"'Build a product that even an idiot can use, and plenty of idiots will
use it.' Thanks a lot, AOL, from a grateful Internet."
-Tarik Dozier

Marge: "You can't ask God to kill someone!"
Homer: "Yeah; YOU do your OWN dirty work."
-Marge & Homer Simpson

"Yes, but this demon didn't even seem to know who we were - which, by the
way, I find insulting."
-Piper Halliwell-Wyatt {Charmed}

"I'M ALLERGIC TO FLYING DEBRIS!"
-Bulma {Dragonball}

"I didn't know it was going to be a cultural icon; I did a lot of other
things than CtrlAltDelete, but I'm famous for that one. I may have invented
it, but Bill [Gates] made it famous."
-David Bradley, IBM

Donna:   "Don't you use that tone with me."
Vincent: "What tone?"
Donna:   "The she's-hysterical-he's-reasonable tone."
-Donna Kozlowski & Vincent Gray {Judging Amy}

"I toss and turn. You would too, if you slept with so much weaponry."
-Curiosity Valentine

"It's statistically impossible for ALL girls to hate you! Math would never 
do that to you. Math is a romantic."
-Clango {Diesel Sweeties}

"No one can find my daddy; he disappeared through the Internet."
-Stuart {Mad TV}

"'You obtuse piece of flotsam.' Wow... when Q insults you, there should be 
no doubt in your or anyone else's mind that you've been insulted."
-Tarik Dozier

"Marge, I've always loved you; Bart, you were a worthy foe."
-Homer Simpson

"She's as common as an angry woman in an Ibsen play."
-Simon Cowell {The Simpsons}

"This was a wakeup call. From now on I'll keep my eyes on the road instead 
of my Kool and the Gang air freshener. Celebration's over, boys."
-Dr. Raymond Hibbert {The Simpsons}

"I'm riding a unicyle with my pants down. This SHOULD be every boy's dream."
-Bart Simpson

Lisa:  "Mom, I'm not sure God responds well to threats."
Marge: "It's the only way to talk to bullies."
-Lisa & Marge Simpson

"Yeah; well, I still can't understand why they taste like fish."
-Yajirobe {Dragonball}

"Know what I read the other day? That Denver, Colorado is moving closer to
San Francisco, California by an inch every ten years. An inch every ten
years. That's the way the Rocky Mountains were formed, and that's the way
the world changes - not by stamping your foot to get your way; not even by
the bang of a gavel. It's by the choices we make, you know? All the time,
you do what you think is right, every time; slowly the world starts to
change. That's how we leave our imprint on life - an inch every ten years."
-Maxine Gray {Judging Amy}

arkanes:   "As a general rule, if both sides think you favor the opposition,
           then you're doing a pretty good job of being even-handed."
sketerpot: "The liberal media seem to have that down pat, what with their 
           rampant conservative bias."
-arkanes & sketerpot (/.)

"Funny... they never look psychotic when they're sleeping."
-Master Roshi {Dragonball}

"I think the [US political] right and left have lost too much credibility
to be arbiters of what's correct. It's sort of like Coke and Pepsi arguing
over the relative health benefits of soda."
-Jon Stewart {The Daily Show}

"Really? Have you actually met the American people? I don't think they're
up for it. They got excited about the Macarena."
-Jon Stewart {The Daily Show}

"Alright, it's time to run."
-Gotenks {DBZ}

"It's one thing when your sister has a husband you can't stand; it's
another when he's the Source of All Evil."
-Piper Halliwell-Wyatt {Charmed}

"My story is a lot like yours, only more interesting, 'cause it involves 
robots."
-Bender Rodriguez {Futurama}

"I was born and raised in denial."
-Gretchen Banning

"In five hundred years, people have not changed a bit. Granted, they smell
better now - generally speaking - but human greed still reigns. Shallowness.
A propensity for self-destruction."
-Jenn {The X-Files}

"You can't democratize a personal conviction. I am taking a stand, and I'm 
perfectly willing to stand alone."
-Maxine Gray {Judging Amy}

"Don't take it personally; everybody fails. Your failure just happens to
mean the end of the world."
-Majin Buu {DBZ}

"Leave me a message, and I'll leave you an abstract thought."
-Marzipan

Lawler: "He could've at least dressed up for the occasion."
Ross:   "He is."
Lawler: "What?!"
Ross:   "New sweat pants."
-Jerry Lawler & Jim Ross, on Mick Foley

"Y'know, New Jersey's called 'the Garden State' because they plant enormous
fields of ass."
-Jon Stewart {The Daily Show}

Maxine:	"Why is it so hard for you to believe that I would be attractive 
	to men?"
Peter:	"Ummm, you're my mother?"
Maxine:	"And I got that way by being attractive to men."
-Maxine & Peter Gray {Judging Amy}

"Little colorful candles, clearly enough, are the canonical birthday cake
topper. So much so, in fact, that any food you put them in automatically
becomes a birthday food. Candles in a fruit torte? Birthday torte! Candles
in a potato-leek quiche? Birthday quiche! Candles in the partially-
decomposed body of a hobo who died of exposure and heart disease? Birthday
hobo! And remember, blow out every candle on the hobo or you don't get 
your wish!"
-Lore Sjoberg

"Never wear fire for a hat. I haven't any idea what it means; I read it in
a bathroom stall once and it stuck with me."
-Maxine Gray {Judging Amy}

J'Onn:  "You do realize that if we change the past, you - this version of 
        you - never will have existed."
Batman: "Nothing would make me happier."
-J'Onn J'Onnz & Batman {Justice League: Savege Time}

"The real problem is people who actually buy this stuff. If no one was
buying things from spam, no one would send spam. We all know this. I
propose we start spamming. Anyone who responds gets a nice li'l pistol
whipping and is returned to their computer. After the first news report,
people will be afraid to respond to spam."
-/.AC

"But my mom says I'm cool."
-Milhouse Van Houten {The Simpsons}

"I like my women like I like my coffee... ground up and in the freezer."
-wolrahnaes

"I like my women like I like my coffee... tied up in a burlap sack and
carried across the Andes on a donkey."
-Griim

"My old life wasn't as glamourous as my webpage made it look."
-Turanga Leela {Futurama}

"People like or dislike bands for many many reasons other than, you know,
the music. Much of the music I like would probably sound similar to NIN or
Marilyn Manson to a casual listener, but I think Trent Reznor and Marilyn
Manson should be hung by their testicles and set on fire. However, others
might argue that they should be hung by their PENISES and set on fire.
It's all about personal preference."
-CD

"Phoebe, you know better than to scream in this house if there isn't a demon!"
-Piper Halliwell-Wyatt {Charmed}

"I fear nothing but the voices in my head who tell me to do things. I think
they're Japanese - which I don't actually speak or understand - so I don't
know whether they want me to crush bunnies or simply enjoy delicious Rice 
Krispies treats."
-Tarik Dozier

"I feel like I'm stuck in an episode of Mad About You."
-Dana Scully {The X-Files}

"Talk to the elbow, 'cause the hand's on vacation."
-A.

"Unless you're an astronaut, secret agent, vampire hunter, or all three,
you're probably a sellout; screw you. Nobody wanted to be a regional
director of sales or an investment banker when they were kids."
-Maddox

"There's nothing wrong with a good delusion; I sell them upstairs to
dozens of people every day."
-Quark {ST:DS9}

"I was just being rhetorical; it's the first cousin of hypothetical."
-Amy Gray {Judging Amy}

"Dawn of the Dead dethroned the Passion of the Christ for the number one
spot. I believe it's the first time in box office history that both the
number one and number two films included zombies."
-CD

"Yes; life is a cruel snake... with bitter herbs and spices."
-Brendon Small {Home Movies}

"It's not true. Some have great stories, pretty stories that take place at
lakes, with boats and friends and noodle salad... just no one in this car.  
But, a lot of people, that's their story; good times, noodle salad. What
makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed
that so many others had it good."
-Melvin Udall {As Good As It Gets}

"That's it! From now on, I'm not looking forward to anything!"
-Homer Simpson

"As always, we start with memory performance, because these benchmarks are 
synthetic, a little bit different, and not always indicative of real-world 
performance. They are, however, interesting, and present the opportunity to
make all sorts of colorful graphs."
-Scott Wasson, The Tech Report

"If you lived here, you'd have less... non-broken bones... and more...  
crushed spirits."
-Strong Bad

"Cynicism be damned; integrity has its own momentum."
-{Judging Amy}

"Calling it 'heavy-handed' would be an understatement. It's about as subtle
as a guy with a 'poor impulse control' forehead tattoo offering you a free
kick in the throat."
-Tarik Dozier

"Reality television - it's one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse."
-Dr. John Carter {ER}

"You're still a med student; you'll learn how to be condescending and 
dismissive. It's a test you have to take."
-Abby Lockhart {ER}

"Everyone is pro-choice and pro-life. It's whether you're for or against 
abortion that's the real issue."
-Penn Jillette

"Finis origine pendet."
-A.

"The foolishness of that comment is so deep that I can only ascribe it to
higher education. You had to have gone to college to be able to say something
that stupid."
-Dennis Prager {Bullshit!}

"I'm not calling you an idiot; I'm empowering you through negative feedback."
-A.

"Not to know what happened before we were born is to remain perpetually a 
child. For what is the worth of a human life unless it is woven into the 
lives of our ancestors by the records of history?"
-Marcus Tullius Cicero

"Every time I start up WindowsXP, it says, 'I'm gonna fuck you in the ass.'
Not that that's always a bad thing, except when an operating system does it
without your permission."
-Kathleen Dickason

"This sausage is probably eighteen years old. This sausage could vote; it 
could go to war and die for its country."
-John McGuirk {Home Movies}

"I swore never to read again after To Kill a Mockingbird offered me no
meaningful advice on the killing of mockingbirds. It did teach me to not
judge a man based on the color of his skin, but what good does that do ME?"
-Homer Simpson

"Look at us; we're dressed like it's the sixties. It's the twenty-first 
century; we should be dressed like it's the eighties."
-Lindsay Funke {Arrested Development}

"It's official; I have the creeps."
-{Home Movies}

Paula:   "What were you saying?"
Brendon: "Can we move the flowers?"
Paula:   "Before that."
Brendon: "This meatloaf is dry."
Paula:   "Before that."
Brendon: "This is MEATLOAF?"
Paula:   "Before that."
Brendon: "This fish is dry."
-Paula & Brendon Small {Home Movies}

"If you are a person of color, if you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or
transgendered, if you are a person of size, if you are a person of
intelligence, if you are person of integrity, then you are considered 
a minority in this world."
-Margaret Cho

"Open box. 
 Use weapon. 
 Slay enemy. 
 Bathe in his blood!"
-Thundercleese {The Brak Show}

"If there is a God, and he's omnipotent, could he make a burrito so delicious
that even he could not fully enjoy it?"
-A.

"The problem with sex is that once you have it, you want to have it again."
-Amy Gray {Judging Amy}

"If I wasn't such a genius and I didn't have such a positive personality,
this situation would really be unbearable."
-Bulma {DBZ}

"Yep, first chance I get, I'm going to totally sell out."
-Caroline Courtney

"Let's face it: any script kiddie with a pair of pliers can put Red Hat on 
a Compaq, his mom's toaster, or even the family dog. But nothing earns you 
geek points like installing Linux on a dead badger."
-Lucy A. Snyder

"Please note that zombie badgers are banned in many municipalities in
California and Wisconsin; zombie badgers must remain leashed at all times
in Texas. Zombie badgers can move at great speeds, and are prone to sudden
acceleration; use proper caution when driving your zombie badger. Do not
allow your zombie badger to consume mushrooms or African snakes, or your
badger may emit catchy techno music. Do not taunt zombie badgers. Prolonged
use of a zombie badger may cause acne, insomnia, leprosy, unusual weather,
or the end of time. Please dispose of your zombie badgers properly; consult
your local recycling company for proper disposal protocols."
-Lucy A. Snyder

"Don't come crying to me when the androids take over the world and enslave
everybody, because I'll just say, 'I told you so.'"
-Bulma {DBZ}

"Okay, it wasn't an accident. I'm a psychopath. I prey on shrubbery."
-Amy Gray {Judging Amy}

"Those S&M people, they... are bossy."
-Margaret Cho

"There's, like, this creepy connection between leather sex, Star Trek, and
the Renaissance faire."
-Margaret Cho

"Fools ignore complexity. Pragmatists suffer it. Some can avoid it.
Geniuses remove it."
-Perlis's Programming Proverb #58

"Tasteful motherfuckers, ain't we? Have a nice day."
-Penn Jillette

"You're allowed to lie to children about things like this, Amy; it's in 
the Bible."
-Maxine Gray {Judging Amy}

"They're inviting us to defeat them! We must oblige them!"
-Baron Munchausen

Crusher: "Captain, we're receiving 285,000 hails."
Riker:   "I wish I knew what to tell them."
-Lt. Wesley Crusher & Capt. William Riker {ST:TNG}

"I know Klingons like to be alone on their birthdays. You probably want to
meditate, or hit yourself with a pain stick or something."
-Deanna Troi {ST:TNG}

"Slavery ended one hundred and thirty-seven years ago. Move. The Fuck. On."
-Monty Brogan {25th Hour}

"Unfortunately for mankind, the attitude, 'I think this way and therefore
you must,' is second only to 'give me that or I will hit you.'"
-A.

"Laws change according to who is making them, but justice is justice."
-Odo {ST:DS9}

"Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago."
-Bernard Berenson

"It's better to have an attention span and not need it, than to need 
whatever it is we were just talking about."
-Mayor {Powerpuff Girls}

"I'll stay up and think weird thoughts for a while."
-T.S. Garp {The World According to Garp}

"That's everything that's wrong with the world: brothers beatin' on brothers
while the White Man waits to take our pimp canes."
-Cocoa LeTet {Mad TV: Dolemite}

"First I'm gonna kick your ass; then I'm gonna reenact kickin' your ass!"
-Hank Hill {King of the Hill}

"I respect that you don't eat meat. Please respect that I don't eat fake 
meat."
-Raven {Teen Titans}

"Heavy is the burden of being me."
-Q {ST:DS9}

"Enter, this asshole. Y'know, we've used that line in more than half of
our shows, and it's still fun."
-Penn Jillette {Bullshit!}

"It is in that characteristic Superman stands alone. Superman didn't
become Superman, Superman was born Superman. When Superman wakes up in the
morning, he's Superman; his alter ego is Clark Kent. His outfit with the
big red S - that's the blanket he was wrapped in as a baby when the Kents
found him; those are his clothes. What Kent wears, the glasses, the
business suit, that's the costume. That's the costume Superman wears to
blend in with us. Clark Kent is how Superman views us; and what are the
characteristics of Clark Kent? He's weak; he's unsure of himself; he's a
coward. Clark Kent is Superman's critique on the whole human race."
-Bill {Kill Bill, Vol. 2}

"I went to Toys 'R' Us and bought my son a Jurassic Park action figure. I
got him the thesaurus, which - if you don't know - was a tiny creature who
often used flowery language to extricate himself from potentially life-
threatening situations."
-Dennis Miller

"Of course, the whole point of a Doomsday Machine is lost if you keep it a
secret!"
-Dr. Strangelove

"As the Bible says, 'SCREW THAT!'"
-Homer Simpson

Starfire: "I cannot awaken Beast Boy. I have tried the tickling, all manner
          of bodily noises, and the word, 'underpants.' I fear this time 
          Beast Boy's brain is gone forever."
Raven:    "Beast Boy had a brain?"
-Starfire & Raven {Teen Titans}

"Yes, he is ripped. He's a walking blood vein, this man."
-Jim Ross, on Batista {WWE Raw}

"We lead our lives, and when they end, sometimes we leave a little of 
ourselves behind. Sometimes we leave money, a painting. Sometimes we leave 
a kind word. And sometimes, we leave an empty space."
-George Lass {Dead Like Me}

"The needs of the few outweigh the whims and caprices of the many."
-A.

"Oatmeal is not a color!"
-Genevieve Gorder {Trading Spaces}

"My imaginary friends are RIGHT! I AM a genius!"
-Dewey Wilkerson {Malcolm in the Middle}

"And then... I saw something shiny... and I put it in my shiny box."
-Reese Wilkerson {Malcolm in the Middle}

"Well, yeah, a man who can make a batch of chutney with an imaginary pot
and burner should be able to build a raft of some sort. But, may I remind
you, the Professor built a bamboo generator, okay, and he still couldn't
patch the hole in the bottom of the Minnow. So just keep that in mind, Mr.
Critical Sea Monster."
-Alton Brown {Good Eats}

"Of course, we're not going to have any more fresh ingredients because
we're all out of hand grenades."
-Alton Brown {Good Eats}

"Plutonians are teh s uck."
-Ignignokt {Aqua Teen Hunger Force}

Ignignokt: "There is only one plan, and it involves this... The Screw of 
           Damnation. We found it behind the armoire."
Err:       "...OF DESPAIR!"
-Ignignokt & Err {Aqua Teen Hunger Force}

"One must never look into the eyes of one's own gods."
-Kai Opaka {ST:DS9}

"Physical fitness... whatever, you know?  Whatever.  You do what you like
to do, I do what I like to do, OK?  But you're a sucker.  You get fed this
line about how, like, you're gonna live forever or whatever.  You're gonna
die.  Someone'll kill ya.  Someone'll kill ya with a knife.  You make sure
your abs are, uh, friggin' ripped; you got some good guns!  You wanna look
good for when you get stabbed with a knife.  Sorry, that's how it works."
-Carl {Aqua Teen Hunger Force}

"We are rayths, what you could inelegantly classify as shadow-spirit-mage- 
witches from a hellish-stygian-pit-heck. Plus, we dig on hyphens."
-Creepster {Sluggy Freelance}

"I believe in coincidences; coincidences happen everyday. But I don't 
TRUST coincidences."
-Garek {ST:DS9}