"The problem with the world is that the stupid are cocksure while the
intelligent are full of doubt."
-Bertrand Russel

"When one bases one's identity on a lifestyle, isn't one confusing the
artifice with its creator, the house with its occupant, the facade with
the feeling self? A house without an occupant is not a home, a lifestyle
without a self is not a person."
-Dr. Alexander Lowen, Narcissism: Denial of the True Self

"My dear Nigel, the way to a woman's heart is through the elimination of 
her rivals."
-Bianca {Supergirl}

"I'm no actor, but I'm crass enough to scam my way into a movie every now
and then."
-Henry Rollins

"My ASS has finally decided to eat my HAND! It HUNGERS for MORE!"
-Dr. Weird {Aqua Teen Hunger Force}

"In closing, I don't want any man-on-man-on-man three-ways on my couch.
The coffee table, sure; but not the couch."
-Kevin Smith

"I've seen stuff that would make your eyes pop out and splatter against
the wall. In fact, I've seen that, too."
-Sally Solomon {3rd Rock From the Sun}

"But I'm ALWAYS serious, my dear boy. It's only my pleasant nature that 
makes it appear otherwise."
-Lwaxanna Troi {ST:TNG}

"If you don't know how to spell it, then there's a good chance that you
don't actually know what it means. Whether or not the former necessarily
dictates the latter, it's really best to keep both of those deficiencies
to yourself."
-Tarik Dozier

"I've played against myself, I've played as myself, and I enjoy playing 
with myself... in a video game... as a video game character."
-Trish Stratus

"This is offensive to both Christians AND prunes."
-Lisa Simpson

Marge: "Let's go there and shop 'til we droop!"
Lisa:  "That's 'shop 'til we drop.'"
Marge: "Lisa, that's a very violent image."
-Marge & Lisa Simpson

Marge: "Your thoughtfulness tastes so good... and tears are the sweetest sauce."
Homer: "Okay... now you're just starting to creep me out."
-Marge & Homer Simpson

"PAIN IS THE CLEANSER! PAIN IS THE CLEANSER!"
-Ned Flanders {The Simpsons}

"Yes, if anyone would find a problem with eating his best friend, it would be
Brak. He's so anal."
-Dad {The Brak Show}

Dilbert: "Don't you ever get tired of watching bad things happen to people?"
Dogbert: "That's crazy talk!"
-Dilbert & Dogbert

Leela: "Are you saying I'm crazy?"
Prof:  "No, no, no one's saying that, but I'm certainly thinking it loudly."
-Turanga Leela & Prof. Hubert Farnsworth {Futurama}

"Science has delved into the very nucleus of this element, alloyed it and 
amalgamated it, but nonetheless is still unable to determine why aluminum is
able to block all known forms of alien and governmental mind-controlling rays.
Certainly it's a frustration to the CIA and the R'ylegh'ni, but I think it's
a testimony to the resourcefulness of our nation's insane paranoid freaks
that they've discovered so effective a defense."
-Lore Sjoberg

"Ladies and gentelmen, my killbot features Lotus Notes and a machine gun! 
It is the finest available."
-Prof. Wurnstrom {Futurama}

"Power is restored to the Earth once more. It's a good thing I EXIST!"
-Prof. Membrane {Invader Zim}

"Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. 
Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power."
-Lao-Tzu

"People who live in glass houses should not own CD players that are not
made of lucite."
-Wired

"I once preached peaceful coexistence with Windows. You may laugh at my 
expense; I deserve it."
-Jean-Louis Gasse, Be, Inc.

Nightcrawler: "They say you can imitate anyone, even their voice."
Mystique:     "Even their voice."
Nightcrawler: "Then why not stay in disguise all the time? You know, look 
              like everyone else."
Mystique:     "Because we shouldn't have to."
-Nightcrawler & Mystique {X2}

"You are a god among insects. Never let anyone tell you different."
-Magneto {X2}

"It is an historical fact, sharing has never been humanity's defining 
attribute."
-Prof. Charles Xavier {X2}

Torg: "STOP THAT EVIL CLOWN!"
Dart: "Now hold on there, mister. That 'clown' is in charge of a group 
      dedicated to saving the world from the Devil's offspring, whereas you
      are an official caretaker to the Devil's offspring. So I'd be careful
      about who you call 'evil.'"
Torg: "He's hanging from a helicopter's rope ladder while laughing maniacally
      and triggering explosives."
Dart: "Okay. That sounds a little bad-guy-ish."
Torg: "It'd be okay if he said something witty, but the laughter pegs him."
Dart: "Agreed, he's a bad-guy."
-Torg & Dart {Sluggy Freelance}

"Everybody's always in favor of saving Hitler's brain, but when you put it
in the body of a great white shark, oohhh, suddenly you've gone too far."
-Prof. Hubert Farnsworth {Futurama}

"There's a saying I learned at Cletus Community Community College for the
Sons of War Veterans in Vietnam. 'You can't catch a greased pig if you took
the wrong bus to the farm.' I think that about says it all."
-Ebola Monkey Man

"Seriously, I think [the perception that Americans are dumb] comes from
that muppet in the White House being on our TVs so much. You should do
something about him."
-RMH101

"This Norway is sounding like a pretty good place to be. Too bad it's in, 
like, Norway."
-A.

Cubert: "Your explanations are pure weapons-grade balonium. It's all 
        impossible!"
Hubert: "Nothing is impossible; not when you can imagine it. That's what 
        being a scientist is all about!"
Cubert: "No, that's what being a magical elf is all about."
-Cubert & Prof. Hubert Farnsworth {Futurama}

"WHY?! Why does all the crap we consume have to be tested on animals first?
A rat doesn't wear lipstick, okay. A rabbit doesn't use hairspray. A monkey
doesn't need PILLS to get ramped up for HOT MONKEY SEX! It's PEOPLE, man!
WE'RE miserable, so why SHOULDN'T we try it all first?"
-Sparks {Sealab 2021}

"I think the fact that college students are taking classes and writing
papers on trends in adult animation is tangible evidence that the genre
has had a profound impact on American pop culture in general, and
television programming in particular; which is cool, because that's how we
make money with which to buy food."
-Adam Reed, Cartoon Network [as]

"There is an old saying in Oregon. 'DON'T DANCE WITH THE MARIACHI BAND IF
YOU DON'T HAVE THAT OLD TORTILLA TWIST IN THE OLD SHOE HORN.' Do you 
understand what I am saying?"
-Ebola Monkey Man

"If we are willing to become evil to fight evil, why are we fighting it?"
-A.

"Did you know that Norway leads the world in both per-capita porn 
consumption AND per-capita deodorant use? Is there a connection between
the two? I have no idea. I simply know that I must move to Oslo someday."
-John Gabriel

"Wow. I thought I knew what ridiculous was until this day."
-Strong Bad

Bender: "...and even thought the computer was off and unplugged, an image 
        stayed on the screen. It was... the Windows logo!"
Fry:    "Pfft, that's not scary!"
Bender: "It is if you're a laser printer!"
-Bender Rodriguez & Philip Fry {Futurama}

"You know that calcium is important in preventing post-menopausal women
from buying orange juice without calcium in it, but did you know that it's
important to the creation of quicklime, which is used as a fluxing agent
in the creation of steel and also in flue gas desulfurization? If you did
know, have you done anything to educate others? The US ranks second-to-
last among industrialized western countries in knowledge that quicklime is
used as a fluxing agent in the creation of steel and also in flue gas
desulfurization, just above Andorra. It's going to take effort from all of
us to fix this sad, sad, state of affairs."
-Lore Sjoberg

"Land shmand! We don't wanna live on this planet; it's a dump. We'll buy
new planet and act like it's sacred. With cash like this, who's going to
argue? Nobody, that's who."
-Chief Singing Wind {Futurama}

"We all have our faith... and mine is in the truth."
-Fox Mulder {The X Files}

"Come on. Look at this one. This demon wears a wreath of intestines around 
its head. I mean, honestly, what kind of statement is this thing trying to 
make?"
-Cordelia Chase {Angel}

"It appeared to me like he was a guy who had lost his mind, and I don't
know if 'president' and 'maniacal' are supposed to be words that go hand
in hand."
-Mick Foley

"Fry, I'm an '80s guy. Friendship to me means that for two bucks I'd beat
you with a pool cue 'til you got detached retinas."
-That Guy {Futurama}

"It is not the spoon you wish to bend, but rather, the WILL of the spoon."
-Derek "Stormy" Waters {Sealab 2021}

"The only real difference between me and a doctor or a surgeon is that
when I approach a couple with a small child and say something like, 'I'd
like to keep him for a few days, and do some bloodwork,' it's considered
inappropriate."
-Laura Kightlinger

"Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television."
-David Letterman

"Mercury [is] the cruelest metal. With its hypnotic liquidity, it begs you
to run it over your hand, see it flow across your skin. And of course, if
you do, you end up in the moron ward of your local hospital. It's as if God,
having finished the whole Forbidden Fruit of Knowledge affair, turned to the
transition metals for more work in the same motif."
-Lore Sjoberg

"Email is like a prison; a prison with no walls... and no toilet."
-Strong Bad

"What you want is irrelevant; what you've chosen is at hand."
-Capt. Spock {ST:TUS}

"See, his job is to ask questions; he thinks my job is to answer every 
question he asks."
-Pres. George W. Bush

Piper:  "So what is our level of confidence in this plan?"
Phoebe: "Well, on a scale from one to ten, ten being we whoop ass, one 
        being he laughs at us while we're on fire and naked...."
Piper:  "Maybe you should lie to me."
-Piper Halliwell-Wyatt & Phoebe Halliwell {Charmed}

"Once you're into necrophilia, incest doesn't seem so bad."
-Jack McCoy {Law & Order}

"All I have are squirrels to keep me company, and a metronome attached to 
a pair of jumper cables."
-Curiosity Valentine

"There's lots of jars in the world... can't shatter them all. I mean, you
could, but good things come in jars. Peanut butter, jelly, those two-headed
fetal pigs at the natural history museum.... Come on, everybody loves fetal
pigs."
-Willow Rosenberg {Angel}

Wesley: "I've changed; I've seen a darkness in myself. I'm not sure you'd
        even begin to understand."
Willow: "I flayed a guy alive and tried to destroy the world."
Wesley: "Oh. So...."
Willow: "Darkness. Been there."
Wesley: "Yeah. Well, I never flayed... I had a woman chained in a closet. 
        That doesn't compare."
Willow: "No... dark... that's dark. You've been to a place."
-Wesley Wyndam-Pryce & Willow Rosenberg {Angel}

"Despite P.T. Barnum's advice that one should 'never try to beat a man at 
his own game,' some strong-willed people believe they are better equipped 
than scientific researchers and other experts to tell whether a method 
works."
-Stephen Barrett, M.D.

"Listen, I shot a magazine cover yesterday, I had a date last night, and
then this morning I'm searching for evil. You can't get more balanced than
that."
-Prudence Halliwell {Charmed}

"...when people are incompetent in the strategies they adopt to achieve
success and satisfaction, they suffer a dual burden: Not only do they reach
erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices, but their incompetence
robs them of the ability to realize it. Instead... they are left with the
mistaken impression that they are doing just fine."
-Justin Kruger & David Dunning

"It is one of the essential features of such incompetence that the person 
so afflicted is incapable of knowing that he is incompetent. To have such 
knowledge would already be to remedy a good portion of the offense."
-W. I. Miller

"Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge."
-Charles Darwin

18: "Do you think we got 'im?"
17: "I don't know. Did you hear any screams or anything?"
18: "No."
17: "Then we didn't get 'im."
-Androids 18 & 17 {DBZ: The History of Trunks}

"It seem like everyone who travels into the past from a post-apocalyptic
nightmare world has a chip on his or her shoulder. Cheer up, people; it's
not our fault your ancestors blew themselves up. Well... on second thought
it probably is, but that's no reason to be so gosh-darned surly."
-Tarik Dozier

"I'm glad you guys laughed at that, because if you yell the word, 'crotch,'
and everyone gets quiet, then you're in trouble."
-Megan Mooney

Lewis:  "Who are we calling, sir?"
Andrew: "I'm calling the Organization of the United Brotherhood of It's-
        None-of-Your-Damn-Business, Lewis."
-Lewis Rothschild & Pres. Andrew Shepard {The American President}

Lucy:   "My dad told me to tell you he's on the phone with his dentist and
        that I should behave myself and entertain you 'til he gets here."
Sydney: "Your father's on the phone with his dentist?"
Lucy:   "No; he told me to tell you he's on the phone with his dentist. He 
        wants you to think he's a regular guy."
Sydney: "Who is he on the phone with?"
Lucy:   "The Prime Minister of Israel."
Sydney: "They're probably not discussing his teeth."
-Lucy Shepard & Sydney Ellen Wade {The American President}

"You can kill a man, but you can't kill what he stands for; not unless you
first break his spirit. That's a beautiful thing to see."
-Cigarette-Smoking Man {The X Files}

"I can think of something else I'd like to call you; I can put 'Mr.' in
front of that, too."
-Fox Mulder {The X Files}

"Well, on behalf of the International Jewish Conspiracy, I just need to
inform you that we're almost out of gas."
-Fox Mulder {The X Files}

"There is a time and a place for hatred, Randy Orton. The place is Hershey,
Pennsylvania; and the time is now."
-Mick Foley

"Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?"
-Mayor "Diamond" Joe Quimby {The Simpsons}

"It just goes to show you... big losers are what you make of them. For 
instance, I'm gonna go make an indentured servant out of Strong Sad."
-Strong Bad

"It's really not a great time for a social call. We're pretty swamped; you
know... apocalypse."
-Angel

"A whisper? I have voices whispering to me all day long; it's pretty hard
to ignore. 'Get a rifle and climb up the water tower,' or 'Flick that
light switch two more times,' or 'Get a load of the *** on her!' or 'Time
to reline your tinfoil hat.' If my power supply were really this annoying,
I wouldn't get anything done around here at all."
-/.AC

"You know your ass is big when the Big Show's head fits in it."
-Tazz {WWE Smackdown!}

"I promise to use my powers for good instead of evil... unless evil is in
our group's charter, in which case I promise to use them for evil instead
of morally-ambiguous."
-Tarik Dozier

"While it's true enough that curiosity did indeed kill the cat, it was
unspeakable rites that brought it back."
-A.

"The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-
making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of
coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, nonfat, et cetera.
So people who don't know what the hell they're doing or who on Earth they
are can - for only $2.95 - get not just a cup of coffee, but an absolutely
defining sense of self. Tall.  Decaf.  Capuccino."
-Joe Fox {You've Got Mail}

"I feel a lot better today, because I realized we're all gonna die... and 
she's no exception."
-Ben Stiller

Bart:  "Teamwork is overrated."
Homer: "Huh?"
Bart:  "Think about it. I mean, what TEAM was Babe Ruth on? Who knows? 
       Sharing is a bunch of bull, too. And helping others. And what's 
       all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?"
Homer: "Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to 
       your newsletter."
-Bart & Homer Simpson

"These things are not called prototypes because the word sounds cool. They
fail. A lot. And the engineers learn something from every failure. Why do
you think we refer to difficult tasks as rocket science?"
-Phil Edwards

"So tonight, I'm taking it upon myself to reeducate America about my penis."
-Alan Cumming

"Excuse me; Hawkgirl smash."
-Hawkgirl {Justice League}

"Live together? With YOU? When I said that, was I conscious?"
-Goku {Dragonball}

"Sometimes my brain doesn't know what my mouth is saying; good thing my
heart does."
-Goku {Dragonball}

Superman: "You're insane."
Savage:   "True, but that doesn't mean I'm not good company."
-Superman & Vandal Savage {Justice League}

Superman: "Self-help books? You don't seem the type."
Savage:   "I read whatever I can find. Anyway, I've got issues... what with 
          my destroying the Earth and all."
-Superman & Vandal Savage {Justice League}

"The fact that this is all made up is not important. What is important is 
that you believe it."
-[adult swim]

"Do you want to be candy, cookie, or pudding when Buu eats you?"
-Majin Buu {DBZ}

HHH:  "THIS is reality. I AM REALITY!"
J.R.: "He's a son-of-a-bitch, if you ask me."
-Triple H & Jim Ross {WWE Raw}

Dwight: "What's this device's marketability? Who's the target consumer?"
Prof.:  "There is no target consumer; only targets. Targets that will 
        tremble as their new master hands down edicts in my glorious,
        booming voice! Now quit pestering me, you scoundrels!"
-Dwight Conrad & Prof. Hubert Farnsworth {Futurama}

Dwight: "I direct your attention to these forms, which I'm presently 
        engaged in handing to you."
Hermes: "Sweet guinea pig of Winnipeg! They've taken over our company!"
Prof.:  "Balderdash! I never agreed to that!"
Dwight: "No, but you did declare yourself dead three years ago as a tax 
        dodge."
Prof.:  "Tax dodge nothing! You take one nap in a ditch in the park and 
        they start declaring you this and that."
-Dwight & Hermes Conrad & Prof. Hubert Farnsworth {Futurama}

"Thank you. That song doesn't usually last three hours, but we got into a
serious thing... and then I forgot how it ended."
-Beck {Futurama}

"Drugs are for losers, and hypnosis is for losers with big, weird eyebrows."
-Philip Fry {Futurama}

"Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's court. I suppose I could
part with one of these and still be feared."
-Prof. Hubert Farnsworth {Futurama}

"Well, the doomsday device is ready. Maybe blasting this quadrant of space
into a hellstorm of flaming nothingness with cheer me up a little."
-Bender Rodriguez {Futurama}

"Telling one hard truth can lead you down, down, down into a vicious circle
of more truth, revelation, embarrassment, and chagrin. That's one reason for
the truth's dangerous reputation."
-A.

Bruce: "Judge Gray, you didn't lose your temper."
Amy:   "I didn't?"
Bruce: "No. It was the wrath of the righteous raining down on the iniquitous.
       It was someone who was fed up with moral abiguity in the need to make
       a responsible decision. I was proud to stand next to you."
Amy:   "Oh.... I thought they just pissed me off."
-Bruce Van Exel & Judge Amy Gray {Judging Amy}

"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth 
to a child. She must be found and stopped."
-Sam Levenson

"Lauren, your opinions are not as fascinating as you think they are."
-Maxine Gray {Judging Amy}

"Thanks, all, for your support, your community, and your perfectly sane
devotion; it's meant a lot. I regret nothing (except the string of grisly
murders in the '80s - what was THAT all about?). Remember the words of
the poet: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the road less traveled
by; and they CANCELLED MY FRIKKIN' SHOW. I totally shoulda took the road
that had all those people on it. Damn.'"
-Joss Whedon

"When a woman says nothing's wrong, everything's wrong; when a woman says 
everything's wrong, EVERYTHING'S wrong; and when a woman says something's 
not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off."
-Homer Simpson