"The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself." -Henry Miller "You HAD to? Well, I have to hit you on the head!" -Pan {DBGT} "If you must shoot our father, please try to remember our family motto, 'not in the face.'" -Lisa Simpson "Life is like a box of chocolates: a cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for, unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So you're stuck with this indefinable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while there's a peanut butter cup or an English toffee, but they're gone too fast and the taste is... fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts; and if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you've got left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrappers." -The Cigarette Smoking Man {The X-Files} "Death is that state in which one exists only in the memory of others, which is why it is not an end. No goodbyes, just good memories." -Lt. Tasha Yar {ST:TNG} "Finally science has joined forces with revenge." -Homer Simpson "The first and most important thing God wants you to do is enjoy your life. The second is to help someone else enjoy theirs." -Pastor T.L. Barrett, Jr. "The mission statement of Jesus is that you might have life, and have that more abundantly. He did not say that you might be Baptist or C.O.G.I.C. or Catholic or Lutheran. That's your mess, not God's." -Pastor T.L. Barrett, Jr. "I woke up and spent a good amount of time wondering why, in the face of a zombie apocalypse, would I bring my baseball cards with me." -Paul Czarnowski "This has it all! Drama! Action! Homoeroticism! And Stacy Keibler!" -Paul Czarnowski, "at least there's pro-wrestling" "Just remember: it's your suicide, have fun with it." -Maddox "Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders." -Friedrich Nietzsche "For Christmas this year, I'd like Ernest Borgnine, Julia Sawalha, Paul 'Triple H' Levesque, and Dawn French to start rehearsing right now, so they can come over to my house with the Kronos and Brodsky quartets and perform - in four-part harmony - 'Requiem' from Geinoh Yamashirogumi's Akira soundtrack. And a pony." -Tarik Dozier "The best way to express your feelings about somebody you don't like is to cut off their head. That way, there's no misunderstanding." -Robert Hamburger "Go perform fellatio on a male orangutan of dubious personal hygiene while tap dancing on a bed of molten lava and jamming red-hot needles through both ears, you abderitic pithecoid. Nyah." -PirateKing "Oh, Shelton, you may not realize this... but you're an African-American; and everyone knows that African-Americans are attracted to Canadian white women with broken noses. I'm sorry, but the FCC is not going to tolerate this." -Vince McMahon {WWE Raw} "Hey, don't tell me I don't understand, Because I don't And I don't think I want to anyways. So you can keep your pain; I have my own, And so does everyone else in their own way And their own world, and you're alone, Because that's the way you want it. And if it gets you down, Do something about it." -Sister Soleil, "Don't Tell Me" "There's no way to have a revolution if you stay underground." -Courtney Taylor "You will never come across a greater adversary than your own potential." -Dr. Paul Stubbs {ST:TNG} "Truth be told, the world's a disgusting place. Since we're helpless to do anything about it, we've decided to embrace its many horrors." -Charles Duckman "Ah, big deal; this kind of thing's common. Who hasn't broken into an ex-girlfriend's house and left the occasional note written in blood or a small, dead animal on her pillow?" -Eric Duckman "We either live life as though everything is a miracle, or as though nothing is." -Albert Einstein "That's right; I am most definitely the president." -The President {Super Milk-chan} "College radio can pretty much be summed up in five words: Dead air, um, dead air." -Strong Bad Venture: "Couldn't you just... magic it away or something?" Orpheus: "No more than you could just science it away." -Dr. Thaddeus Venture & Dr. Orpheus {The Venture Bros.} "I wasn't an 'evil' kid; I just pulled a lot of pranks that happened to be felonies." -Christopher Titus "Screw normal. If you're normal, yes, the crowd will accept you; but if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader." -Christopher Titus "So don't you come out here with your over-the-top, ridiculous championship celebration. In case you forgot, I invented the over-the-top, ridiculous championship celebrations, bucko." -Kurt Angle {WWE Smackdown!} Dax: "Sooner or later, you're going to have to adapt." Worf: "Perhaps in the end it will be all of you that will have to adapt to me." -Lt. Cmdr. Jadzia Dax & Lt. Cmdr. Worf {ST:DS9} "Chiswick, fresh horses! We ride at once to rebellious Stoke, where it is my sworn intent to approach the city walls, bare my broad buttocks, and shout, 'Behold, I honor thee most highly!'" -King Richard IV {The Black Adder} "The way I see it, watching wrestling isn't any different than watching 'real' sports. Your hometown team doesn't represent you; it represents an effort to extract money from your pocket. If your interest in an athletic event is based in entertainment and not emotion, then watching wrestling is no more absurd than watching hockey or basketball. If your interest is emotional, perhaps you might question why." -Steven Nyczyk Joy: "I'm here for your hypnotherapy session, Hesh." Hesh: "No, no, no, no, no; Hesh ain't fallin' for that again! Last time that happened, Hesh woke up with an ass full of quarters!" Joy: "And how did that make you feel?" Hesh: "Like a million dollars... or $2.75, 'cause that's about how many quarters there were when I was done counting them after I removed them from my ass!" -Joy & Hesh {Sealab 2021} "Osiris Ani droppin' some knowledge on ya, bitches. Wake up." -beatnikdaddio Worf: "Terminating a relationship should not be taken so frivilously." Dax: "Not every relationship has to end like a Klingon opera." Worf: "Oh, no, no... just the ones that are important." -Lt. Cmdr. Worf & Lt. Cmdr. Jadzia Dax {ST:DS9} "Please... no cliches before breakfast." -Jake Sisko {ST:DS9} "I may have mentioned I was wearing a rubber undergarment." -Geri Turner {NYPD Blue} "I want everything I should want at this time of my life. Maybe I want the life I didn't choose." -Dana Scully {The X-Files} "The one constant in the universe is Females Are Trouble." -Quark {ST:DS9} "The one thing that guarantees our freedom and independence is responsiblity. We lost that somewhere between Vietnam and presidential blowjobs." -Alex {Liberty Stands Still} Sisko: "Neck bothering you again?" Dax: "It's just a muscle pull." Sisko: "Is that the eighth muscle pull this month?" Odo: "Actually, I believe Commander Dax has been treated for seven muscle pulls, two contusions, and three cracked ribs. The only person who's spent more time in the infirmary is Commander Worf." Sisko: "Isn't there any way that the two of you could, uh... you know...." Dax: "...make love?" Sisko: "...without injuring yourselves?" Dax: "Interspecies romance isn't without its danger. That's part of the fun." -Capt. Benjamin Sisko, Lt. Cmdr. Jadzia Dax, & Constable Odo {ST:DS9} "I'm sorry; are you saying this was one small stab for man, one giant slice for mankind? That is absurd." -Asst. District Attorney Serena Southerlyn {Law & Order} "I received a violin for Christmas. Now I just need to sell my soul to Satan in order to learn how to play it. It's interesting that no other instruments have soul-selling as a prerequisite to proficiency... you never hear of anyone making a deal with the Devil in order to master the bagpipes or something." -Curiosity Valentine "China: Where pimps and panda killers are brought down by the same swift bullet of justice. I'm buying my plane ticket." -Curiosity Valentine "Stack the boxes up real high. Try to make it look like we're not throwing away a mummy." -Frylock {Aqua Teen Hunger Force} "Testicles remind us of our fragile humanity. Bungee jumping and sky-diving also remind us of this. But testicles are free. Never underestimate the fragility of your testicles. Unlike the tidy groin of a woman, your testicles are 'out there' for the world to see." -Scrotal Safety Commission (AstroBase Go!) "Who writes this stuff anyway?" -Tazz, on his insipid dialogue with Michael Cole {WWE Smackdown!} "My mind runs a million miles an hour and I couldn't catch a thought today." -Lara Augustine-Smith "It is your duty to change the world if you can." -Mark Thackeray {To Sir, With Love} "To my mind, marriage is no way of life for the weak, the selfish, or the insecure." -Mark Thackeray {To Sir, With Love} "So long as we learn, it doesn't matter who teaches us, does it?" -Grace Evans {To Sir, With Love} "Sure, that's ironic... well, only if you don't actually know what the word, 'ironic,' means." -Tarik Dozier Dukat: "The Cardassian Institute of Art has decided to exhibit three of Ziyal's drawings." Kira: "Really? That's wonderful; she must be excited." Dukat: "I'm hosting a celebration in my quarters tonight. I hope you'll join us." Kira: "What time?" Dukat: "Uh, 21:30... unless I'm unavoidably delayed." Kira: "Ah, the busy life of an interstellar despot." -Gul Dukat & Maj. Kira Nerys {ST:DS9} "And now to kill you. There may be a slight ringing in your ears. Fortunately, you'll be nowhere near them." -Cecil Terwilliger {The Simpsons} "If I had a nickel for every time I got into a fist-fight during a chick flick...." -Tony {How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days} "Actually, there is a marked difference between the concepts of 'strong- willed' and 'bitchy,' much like there are disparate definitions for words like 'resolute' and 'obstinate.' For the most part, only people who fall into the latter categories tend to insist that they're synonymous." -Tarik Dozier "I don't have all the answers; I've never been dead before." -Ensign Ro Laren {ST:TNG} "Most do not fully see this truth that life is difficult. Instead they moan more or less incessantly, noisily or subtly, about the enormity of their problems, their burdens, and their difficulties as if life were generally easy, as if life should be easy. They voice their belief, noisily or subtly, that their difficulties represent a unique kind of affliction that should not be and that has somehow been especially visited upon them, or else upon their families, their tribe, their class, their nation, their race or even their species, and not upon others." -Dr. M. Scott Peck "Yes, I'm analytical, so if you have a problem with that, you better stay at least six standard deviations away. Otherwise you are likely to fall into a pit of knowledge, which envelops you into cerebration, quantitative analysis, structure, and helps you to find how it really is 'all in the details.'" -Lara Augustine-Smith "I feel terrible for Amy having to endure this painful road that I've been traveling the last four-plus months. A lot of couples get matching tattoos, but it really takes some dedication to get matching ACL [anterior cruciate ligament] total reconstructive surgery scars on your left knees." -Matt Hardy, on the knee injury he and Amy "Lita" Dumas have in common Sisko: "Who's watching Tolar?" Garak: "I've locked him in his quarters. I've also left him with the distinct impression that if he attempts to force the door open, it may explode." Sisko: "I hope that's just an impression." Garak: "It's best not to dwell on such minutiae." -Capt. Benjamin Sisko & Elim Garak {ST:DS9} "Commander of Deep Space Nine, and the Emissary to the Prophets, decorated combat officer, widower, father, mentor; and, oh yes, the man who started the war with the Dominion. Somehow I thought you'd be taller." -Senator Vreenak {ST:DS9} "You try to raise your kids as secular humanists, but these showbiz types keep shoving religion down our throats!" -concerned mother {The Simpsons} "I didn't watch the Super Bowl this year. I prefer bloodsports, or Greco- Roman wrestling, or badminton." -Stewart Griffin {Family Guy} Washington: "We talk a lot about killing off the human race, but have we thought about how we're going to do it?" Oakley: "I thought we'd use rocks." -George Washington & Annie Oakley {Home Movies} "Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one and only truth." -Alfonse Elric {Fullmetal Alchemist} "What is it about your cranium that invites such folly?" -Alicia Browning {Home Room} "I am a Klingon warrior and a Starfleet officer; I have piloted starships through Dominion minefields; I have stood in battle against Kelvans twice my size; I have courted and won the heart of the magnificent Jadzia Dax! If I can do these things, I can make this child go to sleep!" -Lt. Cmdr. Worf {ST:DS9} "A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty." -Albert Einstein "That's why you're a good parent; you know all the cliches by heart." -Cassidy Yates {ST:DS9} "Just pretend that you're not starring in a snuff film." -Tarik Dozier "One fire extinguisher is enough for Mad Dog!" -Ned Flanders {The Simpsons} "Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed." -Booker T. Washington "Maybe my memories are playing tricks on me, but have you gotten stranger?" -Ezri Dax {ST:DS9} "Are these [pants] made in some other country where people aren't symmetrical?" -Dewey Wilkerson {Malcolm in the Middle} "I saw this rap video the other day, and it just had several African- American men standing by a luxury automobile, surrounded by a lot of women in bikinis. They were all wearing designer clothing and I couldnt make out a lot of what they were saying, but I heard the words 'blunt,' 'bling,' and 'my ho' a lot. Can someone help me find the name of the song? It's catchy." -Beatnikdaddio *whips out egg beater* "Come on honey, this is legal now!" -Lepus "But you know the old saying: You win some, you lose some. And then there's that little-known third category." -Al Gore "What were you doing alive, these men thought, if you didn't go and try?" -Robert Kurson, _Shadow Divers_ "When I read great literature, great drama, speeches, or sermons, I feel that the human mind has not achieved anything greater than the ability to share feelings and thoughts through language." -James Earl Jones "Nothing says 'dark gloom of my soul' like Moons Over My Hammy." -Keta "Oh, come on! Anna Nicole Smith will do anything for a couple of daiquiris and some mayonnaise." -Rob Corddry {The Daily Show} "MY hubris is WAY better than YOUR hubris." -Tarik Dozier "Actually, 45% of our CO2 emissions come from chanting, 'USA, USA.'" -Jon Stewart {The Daily Show} "...it's not my business to do intelligent work." -US Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld "Maybe she was overwhelmed by the hotness." -Amanda Ware "If you send up a weather vane or put your thumb up in the air every time you want to do something different, to find out what people are going to think about it, you're going to limit yourself. That's a very strange way to live." -Jessye Norman "I can accept failure; everyone fails at something. But I can't accept not trying." -Michael Jordan "Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece." -Lisa Simpson "The workings of the human heart are the profoundest mystery of the universe. One moment they make us despair of our kind, and the next we see in them the reflection of the divine image." -Charles W. Chesnutt "Folks who can't handle a self-reference paradox are real suckers!" -Tachikoma {Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex} "Earlier today, I vocally complained about how someone had mistakenly labeled an action-item as an FYI... and then upon reflection, I felt a little bit dirty." -Tarik Dozier "This book will kick so much ass that it may reverse progress made towards world peace during the last fifty years." -Maddox "Next on the Fox evening news... BOOBIES! Because breasts are newsworthy if we SAY they're newsworthy." -Tarik Dozier "Prepare for a pride-obliterating bitch-slap." -Ignignokt {Aqua Teen Hunger Force} "No water! No liquids! I'm terribly allergic to them!" -Loretta King {Ed Wood} "All I can say is Fox has a pretty good system they've cooked up. Ten million people watch the show on the network, Fox, then five million different people people tune in to Fox News to get outraged by it. I just hope that those good, God-fearing people at Fox continue to battle those morally-bankrupt people at Fox." -Lewis Black {The Daily Show} "Normality is banality, and very often mediocrity; I see no benefit in making a conscious effort to subscribe to it, nor do I seek to effectively empathize with it. The extraordinary is not normal; the interesting is not normal. That's why we have words like 'extraordinary' and 'interesting;' to distinguish them from concepts like 'ordinary,' 'standard,' 'mundane,' and, oh yes, 'normal.'" -Tarik Dozier "Though I can't claim to relate to the vast majority of humanity, I can at least often recognize its patterns. People frequently don't make sense, but they do tend to not make sense with something of a foolish consistency. It's a great paradox... but not really." -Tarik Dozier "Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter." -Kip Dynamite {Napoleon Dynamite} "Not what you were after? I know, I'm grossly unqualified for this job, but for what Chuck pays us, you're lucky we speak English." -Mugsy "Case in point: you pick up a woman from her apartment to go out for coffee, and she doesn't mind that you were slightly late, because she'd been occupied with compiling her Linux kernel. Say what you will of this particular scenario, but I think that's, like, totally hot." -Tarik Dozier Vash: "It's over, Q; I want you out of my life. You are arrogant, you're overbearing, and you think you know everything." Q: "But I DO know everything!" Vash: "That makes it even worse!" -Vash & Q {ST:DS9} "In heaven, we're only stalked by people we want to get to know." -Chuck Burke "You can't trust waterfowl." -Kathleen Dickason "Some poeple like to just drink vanilla milkshakes. And then some people don't just like to drink vanilla milshakes, they feel the need to SMACK the HELL out of it and tie it up with straw papers and put it in a leather cup, and then drink it." -Pooptar "You gotta think of the craziest thing you can, set it on fire, chase it with a shark, and then you're gettin' somewheres!" -Max {Sealab 2021} "This dead turtle is the perfect gift for the person in your life too irresponsible to care for a living turtle. It has all the pros (sturdy, portable, totally hot) without the cons (digestion). Cover in chocolate and eat. We don't care. Real turtle. Rattles a bit." -adultswim.com/shop