"The universe is such a strange place."
-The Doctor {ST:Voyager}

"In a world of declining job opportunities, social unrest, and the ever-
present threat of terrorism, thank the Lord our courts are focusing on the
real threat to our safety: Internet music downloading."
-Robert Igoe

"She must be exhausted from trying to be witty for you all night long."
-Julie Gianni {Vanilla Sky}

Gypsy: "Tom, what's happened? What's wrong with Mike and Crow?"
Servo: "What do you mean?"
Gypsy: "I mean... they're all evil and stuff!"
Servo: "Really? I hadn't noticed."
Gypsy: "Well, don't you think it's just a little weird that we're down 
       here in Deep 13?"
Servo: "Yeah, that is weird. Still, I suppose they do that kind of thing!"
Gypsy: "Tom, it seems as though the ion storm sent us into an evil parallel
       dimension! Our lives are at stake! We can't trust anyone!"
Servo: "Well, okay, let's just try to make the best of it."
-Gypsy & Tom Servo {MST3K}

"Asking female officers for their clothing could lead to misunderstanding."
-Lt. Tuvok {ST:Voyager}

"I don't think it's 'selling out,' because that implies there's something
left to sell."
-Steve Carrell {Tough Crowd}

"I've often wondered how it feels to be someone like you. Ignorance is
bliss, they say. Is that true?"
-Tarik Dozier

"Animals have made people happy, animals have infatuated some people's
imaginations, and even motivated others. Animals have even saved lives.  
So what? I'm still going to eat meat. I'm going to eat meat until I die.  
And when I die, I hope someone eats me too."
-Maddox

"Eat it, everyone who's never won a Nobel Prize! And that includes you, Amy."
-Prof. Hubert Farnsworth {Futurama}

Randall: "Look how scared he is; he's shaking."
Dante:   "No, he's masturbating."
Randall: "Yeah... but... out of fear."
-Randall Graves & Dante Hicks {Clerks}

"So, is everybody happy? Lita's back so that means Raw ratings are going to
skyrocket (among the targeted demographic of 11-19 year old males who don't
watch Monday Night Football or Cartoon Network)."
-Derek Burgan

"Yeah, it's usually best just to leave airheads alone."
-Vash the Stampede {Trigun}

"It is difficult to forget when you're wearing a neurocortical monitor on
your parietal lobe."
-Lt. Tuvok {ST:Voyager}

"Probably how he wanted to go, just out like that. Me, I want to be squashed
by a bull elephant at the moment of orgasm while sandwiched ecstatically
between two or three agile greased Nubian virgins."
-Boris {Death: The Time of Your Life}

"Bill Goldberg is scheduled to work some additional house shows. Many feel 
this is a sign that Bill will capture the World Title at Unforgiven, while 
others think it's just Vince McMahon's plan to injure more of the roster."
-James Guttman

"Thank you, dark forces, oh, thank you!"
-Mandark {Dexter's Laboratory}

"Spot, I have formulated a new mixture of food, specifically designed for
your highly selective tastes. I find it extremely difficult to predict what
you will find acceptable. Perhaps hunger will compel you to try it again."
-Lt. Cmdr. Data {ST:TNG}

Donald:  "I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love; I owned it. Even 
         Sarah didn't have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I 
         want."
Charlie: "But she thought you were pathetic."
Donald:  "That was her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what 
         loves you. That's what I decided a long time ago."
-Donald & Charlie Kaufman {Adaptation.}

"There was a time that to make a copy, you needed a monk, and a desk, and 
months; and then Sean Fanning hit the scene."
-Charles Nesson

"I knew we were gonna die in this place someday; I just always thought it 
was gonna be at each other's hands."
-Randall Graves {Clerks}

"John Cena is more American than silicone strippers."
-John Cena {WWE Smackdown!}

"I need someone who will wipe my bottom with great care and alarm."
-Niles Standish {Crank Yankers}

"Who are you people and what is that thing in your pants?"
-Rain Robinson {ST:Voyager}

"If we didn't work so hard to make money, we wouldn't have to spend so much
to make ourselves feel better about working so hard."
-Joy Lass {Dead Like Me}

"Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak
it to?"
-Clarence Darrow

"'It's not superficial if it enhances your natural beauty.' Hmm. That's an 
advanced modern oxymoron. I like it."
-Gary Busey {I'm With Busey}

"Being in a minority, even a minority of one, did not make you mad. There 
was truth and there was untruth, and if you clung to the truth even against
the whole world, you were not mad.... Sanity is not statistical."
-George Orwell, "1984"

Zeus:   "Perseus has won. My son has triumphed."
Hera:   "A fortunate young man."
Zeus:   "Fortune is ally to the brave."
Thetis: "What a dangerous precedent. What if there are more heroes like 
        him? What if courage and imagination became everyday mortal
        qualities? What will become of us?"
Zeus:   "We would no longer be needed. But, for the moment, there is 
        sufficient cowardice, sloth, and mendacity down there on Earth
        to last forever."
-Zeus, Hera, & Thetis {Clash of the Titans}

"I don't have 'pet peeves,' I have major, psychotic, fucking hatreds."
-George Carlin

"Have you ever had a fantasy where you're going to the doctor's office, 
and a sexy, voluptuous woman in a lab coat and lingerie is waiting there 
to meet you. Me neither; but I thought I'd ask anyway."
-"Mean" Gene Okerlund

"Everyone's had a psychotic girlfriend before, right? Well? Am I right... 
or have I just been that psychotic girlfriend?"
-Victoria {WWE Confidential}

"To the untrained eye, I may appear to be a poor candidate for a
humanitarian; but am I really? All I want is for people to pull their
heads out of their ass. Is that too much to ask for?"
-Maddox

"Most people don't feel comfortable flying commercially with Satan."
-Antoine {Upright Citizens Brigade}

"When I first saw a video, I knew we would never listen to music again...
we would watch it. Now that it's on the internet, we're going to interact
with it; we are going to play with it. I don't know where we are going, but
I'd like to go there. Anytime something is new, it affords you to be more
creative, because as soon as it becomes a commodity, then big business
steps in and it becomes corporate. Then you've got a list of rules."
-Cyndi Lauper

Mom: "Honey, I think there's something wrong with Brak."
Dad: "There's something wrong with all of us, darling."
-Brak's Mom & Dad {The Brak Show}

Shake:   "Does it show girls in the nude?"
Frylock: "Well, it shows a woman without skin, but that's really more 
         about her organs."
-Master Shake & Frylock {Aqua Teen Hunger Force}

Dan:   "So we're two likable guys."
Casey: "I think so."
Dan:   "I think we're very likable."
Casey: "I'm liked wherever I go."
Dan:   "I'm liked wherever I go and wherever you go."
Casey: "We're perfectly likable."
Dan:   "Yes."
Casey: "Yet someone tried to blow us up."
Dan:   "That's what I'm sayin'."
-Dan Rydell & Casey McCall {Sports Night}

"I just wanted to say that if something terrible ever had to happen to one
of us, I'd want it to be you."
-Casey McCall {Sports Night}

"Commercial Break. If you eat at Subway, you eat fresh. If you eat something
you found in the subway, it's probably not so fresh."
-James Guttman

"I'd just like to confirm for everyone that I am Jeremy's girlfriend. I am 
his girlfriend, and he's seen me naked many times. Sometimes I do a little 
dance."
-Natalie Hurley {Sports Night}

"Now pay attention, because as a courtesy, I'm going to lecture you on what
a stupid fool you really are."
-Mr. Nebraska {Trigun}

"We do think in language, and so the quality of our thoughts and ideas could
only be as good as the quality of our language."
-George Carlin

"It's a funny thing, Daria; you give birth to someone, you just get an urge
to keep tabs on them."
-Helen Morgendorffer {Daria}

"I've started 'What.' I've started 'Boring.' Let's see if I can get them to
chant 'cookie dough.' You dare me? Seriously, 'cookie dough.' You dare me?"
-James Guttman, as "Stone Cold" Steve Austin

"Your attention, please. Please yell if you are running for governor."
-Blue Man Group, to audience of California gubernatorial recall candidates

Duckman: "I'm starting to get the strangest urges!"
Charles: "You said you'd see a therapist if that ever started again."
-Eric & Charles Duckman

"Tarik, you're such a smartass. I love it."
-Edythe Dozier

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have
to say something."
-Plato

"Well I'm gonna to go then, and I don't need any of this! I don't need this
stuff, and I don't need you. I don't need anything except this... and that's
it and that's the only thing I need, is this. I don't need this or this. Just
this ashtray... and this paddle game. The ashtray and the paddle game, and 
that's all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and
the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches. The ashtray,
and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp.
The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's
all I need. And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not
one... I need this! The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control,
and the matches, for sure. And this! And that's all I need. The ashtray, the
remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair."
-Navin R. Johnson {The Jerk}

"I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it
seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and 
the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week
again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went
to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back
and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that
started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days
spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so
at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total
of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it
written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it."
-Navin R. Johnson {The Jerk}

"Sometimes after an electrical storm I see in five dimensions. Why are the 
sixty of you looking at me like that?"
-Cornfed {Duckman}

"What a horrible adventure with that ham-demon!" 
-Invader Zim 

"If you have to preface a statement with the words, 'not to be a dick,'
that usually suggests you're going to be one anyway. Indeed, what a piece
of work is a man!"
-Avatar1974

"I'm no square, but isn't that counterindicated by my operations manual?"
-Bender Rodriguez {Futurama}

"This is my soapbox. On it I shall stand, and the rest of you shall stand 
below me. Admire me."
-wompa1

"Every hour injures; the last one kills."
-A.

"I like a wallop of horseradish, so I'm going with four tablespoons for
this amount. If you don't like quite that much heat, feel free to cut
back. If you like a little more, seek professional help."
-Alton Brown {Good Eats}

"Don't hate a shrimp because it's ugly. Hate it because it smells bad."
-Alton Brown {Good Eats}

"If you've never been to Thailand, you might have the misperception that
the entire country is full of Thai hookers. This couldn't be further from
the truth. There are many places in Thailand that are completely free of
hookers. For example, the ticket counter at the airport, and most of the
airport parking lot were quite free of prostitutes."
-Maddox

"To stay on top, you must keep pushing past what you think is strength."
-Mr. Popo {Dragonball}

"That's a mistake, Eugene. Once you start compromising your thoughts,
you're a candidate for mediocrity."
-Arnold Epstein {Biloxi Blues}

"To start with, uh, I'm a robot. I use cyber-based bubble memory. Is THAT
what's confusing you? Is it that I work off UNIX and can use a variety of
operating systems? Well... I've undergone a complex personal evolution
wherein painful confusion has given way to what I like to think of as some
degree of wisdom culminating in my current Zarathustrian sense of self. Is
that it? Is it that I often panic when making sandwiches? Is it that I
smell conspiracy in everything and I don't know what I mean most of the
time? Is it an odor?"
-Crow T. Robot {MST3K}

"A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers
are still the best way to take a baby's temperature... plus, it really
teaches the baby who's boss."
-Tina Fey {SNL}

"Colonel Sanders is the founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken, a restaurant in
the U.S. dedicated to serving delicious fried chicken and taking over the
world. He is in cahoots with the President of the U.S. and the Queen of
England to addict the population to his secret formula of seven herbs and
spices before launching his plan of conquest."
-kosk11348

Ecks:  "Where did you get all this ordinance?"
Sever: "Some women collect shoes...."
-Agent Jeremiah Ecks & Agent Sever {Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever}

"I am a guy who likes a thoughtless action film more often than not. I love
thoughtful ones, but the thoughtless ones can truly be fun. I was expecting
something along those lines when I came to see Ballistic. What it turned
out to be was a number of explosions that seemed to occur for no reason
whatsoever. To say there was little plot bringing these explosions together
is a given."
-Frank Milne

Devil:  "Ahhh! What an appallingly ironic outcome!"
Bender: "It's not ironic, it's just coincidental!"
-The Robot Devil & Bender Rodriguez {Futurama}

"I don't recall ever fighting Godzilla, but that's SO what I would have done."
-Bender Rodriguez {Futurama}

"Man, you're lucky trees are so stupid."
-Frylock {Aqua Teen Hunger Force}

"Anyone building a 'Death Star' is hardly innocent."
-Stapa-Bomar

"Anyone who has an emotional bond with McDonald's, or anyone who can relate
anything they love about life to a company that sells deep fried processed
chicken meat should be stabbed in the face."
-Maddox

"The word, Toni, is 'word.'"
-Christopher "Kid" Reid {Sealab 2021}

"You didn't expect me to substitute your judgment for mine, did you?"
-Isaac Jaffe {Sports Night}

"Most ducks would like to forget it, but the fact is that humans like to eat
plump, attractive ducks. Humans don't eat cats. Why? They're indispensable; 
they catch mice. Humans don't eat roosters. Why? They make eggs with the 
hens and wake everyone up in the morning. I tried it with the hens... it 
didn't work. So I turned to crowing, and lo, I discover my gift."
-Ferdinand, the duck {Babe}

"I suppose the life of an anorexic duck doesn't amount to much in the broad
scheme of things."
-Ferdinand, the duck {Babe}

"You've displayed such an appallingly thorough lack of basic comprehension
that the only quandary it presents to me is simply one of whether to laugh
or cry."
-Tarik Dozier

Mo:  "I was busy waiting all night for the Columbus Day Bunny to come down
     my chimney and light fireworks in my pumpkin."
Jon: "There's so much wrong with that."
Mo:  "Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot you were Jewish."
-Mo Rocca & Jon Stewart {The Daily Show}

Jon:    "Isn't it true that if you lick a frog, you start to get crazy
        thoughts?"
Kermit: "If you lick a frog, you were crazy to start with."
-Jon Stewart & Kermit the Frog {The Daily Show}

"Good evening, and welcome to the Pit of Penultimate Darkness. Apparently,
someone's opened a pit slightly darker than this one. I'm, of course, MC
Simon Milligan, master of funk... and EVIL. Today, we will look at the
evil you kids can have on a rainy day. Did you know you could summon up
the powers of darkness in the comfort of your own home? It's true! All you
need is common household baking soda, white vinegar and... goat's blood.  
You might want to get your mom to help with the slaughter of the goat."
-Simon Milligan {KitH}

"Man, that boy was bagged and tagged the minute they cut his orders to this
place. They should've just shot him at home."
-Lt. Hawthorne {Casualties of War}

Trevor: "One wish, and it's yours."
Cybil:  "Anything?"
Trevor: "Just no heads on plates."
-Trevor Goodchild & Cybil {Aeon Flux}

"There was a time when the trend was for our elected officials to be the
veterans of wars or the struggle for civil rights. But with the election
of Jesse Ventura in Minnesota and Arnold Schwarzenegger in Caifornia, the
we can see now that new trend is the election of the cast of the movie,
Predator. Just imagine it; Governor Carl Weathers... Senator Predator.  
I'm sure he's got some very interesting things to say about tort reform."
-Steve Carell {The Daily Show}

"Hello, I'm A. Whitney Brown. Some day, I hope to be THE Whitney Brown."
-A. Whitney Brown

"Do not patronize me, boy. I invented physics."
-Sir Isaac Newton {ST:TNG}

"I think the article is a little vague on the details. What they meant to
say was that the iPod flows with gusto and verve, with nuanced palpability
that is suprisingly smooth and spacious, with harmonic undertones that
languidly coil around your nerve endings and deliver liquid bliss combined
with in-your-face bravado and euphonic outlines, providing a sonic womb
with a sugar-sweet coating of midbass impedance resonance."
-One Louder

"Is the McMahon family normal?"
-Michael Cole {WWE Smackdown!}

"Do not stop whisking at this point, or sadness will result."
-Alton Brown {Good Eats}

"It's bad for whales to get extincted. Let's clean up the lakes so whales
can be okay. I mean, how can you call yourselves 'people' when all you do
is sit around, man, and get jobs and eat whales and take jobs from whales,
and some of you do things to help, but other people just don't ever even
do nothing! And it makes me SO MAD! Wait, what were we talking about?"
-Sky {SNL}

"Oh yeah, I hate the rainforest. There's just too many rainforests and
they're, like, taking over the land! The time has come to stand and fight!
Yeah, I mean if we all don't band together and BURN all the rainforests,
there's going to be monkeys running our cities. It's just going to be like
Planet of the Apes. People, you've seen the movie! You know it's coming!
Rainforests are the DEVIL! We've got to kill the DEVIL! We gotta pull out
all the stops, and hire way more cops. The damn TREES! The damn TREES!"
-Sky {SNL}

Mindy: "What the hell do you think you're doing? I mean, are you insane?!"
Sky:   "No, I'm just very opinionated."
-Mindy & Sky {SNL}

"You hypocritically presume that your democratic system gives you a moral
prerogative to force other cultures to conform to your politics."
-Kerla {Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country}

"Can't one dinner go by without you talking about your rotting corpse?"
-Eleanor Sherman {The Critic}

"He looks like Leif Garrett threw up on him. There's just something about 
that outfit that screams, 'make me your prison bitch!'"
-Kathleen Dickason, watching Shawn Michaels

"In other words, you haven't actually so much made an argument per se as
you have merely, well... said some stuff. The stuff you've said is nicely-
formatted, but that doesn't make it at all interesting."
-Tarik Dozier

"Good friends are like toasters. If you throw them down the stairs, they
won't make you toast anymore."
-A.

"Hundreds of husbands who fall out of love with their wives don't kill them."
-Larry King

"See, check it, MC Pee-Pants doesn't just want candy now - that's childish.
He needs it. And when you need something, that's a responsibility, that only
an adult of my maturity.... Bunnies!" 
-Meatwad {Aqua Teen Hunger Force}

"It takes an idiot to do cool things. That's why it's cool."
-Haruko Haruhara {FLCL}

"Whup! Lights broken... cameras broken... jobs lost."
-Renay San Miguel {CNN}

"Nothing annoys me more than someone who partially suspends their disbelief.
If you are willing to accept one exaggeration in a movie, then accept them
all."
-java

"The worst thing about being an actress is that if you are really smart, no
one will ever know about it."
-Alanna Ubach

"Do you think that God lives in heaven because he, too, is afraid of what 
he's created here on Earth?"
-Dr. Romero {Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams}

"Oh, don't even start! Just wait 'til Mom finds out you tried to take over 
the world again."
-Gertrude Giggles {Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams}

"It's a long way away, but I wanna do this until I die."
-Emily Jordan Osment

"If there is an Anti-Christ, Quentin Tarantino is it. I'll be right beside
him every step of the way!"
-omnimutant