"The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." -Lily Tomlin "It's like playing rock, paper, scissors, and sucker-punch to the throat. The sucker-punch always wins." -Maddox "Here's how the movie could have been improved: Replacing Keanu Reeves with a wooden plank with a mean face on it. The subtle point here is the mean face. Without it, Reeves would be on par with a wooden plank, except a bit more rigid. He approaches every scene with the steadfast determination of a moron running into a wall. At least if they replaced him with a wooden plank, the plank would have an excuse to have the same stupid look on its face all the time." -Maddox "A most logical use of violence, to punish the violent." -Lon Suder {ST:Voyager} "I mean, come on! You stab a guy in the face ONE TIME, and he just won't forget it! I mean, what ever happened to unconditional love?" -Jessica Makinson {Trigger Happy TV} "It's like going to a real theatre, but nobody cares if you're naked." -Comedy Central Lisa: "But what if he wants to hold hands?" Bart: "I'm prepared to make that sacrifice." Lisa: "What if he wants to kiss?" Bart: "I'm prepared to make that sacrifice." Lisa: "What if...." Bart: "You don't want to know how far I'll go." -Lisa & Bart Simpson "It's good to know how the world works. It is not possible to be a scientist unless you believe that all the knowledge of the universe and all the power that it bestows is of intrinsic value to everyone. And one must share that knowledge and allow it to be applied, and then be willing to live with the consequences." -Ma'Bor Jetrel {ST:Voyager} "Own the day." -Lindsay Ballard {ST:Voyager} Lisa: "That story isn't suitable for children." Wiggum: "Really? I keep my pants on in this version." -Lisa Simpson & Chief Clancy Wiggum "In one of the scenes that was deleted from the final cut of The Animatrix, someone dropped a piano on Tank's head. You'll just have to wait for the version on supplemental disc 6 of the Ultimate Edition Titanium-Encased box set to be released next year before you can see it. Don't let anyone tell you it's not true; they're liars." -Tarik Dozier, IMDb.com "More testicles means more iron." -Lunchlady Doris {The Simpsons} "Ahem; my geode must be acknowledged." -Martin Prince {The Simpsons} "There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scottsman." -Groundskeeper Willie {The Simpsons} "If there's one thing a badger can't resist, it's soft music, soft lighting, and a pot roast." -Christopher Walken {SNL} "You and I are wired differently. To you this is nothing but data; to me it's a monster with fangs and claws. In my nightmares I am chased by algorithms." -Tal Celes {ST:Voyager} "Sir, I'm going to say this as politely as possible. I will fuck you up." -Roxy, Grim Reaper & Meter Maid {Dead Like Me} knutty: "What? Do you think I am stupid?" xnull: "You don't really want me to answer that, do you?" -knutty & Tarik Dozier (xnull), IMDb.com "Bigfoot! He's real! I knew it; the Loch Ness Monster's book was right!" -Philip Fry {Futurama} "We cannot have that dog running around biting every black person she sees! It makes us look like ignorant rednecks. Oh, and it's not good for black people too." -Peggy Hill {King of the Hill} Jason: "Once I walked into my parents' bedroom, and my parents saw me naked." Melissa: "You were naked?" Brandon: "Why were you naked?" Jason: "I love it." -Jason Panopolis, Melissa Robbins, & Brendon Small {Home Movies} "If you really need something to occupy yourself, there are plenty of chores that need doing around the house. What?! You guys get to say it!" -Daria Morgendorffer "Hmm... you seem to have a psychotic obsession with me. I like that in a woman!" -Jay Sherman {The Critic} "Whoa; thanks! I'll never wash this cheek again... at least not until I get back to the secret, undisclosed location where I work." -Delivery Boy {Stipperella} "You're obviously not familiar with the paradigm you're addressing, thus your attempt to speak with authority on this subject appears to be coming from the standpoint of an uninformed buffoon. Briefly put, you don't know what you're talking about, so the only way for you to stop looking like an ass would've been to have shut the hell up about ten sentences ago. Sorry, you missed your chance." -Tarik Dozier "Is it just me, or is it sad that the most bitingly satirical social commentary film this year is in the form of a badly animated movie that came from a TV show on Comedy Central made by the same two stoner idiots that gave us BASEketball?" -Rod Hilton, "South Park: The Abridged Script" "I am really, really happy that I have never been involved with the salespeople, because that is never what I was interested in." -Linus Torvalds "To me the most important thing has always been that people be able to trust me. That doesn't mean that they agree with me; it just means that they know what my motivation is." -Linus Torvalds "When people are least sure, they are often most dogmatic." -John Kenneth Galbraith "Hey, I'm all for confronting people with nipples as early into the presentation as possible. Nipples are a harsh reality, my friend, and you're just going to have to get used to that." -Tarik Dozier "He was last seen wearing flammable pajamas and an ankle bracelet with the name, 'Hacksaw,' on it." -[little] Pete Wrigley {The Adventures of Pete & Pete} "WHOOOO! Call me a truck and slap me 'til Wednesday!" -Artie {The Adventures of Pete & Pete} "Worry not, boy; worry not. For I am ARTIE, the Strongest MAN... in the World!" -Artie {The Adventures of Pete & Pete} "What I really don't get about the replies I read on these boards is how so many of these From Justin To Kelly fans manage to spell they 'tehy.' I've spent hours on end looking at my keyboard just trying to find out how the hell they accidentally do this. It's about as likely as spelling Movie 'clitoradectomy.' It just really bothers me. Oh, and I still stand by my opinion that this was the worst clitoradectomy I've ever seen.... Wait, I mean 'film.' Hey, I guess it does happen." -canthavemyid "Getting bashed by you is like getting mugged by a kitten." -CTS-1 "Aww, pretty much that's what we gossip about in school all day, the metaphysical and spiritual roots of everyday life, as manifested through the metaphor of super-heroic struggle. I mean, it's not like we're really gonna use geography or math." -Harry {The Maxx} "A gun will give you power over anybody that doesn't have a gun. Unfortunately, you're not the first person to think of this. With half the population packing, we may have to escalate. How do you feel about bazookas?" -Mr. Gone {The Maxx} "Y'know, the witches on Charmed could probably keep quite a bit more evil out of their house if they actually locked the front door every once in a while." -Tarik Dozier "Strength is the only thing that matters. Everything else is just an illusion for the weak." -Vegeta {DBZ} "My one flaw as an arch-fiend was always an excess of candor." -Mr. Gone {The Maxx} "Why is he screaming right now?" -Tazz {WWE Smackdown!} "Vandals! A man tries to do what's right, buys a little land, sets up a secret human vivisection and torture laboratory, and what happens? Somebody trashes it! Rush is right! There's no respect for private property!" -Mr. Gone {The Maxx} "I know Big Vinnie said he was giving me the Kiss of Death, but I still think he was gay." -Philip Fry {Futurama} "But I don't belong here! I don't like things that are scary and painful." -Bender Rodriguez {Futurama} "This is a man who believes the plural of 'goose' is 'sheep.'" -Lois Griffin {Family Guy} "You'll find that it's very rare for people who claim to be great lovers of freedom to actually bear that conviction far beyond endorsing your freedom to agree with and act in accordance with their very specific points of view." -Tarik Dozier "My breasts, for some reason, are enormous." -Kathleen Dickason "I have all these thoughts, and I'm pretty sure they all contradict each other." -Cordelia Chase {Buffy the Vampire Slayer} "He who will not reason is a bigot; he who cannot is a fool; and he who dares not is a slave." -Sir William Drummond "We can either debate comparative xenobiology or I can continue with the story. Now, it's up to you." -Neelix {ST:Voyager} Janeway: "We're getting started on the wrong foot today, my friend." Chakotay: "Captain?" Janeway: "I'm sorry. I was talking to Voyager." Chakotay: "It's nothing to be embarrassed about. I used to have long conversations with my Maquis ship." Janeway: "Really? What did you two talk about?" Chakotay: "Oh, I can't tell you that. Captain-starship confidentiality." Janeway: "Of course." Chakotay: "If the Doctor heard us, he'd probably recommend counseling." Janeway: "I won't tell if you won't." -Capt. Kathryn Janeway & Cmdr. Chakotay {ST:Voyager} "My, my, what a thumping good read! Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two-by-fours.... I say, won't find THAT in Winnie the Pooh!" -Stewart Griffin, on the Bible {Family Guy} "Listen crudmunch, I don't have to be here. I've got a nice, warm bed at home, and a mom who gets Turkish radio on the metal plate in her head." -[little] Pete Wrigley {The Adventures of Pete & Pete} Neelix: "You really shouldn't sneak up on people like that; I could have shot you!" Tuvok: "Your restraint is commendable." -Neelix & Lt. Tuvok {ST: Voyager} Janeway: "I will not be your prisoner. You'll have to kill me." Computer: "Acknowledged." -Capt. Kathryn Janeway & Voyager's computer {ST:Voyager} "But that's not why people watch TV. Clever things make people feel stupid and unexpected things make them feel scared. TV audiences don't want anything original. They want to see the same thing they've seen a thousand times before." -Philip Fry {Futurama} "Are you here to make copies, or to ask suspicious questions in a tone that implies that I might have done something evil and mischievious?" -Hans Klinko {Stripperella} "I know you're going to be dead soon, but for some reason, I feel compelled to tell you my evil plan." -Hans Klinko {Stripperella} "Bah! Enough superhero-evil villain banter. Prepare to die!" -Hans Klinko {Stripperella} "You're getting paranoid. It's probably just an informal get-together of local stalkers. You know, hang out, swap stories, try out each other's skeleton keys...." -Daria Morgendorffer "Remember that game when you fell on your head? Remember how you thought Vince Lombardi was sending you plays from Hell?" -Michael MacKenzie {Daria} Prue: "Okay, that's new." Phoebe: "Demon... with demon filling." -Prudence & Phoebe Halliwell {Charmed} "Say what you want, but soon enough, all of our needs and dreams will be met by the modern miracle of vending!" -Ellen Hickle {The Adventures of Pete & Pete} "This morning, I stood with the refrigerator door open for forty-five minutes... just because I could." -[big] Pete Wrigley {The Adventures of Pete & Pete} "Hold it right there; it's time for you to take a ride on the Ass-Kickinator! The Ass-Kickinator is not really a ride; I just made that up." -Stripperella "Ellen had found the formula to destroy word problems. What happened next... was slaughter." -[big] Pete Wrigley {The Adventures of Pete & Pete} "But if Quinn's cousin is an atomic communist from Mars, shouldn't she have a more interesting outfit?" -Tiffany {Daria} "Just reach into the TV and pull him out! That's how I met the Fonz." -Franklin Sherman {The Critic} "Gather 'round, girls, and I'll tell you a story. There was a guy I knew in school. He couldn't run, catch, or throw because he was too small and weak. So we beat the crap out of him, sometimes three, four times a day. And then when he was older, he enlisted in the army to prove he was man enough. But instead, he lost both of his legs in a car accident coming home from the recruiter's office. And I swear to you that if you lose this game... I will go to his house and beat that legless little bastard to a pulp. So win one for the Gipper!" -Eric Duckman "Wait! I know twenty-four knots... and I'm well-trained in high explosives." -[little] Pete Wrigley {The Adventures of Pete & Pete} "As you can see by the evidence presented, I just demonstrated that your reading comprehension skills are not your strong point, genius (and before you start patting yourself on your back, I would like to preemptively point out something else that may escape you; sarcasm)." -dpangani "Either way, they shouldn't be binary as the human mind isn't binary. For example, to answer the question of whether or not you're an idiot, besides the usual 'yes' and 'no,' there's the 'maybe,' 'absolutely,' 'definitely,' and 'he's the definition of stupidity.'" -sth128 "There's no reason to, Ellen. No, I must go the way of Mr. T and a unified USSR." -Elma Fingerwood {The Adventures of Pete & Pete} "It's not difficult to stand out when the level of competence is so low." -The Doctor {ST:Voyager} "That was my philosophy, anyway. In a world where there are literally ten million ways to mutilate yourself on a daily basis, why go messing around with tools? Was a spice rack really worth losing a body part that I grew to know and love?" -[big] Pete Wrigley {The Adventures of Pete & Pete} "Awkward pause in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1....." -A. "The universe is run by a complex interweaving of three elements - energy, matter, and enlightened self-interest." -Citizen G'Kar {Babylon 5} "It's not so much that The Brunching Shuttlecocks are breaking up, but rather that we're reinventing ourselves as a dormant, non-producing comedy team. We're exploring the comedic potential of doing nothing. We're trailblazing the cutting-edge realm of non-comedy. It's an exciting time." -Lore Sjoberg "You will find I lack the virtues of both tolerance and patience." -The Merovingian {Enter the Matrix} "Stow it! I'm going to cut this carrot, and you're going to eat the blood- soaked pieces and like it! Now piss off!" -Samantha Caine {The Long Kiss Goodnight} "There may be many reasons not to kill you, but among them is not that you will be missed by NASA." -Dr. Nathan Waldman {The Long Kiss Goodnight} "The Supreme Court is just like regular court, except it comes with tomatoes and sour cream." -A. "Procrastinate now. Don't put it off." -Ellen Degeneres "That's funny... someone who squanders his time writing a message with negligible content actually dares to ask others if they have nothing better to do with their time. It's quite the rare person who will sacrifice every discernable shred of his own credibility for the singular purpose of being demonstrably ironic. Bravo to you, sir." -Tarik Dozier "Know him? Know him? Ha! Clark, tell the boy about Paris; you, me, Hemingway, the shiny tugboat.... Heh heh heh, then escaping to Dusseldorf in a bobsled, Hemingway driving, and you in the middle with Gertrude Stein braking in the back!" -Artie {The Adventures of Pete & Pete} "I can smell his fear, Mommy. It smells like bacon!" -{The Adventures of Pete & Pete} "Issue: Young Pete toppled the Asian bond market. Issue: Young Pete made the whole of Texas go bald with one of his science experiments. Issue: Young Pete accidentally drained Lake Superior. Question: Who's more responsible? Young Pete? WRONG! Answer: Older Pete." -John McLaughlin {The Adventures of Pete & Pete} "I'll just drive home drunk, then. There are so many things I could drive my car into, a ditch, a telephone pole, a busload of babies...." -Luanne Platter {King of the Hill} "Even I beat you up that day... after you passed out." -Milhouse Van Houten {The Simpsons} "You know what this reminds me of? My Icelandic boyhood." -Carl Carlson {The Simpsons} "The critics.... I've got to tell you, I wouldn't care if you believed in Jesus Christ and we brought him back as a guest appearance, we would be criticized for doing that by that audience. They're so negative about what we do. I don't listen to critics." -Vince McMahon, Chairman, WWE "Am I the only person who has gotten Windows ME to be stable? I mean, sure, it's just sitting there on the shelf, but it hasn't fallen off in weeks." -Effika Persephone: "If you kiss me as if you were kissing your true love, I'll tell you where your friend is." Niobe: "How about I shoot you in your kneecaps instead?" -Persephone & Niobe {Enter the Matrix} "Oh God, that was awful. I wish you had shot my kneecaps instead." -Persephone {Enter the Matrix} Persephone: "If you kiss me as if you were kissing your true love, I'll tell you where your friend is." Ghost: "I could beat it out of you." Persephone: "I like the sound of that, too. But a kiss will do." -Persephone & Ghost {Enter the Matrix} "Kierkegaard reminds us that belief has nothing to do with how or why. Belief is beyond reason. I believe because it is absurd. It's complete lunacy, and that's why we must believe it will happen. Faith, by its very nature, must transcend logic." -Ghost {Enter the Matrix} "When I come out here at night and water my plants, it's like they're talking to me. I think they're saying, 'I like your pants.'" -Gary Busey {I'm With Busey} "Do you not know that for a mere twenty-five cents more you can get a large beverage? You know, I'm only telling you this because we're such good friends; medium is really for suckers who don't know the meaning of 'value.'" -Enid Coleslaw {Ghost World} "Well, that was in the script. If we'd done it for real, Mel [Gibson] would still be in the hospital." -Gary Busey, on his final scene in Lethal Weapon {I'm With Busey} "Dealing with limited resources was half the fun of having a computer." -agent oranje "Remember, if you can shred it, it's slaw waiting to happen." -Alton Brown {Good Eats} "A storm was heading towards the city of Quin'lat. The people sought protection within the walls, all except one man who remained outside. I went to him and asked what he was doing. 'I am not afraid of the wind,' he said. 'I will not hide my face behind stone and mortar. I will stand before the wind and make it respect me.' I honored his choice and went inside. The next day the storm came, and the man was killed. The wind does not respect a fool." -Kahless {ST:TNG} "I guess I can pick up this hanging-around thing again tomorrow; I just hope I don't lose my momentum." -Daria Morgendorffer "Ooooh, 4.4BSD! Every time I get up in the morning, I get excited just thinking about it!" -Alyda "You weren't ready to go on the air, were you?" -Carol Costello {CNN Daybreak} "If it should become necessary to fight, could you arrange to find some rocks for us to throw?" -Cmdr. William Riker {ST:TNG} "Take THAT, Lisa's beliefs!" -Homer Simpson "I never resist temptation, because I have found that things that are bad for me do not tempt me." -George Bernard Shaw "Computer, search for 'teeth' and 'plaque conspiracy'... and 'Metallica.'" -Master Shake "Comfort seduces us into repetition, and if we keep doing what we're doing, we keep getting what we're getting. Although that may allow us to develop certain skills, it doesn't lead us to transcend our limitations. It works fine for learning to play the piano, not so well for creating great symphonies." -Charlene Belitz & Meg Lundstrom, "The Power of Flow" "Dad, can we keep Mr. Bailey? He's brought laughter, music, and black fishnet pantyhose into our lives." -Ajax Duckman "Do you have a sense of exactly what day you turned into a lunatic-woman?" -Casey McCall {Sports Night} "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." -George Bernard Shaw