"It often helps to have an alternative external stimulus upon which to focus, the point of which is simply to effectively distract you from any withdrawl symptoms you might be experiencing. If this coincides with the pangs that compel you to pick up yet another cigarette, such a device also serves as a rather effective form of negative reinforcement. This is why I'm offering, entirely free of charge, to repeatedly smack you across the face with a 2x4. What's in it for me, you ask? Absolutely nothing, save for the fact that it warms my heart to perform such a selfless civic service. I suppose my days as a Boy Scout and their mandate to 'do a good turn daily' made a strong impression upon me. Now, before we begin our sessions, you'll need to fill out these forms...." -Tarik Dozier "Are my actions not louder than words? Ladies, I ask of you, how many times did I offer to bring you ketchup at a reasonable hour? How many innuendos have I slipped into our hotbox conversations? How many times have I offered to come over to your house wearing nothing but a bathrobe and alligator undies and surprise you with my 'special puppet show?'" -Yevla "Well, when children want attention, some of them work hard to engage noble pursuits that may, with diligence, achieve noteworthy ends and garner the accolades of the masses... whereas others throw tantrums. Some puppies just need to be swatted across the nose with a rolled-up newspaper every once in a while." -Tarik Dozier "After sex I usually wash the grease paint off my face and throw my clown suit in the wash before the stains have a chance to set. Then I put the leftovers in plastic bags and set them out with the trash." -Jet Piston "I know exactly who and what I am. I am just a fat guy who is here to make fun of you." -TheEric "You're not qualified to be condescending toward me. You might want to consider rethinking your position on this matter." -Tarik Dozier "I think if I see the overly-used word, 'jihad,' soon, that I may just have to kill lots of people, for religious reasons, of course." -Princess Brat "That's where the genius of the director comes in; he made it like this on purpose so you'll have time to adjust your face before it's rocked off." -Maddox "Our existence deforms the universe. That's responsibility." -Delirium "Aside from myself, there are basically two other types of people on the dance floor: those who are also moving and don't try to interrupt me during my grandiose, cathartic meditation, and those who - in one unfortunate form or another - get in the way. These categories are otherwise known as the quick and the dead." -Tarik Dozier "I find it's really hard to know if someone is crazy until after you've seen them naked." -Celeste "You never truly know people until you see them beg for their lives." -Tarik Dozier "To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but morally treasonous to the American public." -Theodore Roosevelt "I'm a good guy, generally law-abiding... but given the opprtunity, I would not hesitate to become a supervillain, a criminal genius, or anything that would result in my assuming a sinister alternate identity, a grandiose title, and having at my disposal a tiered assortment of like-minded, similarly-costumed henchmen, perhaps equipped with a sheep-powered ray gun of some sort. 'President of the United States' does not count." -Tarik Dozier "She's the most beautiful antichrist I've ever seen." -Ajax Duckman "Watch closely, and you will recognize a pattern to the phenomenon; those who feel that their points might lack validity would very often prefer to maintain a discrete distance between themselves and their own words. A significant amount of the Internet's vitriol is attributed not to people, but to usernames." -Tarik Dozier Homer: "How did the country lose its way, Mel? When did we stop rooting for the man with a flamethrower or an acid-spraying gun of some kind?" Mel: "I blame the Internet... and the return of swing music." -Homer Simpson & Mel Gibson "It's easy to spot this cat. If you are trying to cross the dance floor to go out back for a quiet place to smoke some ice, and all of the sudden you are dodging like the guy in the karate movie training sequence, that dark thing flying towards your head is Osiris's arm or leg. Move four feet away from that and look up. That'll be his head." -Mugsy "I just love those 'to compare, how was your experience with' questions, to which someone always has to raise a hand to respond, 'nonexistent!' This can happen on any topic, in any forum, and through any medium, which is perfectly paradigmatic of the human tendency to offer opinions on those subjects with which they have absolutely no recognizable practical familiarity." -Tarik Dozier "I'm only half girl, assuming you are what you eat; half girl, half bacon." -Mugsy "I have nothing against vacant pop music, but it's not healthy to live on white bread alone. Sometimes you need to get some whole grains into your system to flush it out." -Rick Valentin, Poster Children "If you mess with me, it'll be the dumbest thing you've ever done; and I'm sure, looking at you, that that says a lot." -Eric Bischoff {WWE Raw} "Ever since Kane set me on fire, I haven't had a lot of opportunity to feel sympathy for him. I'm sorry; excuse me." -Jim Ross {WWE Raw} "Now, from what I understand there are multiple levels of restraining orders. At what level is the girl just playing hard to get, and at what level is the girl just playing REALLY hard to get?" -Matthew Tobias "Edited due to misunderstanding. The gist was that I hope everyone bursts into flames." -Sean "Every night, right before I go to bed, I pray to my God (Taco the Destroyer), and ask that I be granted the power to turn humans in to pilliars of salt. Every day when I wake up, I try it, and see that my God has other plans for me." -TheEric "THIS IS NOT OUR FIRST GOATFUCK!" -Penn Jillette {Bullshit!} Lisa: "Dad, women won't like being shot in the face." Homer: "Women will like what I tell them to like." -Lisa & Homer Simpson "Yeah I saw him there; it was a life altering experience... in that not really kind of way." -Phoxie "You can't make an omelette without crushing a few souls." -TheEric "I ran out of my tube of sarcasm on the first page. Can I borrow some of yours?" -Loca "Agnostics don't usually go to church, Ruth; that's part of the appeal." -George Sibley {Six Feet Under} "I'm no stranger to hyperbole; I can overstate a vast assortment of things with a level of grace and finesse that would make Baptist televangelists weep with openly sinful envy." -Tarik Dozier "Violent films don't turn children into violent people. They may turn them into violent filmmakers, but that's another matter altogether." -Quentin Tarantino Quark: "We forced them to help us with... with..." Rom: "...with your insidious mind-control powers." Quark: "That's not bad." -Quark & Rom {ST:DS9} "So, you can see how that might be less than pleasant. What with the letter writing and the angry mothers and the subsequent stringing me up in town square for all to see." -Strong Bad "Good gravy. I've got two words for the children that are raised on that crap [Teletubbies]: HELD BACK. REPEATING THE THIRD GRADE. LOW STANDARDIZED TEST SCORES. I GUESS THAT WAS MORE THAN TWO WORDS." -Strong Bad "I require a mate worthy of my grace who's capable enough to assist me in the moderate task of conquering this planet and enslaving its populace simply because I don't want to have to do it by myself. Obviously, she'll have to be able to fit into the boots that will brutally crush all who would dare oppose us and our enlightened leadership, because if we do it lovingly together, it sets a good example for those among the cowering masses who manage to survive the Great Purges of the burgeoning Era of Pain. I believe in family values." -Tarik Dozier "Government big enough to supply everything you need is big enough to take everything you have.... The course of history shows that as a government grows, liberty decreases." -Thomas Jefferson "Among other things, Goth is also an exercise in dealing with intolerance from people who choose to assert arbitrary opinions as facts, make value judgments on things that fall outside of their spheres of basic knowledge (often based wholly on superficialities), and accept stereotypes at face value, despite the preponderance of what otherwise should be overwhelming evidence to the contrary." -Tarik Dozier "In the struggle between humanity and technology, humanity is clearly getting its ass kicked." -Amit Asaravala "My teacher says we need cupcakes... cupcakes to learn." -Lisa Simpson "I'm like a hamster, but big, and fat, and disgusting, and I have opposable thumbs, and I walk upright, and I am not covered with a tiny pelt, and I don't drink out of a metal drip-tube. Actually, I'm not really at all like a hamster, but just a big fat guy." -TheEric A: "What do we need to get those machines moved over to the new network?" B: "Well... we're going to need a disco ball and a pizza oven...." -IBM workplace shenanigans Marco: "What kind of madman are you?!" Sparks: "Oh... y'know... the regular kind." -Marco Marquez & Jodene Sparks {Sealab 2021} "There was a time in my youth where I was a warrior. I strode down the halls, defying anyone to challenge me to a duel. I saw the hesitation in many eyes, and in a rare few I saw the arrogance of those who were jealous of my spot, and sought to take it by force. One day, there was another warrior, who had run roughshod all over the area, and he had heard of my skills. He came to test me. We met in the arena, and gave one another the icy stare. We quickly drew our tools of destruction, and the fight was on. One attack after another, and as the battle wore on intellect was sorely needed, for brawn was not proving sufficent. In the end, chance intervened and my opponent felled me with a wave of his hand. Then I sold all my Magic: the Gathering cards. A life of peace began." -Yevla "You'd better mean it when you beg ME for mercy." -Pan {DBGT} McNulty: "You know what they call a guy who pays that much attention to his clothes, don't you?" Moreland: "Mmm hmm... 'a grown-up.'" -Det. James McNulty & Det. William Moreland {The Wire} "I can't stand vampires and people who claim to be them. If there are real vampires, then there should be real vampire hunters. I don't have a beef with Mr. Tepes, because I think we can all agree that impaling 20,000 people on stakes as a negotiating tactic is sufficiently awesome." -Maddox "How come YOU get a social worker? I'M the one with stigmata!" -Milhouse Van Houten {The Simpsons} "Oh, irony! Oh, no, no... we don't get that here. See, people ski topless here while smoking dope, so irony's not really a high priority. We haven't had any irony here since about, uh, '83, when I was the only practitioner of it. And I stopped because I was getting tired of being stared at." -C.D. Bales {Roxanne} "If you love your boomerang, let it go. If it returns to you, it will be your boomerang forever. If it doesn't, it was just a stick you threw at something." -L105 students, Fall 2004 "Well, thanks to recent federal legislation, extraordinarily obscene violence against clowns is no longer subject to legal or civil sanctions. Say what you will about the current administration, but thank goodness that we now have a Vice President who was once violated by a rodeo clown." -Tarik Dozier "Don't quantify the pus; the pus just is." -{Sealab 2021} "I know many of you reading this will probably think I'm exaggerating when I say this (since I exaggerate everything, except for my manliness, which is enviable)...." -Maddox "I want a chocolate chip cookie dough Blizzard SOO bad right now, but I'm on a diet. It's amazing how much that logic can turn in your favor when you want something that's irrational. Of course, first it's cheating on a diet, and then it's cheating on a woman, then it's killing her to hide the evidence, then it finally boils down to another Jeffrey Dahmer, and I'm back to square one... cheating on my diet by being a cannibal. If I eat this Blizzard, I'm doomed forever... or I could just gain a few ounces." -Westicles "Damn your sparkling wordplay!" -Homer Simpson "Woman, keep your clothes on. This is a family show... really." -Piper Halliwell {Charmed} "Where do these people come from, and why haven't they been shot yet? Search engines need to be a lot more intolerant of wanking dipshits. If you spell something wrong, it plants a virus into your computer as a warning. If you're a complete dumbass and type a complex sentence into a search engine, your computer gets formatted. None of this 'query not found' bullshit they have now. We need to teach people a lesson. Computers ARE NOT MEANT TO BE FRIENDLY. They're meant to be complex and intimidating. If you can't figure it out, you fail. You're off the team." -Maddox "My shrink says that I should not settle for the term, 'crazy.' I have achieved some kind of level that has yet to be defined by modern psychiatry. And I am Coo Coo for Coco Puffs." -Jimi "If you haven't bought a gun or a pickaxe at some point, then it's not a real relationship." -Roxy {Dead Like Me} "Well, today's your lucky day, because I just happen to be a holdin', strokin', lovin' machine. Also spankin'." -Philip Fry {Futurama} "But then again, your mate selection process seems to lack a certain... I dunno... selection process." -Mugsy "It could've been a lot worse if I hadn't been carrying this Bible in my crotch." -Homer Simpson "but then again, it's a thin line between freeform poetry and just indiscriminantly using the return key." -Zed "If you still think ninjas are dumb, try picturing yourself covered with ninja stars." -Robert Hamburger "You know how many free prints government representatives in Syria get? Well, pretty much all they want; it's a totalitarian state. But they're dark, somber digital prints, color-balanced by the forces of oppression and sent to the printer of tyranny via the USB cable of non-representative rulership." -Lore Sjoberg "I let the size of my stainless steel balls speak for my Machismo. They say, 'In spite his swishy name, the manliness of Jimi is vast and virile. His seed is the milk from which the world will be reborn.' Mind you, this is my sac talkin'; it talks a lot of shit." -Jimi "I don't really love computers, I just say that to get them into bed with me." -Terry Pratchett "On Saturday I certainly don't wake up at 6am, put on a Speedo, and go to swim practice. No, no, definitely not Speedo. But I do attend BATTLE AXE SESSIONS AT THE REC CENTER, with my teacher, Doulph Hauldhegen, The Instruc-TOR!" -Strong Bad "Well, umm, we're in a negotiation with this naked, pink individual." -Bob {Babe: Pig in the City} Bob: "So, will this little pink lunchness fulfill his destiny, nourishmentally speaking?" Thelonius: "We shall see." Babe: "I feel very uncomfortable with this conversation." -Bob, Thelonius, and Babe {Babe: Pig in the City} "Sometimes after an electrical storm, I see in five dimensions. Why are the sixty of you looking at me that way?" -Cornfed {Duckman} "It is no secret that the west side of any town is a dangerous place. But this young wigger is captured wearing her location as a badge of courage, addressing the problems of suburbia in a way that the Minnetonka city council never could." -Wiggaz.com "I'm literally angry with rage!" -Philip Fry {Futurama} "There is no emoticon to express what I am feeling right now!" -Comic Book Guy {The Simpsons} "Anybody that comes out here and says 'I'm a die-hard Democrat' or 'I'm a die-hard Republican' pretty much tells you that they don't have a brain, and they're not choosing anything based on candidates." -John Bradshaw Layfield "She speaks English a lot better'n I do." -Pres. George W. Bush, on his wife "As an interesting side note, Chuck used to take Judo. For a long time. He'll slap you retarded and then make ugly, horrible, brutal love to you. Your only prayer should be to remain unconscious after the beating." -Mugsy "It's more than likely (if you believe most Science Fiction authors), that at some point in the future there will be a conflict between humans and robots. At first it will seem as if the robots are too powerful and advanced to overwhelm. You won't be able to trust your toaster at this point. Then some high school kid from the basement of the science building will realize that all the robots can be effectively shutdown by using a hacked Tivo remote and some chewing gum and the world will be saved. Yay. Until then, though, robots should be considered friendly." -Thinkgeek.com 1: "Man, this Hieronymus Bosch is heavy!" 2: "That's because he deals with man's inclination towards sin, in defiance of God's will." 1: "I didn't mean it like that." -security guards relocating paintings {Volcano} "There's a word for people who buy into all of this without giving a second thought to any sort of critical analysis of what should simply be considered entertainment: 'idiots.' People who choose not to think for themselves - who would allow a television program or a tabloid to strongly influence their ideas in matters of science, governance, and the conspiracies therein - have more problems than their beliefs in the alien autopsy." -Tarik Dozier "It is the height of arrogance to impose this administration's version of freedom on another country." -Alanis Morissette "Perhaps I've been too hard on the President. I mean, come on; who among us hasn't bombed the wrong country or united the world against us?" -Bill Maher "I think I'm going to stuff you into a suitcase. Bring underwear." -Tarik Dozier "Life is no way to treat an animal, not even a mouse." -Kurt Vonnegut "That is exactly the type of attitude that's going to get someone's ass kicked tonight." -Triple H "It's a good idea to look at yourself and determine what bait you are using to lure in a good man. If you are counting on perky tits and a cute smile, you're replaceable. Like, replaceable this afternoon; don't even worry about long-term." -Mugsy "I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity." -Gilda Radner "Procreation does not require changing how you smell, or writing bad poetry, or sacrificing various plants to serve as tokens of affection." -Odo {ST:DS9} "Perfect; not only is it illegal, it's sacrilegious." -Quark {ST:DS9} O'Brien: "Oh, I'm perfectly healthy, except that I have this disgusting cyst on the back of my neck. Now, either I paint a nose, eyes and mouth on it and pretend I've got two heads, or you take it off." Bashir: "Well... I'll get you some paint." -Chief Miles O'Brien & Dr. Julian Bashir {ST:DS9} "Have you ever heard the old saw about how if you had a million monkeys with a million typewriters you would eventually get all of the great literary works of humanity? The Westicles simulator takes three chimps, a book of madlibs, and a case of scotch. Improve." -Mugsy "Never send an e-mail when a bathroom wall will do." -A. "I'm not entitled to ramble on about something everyone already knows." -Capt. Jean-Luc Picard {ST:TNG} "I'm never one to poop on a party, unless, of course, it's one of those parties." -Eric Duckman "Race is really an outdated idea; I think you mean 'color.' Keep in mind that in most of the world, racism is based on things that you or I couldn't identify if we had a cheat sheet and a videotape to review. I can't tell a Croat from a Serb, or a Hutu from a Tutsi, or a Kurd from a Sunni. And really, why should I? Meat is meat, and a man's gotta eat. They all taste the same in chili." -Mugsy Mason: "Seeing you in that dress makes me feel funny in my pants." Roxy: "I'm armed, and you're not. Do we have to go down this road again?" -Mason & Roxy {Dead Like Me} "Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day." -Rainer Maria Rilke