult the database; call me."
Seven:  "You ARE the database."
Doctor: "With two legs and a splendid bedside manner."
-The Doctor & Seven of Nine {ST:Voyager}

"In the future, geese will be rocket-powered."
-Mike Nelson {MST3K}

"You're really stupid if you get hit by a car AFTER the apocalypse."
-Crow T. Robot {MST3K}

"In other news, an accident caused the Quahog cable television transmitter 
to be knocked out, which will prevent broadcasting to the entire city. 
Actually, no can hear this, so it doesn't really matter what I say. I'm the
lord Jesus Christ. I think I'm going to get drunk and beat up some hookers.
How about you, Diane?"
-Tom Tucker {Family Guy}

"Okay, let's just get started before my headache gets worse."
-Capt. Kathryn Janeway {ST:Voyager}

"You know, lots of people shoot Apu. It's just a hundred dollar fine now."
-Marge Simpson

"Billy Gunn is back. Yay. Gunn is the only wrestler on Earth who can say
he was in a homosexual tag team and that still isn't the gayest gimmick he
ever had."
-B.J. Bethel

"Do you realize college-educated men write this shit [WWE Smackdown!]? I'm 
serious."
-Derek Burgan

"If I didn't have such low self-esteem, she probably would've really gotten
to me."
-Daria Morgendorffer

"Daria, don't be shy; show me your boobs. Hmmm, why did I think this would 
be more interesting?"
-Jane Lane {Daria}

"You're going to be asked for analysis and advice, so be God damn sure you 
know what you're talking about before you give it. Don't be afraid to say 
you don't know. Choose your words carefully; words have a habit of being 
turned into policy."
-Bill Cabot {The Sum of All Fears}

"When I asked you for your advice, I didn't mean for you to actually speak."
-Bill Cabot {The Sum of All Fears}

"Frank, I'm going to start slapping you now, and I may never stop."
-Dr. Clayton Forrester {MST3K}

"I'm gonna look at your shoes for a while. It makes about as much sense."
-Crow T. Robot {MST3K}

"We saw that episode."
-homeowners {Trading Spaces}

"Didn't they know who was coming?"
-Hilda Santo-Tomas {Trading Spaces}

"Hilda, this is a very unappetizing, unappealing, vulgar yellow, but...."
-Paige Davis {Trading Spaces}

"Stupidity is like nuclear power; it can be used for good or evil... and 
you don't want to get any on you."
-Scott Adams

"If you love me, why not share your love handle?"
-Milo Oblong

"You [interns] are wedges. The wedge is the most primitive tool known to
man. That is you. You think you know what you're doing, believe me, you
don't. Breakfast with your Senior Surgical Resident, Dr. Benton, will
begin in fifteen minutes. Dr. Benton is an intern's worst nightmare. He's
smarter than you, he never eats, he never sleeps, and he reads every
medical journal no matter how obscure. He is the Antichrist. Beelzebub.
Lucifer. A devourer of wedges. You will go to sleep at night wishing
plague and pestilence on his unborn children and you will wake up every
morning praying for his approval. You won't get it. Welcome to hell,
ladies and gentlemen."
-Dr. Melvoin {ER}

Luka: "Come on, we can hunt zombies together!"
Abby: "Couldn't we just... reason with them?"
-Dr. Luka Kovac & Abby Lockhart {ER}

"Sorry, I don't say anything applicable to the situation, guy."
-Cal {Undergrads}

"Well, this wouldn't be the first time that a group of people faked their 
own deaths and fled to Tibet to escape you. God, I miss Menudo."
-Cornfed {Duckman}

"I'll never let you guys go. In fact, I'm going to have us all surgically 
grafted togeter at the pelvis. No, really... I know a doctor in Uraguay."
-Eric Duckman

"Who makes up these cockamamie rules? Oh, nevermind."
-Piper Halliwell {Charmed}

"It's like sex, isn't it? Vascular surgery: messy, fun, and when done right,
I leave satisfied."
-Dr. Robert Romano {ER}

"Tell your chief of staff I expect him to treat each of my patients as if 
they were his mother, but without all the inappropriate touching."
-Dr. Robert Romano {ER}

"We may not be a traditional family like the Murphys next door or the coven
of lesbians across the street, but we're still a family."
-Philip Fry {Futurama}

"I'm a millionaire! Suddenly I have an opinion about the capital gains tax!"
-Turanga Leela {Futurama}

"I'd like to remind you that Judas did die. When Jesus rose back up he 
pulled out an AK-47 and an Uzi and went 'round to his house and shot Judas 
Kung-Fu style. Then Buddha gave him a high five. I failed Christian class."
-towelman

"What's to get? The tomatoes are killers."
-Dr. Mark Greene {ER}

"Well, Peter, you've only got a couple of hours left. If you're going to 
pull a party out of your ass, you might want to stand up."
-Brian Griffin {Family Guy}

"Yep, almost midnight. Let the screaming begin!"
-Dr. Susan Lewis {ER}

"You know, people think kids don't listen to their parents, but they do. 
And if you tell them they are nothing, they think they are nothing."
-Abby Lockhart {ER}

"I'd rather let the movie exist rather than let the movie be artificially 
plot-driven."
-Charlie Kaufman {Adaptation.}

"Well, Hiroki-san, when I asked him, he asked what business it was of
mine, and conjectured that my mother was a prostitute."
-Akiu {Futurama}

"No, no; we're in Chinatown, we're shopping for a sexual stimulant, we're
surrounded by chicken claws and goat brains... I haven't had this much fun
in a long time."
-Mason {Charmed}

"Actually, you're just the little bundle of negative reinforcement I've 
wanted to talk to."
-Mr. Gone {The Maxx}

"I respect your right to be opinionated, but these 'opinions' themselves 
are unworthy of respect."
-J. Perez

"Oh, you know the story; girl meets boy, girl reprograms boy's subroutines."
-Capt. Kathryn Janeway {ST:Voyager}

"It was better than expected, which is like saying that pulling out your
toenails with pliers didn't hurt as much as you thought it would."
-Tony Batalla

"First off, you make no sense. Secondly, you have no idea what you're
saying. Thirdly, never say anything ever again; please spare the rest of
us. Now that that's out of the way...."
-The Crimson King

"It's not about BEING right this time. It's about DOING right."
-{Law & Order}

"You want to simulate a near-death experience so you can revisit the Barge 
of the Dead, and YOU'RE telling ME what's absurd?"
-Capt. Kathryn Janeway {ST:Voyager}

"I wouldn't mind being in an American film for a laugh, but I certainly
don't want to be in Thingy Blah Blah 3, if you know what I mean."
-Audrey Tautou

"I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of
confidence."
-A.

"No, no; I know what those movies are like... killing innocent people,
eating human flesh. It'll just give you a lot of bad ideas."
-Marge Simpson

"In a stunning demonstration of self-proctology...."
-Chris Meadows

"I'm sure this will only confirm you suspicions about me, but that's why
it's no coincidence that you are missing the point."
-A.

"I won't underwrite dentists. Nope. Never trust a man who will put his 
hand in your mouth."
-Hank Gordon {Doc Hollywood}

"I think that's a good answer, the criterion for which being that it's
pretty much what I would have said in a form that has already been said,
thus saving me the energy of actually having to say it myself."
-Tarik Dozier

"You have a lovely friend there. Let's hope something runs over her."
-Jacques {The Simpsons}

"You, sir, either have a highly developed but somewhat peculiar sense of 
humour, or you are, sadly, an idiot of the highest order."
-Icelander

"Truth is an event, and only through experience can the veracity of a
truth be verified."
-The Oracle {Enter the Matrix}

"You two leave each other's testicles alone until I go get a camera."
-Avigail Laird

"The only way to have a happy ending is to not tell the rest of the story."
-Orson Welles

"Can't we all just get along, Matrix people, Terminator people living side
by side in harmony? I mean if Jason people and Freddy people can get along,
why can't Neo and T-1000? Besides isn't our true enemy anyone who wants to
make a sequel to Kangaroo Jack?"
-Laura_Tab

"Like everything else in life, pumping is just a primitive, degenerate 
form of bending."
-Bender Bending Rodriguez {Futurama}

"Fifty-three years old? Oh, now I'll need a fake ID to rent ultra-porn."
-Prof. Hubert Farnsworth {Futurama}

"In The Matrix, Smith's prolonged interaction with Morpheus represents 
what we in the industry call the 'rubber hose method' of cryptoanalysis. 
Basically, that's when you beat someone repeatedly until they surrender 
their password(s), mother's maiden name, favorite dessert topping, and 
anything else you need to know. It's not nearly as elegant a methodology 
as social engineering, but it's often at least as effective, if not 
significantly more so."
-Tarik Dozier

"We'll start with the assumption that I am not crazy. If I am, then it 
won't really matter anyway."
-Dr. Beverly Crusher {ST:TNG}

"If there's nothing wrong with me, maybe there's something wrong with the 
universe."
-Dr. Beverly Crusher {ST:TNG}

"Well, that kinda made sense. Oh, wait... not really... not at all."
-Adam {I'm With Busey}

"Gary said Sequoia left over philosophical differences; I think Gary
killed him. But either way...."
-Adam {I'm With Busey}

"I feel like I have to pee, so I should really get it over with before we 
meet the magic Indian."
-Gary Busey {I'm With Busey}

"Wow, two magic Indians on one trip. What are the chances of that? Well,
I'll tell you; you have better chances of finding two Eskimo hookers in
front of a church in downtown Chicago."
-Adam {I'm With Busey}

"Zombie guards, SEIZE HIM! Tell me that's not fun to say."
-Mentock the Mind Taker {Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law}

"Boy, will I be glad when that studio audience moves outta the neighborhood."
-Peter Griffin {Family Guy}

"Take out your scalpels, boys and girls, we're going to dissect... A CLOWN!
No wonder this clown died; him lungs are filled WITH CANDY!"
-Mr. Fargus {Family Guy}

"Superman: "I believe that if we stayed together as a team, we could be a 
           force that could truly work for the ideals of peace and justice."
The Flash: "What? Like a bunch of Superfriends?"
Superman:  "I was thinking more along the lines of a Justice League."
The Flash: "Do you have any idea how corny that sounds?"
-{Justice League}

"Are you accusing my husband of misleading you? Good gracious, I should 
bust a cap in your ass."
-Etiquette Instructor {The Simpsons}

"So, you fight crime AND bake cookies. How do you do it?"
-Hawkgirl {Justice League}

Hawkgirl:  "That's fast."
The Flash: "Yeah, fastest man alive!"
Hawkgirl:  "Which might explain why you can't get a date."
The Flash: "Yeah... HEY! What's that supposed to mean?!"
-{Justice League}

"C'mon, it's just like making love! Y'know... left... down... rotate
sixty-two degrees... engage rotor...."
-Bender Rodriguez {Futurama}

"Oh, no room for Bender, huh? Fine, I'll go build my own lunar lander!  
With blackjack... and hookers! In fact, forget the lunar lander and the
blackjack! Ah, screw the whole thing."
-Bender Rodriguez {Futurama}