"I really think their foreign policy goal is to spread irony throughout the world." -Jon Stewart "Nothing like good, old-fashioned nudity, I say. That's the great thing about growing up repressed; it makes sex so much more exciting for the rest of your life." -Garrison Keillor "So then I thought, 'great; now it looks like there's a body bag in my back seat AND I'm covered in blood. This should be an interesting trip.'" -Tarik Dozier Illyria: "I will fight. I have been broken and humiliated, and I will return in kind every blow, every sting. I will shred my adversaries... pull their eyes out just enough to turn them towards their mewing, mutilated faces." Wesley: "You're a very inspirational person, have I mentioned that?" -Illyria & Wesley Wyndam-Pryce {Angel} "I'm considered a highly inappropriate person... and it makes me a problem dinner guest, because at some point during the evening, the person seated next to me says, 'Okay, uh huh okay; too much information. Yeah, don't go there.' I live there. I bought a house there. I will take you there." -Margaret Cho "This is how you talk when you learn English from porno movies." -Apu Nahasapeemapetilon {The Simpsons} "The United States has its grandeur and its follies, but mostly it's the place where all our stuff is." -Lisa Simpson "Hey, I said I accepted the blame for the sex, not the sweat." -Gaea "Human life -- indeed all life -- is poetry. We live it unconsciously, day by day, piece by piece, but in its inviolable wholeness it lives us." -H.F. Peters "That must be some radical new definition of 'hot' that I wasn't previously aware of." -Mahatma Randy "Not the brightest crayon in the sandwich, now are we?" -Ellen "Did I mention that dramatic irony bites like a rabid monkey?" -Tino Tonitini {The Weekenders} "Yes, many people will view this as heresy. Fine; it's part of my job to speak heresy in ways other people might feel afraid to do. If there is any better use for being famous and respected than using that status to question orthodoxy, I haven't found it yet." -Eric S. Raymond "That's right, we got ourselves a TV spot - and it's in Xtreme Color. This means we can get in your face anytime you're sitting at home not being awesome. So far we've had three complaints from people who thought the commercial was way too Xtreme for public consumption." -getgoatz.com "I thought it might be at least more entertaining to go spectacularly mad and start worshipping a snake." -Alan Moore "It always annoys me when people anthropomorphize information. Information doesn't want shit." -A. "I believe that there are many, many more issues to deal with other than who the announcers are. How many Bra and Panties Matches can you see? How different can they get? They're all going to have big breasts. They're all going to have a pair of bra and panties on. The only difference is what color they'll be." -Jim Ross "There are very few things in life worse than a wrestler trying to be an actor. It gets to be humiliating and embarrassing." -Jim Ross "I don't think there is such a thing as 'false hope.' Hope is hope." -Louise Wilkinson, 1997 "Hope is real. In a time of global chaos and instability where our faiths collide as often as our weapons, hope is real. There is such a thing as false science; there is such a thing as false promises; I am sure I will have my share of false starts. But there is no such thing as false hope. There is only hope." -Matt Santos {The West Wing}, 2005 "Windows is not old. UNIX is old, and behaves as many older people do - working calmly and quietly in the background, running everything. Windows is twenty years of age, and like most twenty-year-olds, is annoying, unable to multitask well, and thinks the world revolves around it." -RobotRunAmok "I'm gonna crush him, I'm gonna make him cry, and then I'm gonna tell his mama about it." -Claudia Jean Cregg {The West Wing} "Man's unfailing capacity to believe what he prefers to be true rather than what the evidence shows to be likely and possible has always astounded me. We long for a caring Universe which will save us from our childish mistakes, and in the face of mountains of evidence to the contrary we will pin all our hopes on the slimmest of doubts." -Prokhor Zakharov "People are stupid. They will believe anything that they want to be true or fear to be true." -Terry Goodkind "SPAM is great! You can keep a can of it in the back of the cupboard for years. Every time you're stuck for something to cook for lunch or supper, you can look in the cupboard and say, 'well, there's always the SPAM,' and you'll be able think of something else to prepare almost immediately." -Ron Sharp "This is why I like Slashdot. It keeps folks like you off the streets, where you could do real harm...." -A. "Extreme feminine beauty is always disturbing." -Spock {ST:TOS} "Bravo sir, bravo. Do you CC your mother with that font face?" -Scott Ramsoomair "Why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up." -Thomas Wayne {Batman Begins} "Let me ask you this. Red meat has been found to cause cancer in white rats. Maraschino cherries have been found to cause cancer in white rats. Cellular phones have been found to cause cancer in white rats. Has anyone examined the possibility that cancer might be hereditary in white rats?" -Margaret {The West Wing} "I said it was over, but you should have never listened." -Curiosity Valentine "A man of genius makes no mistakes. His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery." -James Joyce, "Ulysses" "He can only achieve happiness who puts forth an equal amount of work; no greater truth." -Dante {Fullmetal Alchemist} "Each honest calling, each walk of life, has its own elite, its own aristocracy based on excellence of performance." -James Bryant Conant "We're pretty confident in our software, but if it happens to entirely accidentally turn your machine into a cold fusion reactor and open up a hole in space, you cannot, we repeat, cannot hold us responsible." -Aaron McKenna "People who need government to enforce their religion must not have much faith in it." -Sconeu Donna: "I'm not cheap, nor am I xenophobic. I just think it's time for some tough love." Josh: "Well, not right here in front of everybody, Donna, but if you want to run home and get your equipment...." Donna: "Go away from me." -Donna Moss & Joshua Lyman {The West Wing} "I don't know. Why does anybody do anything? I'm a madwoman, C.J. And it doesn't stop with the leak. Call the authorities; send them to my parent's house in Madison. They'll find the Lindbergh baby in the basement... also some Post-Its reminding me where I put Jimmy Hoffa. I framed Roger Rabbit." -Donna Moss {The West Wing} "I've learned there are three things you don't discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin." -Linus van Pelt "Persecution was at least a sign of personal interest. Tolerance is composed of nine parts apathy to one of brotherly love." -Frank Moore Colby "Blessed is the man who, having nothing to stay, abstains from giving us worthy evidence of the fact." -George Eliot "My Windows 98 computer tells lies and often forces me to shut down improperly. Such behaviour in a human would be called neurotic." -Prof. Jack Good "Don't you know there ain't no devil? That's just God when he's drunk." -Tom Waits, "Heartattack and Vine" "Man, it happens every time. There always has to be some killjoy who comes along spouting 'reason' and 'thinking' and raining all over the parade. The proper response here is to jump to some result-oriented conclusions and indulge in some good, old-fashioned reactionary government bashing. Next time, please try to post a little before you think." -Sean Crandall "You're a French chef, okay? And until great white sharks figure out how to catch rabies, that is gonna be the scariest thing on Earth." -Alton Brown {Good Eats} "Anyone I'd actually have to convince to vote isn't really someone I want to see fumbling around in a polling booth. If they've been around long enough to vote, yet still have not absorbed enough to grasp the basic significance of voting, I would never take it upon myself to try to push them into participating in the process, which is flawed enough as it already is." -Tarik Dozier "What you see and hear depends a good deal on where you are standing; it also depends on what kind of a person you are." -C.S. Lewis "Nothing binds a father and a son more closely than the truth behind the decapitated hooker in the rec room." -Narrator {Squidbillies} "There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness." -Carl Jung "The President finds you all annoying, but not prohibitively debilitating." -Claudia Jean Cregg {The West Wing} "The idea of you dead and horribly mutilated turns me on." -Dr. Legume "In Korean drama, they're always beating the living shit out of each other, and then they go get something to eat. It's just like America, except they beat you physically instead of emotionally." -Curiosity Valentine "Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." -C.S. Lewis "Wow, that's just amazingly arrogant. Even I was never THAT arrogant at his age, and I know everything." -Tarik Dozier "It's like an angry mob singing karaoke!" -Joey Styles {WWE Raw} "The child in me loves the delicious frosting. The adult in me is filled with a murderous rage and has access to a backhoe." -Sky Shark "There's no way I was marrying that crazy chick! The only thing this superhero is married to is his work... and possibly a Filipino transvestite in Albany. Whoa, that was one crazy Yom Kippur!" -Captain Hero {Drawn Together} "A touchstone to determine the actual worth of an 'intellectual' -- find out how he feels about astrology." -Robert Heinlein Jed: "J'accuse, mon petite fromage!" Abbey: "You speak four languages. How come none of them is French?" Jed: "Nothing's wrong with my French." Abbey: "You just called me your little cheese." Jed: "... That's right!" -Josiah & Abbey Bartlet {The West Wing} "If I cook [the stuffing] inside the turkey, is there a chance I could kill my guests? I'm not saying that's necessarily a deal-breaker." -Josiah Bartlet {The West Wing} "Well, I'm just stating the obvious, which makes me one hundred percent right during all conversation. Has it ever not succeeded?" -Rectangular Businessman {12 oz. Mouse} "Ya know, this almost resembles an actual sentence written in the English language. Your 'smart' pills must be working. You're now somewhere between 'troglodyte' and 'micro-encephalitic sideshow freak.'" -Guru "I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." -E.B. White "I did battle with ignorance today, and ignorance won. I admit that I'm often vexed at the behavior of my own people... yeah, 'vexed' is a good word. You do what you can to help black folks, and they make you wonder why you even bother; but they're our people, and we gotta love 'em, regardless." -Huey {The Boondocks} "I particularly love the unspoken assumption in saying someone is 'acting white': that white people as a whole are actually intelligent." -Angie "Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to." -A. "Maybe you should punish him Old Testament style. A religious boy like Bobby would appreciate the irony." -Dale Gribble {King of the Hill} "I do not want art for a few any more than education for a few or freedom for a few." -William Blake "You represent a triumph of the mundane over the sublime, a triumph which is extraordinary only because it is so irrevocably and inherently tragic." -Weisshaupt {Cerebus: Church & State} "If the LAN is set up properly, it should be able to set off flashing lights and klaxons in the machine room whilst simultaneously disconnecting the offending network port at the router whenever an untrusted device is connected, causing the network administrator(s) to burst through your office door brandishing a very big stick." -/.AC "Personally, it's not as if I call people out for their poor language skills in person, which is honestly more of an issue for me than the written word. A person on here whom I am quite fond of is smart as a whip, yet refuses to get 'your/you're' right, and rather than harping upon it incessantly, I've simply moved her to the category of people that I can't have sex with." -Sean "I think it's about a dead girlfriend, but I never had a dead girlfriend, so I'm not sure." -Rick Valentin "I heard that Richard Simmons once killed a guy with a salad fork to the throat just for lookin' at him cockeyed, and then went to the funeral parlor two days later to desecrate the corpse an hour before the viewing. Well... it was either Richard Simmons or Phoxie. I forget which." -Tarik Dozier "The above statements are false and can be verified through normal channels of communication by request of the original poster if said person adheres to all rules, hints, and suggestions pursuant to the education and delineation of popular culture." -A. "The lights on the [Christmas] tree represent the lights in Jesus's eyes as he awoke and saw he had a shit-ton of myrrh." -Ellen Cherry "Sorry, didn't mean to shatter your dreams. I did mean to call you a whore though; that's funny stuff." -Joey Arena "If you were somehow elected to be the official spokesman for my gender, then I'm switching sides and seeing several doctors about hormone treatments and reassignment surgery immediately. I really hope this doesn't have to be the case, because I'm fond of what my Y chromosome does for me." -Tarik Dozier "Oh, this banana is delicious. The monkeys must never find out." -Bill Dauterieve {King of the Hill} "In your tub, hold your head under water and start swallowing it. Take one deep breath for every five swallows, all the while staying under water. After about seven minutes, you will suffer irreparable brain damage and your hiccups will be gone." -Mo "A campaign of clandestine, seemingly random, unprovoked workplace violence is often a good way to foster a good-natured rapport between co-workers. They never know who the villain might be, so they should be nice to everyone simply as a defense mechanism." -Tarik Dozier "Wouldn't it be funny if Tookie was waiting for us all in heaven? And he robbed and murdered us all? Boy, that would be irony. Or something." -Big Time Johnny "In Owensboro, KY, where I am from, we have a much different legend about Santa. It goes like this. Santa is a guy who drives a Plum Crazy Purple '78 El Camino. He drives it around all night, drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and swerving all over the road. When the clock strikes midnight, he gets horny, and tries to break into houses to have sex with our mothers. If he can't get in, he breaks all the windows and pisses on the front door. We would leave 12-packs of beer in the front yard to keep him happy in his beer-fueled sexual bloodlust. If you were successful in keeping him happy, you got to live another year. We didn't like Xmas a lot in Owensboro. Wait until I tell you guys about the Easter Wolves, the Valentine's Day Copperhead, Arbor Day Poison Ivy, the Happy Birthday Badger, and the anxiety-inducing Memorial Day Russian Roulette." -Eric "I hope you all get bowel parasites and die on a blood-filled toilet." -Mugsy "Testosterpwned!" -Doc Waters "It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination." -Douglas Adams "You are my intarnet pinata, and all your dumb is falling out." -Pendragon "I don't wish to brag, but he's evil at an eighth-grade level." -Sideshow Bob {The Simpsons} "It's God's honest truth. When Jesus was president, he ate babies all the time." -Granny {Squidbillies} "Well... that, and I had a shotgun...." -{Das Bus} "And did you know... that little baby Jesus grew up to be Jesus? I know; it's weird, isn't it?" -Homer Simpson "He's German. That's good eatin'." -C. Montgomery Burns {The Simpsons} "I have enough trouble overcoming my own limitations without fretting over the fact that God hasn't seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence." -John Wanamaker "If you really have nothing to add to a particular thread that is interesting and/or clever, how's about you just keep your fucking pie hole shut for once. You're probably already insufferable enough in person; you don't need to spread your inanity to every possible mode of discourse. Either be entertaining and/or informative, or just shut the fuck up." -The Guru "Are you hungry? I haven't eaten since later this afternoon." -Aaron {Primer} "You mean Heaven? I have never been there myself, but I hear it is really something! Two hundred cable channels, free long-distance calls! Tatertots and funnycars... lotsa women wearing bikinis! ...dancing 'til dawn! ...and Orson Welles will be there!" -Flaming Carrot {Cerebus: Church & State} "Never describe yourself as a long gone daddy with fists of steel and a nose for trouble when the border guard asks what you do for a living." -Bruce McCulloch "I'm planning to respond to your comment with a disproportionate amount of physical violence. Your wedgie will be slow and painful, and when I'm done, you'll need to cut eye holes into the rear of your underwear." -Tarik Dozier "Lugging the breasts around is a thankless job." -Andee "Hey, now... I can be 'accommodating' in the chestal region... it just involves some fishing twine, a topical analgesic, and a strong will." -dammit "It's a high ransom she charges for nine months lodging in the womb." -Alexander {Alexander} "You're ending your sentences in prepositional phrases. You better stop ending your sentences in prepositional phrases... or I'll make it look like you killed me." -Woman {12 oz. Mouse} "One time at the lake, I watched this guy drowning. His arms were flailing to and fro, and there were huge water bubbles exploding out of the water as if he were screaming, 'Help me!' Since I am totally sweet, I saved him. I took my foot off his head." -Stacy "Your son would have a better chance at being a successful adult if he was raised by a pack of coyotes in Alabama." -Eric "It's overkill, of course. But you can never have too much overkill." -/.AC "I don't know about you, but I had a nice day. Y'know... except for the bulk of it where I was nearly tortured to death." -Angel "He's at the age when little-boy hormones get violent. They don't call them 'nice, quiet' hormones; they're 'raging,' Hank! He has a chemical need to kill. I was counting on you to channel that need away from humans." -Peggy Hill {King of the Hill} "You don't have to be a rocket scientist to post on Mojo, but it doesn't hurt to be one." -Bluerider