"Don't fuck with us; it's one o' them things."
-John Dozier, Jr.

Pete: "Am I not a nice guy? Is it wrong to be mad at a friend?"
Pete: "Not if you really hate him!"
-[big] Pete & [little] Pete Wrigley {The Adventures of Pete & Pete}

"It is remarkable how reasonable people can enjoy themselves ridiculing
someone they should by all means be pitying. I wonder if he is allowed to
use a computer without supervision."
-Icelander

"You know why you do not see me styling wit' my homies? Because I have no 
homies!"
-Mojo Jojo

"What... you didn't know that?"
-Teddy Foresman {The Adventures of Pete & Pete}

"Thank you; I'm simultaneously honored and insulted."
-Strong Sad

"You have an uncanny knack for making inquiries that have already been 
addressed at least hundreds of times over, and making observations that 
are either wholly unoriginal or simply uninteresting. Shh. Do you hear 
that sound? That's the sound of the vast majority not caring about what 
you have to say."
-Tarik Dozier

"Now if you don't like playing with your food, you can, of course, do this 
in your food processor; but I, for one, would call you a 'sissy.'"
-Alton Brown {Good Eats}

"Bad music makes people violent. Like, Nickelback makes me want to kill 
Nickelback."
-{Tough Crowd}

"I'm not a snitcher; I just tell it like it is."
-Cindy Brady

"Sarcasm, irony and biting retorts are all easier to pull off than honest
sentimentality. I, unfortunately, have a common and useless gift - the
ability to armour myself in cynical humour against the depressing banality
of the universe. Oh, well! If we are going to be stardust, we might as
well be laughing stardust."
-Icelander

"Will the people in the cheap seats please leave; and the rest of you, hand
over your jewelry!"
-Mojo Jojo {The Powerpuff Girls}

"Why am I crying in French?"
-Vash the Stampede {Trigun}

"If history teaches us anything, it's that you can kill anybody."
-Michael Corleone {The Godfather, Part II}

"It's not brain surgery. I should know; I used to be a brain surgeon, until
they fired me. You leave ONE sandwich in someone's head...."
-Real Estate Agent {The Adventures of Pete & Pete}

"No, I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man
and a woman."
-Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Every man knows that he's a sissy compared to Johnny Cash."
-Bono

"Here's a little fact about whales that not many people know: Whales are
drinking all our water and eating our sailors."
-Maddox

"ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD."
-{Futurama}

"I wasn't insulting your point of view; I was insulting your judgment.
Learn the difference."
-Damon Ryde

"Anyone who buys a PC because of lameass benchmarks has no use for said PC,
other than to yammer endlessly. I'm sick of 'X is 30% better at [specific
instruction] than Y' arguments."
-stratjakt

"Excuse me; when you fight communism in Dallas, that's draft-dodging."
-Bill Maher

"Don't let anybody make you think that God chose America as his divine 
messianic force to be -- a sort of policeman of the whole world."
-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., 1967

"I'm convinced that if we are to get on the right side of the world
revolution, we as a nation must undergo a radical revolution of values.
When machines and computers, profit motives and property rights are
considered more important than people, the giant triplets of racism,
militarism and economic exploitation are incapable of being conquered."
-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., 1967

"Mmmm... dried algae, the breakfast of champions."
-[little] Pete Wrigley {The Adventures of Pete & Pete}

"Chainsaws are overrated as offensive weapons."
-G. Henrikson

"I feel that the word, 'nigger,' is one of the most volatile words in the
English language, and any time anyone gives a word that much power, I think
everybody should be shouting it from the rooftops to take the power away."
-Quentin Tarantino

"A monument to the Ten Commandments is a graven image, and therefore
blasphemous."
-The Onion

"The great secret is not the variety of life; it's the variety of us."
-Lwaxana Troi {ST:TNG}

"Mother, stop... you're telling me you're not going to be naked at your
own wedding?!"
-Deanna Troi {ST:TNG}

"I'm Lwaxana, and any introductory compliment you'd like to give will be 
well-received."
-Lwaxana Troi {ST:TNG}

"Before you send me hate mail, let me know if you're a monster truck rally 
fan in the subject line so I can ignore your opinions more conveniently."
-Maddox

"You don't get to pick when you tell the truth; the truth is beyond that."
-Walter Finch {Insomnia}

"...and my personal favorite name, 'Big Bad Booty Daddy.' What can I say?  
I can relate to that one."
-"Mean" Gene Okerlund

"The things we fear the most have already happened to us."
-Deepak Chopra

"Armageddon will just barely miss us, so make sure to get your panic in the
streets over with early."
-Rob Malda (CmdrTaco)

"Contrary to popular belief, I do plan to keep doing comics. I also plan to
keep feeding on the flesh of newborn children in order to steal their power."
-Jhonen Vasquez

"I'm chocolafied; what a sugar rush. It makes my breasts feel funny." 
-Kathleen Dickason

"The dream of a Poster Children video that looks like a newscast is finally
realized."
-Rose Marshack

The most shocking revelations: it is very, very difficult to look good in
tights...."
-Rose Marshack

"High heels were invented to make women easier to hunt."
-Sue Costello

Irwin:  "Very good; you have checkmate in five moves."
Inmate: "Looks that way, sir; but why are you moving if I have checkmate 
        in five moves?"
Irwin:  "Because I have checkmate in three."
-Lt. Gen. Eugene Irwin & Inmate {The Last Castle}

"This time I learned something that I'll remember to do - always bring 
vaseline when corking cows."
-Gary Busey {I'm With Busey}

"You know what? It's two guys who love the environment too much."
-Adam {I'm With Busey}

"WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL MY SOUL?!"
-Stu Benedict {The Adventures of Pete & Pete}

"The dead are coming back, little brother, and they all want to sleep over 
at MY house. HEY! Feet off the couch!"
-Death {At Death's Door}

"You mean we're going to tie you to the end of a big fishy pole and cast 
for dead people?"
-Delirium {At Death's Door}

"If you save the butterfly, the spider dies of starvation. If you save the
spider, the butterfly is consumed. If you just keep saving the butterflies,
the spiders will die. Wanting to save both is just a naive contradiction."
-Millions Knives {Trigun}

"Pete, I can't leave! There are people out there who are waiting for pizza,
hot and fresh; and they're depending on me!"
-Ellen Hickle {The Adventures of Pete & Pete}

"Kids from third-world countries are frequently malnourished, so there's 
not much meat on them, and they often carry nasty diseases. North American 
children are healthier, plumper, and safer to eat. It's even better if they
were organically raised, but there's a lot of extra prep time involved in
cleaning hippie children before cooking."
-Alexandra Howell

"Total slaughter, total slaughter, I won't leave a single man alive. 
Ladeedadeedide, genocide. Ladeedadeedud, an ocean of blood. Let's begin 
the killing time."
-Vash the Stampede, singing {Trigun}

"Shampoo selfish, not stupid!"
-Shampoo {Ranma 1/2}

"Say, is this the ship of the Valkyries, or have human women finally managed
to do away with their men altogether?"
-Q {ST:Voyager}

"If you aren't remembered, then you never existed."
-Arisu {Serial Experiments Lain}

"Science is facts. Just as houses are made of stones, so is science made of
facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts is not
necessarily science."
-Henri Poincare

Well, heck; if you know how to make a tasty frosting or icing and can
deliver it in an appealing manner, well, that's my definition of power!"
-Alton Brown {Good Eats}

"I actually wanted to be in the FBI for about twenty minutes after I saw
that movie with Jodie Foster and that guy who eats people in his basement;
but I was really stoned at the time. And to be honest with you, for about
twenty minutes, I also wanted to make a coat out of people's skin."
-Deputy Travis Junior {Reno 911!}

"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by 
bolts of lightning."
-A.

"I am nobody's little weasel."
-Amelie Poulain {Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amelie Poulain}

"Without him, there would have been no William T. Riker at all. And I would
have lost at least a dozen really good opportunities to insult him over the
years. Oh, and lest I forget, the Borg would have assimilated the Federation
too. Thank you."
-Q {ST:Voyager}

"Did anyone ever tell you you're angry when you're beautiful?"
-Q {ST:Voyager}

Janeway: "I do not appreciate your flirtations."
Q:       "I always flirted with Jean-Luc too, but I never got the rise out 
         of him that I get out of you. We really have to do something with 
         your hair."
-Capt. Kathryn Janeway & Q {ST:Voyager}

"Just because you have all the raw material to make a great system doesn't 
mean it's going to be great. Saying the Xbox is a good system because it's
powerful is like saying you made a great painting because you used the best
set of paints."
-Maddox

"I hear that one of Shannen Doherty's eyes is off-center because it's trying
to escape."
-Peter Griffin {Family Guy}

SG:    "I heard you tellin' Dave to shoot me in the brain with a laser, out
       behind the dumpster."
Zorak: "Aw, c'mon; that doesn't sound like me."
SG:    "That makes me sad."
-Space Ghost & Zorak

"I'm Jewish, and her family is, y'know, incredibly not. Which isn't, by the
way, any sort of a problem for me, but I do think it might be a problem for
them, because, after all, there are those that think I killed their lord,
Jesus Christ. Not me directly, mind you; I didn't drive the getaway car or
anything. In fact, my family's from Latvia, so we've got a pretty solid alibi."
-Jeremy Goodwin {Sports Night}

Neelix: "I will not rest until I see you smile."
Tuvok:  "Then you will not rest."
-Neelix & Lt. Tuvok {ST:Voyager}

"That's just appalling; I'm tired of having my intelligence so blatantly
insulted. Yes, I know it's my own fault for watching CNN, but please."
-Tarik Dozier

"But as everyone knows, you just can't trust a man with a pineapple. Or
can you? Well, no. You can't. Forget we said anything."
-Jack Miller {AtAT}

"No, I don't really want you to be on 'my side.' You agree with me, yes,
but you've otherwise demonstrated that you don't know what you're talking
about, therefore diminishing the credibility of 'my side.' I'd be better
off if you instead asserted your nonsensical ravings on behalf of those
who disagree with me."
-Tarik Dozier

"I'm not an angel, I'm not always perky, but the name on the mailbox is
Death... if I had a mailbox. And girls can be anything they want, even the
anthropomorphic personifications of aspects of the universe!"
-Death {At Death's Door}

"I don't really care how time is reckoned so long as there is some
agreement about it, but I object to being told that I am saving daylight
when my reason tells me that I am doing nothing of the kind. I even object
to the implication that I am wasting something valuable if I stay in bed
after the sun has risen. As an admirer of moonlight I resent the bossy
insistence of those who want to reduce my time for enjoying it. At the
back of the Daylight Saving scheme I detect the bony, blue-fingered hand
of Puritanism, eager to push people into bed earlier, and get them up
earlier, to make them healthy, wealthy and wise in spite of themselves."
-Robertson Davies, "The Diary of Samuel Marchbanks"

"I guess it was a pretty funny prank. I like the ones where nothing catches
on fire."
-Marge Simpson

"Yes, it's the apocalypse all right. I always thought I'd have a hand in it."
-Prof. Hubert Farnsworth {Futurama}

"If you 'used to be Goth,' then you never actually were. It's quite simple,
really; don't mistake a fashionable lifestyle choice for an orientation."
-Tarik Dozier

"If you're interested in a permanent solution to your child giving you lip 
about washing the dishes, cleaning his or her room, or filing your tax return,
then the Dragon kick might be the technique for you. I guarantee that you will
only have to ask once after the Dragon kick has been administered."
-Maddox

"It's no harder to be nice than it is to be creepy; and it's much more fun."
-Death {The High Cost of Living}

Dan:   "You're nineteen feet tall. Why are you wearing heels?"
Sally: "Are you feeling diminuitive?"
Dan:   "No, but now I have to look up that word."
-Dan Rydell & Sally Sasser {Sports Night}

"It's a miracle Bart isn't robbing banks and chasing Sweet Lady H."
-Judge Constance Harm {The Simpsons}

"Quiet; if I want a cock-and-bull story, I'll read Hemingway."
-Judge Constance Harm {The Simpsons}

"If this review didn't make sense, that's because I'll be damned if the
director can get away with two hours of it if I can't get away with two 
pages."
-Maddox

Pete:  "Ellen, you got any Moisty-Naps in there? It's an emergency!"
Ellen: "No... but I've got meat from around the world."
-[big] Pete Wrigley & Ellen Hickle {The Adventures of Pete & Pete}

"Many [mail] clients try to support HTML but fail horribly."
-LiveJournal.com

"Mr. Neelix. Do you think you could possibly try to behave a little less
like yourself?"
-Lt. Tuvok {ST:Voyager}

"You're not the boss of tiger-bot Hesh!"
-Capt. Hazel "Hank" Murphy {Sealab 2021}

"I thought it was a pretty good movie, but for the sake of being a jerk, 
I'm going to say it sucked. Screw you."
-Maddox

"Christian suffers from rectal-cranial inversion."
-Jim Ross {WWE Raw}

"That was an absolutely wonderful display of violence."
-"Stone Cold" Steve Austin

"Well, If I tell you I'm good, I'm probably boasting; but if I tell you I'm
not good, you know I'm lying."
-Bruce Lee

"Any religion that embraces carob is not for Carl Carlson."
-Carl Carlson {The Simpsons}

"It would only be fair for me to return the favor. Please disrobe."
-T'Pol {Enterprise}

"For generations your puny planet has lived in peace with the Globetrotter
homeworld, but now - for no reason - we challenge you to defend your honor 
on the basketball court. Will no one meet our challenge? Have none of you 
pathetic Earthlings game?"
-Ethan "Bubblegum" Tate {Futurama}

"Yes, I see. Something involving that many big words could easily destabilize
time itself."
-Prof. Hubert Farnsworth {Futurama}

Bubblegum:  "We'd need some kind of doomsday device to initiate an implosion
            like that!"
Farnsworth: "Doomsday device? Aaah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's court!"
-Ethan "Bubblegum" Tate & Prof. Hubert Farnsworth {Futurama}

"Satisfying your curiosity is not worth brain damage."
-The Doctor {ST:Voyager}

"IT'S LIKE A KOALA BEAR CRAPPED A RAINBOW IN MY BRAIN!"
-Capt. Hazel "Hank" Murphy {Sealab 2021}

"I thought of this script right before bedtime. I got so pumped I almost
kicked my mom right in the face!"
-Robert Hamburger

"You're laboring under a false stereotype of nuns. They cannot fly under
their own power, and the short ones are not often mistaken for penguins."
-Asok {Dilbert}

"Minja will see you in Chinese Hell of 10,000 BULLETS!"
-Rocco D. Commisso

"HEY! I don't tell you how to infiltrate the lairs of our sworn enemies and
dispose of the bodies with lightning-fast efficiency, so don't tell me how
to do my JOB!"
-Rocco D. Commisso

"Stick your cock in it!"
-Laura Reed

"My life - and by extension, everyone else's - is meaningless."
-Bender Rodriguez {Futurama}

"If you tend to use the acronym, 'LOL,' a lot, don't bother trying to
remember not to use it in the email; it's just easier for you to not email
me. Whatever it is that you have to say probably isn't important, because
you're an idiot."
-Maddox

Dante:   "That trip was really ironic."
Randall: "Yeah, that was some great irony."
-Dante Hicks & Randall Graves {Clerks}

"First, we cut a circle of paper and tape it to the glass. That way, the
quarter is covered when we put the glass over it. Then we say the magical
words, 'Ala-kanootch!' and invoke the dark lord, Satan. 'We offer this
young girl's soul to you, master!' And... the quarter is gone! Ta-da!"
-Jay {Clerks}

Fry:        "So there's an infinite number of parallel universes?"
Farnsworth: "No, just the two."
Fry:        "Oh, well; I'm sure that's enough."
-Philip Fry & Prof. Hubert Farnsworth {Futurama}

Salesman: "Can I interest you in Gwennyth Paltrow?"
Fry:      "Nah; I read in Newsweek that she drinks human blood."
-Salesman & Philip Fry {Futurama}

"You know why I'm still single? It's because all the fine robot women are 
dating humans!"
-Bender Rodriguez {Futurama}

"I'm a doctor, not a counterinsurgent."
-The Doctor {ST:Voyager}

"I think the other two seem to be trying to figure out what to make of us...
in a manner of speaking, not in the culinary sense, I hope."
-Neelix {ST:Voyager}

"One hologram and one sociopath may not be much of a match for the Kazon, 
but we'll have to do."
-The Doctor {ST:Voyager}

"Sticks and stones won't break my bones, so you can imagine how I feel 
about being called names."
-The Doctor {ST:Voyager}

"Why, of course, the people don't want war. Why would some poor slob on a
farm want to risk his life in a war when the best that he can get out of
it is to come back to his farm in one piece. Naturally, the common people
don't want war; neither in Russia nor in England nor in America, nor for
that matter in Germany. That is understood. But, after all, it is the
leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple
matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy or a fascist
dictatorship or a Parliament or a Communist dictatorship. Voice or no
voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders.
That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and
denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to
danger. It works the same way in any country."
-Hermann Goering, Commander-in-Chief of the Luftwaffe, 18 April 1946

Homer: "Welcome to real life, Lisa. You can't fight City Hall - a.k.a. 
       Blockoland - so don't even try!"
Marge: "What kind of thing is that to tell your children?"
Homer: "It's what I ALWAYS tell them. I told them that twice yesterday, 
       and then again as they were going to sleep."
-Homer & Marge Simpson

"You've filled your memory with nonsense."
-Dr. Zimmerman (diagnostic hologram) {ST:Voyager}

"I am Lucy Liu. Give me your spines."
-Lucy Liu Bot {Futurama}

"When you downloaded her without my permission, you stole my image; and in
the end, that's all I really have. That and the largest gold nugget in the
world, one mile in diameter."
-Lucy Liu {Futurama}

"Mr. Neelix, I would prefer not to hear the life history of my breakfast."
-Lt. Tuvok {ST:Voyager}