"I'm not really a capitalist at heart... but stuff costs money, and I like stuff. I'm sure you can see my quandary." -Tarik Dozier "Cats and kind ladies are typically found in close proximity. Rarely do you hear some gentle matron saying, 'Oh, you poor dear. Come on in and have a seat, I'll get you a slice of OH CHRIST IT'S A CAT YOU FUCKING LITTLE ASS-LICKING VERMIN I'LL CUT OFF YOUR TAIL AND SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR THROAT THAT'S RIGHT RUN YOU FUZZY PRICK rhubarb pie and some tea, how does that sound?'" -Lore Sjoberg "Today most paper is made from trees grown specifically for the production of paper. You follow that? Paper comes from trees, so we grow trees to make paper, like we grow potatoes to make yummy French fries. Same thing. Are potatoes endangered because we use them? Are there virgin potatoes anywhere? Not if Mr. Potato Head has his way!" -Penn Jillette {Bullshit!} "I people person, uhh, work good with children. People like me... because I force them to... WITH VIOLENCE! I RULE YOU!" -Travis {Aqua Teen Hunger Force} "I'm getting bored of not killing anything." -Bun-Bun {Sluggy Freelance} "I'd say I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not. I excel at not giving a shit. Experience has taught me that interest begets expectation, and expectation begets disappointment, so the key to avoiding disappointment is to avoid interest. A equals B equals C equals A, or whatever. I also don't have a lot of interest in being a good person or a bad person. From what I can tell, either way, you're screwed. Bad people are punished by society's laws, and good people are punished by Murphy's Law; so you see my dilemma." -George Lass {Dead Like Me} "It felt like a cluster bomb wiping out a graveyard full of zombies. *sigh*" -Homer Simpson "You have your father's breasts." -Ida {Malcolm in the Middle} "If you're going to have to pay attention to random signs telling you to keep quiet, you may as well give up being a hobo and go back to being a tramp, transient, or bum. I'm also annoyed by the lack of specificity here. There are hobo signs for 'mean dog' and 'man with gun;' you'd think there would be signs for 'sleeping baby and irritable mother with gun,' 'librarian with gun,' and 'voice-activated gun' so you wouldn't have to wonder why you're being quiet." -Lore Sjoberg "Quantum singularity? It's like a black hole... only portable, and with a cooler name." -Magnanimous {Megas XLR} Doug: "If you're considering violence, count me in." Susan: "It's not just me?" Doug: "There's no politically correct way to describe that woman." -Dr. Doug Ross & Dr. Susan Lewis {ER} "It sure was strange to see something on Usenet about me that didn't involve Klingon gang rape." -Wil Wheaton "I may get a little cranky if I don't get my daily net fix, but I've never beat anyone with a fire extinguisher because of it (not that I remember, anyway)." -Bradley D. Shepherd "To those brave future warriors who must battle against the super- intelligent computers we are creating today, my advice for stopping them dead in their tracks is: install a printer." -Rob Fairchild "Every OS is vulnerable to the ultimate virus: Stupidity.Virus.a. Only one release was needed." -tarballedtux "That's why we had to beat you with tennis racquets." -Nichelle Nichols {Futurama} "Someone should tell Director Mark Steven Johnson that time needs to pass before a rip-off becomes an homage." -Rod Hilton "If you're gonna ingest calories from fat, you gotta make it count." -Alton Brown {Good Eats} "'What's your favorite game?' Extreme double-dutch. Or that time we played Twister with those Taiwanese hookers." -[adult swim] "The movie has a lot of fun with apocalyptic doom and gloom...." -Jake Gyllenhaal "Remember, if you kill anyone, be sure to eat their hearts. That way, you'll get their courage... their rich, tasty courage." -Prof. Hubert Farnsworth {Futurama} "Your hand, while firm and masculine, is soft as a velvet child." -Zapp Brannigan {Futurama} "Private Lee Lemon may well be the finest recruit I've seen in all my years of service. That young man fills me with hope... and some other emotions that are weird and deeply confusing." -Zapp Brannigan {Futurama} "Mom, I'd rather be hip than complicated." -Lauren Gray {Judging Amy} "Oh, I'm sure it isn't appropriate at all. But then, I hate to be appropriate." -Jadzia Dax {ST:DS9} Odo: "I heard an interesting rumor today." Quark: "Only one? I started at least twelve." -Odo & Quark {ST:DS9} "Listen to her. She give sex. I funny blue-haired girl." -Blue "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may prove what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." -Romans 12:2 "Only hobos and ex-junkies are afraid of needles!" -Lisa Simpson "I don't know if it's the lack of sleep, the sodium pentathol, or because this is the first cartoon I've seen in three months, but THIS is what I believe in now." -Lisa Simpson "IT'S PEOPLE! THE MEDITERRANEAN WRAP IS PEOPLE! Oh, wait, maybe it's baba ganoush. Nevermind." -Phil Ken Sebben {Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law} Vincent: "Could you believe that dinner?" Justin: "Did you see the turkey?" Vincent: "I think if they're gonna serve a turkey to you with the head still on, they should at least put a little hat on it." Justin: "I forget; is that fancy cuisine, or just disgusting?" -Vincent Gray & Justin {Judging Amy} If God wanted people to be better than me, he would have made them that way." -A. "I'll have the Meat Lover's Skillet, with extra suffering, please. Oh yeah, and can I have a side of pain and anguish with that too?" -Rony "Sure, Slashdot has its share of idiots who run under the misconception that they actually know something about which they really, truly haven't the faintest clue, as well as a number of secondary idiots who think that members of the first category of idiots make valid points. How does that differ from the rest of the world?" -Tarik Dozier "Your job is to tell the truth; my job is to learn from it." -Gillian Gray {Judging Amy} "Well, well, well; this looks to be one DISTURBINGLY erotic date!" -Zapp Brannigan {Futurama} "You LOVE the middle ages, don't you? The concept of a geocentric universe gets you SEXUALLY EXCITED, doesn't it? You want to make sixteenth century mathematician Johannes Kepler your BITCH, don't you?" -Jousting Coach {Family Guy} "Mother, I'm in insurance; I have powers you can't even BEGIN to comprehend." -Peter Gray {Judging Amy} Keiko: "How can you schedule an execution before a trial even begins?" Makbar: "We believe in swift justice." -Keiko O'Brien & Archon Makbar {ST:DS9} "He's high on God, he's cocky with Christ, this president." -Janeane Garofalo "Some conservative writers have been comparing the US war against Iraq to the epic struggles of the Lord of the Rings. Since we all know that the Black Gates of Mordor opened only to reveal an unarmed army of deserting orcs and a cowering Sauron, and we discovered that the One Ring was actually a bad forgery, and finally concluded that Gandalf was a shameless, war-crazy liar, I guess I'd have to agree with them." -Rob Fairchild "I think she's more fun than hanging out with a tree full of monkeys, and I have a tree full of monkeys." -Kimm "I don't know if I want to live in a world where caring and dedication to one's profession is considered quaint or eccentric." -Maxine Gray {Judging Amy} "Burns is alive? Then whose skull am I drinking beer out of?" -Kearney {The Simpsons} Burns: "So... what do you think of today's popular music scene?" Simpson: "I think it distracts people from important social issues." Burns: "My god, are you ALWAYS on?" -C. Montgomery Burns & Lisa Simpson "I cannot be held responsible for what my goons were ordered to do!" -C. Montgomery Burns {The Simpsons} "I am Ender! I end things... planets... galaxies." -Ender {Megas XLR} "I'll PROVE I'm the good guy, even if I have to smash this entire city and beat you to a mushy pulp!" -Coop {Megas XLR} "A good interrogator doesn't allow his subject to die; he'd lose the advantage." -Gul Dukat {ST:DS9} "Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing." -Anais Nin Melissa: "Is 'Movie Guy' your pseudonym?" Brendon: "No, it's just a name that I'm using instead of my real name." -Melissa Robbins & Brendon Small {Home Movies} Paula: "Brendon, that's an R-rated movie..." Brendon: "You better believe it!" Paula: "...called 'All That Violence?' That could be violent!" Brendon: "Well, see, that's the ironic thing; it's not that violent." Paula: "Well, I don't want you knowing about irony." Brendon: "How about nudity?" -Paula & Brendon Small {Home Movies} "If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas." -George Bernard Shaw "I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived." -Margaret Mitchell "'Sure would be cool if all these companies released their products to the public as free tools for educational use.' It would also be cool if Ferrari gave away free cars, and everyone had all the food to eat that they wanted, free of charge! And everyone was given a MOON PONY! Oh yes, what a wonderful world that would be!" -MisterFancypants "You're trying to be a hero; terrorists don't get to be heroes." -Kira Nerys {ST:DS9} "What part of 'Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wagn'nagl fhtagn' didn't you understand?" -Dun Malg Lauren: "You said 'penis.'" Peter: "Yes, I did." Lauren: "That's a bad word." Maxine: "Not when it's that small." -Lauren, Peter, & Maxine Gray {Judging Amy} "Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession; friendship is never anything but sharing." -Elie Wiesel "Beauty is so powerful to us that we forget that it is only what it is, its own closed system, open it up and it contains nothing, it signifies nothing and it implies nothing other than the premium pleasure that beauty itself provides: it does not bestow goodness or braininess or anything more, and yet the omnipotence of beauty itself is enough to make it perhaps the most desirable asset in God's creation." -Elizabeth Wurtzel "A true victory is to make your enemy see that they were wrong to oppose you in the first place... to force them to acknowledge your greatness." -Gul Dukat {ST:DS9} "My take on the matter is that if you're so lame that the best line you can muster is, 'wow ur gorgeous i would love to lick ur a ss,' my guess would be that your options in life are extremely limited. Besides, men who seek out women with low standards (read: anyone who would deign to indulge them sexually, wooed by such a pitiably ham-fisted attempt at seduction) tend to have some pretty low standards of their own." -Tarik Dozier "I have a recurring dream where I'm pleading with a midget named Brett to stop throwing donuts at a clown with a flamethrower." -Sean Potter {Judging Amy} "I'm not paying money for panty shields when all I have to do is my laundry." -Ellen Cherry "Yes, I know... your expert can beat up their expert." -Judge Amy Gray {Judging Amy} "I am the bad egg that slipped through; you've all just been distracted by the midgets I keep sending to do my evil bidding." -Wicked Rapunzel "What am I doing? Anything I can to see that horrified, confused look on your face!" -Baby {DBGT} "There are more people in the United States who have a cell phone than there are people who have medical insurance. This is 'progress' in precisely the same sense of 'getting somewhere' as marching straight along a freshly paved, downhill road to Hell." -Rob Fairchild "I TOLD you. What we shared was just a drunken fling. Pure lust. Sure it was good, sure it was fun, sure there was a lot of Turtle Wax and plastic wrap involved. But LOVE? Come on...." -Celeste "Indeed. You know it's real love when you've incorporated canola oil, duct tape, barbed wire, rubbing alcohol, a Braun hand mixer, a cantaloupe, and several ferrets... and no one has mentioned pressing charges." -Tarik Dozier "I daydream that I have this pet dragon, and he sits on top of one of the giant buildings in Louisville, and he will do my bidding with FIREBALLS! If you venture outside in Louisville when I get my dragon, you will do it in peril! My dragon will be accurate, and you will be consumed in FLAMES! Only then will all you sinners find out the true meaning of my POWER! SINNERS! I will feed him hobos too! And he will love me as if I was his dragon birthmother. We will suckle on the teats of the city, having fun and killing with FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE!!!!" -TheEric "I like my crazy people to be installed with mobile Centrino. That way, they can be crazy anywhere." -grimm1217 "Sure, there was the abduction and the probing and the electroshock and the forced participation in the inter-species breeding program; but I've never been quite clear on one detail of that night. Do all aliens use a burlap sack and a Chevy Tahoe as part of the machinations of their grand plan... or is the real truth still eluding me somehow?" -Tarik Dozier "Until the rulebook is completed, you've gotta expect some disagreements in the game of RedRover X-Treme." -jennthemermaid "Your computer crashes because you touch yourself. Next question, please." -Tarik Dozier "Choke on THAT, causality!" -Prof. Hubert Farnsworth {Futurama} "Well, I'm not a vet, but I do have this pair of pliers." -Phil Ken Sebben {Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law} "But really, it's that good sort of evil... y'know, the type you want to lovingly pack into a big box, wrap in 'paper' crafted of flayed, oven- tanned human skin, tie with a ribbon made of barbed wire, and top off with a pretty, pink bow. Don't forget the smiley-face sticker." -Tarik Dozier "Well, you obviously won't listen to reason, so I guess I'll listen to idioticness and come with you." -Turanga Leela {Futurama} "Wasn't it God that let Puritans in Salem do what they did to the unfaithful?" -10,000 Maniacs, "Jubilee" "You'd think demons would've invented reality television, but somehow humans beat us to it." -{Charmed} "I think if I could be any more pissed, my hair would be on fire." -Sheila Schroeder "How about, 'Hey Mister famous person, can I please have my panties back?' I once had to ask Wilford Brimley that question, but he wouldn't give them to me until I bought some term life insurance. What degree of separation is that?" -Celeste "'Pwned' is no longer current slang. The correct expression is 'f3llated.' Please start using it immediately." -PirateKing "The smart ones ask when they don't know... and sometimes when they do." -Malcolm Forbes "You should go with a more tribal look. Firstly, I'd suggest a penile gourd. The ladies will always wonder exactly what you're packing. Secondly, I know a couple of guys that will set you up with some extensive scarification. In that most younger ladies have a poor conception of history, you can say they are Nam scars. Chicks dig superficial war wounds. Alternatively, you got them from either a bar fight against ninjas, or from saving children from a burning orphanage. Finally, a cape covered in tropical bird feathers would complete the ensemble. As for a scent, I recommend the cold sweat of terrorized children." -Sean "Okay... who brought my ex-wife BACK FORM THE DEAD?" -Victor Halliwell {Charmed} "The streets shall run red with YOUR blood, and I shall wade through it, laughing, as I slip and slide on your greasy intestines, all the while blowing up your gall bladders as childrens toys for my accursed spawn. Then I shall enjoy a rare roast beef sandwich, with a touch of mayo and some prepared horseradish. After, I'll invite TheEric and Dpurvis over for some Parcheesi, and perhaps we'll watch The Thirteenth Warrior as we crack jokes at your dismembered head. In Hell, where your eternal soul will be raped forever by the black angels of the pit, you will feel shame. SHAME, I SAY!" -Mugsy Troi: "It occurs to Betazed females as they enter mid-life. We call it 'the phase.'" Pulaski: "Mid-life? As in human menopause?" Troi: "Similar. It's only at mid-life that a Betazoid female becomes, well, fully sexual... if you know what I mean." Pulaski: "Yes, I think I do. I also think that I saw the Captain on his way to her quarters." Troi: "I wonder if I should warn him." Pulaski: "No; as ship's Doctor, I consider it an excellent exercise for his reflexes and agility." Troi: "Doctor!" Pulaski: "Staying ahead of your mother." Troi: "Yes, an animal is always at its best when hunted." Pulaski: "Or when hunting." -Counselor Deanna Troi & Dr. Kate Pulaski {ST:TNG} Riker: "Yes, Troi warned me about it when we started seeing each other. A Betazoid woman, going through this phase, quadruples her sex drive." Troi: "Or more." Riker: "More? You never told me that." Troi: "I didn't want to frighten you." -Cmdr. William Riker & Counselor Deanna Troi {ST:TNG} "I have never been blacklisted. My theory is that all of you spineless degenerate pieces of social flotsam find me the cat's pajamas. As gratifying as it is to be adored, it does remind me of what my great uncle said to me as he was taken forcibly away that warm summer eve: 'You can smear your shit on the bathroom walls as artsy-like as you want, boy, but it's still gonna smell the same!' And, you know, I did stop trying to master fecal chiaroscuro." -Sean "I'm sorry, but rules are rules. Did you want to keep your legs?" -The Doctor {Charmed} "Sean, If that incredible mind of yours was a beautiful woman with long legs, hair down to the small of her back and a come hither look, I'd make love to it all night. It's not, though; it's actually slimy, quite scary and probably what is referred to as 'criminally genius.' My love will have to wait." -Chuck Burke "I keep getting mistaken for Mao Tse-Tung. People constantly stop me in the middle of the street and say, 'Hey! Aren't you Mao Tse-Tung?' and I say, 'Only on the weekends, yeah.' Then they hit me with a baseball bat and I yell, 'what the hell was that for?' and they say, 'that's for the suppression of the masses, you bastard!'" -Cabman Gray "If Osiris storms the DJ booth bearing anything more than flowers, I'll be found in the men's room sucking my thumb and hiding under the toilet." -VooDoo "I have no response to that." -Angelica Graynamore {Joe Versus the Volcano} "It's an interesting commentary on modern society when 'back in the day' now represents a nostalgia for how things were three months ago." -Tarik Dozier "I think I met Osiris. Is he about nineteen feet tall and looks like a stunt double from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome?" -777 is my name "'Ah, audio clips.... What would we do without them?' Without audio clips, we would slowly peel the flesh from a drifter's bones to see how long it would take him to die of shock (approximately eight hours, give or take, depending on his prior physical condition), fashion a crude throne from the assorted bones, and sell the remains to an unscrupulous Kroger deli department manager. Yes, we would ALL do it. Don't deny it." -Tarik Dozier "When I grow old, I don't want people to say, 'What a sweet old lady.' I would much rather they say, 'Be careful; I think she's armed...'" -Lyra "Destiny's powerful hand has made the bed of my future and it's up to me to lie in it. I am destined to be a superhero, to right wrongs and pound two-fisted justice into the hearts of evil-doers everywhere. You don't fight destiny, no sir! And you don't eat crackers in the bed of your future or you get all... scratchy. Hey, I'm narrating here!" -The Tick