"The inanity of that comment is indeed so incredibly profound that I haven't the faculties to adequately describe it. They should have sent a poet." -Tarik Dozier "The real distinction is between those who adapt their purposes to reality and those who seek to mold reality in the light of their purposes." -Henry Kissinger "Gaze upon this unholy union of bear and lamp. Henceforth, it shall stand upon thy nightstand as a symbolic rejection of everything 'society' holds dear and true. See how the bear's eyes light up as if enraged with demonic passion?! Pink lampshade recommended." -adultswim.com/shop "He's A-OK, this paint-by-numbers bulldog. He's gonna be just fine. By the way, he owns an alternate-universe factory that has enslaved your parents and forced them to eat barbed wire, but he's doing just super." -adultswim.com/shop Gaea: "Why would it need a reset button?" Tarik: "Well, why would it need a burst-into-flames button?" -Gaea & Tarik Dozier, on the situation with his old water heater Kira: "You got a better idea?" Dax: "I'm the science officer; it's my job to have a better idea." -Major Kira Nerys & Lt. Jadzia Dax {ST:DS9} "I'll never play nice, but I will instead play havoc with the corpses of the fallen who'd once stood idly in my path, decimated purely for the sake of my own frivolous amusement! I'll fashion their bones into crude knickknacks, ostentatious baubles, and intricate novelty marital aids and sell them well below market cost at local craft fairs, just to mock the other artisans, merchants, and the religious right! And then I'll bite my thumb at thee!" -Tarik Dozier "I got a two-part question. One, what's he doing there? Two, should we light him on fire?" -Meatwad {Aqua Teen Hunger Force} McCoy: "Is that the best you can do, Mr. Roche, rhetoric?" Roche: "Is that the best you can do, Mr. McCoy, sanctimony?" -Jack McCoy & Paul Roche {Law & Order} "Y'know, no one enjoys the drama and the excitement of the NBA playoffs more than I do, but sometimes... I miss the dead bodies." -Magic Johnson "Never let it be said that I don't know how to have a good time. In the process, you might not enjoy it, but that's not really the issue." -Tarik Dozier "I don't actually have to put much effort into mocking people. Considering the atrocious manner in which most humans conduct themselves, my material pretty much writes itself." -Tarik Dozier "I like to go to the playground to watch the kids scream and shout. They don't know I'm using blanks." -Akasha "And how about everyone here not saying the word, 'dick,' anymore? It provokes... my envy." -Danica Talos {Blade Trinity} Greene: "This one girl, I drove through three states wearing her head as a hat." Poe: "Y'know, it's my daughter's birthday today, so please feel free NOT to share everything with me!" -Garland "The Marietta Mangler" Greene & Cameron Poe {Con Air} "What makes an apology truly great is the inherent risk involved in offering one. There's nothing implicit within a sincere and forthright apology that demands that it be accepted. It is the adult thing to admit to wrongdoing and not automatically expect that all will thus be forgiven." -Tarik Dozier "I am still struggling with what I've become." -A. "Rock should never be in bed with politics. If you're listening to a rock star in order to get your information on who to vote for, you're a bigger moron than they are. Why are we rock stars? Because we're morons. We sleep all day, we play music at night and very rarely do we sit around reading the Washington Journal." -Alice Cooper "Every once in a while, every once in a while, there's a day with an absolute right and an absolute wrong; but those days almost always include body counts. Other than that, there aren't very many un-nuanced moments in leading a country that's way too big for ten words. I'm the president of United States, not the president of the people who agree with me, and, by the way, if the Left has a problem with that, they should vote for somebody else." -President Josiah Bartlet {The West Wing} "The president just reminded us that complexity isn't a vice." -Claudia Jean Cregg {The West Wing} "Yes, on Mojo, the inmates run the asylum; but I'd always rather have more Lecters than Mansons." -Tarik Dozier "This is what you would call one of those 'parental guidance' moments." -Triple H {WWE Raw} "Let's just say it involves a pit bull on a sled in chaps." -Ryan Stiles "Alger Hiss just walked in with my secret pumpkin." -Sam Seaborn {The West Wing} "To err is human; to forgive... is simply not my policy." -A. "Well, I think, for help with that question, we're going to need some people smarter than I am. The thing is, that's pretty tough to find." -Josh Lyman {The West Wing} "Each success only buys an admission ticket to a more difficult problem." -Henry Kissinger "There, you see how benevolent I can be when everybody just does what I tell them to do?" -President Josiah Bartlet {The West Wing} "The problem with the world is there's too many stupid people and nobody to eat 'em." -Carlos Mencia "I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection." -Jonathan Swift, "A Modest Proposal" Bartlet: "You're right." Ziegler: "That's... that's an unusual phrase for you, sir. Did you just learn it?" -President Josiah Bartlet & Toby Ziegler {The West Wing} "That show only furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny." -Chris Griffin {Family Guy} "A deep, unwavering belief is a sure sign you're missing something." -A. "Three-pronged Scythian death spear: category six; weapons cabinet, third shelf. You know, back in my days as a rogue demon hunter, I once used that very spear to pin down what I thought was a small Rodentius demon. Of course, the poodle's owners weren't very happy." -Wesley Wyndam-Pryce {Angel} "Oh, don't be silly, Trish; it's just a severed head." -Roger Burkle {Angel} "That was just a random thought I had. What if you had to do battle with your arms cut off? Sure, you'd hemorrhage to death pretty quick, but at least you could take your enemy with you!" -Winifred "Fred" Burkle {Angel} "There is at least one unfortunate major security flaw in the Microsoft Windows installer. By design, it installs Windows onto your computer." -Tarik Dozier "We tried to stop her by hitting her fists and feet with our faces, but...." -Charles Gunn {Angel} "Hey, Mike, you think you can toss me my calculations? Thanks! Ah, here it is. 'Breach Hull - All Die.' Even had it underlined." -Crow T. Robot {MST3K: The Movie} "The absence of alternatives clears the mind marvelously." -Henry Kissinger "Hi, you've reached the Tittles; we can't come to the phone right now. If you want to leave a message for Christine, press one, or Bentley, press two... or to speak to or worship Master Tarfall, Underlord of Pain, press three." -answering machine {Angel} "I don't know where you get the idea that taxpayers shouldn't have to pay for anything of which they disapprove. Lots of 'em don't like tanks. Even more don't like Congress." -Toby Ziegler {The West Wing} "Aren't you afraid that one day I'm just going to kick your ass like it's never been kicked?" -President Josiah Bartlet {The West Wing} "I'm fed up with the idea that sharing is caring. I don't like to share. I don't want anyone using my bandwidth, my CPU-cycles, my hard drive, or my bathroom." -nso "The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer." -Henry Kissinger "No news is very, very bad news. If we're not running offense, we're running defense; and if we're playing defense, then there's some clever sports analogy that explains what happens then." -Claudia Jean Cregg {The West Wing} "A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy people enough to make it worth the effort." -Herm Albright "Anti-feminist, anti-choice, anti-gay, anti-secular, anti-gun control, anti-foreigner, anti-human rights, anti-science, and anti-speech. Religion shouldn't promote hatred, and it can never justify violence. So why is it that, other than Jesus, the only thing that extreme fundamentalists of all faiths really disagree about is where to put the bombs?" -Rob Fairchild "You know your god is man-made when he hates all the same people you do." -A. "But most of all the problem [with the Atari Jaguar] was Atari's marketing. Atari couldn't market immortality." -YesIAmAScript "I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." -Bill Cosby "Our mistakes from the past are just that - mistakes; and they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became. You never got drunk and pissed yourself? Or sold drugs to school children? Or panicked when you couldn't get it up at a bachelor party and killed a hooker? Hey, if only hindsight could come without having to mess up first." -Bill Maher "I have seen the future, and it is inconvenient." -A. "I won't buy one-dollar lottery tickets because I don't like to gamble, but you expect me to buy $15 records that I may or may not like? Dream on, buddy." -doubledoh "There's a lot of reasons why they hate us. You know when they're gonna like us? When we win. I don't remember having to explain to Italians that our problem wasn't with them, but with Mussolini. Why does the U.S. have to take every Arab country out for an ice cream cone? They'll like us when we win." -Toby Ziegler {The West Wing} "What's the point of having warm testicles if your nipples are cold?" -Dave Foley Cordy: "Wait! Angel, before you go, we have to do that thing." Angel: "What thing?" Cordy: "That thing we do. You know, that thing where I say, 'Are you sure you know what you're doing? Angel, please think about this,' and then you ignore me and rush headlong into trouble?" Angel: "Right; that thing... 'kay, we done?" -Cordelia Chase & Angel "This user has been locked in the trunk of a 1980 Cadillac along with his PC and has been driven up and down a very bumpy road for several hours, and we believe that the problem is now resolved. Thank you for the report." -DShield.org FightBack "Yes, the Mac OS port of Firefox is an embarrassment. The interface is responsive in the same way that steering a rocket by sending olfactory messages to slugs is responsive." -ArbitraryConstant "I don't 'surf the Web,' because the phrase itself doesn't make any sense. At its basic core, the idea of actually surfing on a web of some sort is logically incongruous enough to safely be classified as jibberish." -Tarik Dozier "The only way to tell the difference between a hamster and a gerbil is that the hamster has more white meat." -A. "When I ask, 'What could go wrong?' I want the answer. Explosive visual aids are recommended." -Chrispy "The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll. She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love." -DeGourmont "We'll need two thousand crickets, four cans of Easy Cheese, and the fluid from eighteen glowsticks for this plan to work...." -ph0n1c "The price of greatness is responsibility." -Winston Churchill "No man is useless who has a friend, and if we are loved we are indispensable." -Robert Louis Stevenson "Dealing with failure is easy: Work hard to improve. Success is also easy to handle: You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve." -A. "Choose something else to be your lost cause; this one never qualified." -Tarik Dozier "This isn't hypocrisy because we don't call it that. Hope this helps." -A. Fred: "No. He's gonna die." Gunn: "What do you mean, 'die?'" Fred: "I don't know yet, but it's going to be about pain.... How about a flail whipping? Would that take a nice, long time?" Angel: "Hours, if you do it right. Not that you should do it... at all... ever." -Winifred "Fred" Burkle, Charles Gunn, & Angel Josh: "Victory is mine, victory is mine, great day in the morning, people, victory is mine!" Donna: "Good morning, Josh." Josh: "I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land." Donna: "It's gonna be an unbearable day." -Josh Lyman & Donna Moss {The West Wing} "Do just once what others say you can't do, and you will never pay attention to their limitations again." -James R. Cook "No folly is more costly than the folly of intolerant idealism." -Winston Churchill "Decisions are made by those who show up." -Aaron Sorkin "You know, I was watching a television program before with a sort of a roving moderator who spoke to a seated panel of young women who are having some sort of problems with their boyfriends, apparently because the boyfriends have all slept with the girlfriend's mothers. Then they brought all the boyfriends out and they fought right there on television. Toby, tell me... these people don't vote, do they?" -President Josiah Bartlet {The West Wing} "If we don't believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don't believe in it at all." -Noam Chomsky "Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example." -A. Bartlet: "Listen, I know we're here for a serious purpose, for a sober purpose, but I wanted to say I've never been a part of a street gang before, and that's basically what we are - a pretty well- financed one - but anyway, I wanted to say it feels good, and I think when we're done with this meeting, I think we should go out and get girls and, I don't know, maybe knock over a fruit stand or something." McGarry: "Okay." Bartlet: "We're going to need to learn to sing and dance." McGarry: "You want to hunker down?" Bartlet: "Okay, just for that, when it comes time to give out gang nicknames, you're going to be... I don't know, but you're not going to have a good nickname." McGarry: "Okay." -President Josiah Bartlet & Leo McGarry {The West Wing} "Reason number one why I use FreeBSD over Linux: I just want a UNIX-like operating system without a revolution packaged with it. Talk about bloat." -compass46 "Indecision is the seedling of fear." -Napoleon Hill "Nothing is so exhausting as indecision, and nothing is so futile." -Bertrand Russell "To teach how to live without certainty and yet without being paralysed by hesitation is perhaps the chief thing that philosophy, in our age, can do for those who study it." -Bertrand Russell "Our doubts are traitors And make us lose the good we oft might win By fearing to attempt." -William Shakespeare "Who needs rhetorical questions, anyway?" -A. "Each problem that I solved became a rule, which served afterwards to solve other problems." -Rene Descartes "I'm good for exactly two things: international superstardom or helping a vampire with a soul to rid the world of evil. That makes for a short but colorful resume." -Cordelia Chase {Angel} "Doing something utterly pointless with half the resources makes you twice as productive." -A. "Life is like rock climbing... you set a goal on how far you want to go up, you establish a network of tools for safety in case you fall on the way there, and then you work extremely hard physically and mentally to reach that goal. Those without goals never get to see the top of the world." -Lara Augustine-Smith "When the only tool you have is a claw hammer, everything starts to look like the back of someone's skull." -A. "For the most part, only a family member or very close friend can push your buttons effectively enough to drive you to murder. Strangers? Bah! Gotta be crazy to want to murder someone you don't know." -Dun Malg "Microsoft is 'Do it our way.' Open source tends to be 'You can do it any way you want... but if you don't do it my way you're an idiot.'" -Mark Shallow "You can never go home again... but I guess you can shop there." -A. "I may be wrong, but I bet we were the only kids whose parents almost got divorced because of the relative size of their plastic deep sea divers." -Owen Dunne {You Damn Kid} "Sure, Windows is easier to use than Linux. But eventually you just get so frustrated that you have to take an angle-grinder to your computer, and it really takes a long time to get all the little bits of metal out of the carpet." -Suso Banderas "Humans are slow, inaccurate, and brilliant; computers are fast, accurate, and dumb. Together they are unbeatable." -A. "Only a mediocre person is always at his best." -Laurence Peter "The computer should be doing the hard work. That's what it's paid to do, after all." -Larry Wall "Using analogies to compare the Internet with real life is like trying to rationalize the universe with a bag of marbles." -A. "In my house, anyone who uses one word when they could have used ten just isn't trying hard." -President Josiah Bartlet {The West Wing} "Gentlemen, I think we have found an untapped source of energy. The methane generated from this man's bullshit could power our world for decades." -Kenneth Calhoun "It should be obvious to even the most dimwitted individual who has an advanced degree in hyperbolic topology! Glaven!" -cmburns69 "However, it seems reasonable to me to be able to like more than one thing. Yay for variety." -Andrew McClure "The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration." -Pearl S. Buck "Know that although in the eternal scheme of things you are small, you are also unique and irreplaceable, as are all your fellow humans everywhere in the world." -Margaret Laurence "The only people that don't want to play the blame game are those who are to blame." -Jon Stewart "History teaches that war begins when governments believe the price of aggression is cheap." -Ronald Reagan "Religion is a gateway psychosis." -Dave Foley "What about the title, 'Chief Technology Officer,' are you earning if you don't know what your systems are running and/or being used for?" -Marcus J. Ranum "It's not a comeback if you have to come back and say it." -Amy Gray {Judging Amy} "They're starting to run out of chrome and tailfins. Now they're starting to put tits on the squid." -Kevin Gavitt Bartlet: "Two thousand environmentalists are going to try to kill me tomorrow night." Young: "We should go, sir." Bartlet: "They're going to come at me with vegan food and pitchforks." Young: "That doesn't really sound like something people do." Bartlet: "Still, I'd like you to get between me and any boiled seaweed you see coming my way." -President Josiah Bartlet & Charlie Young {The West Wing} "Few things are as pure as one man punching another man in the face." -A.