"There's no reason to call a song 'Disco-something.'" -Rick Valentin, Poster Children "When quantum computers first come to fruition, the best part will be reminiscing about how terrible computers were 'back in the day.'" -CowboyNeal "How can you describe something that is supposedly above and beyond the universe by using terms and concepts that adhere to and exist within the universe?" -b13793 "My use of the word, 'plot,' is a reference to the meaning attributed by others to this specific word when speaking about film or storytelling in general; i.e. a 'plot' means that the events that occur before you actually make rational/logical sense. If you use this perspective when you think about human existence, you'll hopefully conclude that although events occur in life that perhaps also make sense in a smaller scale, existence - as a whole - is not understandable." -Lickle Sound Bwoy "It's no use. We've been to every scuzzy bazaar in the galaxy, including Pottery Barn." -Philip Fry {Futurama} "Most ten-year-olds I know already know plenty about oral sex. I mean, they did live through the Clinton administration. Now they get to learn the really fun stuff, like war and religious extremism and imperialism gone awry." -oisin718 "This [my gun] always made me feel like a man, y'know. Now I'll just have to rely on my enormous genitals." -Eddie {The Simpsons} "Maybe I'm just old, but at forty, I guess I am more disturbed by real problems like suitcase nukes, anthrax, and the continuing success of Full House in syndication." -isley1 "Now comes the 'awkward silence' portion of the debate." -Miss Bitters {Invader Zim} Lisa: "We were just playing." Homer: "What game?" Lisa: "'Let's Eat Maggie.'" -Lisa & Homer Simpson "I'll give you this; you certainly are very good at saying a great deal of nothing. It is unfortunate, though, that many multiples of null content still remain null content, else you might have actually said something meaningful." -Tarik Dozier "It's nice of you guys to say that, but I'm no more amazing than you are." -Vash the Stampede {Trigun} "I think that young girls should not dress like whores until they're old enough to get wasted." -Mishna Wolff {Tough Crowd} Alkazar: "Leela, this must all be very confusing." Leela: "A little. That's why I've decided to hurt you until you explain it." -Alkazar & Turanga Leela {Futurama} "As you may presently yourself fully be aware of, my grammar sucks!" -{Family Guy} "In tonight's chapter of the story, Vince McMahon finally lost his mind; the irony being that when considering recent storylines, it was rather difficult to notice the difference." -Tarik Dozier "Bow down, bow down before the power of Santa, or be crushed, be crushed by his jolly boots of doom." -{Invader Zim} "But wait! Will you listen to the evil robot boy who destroyed Santa, or will you listen to the Easter Platypus? Easter shrimp for all if you tackle the boy who destroyed Santa!" -Invader Zim Sludgy: "That's the story of the most horrible Christmas ever. But Zim and Dib were wrong that day. Santa wasn't destroyed; Santa lives on." Girl: "In the hearts and minds of us all?" Sludgy: "No. In space, gathering power! And every Christmas he returns to Earth; and that's why we all live in this protective dome. Looks like Santa's here! Raise the shields, children!" -Mr. Sludgy & Little Girl {Invader Zim} "From my calculations, there are over 1400 pounds of beef in the ring." -Michael Cole {WWE Smackdown!} "Obligatory lame joke: If all the matter in the universe hurtles out of a singularity, and nobody is around to hear it... well, you know the rest." -nametaken "I want to create a new fashion store, like Hot Topic, but with things nobody wants. I call it 'Offtopic.'" -Bryn M. Kinsa: "He's here!" Rowan: "Quiet!" Kinsa: "But if he's here, he'll kill us." Rowan: "Be quiet! One more sound and I'll snap your neck myself. Got it?" Nessa: "She's good with people." -Kinsa, Rowan, & Janessa {Jason X} "What part of 'unstoppable killing machine' was unclear to you people?" -Tarik Dozier "You're lucky you weren't alive during the Microsoft Conflict. Hell, we were beatin' each other with our own severed limbs." -Crutch {Jason X} "Everyone seems to set about making the impossible things in television shows become a reality. Perhaps we need to start a show where geeks get laid by hot chicks all the time?" -Peter Sharpuk "My vocal abilities are rather elastic, including a wide variety and age range from signature straight, to character, animation, and alarmingly realistic animal sound effects - which Mom always said would come in handy some day. Well, actually it was more like, 'Stop it! You're scaring the cats!' but I chose to take that as encouragement." -Marsha Crenshaw Prof: "What's your brother doing this time? He's not trying to raise the dead again, is he? Oh, he's with the dead, that boy." Gaz: "He's... talking." Prof: "Oh, is that all? Daughter, some people like to talk. Your brother likes to talk about INSANE THINGS! Maybe he'll become less insane if you listen." Gaz: "But his voice fills me with a terrible rage!" Prof: "I know it does, honey. I know it does." -Professor Membrane & Gaz {Invader Zim} Tallest: "How do you know that?" Zim: "Oh, I know all kinds of things about you. Pretty creepy, huh? Anyhow, I was...." Tallest: "HEY! That IS creepy! You're creepy, Zim." Zim: "Heh, heh. Yes, I sure am." -Almighty Tallest Purple & Zim {Invader Zim} Prof: "Son, there'd better not be any walking dead up there!" Dib: "It's nothing to worry about, Dad; and I said I was sorry about that!" -Professor Membrane & Dib {Invader Zim} "Certain souls seem hard because they are capable of strong feelings, and they sometimes go to rather extreme lengths; their apparent unconcern and cruelty are but ways, known only to themselves, of feeling more strongly than others." -Marquis de Sade "If someone is going to film school without being a film buff, they need to get their life together and choose a real major." -FilmTx "I guess if you want children beaten, you have to do it yourself." -Bender Rodriguez {Futurama} "I had to stop drinking, though, because there's nothing worse than waking up next to someone one morning and you can't remember their name... or how you met them... or why they're dead." -Laura Kightlinger "Right-o gents, it's another simulation gone mad, so... murder and mayhem, standard procedure!" -Prof. Moriarty {Futurama} "HEY! HEY! HEY! HEYYYY! HEY, EVERYONE! HEY, EVERYONE, HEY! Come on over, everyone, and help us eat this little boy!" -Robomom {Invader Zim} Leela: "Man, I'm sore all over. I feel like I just went ten rounds with mighty Thor." Fry: "I feel like I was mauled by Jesus." -Turanga Leela & Philip Fry {Futurama} "I know it's a 'sin' to say that, but hey, like I care what a bunch'a closed-minded halfwits think." -The Irregularity Zim: "You're nothing, Earth-boy! Go home and shave your giant head of smell with your bad self!" Dib: "Okay.... There's all kinds of things wrong with what you just said." -Zim & Dib {Invader Zim} "Why can't I tinker with the fabric of existence?" -Lisa Simpson "Slashdot moderation has hit an all-time low. Even I wouldn't have modded that post 'insightful,' and I'm the one who wrote it!" -Bendebecker "Spare me your space-age technobabble, Attila the Hun." -Zapp Brannigan {Futurama} "I wasn't aware of some 'eyes in the back of your head' technique. I guess I should take some night classes." -Master Roshi {Dragonball} "There are no small heroes, only sidekicks." -Chi-Chi {Dragonball} "This guy's a psychopath; he's from Australia. Anybody from Australia is a psycho. You know that, don't you?" -Brock Lesnar "Now, once you've got the olive oil on, you're going to season the leaves with a heavy pinch of kosher salt. You can go with a little less if you use sea salt and if you decide to use regular table salt, well just don't make Caesar [salads] at all, then." -Alton Brown {Good Eats} "I was in total agreement with you until you mentioned that you own Time Cop. All the copies of that movie should be flattened by steam rollers and then burned. I have it on high authority that the government is funding a time machine capable of transporting soldiers back in time to stop the film from ever having been made." -kosk11348 "Oh, he's just playing, Hank. 'Gangstas and Hoes' is just his generation's 'Cowboys and Indians.'" -Peggy Hill {King of the Hill} "Maybe it's just me, but I'd rather that Bobby be in one of those Christian gangs instead of one of those murdering gangs." -Peggy Hill {King of the Hill} "You're insane; there's no such thing as an 'unnecessary nude scene.' What will you invent next, 'gratuitous violence?'" -Jonathan Rimorin "Oh, time to repress another memory. I. Am. At. Disneyland. DISNEYLAND!" -Bart Simpson "Lisa, marriage is a beautiful thing; but it's also a constant battle for moral superiority, so I CAN'T apologize." -Marge Simpson "I'm sorry; the position of Annoying Talking Animal has already been taken." -Donkey {Shrek 2} "With him, it just goes in one ear and... not even out the other; it just gets lost in that cavern. Perhaps that's why his head is cluttered with such nonsense. Perhaps we'll all luck out, and his head will explode." -Tarik Dozier "The only thing keepin' me from kickin' his ass is that I'm a cartoon character." -Dr. Quentin Quinn [as] King: "Besides, this is a family show. I can't believe you just called Christian a 'creepy little bastard.'" Ross: "Well, you know he is." -Jerry "The King" Lawler & Jim Ross {WWE Raw} "We lost half a day due to upgrades. It would have been nice to have new cards, but having 1.4 terabytes is nicer. For the technology impaired, 1.4 terabytes = assload." -[adult swim] "Does anyone ever get tired about discussing the physics of a fake reality?" -vloj Melissa: "Brendon, this is the worst ending ever." Jason: "In my opinion, this is the worst movie ever." Brendon: "Well, how should I end it?" Melissa: "Just turn off the camera." -Melissa Robbins, Jason Panopolis, & Brendon Small {Home Movies} "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out." -Charles Castle "As far as I'm concerned, the world is made far more frightening a place by people who insist that someone or something must absolutely fall into only one of two wholly subjective categories, despite evidence to the contrary." -Tarik Dozier "My fellow Earthicans, as I discuss in my book, Earth In the Balance - and the much more popular Harry Potter and the Balance of Earth - we need to defend our planet against pollution... as well as dark wizards." -Al Gore {Futurama} "It is said that what is called 'the spirit of an age' is something to which one cannot return. That this spirit gradually dissipates is due to the world's coming to an end. In the same way, a single year does not have just spring or summer. A single day, too, is the same. For this reason, although one would like to change today's world back to the spirit of one hundred years or more ago, it cannot be done. Thus it is important to make the best out of every generation. This is the mistake of people who are attached to past generations; they have no understanding of this point. On the other hand, people who only know the disposition of the present day and dislike the ways of the past are too lax." -Yamamoto Tsunemoto, "Hagakure: The Book of the Samuari" "And then it's possible to talk to someone without any lies; with no sarcasms, no deceptions, no exaggerations, or any of the other things people use to confuse the truth." -Jeremy Reed {Powder} Alton: "Are you an agent or a hitman?" Agent: "Aw, I'm sorry; I used to be in advertising." Alton: "Oh." -Alton Brown & Sweet Potato's Agent {Good Eats} "Recently I heard the saying, "Often, silence is the best answer.' I will refrain from partaking of the wisdom in that statement by calling you an idiot." -Capitaine Beufcack "This is hard work. I can honestly say that I don't think you realize just how difficult it is to be me. That I see the world as I do and realize the utterly irredeemable ridiculousness of it all - the ignorance and chronic stupidity of so many of its inhabitants - but have not chosen to dedicate myself to the task of building a doomsday device is, in my eyes, a truly unmistakable sign of extraordinary restraint." -Tarik Dozier "Are they that arrogant to think that there is such great value is being able to watch their latest multi-million dollar dreg on a seventeen-inch monitor a few days early? Such is the glamourous life these pirates live! I bet they cruise the strip in their Caddies, picking up babes left and right by waving their Matrix Revolutions screener out the window and flashing their platinum teeth. Bling bling!" -cK-Gunslinger "You smell like dead bunnies!" -Ralph Wiggum {The Simpsons} "The true irony is that such an arrogant prick can, at the same time, be such a buffoon. I have few cardinal rules, but one of them is that the arrogant should at least be able to demonstrate some noticeable degree of intelligence." -Ms. Chaos "Funny, isn't it, how I don't care about what you just said? Funny." -Zorak {The Brak Show} "You'd better be better than 'fine.' Now GREASE UP AND GET IN THE SINK!" -Zorak {The Brak Show} "I urge you all today, especially today during these times of chaos and war, to love yourself without reservations and to love each other without restraint. Unless you're into leather. Then, by all means, use restraints." -Margaret Cho "Ah, nothing brightens up a window quite like Strong Sad's severed head." -Strong Bad "It's a JOKE! When you give me that look, it's a joke!" -Krusty {The Simpsons} "You still think it's a joke? Good; that's the way we want you to feel about it... for now." -Orson Welles Lisa: "Does it make you feel superior to tear down people's dreams?" Declan: "Yes. Does it make you feel smart to tear down people's motives?" -Lisa Simpson & Declan Desmond {The Simpsons} "We also run the world. You see, you've actually stumbled across the REAL Illuminati. Look out of your window. See that guy across the street staring at your window? He's with us." -Paul Robinson (IETF list) "Now pushing sugar to the limit doesn't take much skill; but nerves of steel are a plus, because basically you're playing chicken with the sugar. You see, you want it dark, really dark cause that's where the roasty, toasty flavors are. But things are moving so fast now that if you answer the phone, yell at the dog, see who's at the door, stop to take a picture of that UFO or brush that tarantula from your shoulder you could end up with a pan load of carbon. Now it's getting darker. Darker. But wait. Wait. Don't look at the UFO. Wait." -Alton Brown {Good Eats} "What are you, stupid? Everyone knows the bunny rabbit of DOOM is allergic to chocolate." -[adult swim] "You're starting to sound stupid. You look stupid. You know, I think there might be a good chance here that you are stupid." -Paul Robinson "Seven sixteenths of one inch. That's the distance you'd have to move your pinky in order to not sound like an idiot. I know the burden of pressing shift to capitalize is a great one, but c'mon, Turing, you can do better than that. I used to type emails in caps like yours, but then I decided that I didn't want a job mixing concrete." -Maddox "You know what the best thing about knowing that the nerds you picked on will always be more successful, have hotter girlfriends, a home that doesn't have wheels, and a stock portfolio with numbers larger than you can count is? Doesn't matter, get me a coffee." -Maddox "Dakota Fanning is like the iPod of acting; she's got every possible thing programmed in her. It's, like, creepy. She's great." -Alec Baldwin "Many of your earthly ways are still strange to me... but that was 'just plain creepy,' correct?" -Starfire {Teen Titans} "If you think I just want to be right purely for the sake of being right where others are wrong, or merely to receive the accolades of others, then you simply don't know me. I want everyone to be right; I want everyone to be smarter. That they happen to agree with me is merely incidental to my cause; I would be quite content if my input was not required." -Tarik Dozier "Think about it; two movies in the same series released in the same year have grossed well over a billion dollars at the box office. They're just movies! What you keep in your memory is the entire value of the product; you don't even get to take anything tangible home with you. That this is considered a disappointment a the box office is a sad, sad statement about modern society. If that's disappointing, our values are completely screwed up, perhaps beyond repair." -Ms. Chaos "It's our flag too. It belongs to us as much as it belongs to you." -Poster Children, "Flag" "Don't worry about me; I'm not afraid of monsters... but I DO fear SHARP SPIKES." -Chi-Chi {Dragonball} "Goku, I think we're in trouble. Shadowy figures and mist can't be good." -Chi-Chi {Dragonball} Goku: "Don't worry!" Chi-Chi: "Are we seeing the same creature? This is the perfect time to worry!" -Goku & Chi-Chi {Dragonball} "Dark world? Evil? Those are just stories to keep away the tourists." -Gohan {Dragonball} Mayor: "Are these morons in this town getting dumber or just louder?" Aide: "Dumber, sir." -Mayor Joe Quimby & his aide {The Simpsons} "Oh, love is real enough; you will find it someday, but it has one archenemy - and that is life." -Jean Anouilh, Ardele "If you were MY kids, you'd get quite a talking to... from your father... when he got home from the Senate." -Turanga Leela {Futurama} Cubert: "Hey, Leela. Help me apply these flame details I got in my cereal. They make the ship go faster." Leela: "And what's your scientific basis for thinking that?" Cubert: "I'm twelve." -Cubert Farnsworth & Turanga Leela {Futurama} "Preliminary reports indicate record sales at many outlets. But remember, Thanksgiving weekend normally accounts for ten percent of all holiday sales, so there is still a long way to go before we find out whether we consumed enough to make Jesus happy." -Jon Stewart {The Daily Show} "I like this whole 'government' thing; I think it's gonna catch on. I think other countries are really going to get into the idea of democracy... and if they don't... then we'll MAKE them." -Jon Stewart {The Daily Show} "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do." -Ralph Waldo Emerson "It's not the worst thing in the world to be a spammer, nor is it the worst thing to hit someone with a baseball bat." -A. "And just let me tell you; in the Evil Olympics, nobody wins, and everyone usually gets burnt or gouged with something." -William Beckerson "Look at the person sitting next to you; you probably have a lot in common. I can beat the hell out of both of you, AND YOU KNOW IT!" -Brock Lesnar {WWE Smackdown!} "Winning the big lawsuit: whatever it costs to pay the lawyers. Proving your business strategy: whatever it costs to pay the lawyers. Telling the entire tech industry, 'don't fuck with me': priceless." -overbom, re. SCO v. IBM "I tell you, after a hard day of looting and pillaging, there is no greater city than Gomorrah... except maybe Sodom." -Arpid {The Scorpion King} Arpid: "So where are we going?" Mathayus: "The Valley of the Dead." Arpid: "The Valley of the Dead? Nobody goes to the Valley of the Dead! THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT 'THE VALLEY OF THE DEAD!'" -Arpid & Mathayus {The Scorpion King}