"Stop it, Tarik; you're making my nipples hard." -Sara Vannice "Comparing the Mac OS to Windows 95 is a bit like comparing a real woman with a transvestite. He might walk the walk, but...." -Illya Kuryakin "Attempting to rule the world is a highly dangerous activity, best left to professional criminals." -Geoffrey Brent "Physicists don't believe in wizards - a fact that I, being a wizard, find highly insulting. I have taken my revenge, therefore, by refusing to believe in physicists." -Zifnab (Elven Star) "Sigs are a desperate attempt to get attention. 'People who quote themselves show their own foolishness.' - Me" -Quoc Vuong (in his sig) "Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it." -Goethe "Elitism has destroyed every organization that has practiced it." -D. Bucky LaDieu "If you upgrade from Windoze 3.1 to Windoze 95, are the bugs compatible?" -Stuart Owen "Windows 95: It's like upgrading from Reagan to Bush..." -Andy Ihnatko "Don't worry... Jason sometimes forgets that most people don't make staying online a semi-permanent recreational sport." -Josh Laff "Have you ever gotten sick of hearing AT&T take credit for things that they didn't invent? You will." -Dave Hamilton "The task of an educator should be to irrigate the desert, not clear the forest." -Cameron Simpson "The greatest thing about my success is how it astonishes everyone who used to know me!" -Mike Sandburg "I'm sorry if this does not exist for UNIX systems and Windows, though it may. Windows users, at least are used to half-architected systems." -David Graham Greenlie "...And if you believe in dreams - or what is more important, that a dream can come true - I will meet you." -Bjork Gudmundsdottir, "I Miss You" "How long a minute is depends which side of the bathroom door you're on." -Lorena Cappellone "Schizophrenia beats being alone." -Lorena Cappellone "The day when you believe that you know everything is merely the day that you stop learning." -Alan Cowap "Show me a man who has never been wrong, and I will show you a man that has never been!" -Alan Cowap "On Blue-Eyed-Pop, Lorena Cappellone wrote: > Yeah...how about us all walking (skipping??) down the streets of > Reykjavik (or wherever it is that we'll be) singing Bjork and > Sugarcubes songs at the top of our lungs?? And of course, we can > arrange the songs into SATB or two part harmonies or even have people > singing Einar's part in all the Sugarcubes songs!! If his vocal > contributions seem to annoy some of us Beppers, imagine how fellow > Icelanders will like it!!! There's only one problem with this... Do we all go down one street, being extremely annoying to the people on it, or do we split up and take on all of Reykjavik, annoying the entire population so there is generally no escape?" -Quoc Vuong "If you feel like putting ten butterflies/moths (fjärilar) in your mouth, it doesn't mean you have to run out and find ten (fjärilar) and actually do it." -Bjork Gudmundsdottir "Does [Bjork] have a dog/cat/other pet? If so, we NEED to kill it. No stalker is a REAL stalker until he kills his victim's pet." -David Mixon "I always liked the idea of an enigma, to create something beautiful and then to destroy it, to write a great poem and finish it off with something completey inappropriate, to bring chaos to carefully constructed order, it jests at the futility of it all (no I am not ranting from a pro-nihlist standpoint - nihlists, a priori, aren't so inclined). There is just something very desirable about the uncertainty-of-purpose, and that can captivate people." -Alan Cowap "Laugh and the whole world laughs with you; cry, and the whole world laughs AT you." -Alan Cowap "Life's a Bitch, and so is Death." -Alan Cowap "Tarik, get that rat out of your pants!" -Eva Schillace "A real patriot is the one who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works." -Lorena Cappellone "The person who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone they can blame it on." -Lorena Cappellone "A dangerous man is a man with nothing better to do." -David Mixon "I know the secret use of the spatula." -Prof. Douglas Bowman "Okay... so now that you're a riot grrrl combat dyke, what are you planning to do next?" -Tarik Dozier "Tourists do not, as a rule, attempt to set up festivals in the countries they visit. Tourists simply check into hotel rooms, arrange for guides to show them around if possible, take in the natural splendors of the region, kill some of the natives, and then leave. Many of them find the experience very pleasurable." -Leonard Johnson "Tarik... I may have to kick your ass..." -Rose Marshack "Don't just question authority... question EVERYTHING." -Jello Biafra "Why do we have to hide from the police, Daddy?" "Because we use vi, son. They use emacs." -Dave Fischer "Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea: massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind- boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it." -Gene Spafford "Just because something is hypertext, doesn't make it true..." -Mark Armantrout "I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it." -Jack Handey "All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific." -Lily Tomlin {The Search For Signs of Intelligent Life In The Universe} "Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change." -A. "Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world." -Dave Barry "I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." -A. Whitney Brown "Out the 10Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the leased line, off the bridge, past the firewall...nothing but 'Net." -A. "There are two types of people in this world... those who choose to divide the world into two types, and those who don't." -Tarik Dozier "The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please divide by 0 and try again." -A. "Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again." -F. P. Jones "Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars, too!" -Jack Handey "C code. C code run. Run, code, run!" -A. "I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am!" -{Monty Python} "May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house." -George Carlin "My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right." -Ashleigh Brilliant "An Animated Cartoon Theology: 1. People are animals. 2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain. 3. Life is antagonistic to the living. 4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music. 5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning. 6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum. 7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us." -E. L. Doctorow {The Book of Daniel} "Another similarity is that Rush Limbaugh and Barney are both purple, or would be if someone had the good sense to wrap some piano wire around Rush's neck..." -{alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die} "The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them." -William Clayton "Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely." -Tarik Dozier "When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities." -Matt Groening (Life in Hell) "Things should be as simple as possible, but not simpler." -Albert Einstein "...Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, you would not have been informed." -A. "The Church of the SubGenius is, in a word, PINK." -Priestess Alabastrozenithia #include #include #include #include char make_prog_look_big[1600000]; main() { if (detect_OS2()) freeze(); if (detect_cache()) disable_cache(); if (fast_cpu()) set_wait_states(lots); set_mouse(speed, very_slow); set_mouse(action, jumpy); set_mouse(reaction, sometimes); set_icons(UGLY); print("Welcome to Windoze 3.11111"); if (system_ok()) crash(to_dos_prompt); else system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE); while(1) { sleep(5); get_user_input(); sleep(5); act_on_user_input(); sleep(5); if (rand() < 0.9) crash(complete_system); } return(unrecoverable_system); } -Anders Lang "Well, Tarik, you ARE the model of a perfect human being." -Dawn Carson "I'm not obsessed with her; I'm just admiring her legs." -Christina Cary "Windows 95 can bite my ass." -Rose Marshack "Maturity is a boring state of mind." -Katie Kosfeld "My major is media studies and my minor is sociology, which means I watch a lot of TV and then bitch about how society is going to hell because everyone watches too much television." -Katie Kosfeld "She's fisting your cow." -Tarik Dozier "You're spanking my cow!" -Christina Cary "I'm fingering your cow. 'Milk me,' she says. 'Pull my nipples.'" -Maggie Undisclosed "And thus we have the plot to an interesting story." -Christina Cary "Shut up, Tarik. Shut up now, before I have to spank you." -Christina Cary "You are more important to me than loud things." -September "Aerobies are like orgies; and boomerangs are more like masturbation." -Douglas Bowman "Yes... and even still, it's all in the wrist." -Megan Robin-Abbot "I imagine that [Bjork] was kind of a neighborhood menace, wandering around eating dirt and playing in someone's yard where she wasn't welcome." -Raymond Vellani "Once you reach the rooftop, you must kick the ladder away." -Ludwig Wittgenstein "Put another way, if you picture using the root account as wearing a special magic hat that gives you lots of power, so that you can, by waving your hand, destroy entire cities, it is a good idea to be a bit careful about what you do with your hands. Since it is easy to move your hand in a destructive way by accident, it is not a good idea to wear the magic hat when it is not needed, despite the wonderful feeling." -Matt Welsh "Never attribute to malice anything which can be attributed to stupidity." -Matt Welsh "-Entertaining The Audience With Your Spit- We could spit We could spit at each other We could spit and catch it We could spit at each other and catch it We could spit at each other; pass it all around the whole band, and then spit it out into the audience to share it with them..." -Rose Marshack "I love mankind, it's people I can't stand." -Linus Van Pelt "Byltingin byrjar i svefnherberginu." "The revolution begins in the bedroom." -Andre Breton "God, Linux running on a piece of toast would outperform SCO." -Leo Pereira "If I were God, I'd have a NeXT." -Ian Cardenas "Anyone not out of the lab in 5 minutes owes me a safe word." -Laura Bunting "If you're watching this and you're still in the closet, you're lucky, because I don't understand how you can get cable in there." -Patrick Stewart (on Comedy Central's "Out There") "Sometimes you don't want sense. Sometimes the last thing in the world you need is sense. Work a thing through until it makes sense and you lose all the possibilities." -Charles de Lint "It had startled her to find him standing outside her mind since he had barely left it for the past week." -Emily Bickell "There are certain things human beings are not permitted to know... like what we're doing." -William Burroughs "The world isn't flat. It's actually +6 dBa at 5.7 kHz." -FSCFRA 1994 "There is only one success... to be able to spend your life in your own way." -Christopher Morley "Phasers don't kill people... unless you set them too high." -Pel Unanue "Why can't they see what's around them? Maybe they should all move to Illinois for a couple of years, amongst the corn, so they could learn what life is all about." -Rose Marshack "If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done." -Scott Adams "In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular." -Lorena Cappellone "Let him who is stoned cast the first sin." -Peter Unanue "There are exactly three kinds of mathematicians: the ones who can count, and the ones who can't." -Miroslav Jurisic "If there's been a way to build it, there'll be a way to destroy it. Things are not all that out of control." -Stereolab, "Crest" "I think it went fine. An added bonus: Someone from the crowd yelled, 'I WANT TO JUMP YOU'. I think it was 'jump.' I hope it was." -Rose Marshack "If anyone has a problem with anything about our set, I am going to be over there at the t-shirt booth after we play, and I invite you now, to please come kick my ass, after the show." -Rose Marshack "Next, a guy said, 'What's the chick going to do on the stage, masturbate?' Later on, a bunch of guys were yelling, 'Show US YOUR TITS,' so I yelled, 'Show Me Your Dick.' They did. I wish the microphone would have been on; there are way too many jokes a person could make in this situation." -Rose Marshack "If you still can't figure out how to get on the list, you're probably a 'Family Circus' fan anyway and not destined to mingle with the new ruling class except maybe as domestic help." -Scott Adams "I came this close to Elvis, but my shovel broke." -Lorena Cappellone "I like children, but they must be well cooked." -Lorena Cappellone "All opinions are mine; mine, I tell you! BWAH-HA-HA!" -Mario Cavallini "There are many factors which can influence the speed of the connection; not just the client's modem speed. For instance: the type of computer the server is running on, the number of accesses, the time of day, the score of last night's game, the relative positions of Ganymede and Europa, etc." -David Levine "Now the time has come for us to mount our donkeys and leave, for you are beginning to bore our clearly deranged minds." -Dave Foley {The Kids in the Hall} "I live in fear of not being misunderstood." -Oscar Wilde "The world doesn't need another record, so if you are going to make one, you better have a good reason for doing so." -David Sylvian "Indeed, it would not be an exaggeration to describe the history of the computer industry for the past decade as a massive effort to keep up with Apple." -Byte Magazine, December 1994 "The tricks of today might be the standards of tomorrow. And the standards of today may well be the joke of tomorrow." -Tor Rognmo "We pledge that our games will effectively help our customers avoid work, put their personal lives in stasis and test their self-esteem to its core, and afterwards, they will swear it was worth it." -Bungie Software, authors of "Marathon" "Games everyone played as a kid -- Tag, King of the Hill, Kill the Guy with the Ball and more -- can now be played in Marathon's virtual environment while heavily armed." -Bungie Software