"Your opinion of me is nothing more than a test of your judgment. I know who I am." -P.R. Holland "I think I love you, just a bit. When I go nuts and kill everyone... your death shall be quick and painless." -Michelle Bishop "You've got to ask yourself, if no one on the Internet wants a piece of this, just how far from the pack have you strayed?" -Toby Ziegler {The West Wing} "Actually, I don't think it's physiologically possible for me to both think and orgasm at the same time. Thank god for small miracles, because if I could think and orgasm at the same time, I'd be like, 'does this string of orgasms make me look fat?' or I'd be like, 'this feels great, but I really need to go rake the yard.'" -Mo "I guess you can be forgiven this time; but if you ever say 'I'm as smooth as smooth can be' again, you're gonna have to change your screen name. Oh, and I'm smoother than something really smooth. Just think of something really smooth, and then, I'm smoother than that." -Celeste "Well, see, I traditionally like to go with something simple to get my mark to rise to the bait. Usually a couple jabs in the eye, metaphorically speaking, is enough to get even the most milquetoast opponent to take a poke back. And then I can really start to work, because mostly, I'm a counterpuncher. So I was attempting to get what testosterone you have all into a little fury. The you'd shake your fist at the screen in impotent rage and shout, 'OOOOOOH! I'ma gonna git that durn Kudzu boy!' Then you'd come at me with whatever passes for your most scathing wit. Then I'd cut you to shreds verbally. I did, however, forget to factor in the obviously feminine qualities you posess in all other aspects of your person, and that's where I failed. We'll try to do this the way I pick a fight with a chick. Ret, you have a fat ass." -Mugsy Kudzu "If your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches." -Westley {The Princess Bride} Mulder: "One day, back when I was a kid, I was climbing this tree when I noticed this leaf walking towards me. It took forever for me to realize that it was no leaf." Scully: "A praying mantis?" Mulder: "Yeah, I had a praying mantis epiphany. And as a result I screamed. And not a girly scream, but the scream of someone being confronted by some before-unknown monster that had no right existing on the same planet I inhabited." Scully: "Mulder... are you sure it wasn't a girly scream?" -Fox Mulder & Dana Scully {The X-Files} "Give me a week or two and we'll revisit this when I have PMS and I'm closer to being 'level-headed like you.'" -Sara Kirkwood "I know you closely enough to comprehend that you adore affordable commodities." -UCE "In the year 1974 there were only seventy-five to eighty Rodrigues fruit bats still in existence. They are an endangered species, and therefore, good eatin'." -flutterby Kira: "Why is it that whenever you smile, I want to leave the room?" Dukat: "I suppose it's because of my overwhelming charm." -Maj. Kira Nerys & Gul Dukat {ST:DS9} "In the midst of your chilling, do you think you might also be able to pencil in a segment of time in which you can keep it real? Advanced practitioners can, of course, be expected to successfully do both simultaneously, but this exercise is neither for the inexperienced nor the faint of heart." -Tarik Dozier "Officially, I disavow any knowledge of that post, in whole or in part, and assume no culpability for any damage that its contents may cause. The views contained therein are in no way to be construed as being my own, nor do they reflect the views of my cat, my employer, the Church of the Subgenius, or the Bavarian Illuminati." -Tarik Dozier Fuu: "Can't you ever say anything intelligent?" Mugen: "When you start, I'll start." -Fuu & Mugen {Samurai Champloo} "We get your point. You don't like it. Get ours. Get over it." -Tom Waters "It doesn't have to be perfect; not that there's anything wrong with perfect." -Alton Brown {Good Eats} Menlo: "Oh, he's funny. You're funny. You'll be even funnier when I crush your head." Angel: "Funny 'ha-ha' or funny 'peculiar?'" -M. James Menlo & Angel {Angel} "Okay, if there were a trick to chocolate mousse - and I'm not saying there is, but if there were - it would be powdered gelatin. Odds are you've never pondered this stuff in the store. Why would you? It's flavorless, colorless, odorless... it's a veritable ninja." -Alton Brown {Good Eats, "Art of Darkness"} "What's the point of Valentine's Day if it doesn't motivate one to cut someone from crotch to sternum like a rainbow trout, thusly causing their intestines to spill onto the floor in one big, squishy heap? Really, all popular imagery leads me to believe that this day is about bow-hunting. Cupid probably has plenty of human corpses hung upside-down by their ankles from the rafters of his shack." -Tarik Dozier "Oh, yeah. Yeah; I saw their production of Giselle in 1890. I cried like a baby... and I was EVIL!" -Angel "I think I'll just have to go with my patented sudden burst of violence." -Angel Lilah: "One of us is gonna die, Lindsey." Lindsey: "Everybody dies, Lilah." Lilah: "But not everybody ends up in a dog-food processing plant in San Pedro." -Lilah Morgan & Lindsey McDonald {Angel} "Dammit, there are so many idiots whose asses I have to kick! I'll have to start carrying a list to keep track of 'em all!" -Edward Elrich {Fullmetal Alchemist} "Speaking for myself, many of my posts that sound condescending are actually just meant to be funny. I'm not really being condescending unless I just don't like the person I'm responding to, or think that he or she is stupid. I usually give contextual clues when I do this, like, for instance, using several commas in a sentence." -The Guru "'The winter Olympics would be much cooler if the contestants were armed with katanas.' Well, bear in mind that this can honestly be said of any competitive sport, especially football, golf, and chess. Actually, this rings true for absolutely any human endeavor. Even grocery shopping would be far more compelling if the options for payment included cash, charge, check, or single combat with the cashier." -Jim & Tarik Dozier "If I wanted your opinion, I would first tell you what it was, then beat it out of you." -Jon Kramer "Science exists as a power to be used in reality. What use is it, if not for everyone? The entire world awaits its blessings." -Dr. Edward Steam {Steamboy} "Wrinkly, cheese-loving, heavy-rocking Malaysians are having a hard time. They're a bit confused." -from the BBC World Service "I just have a healthy disdain for all things mediocre." -Tarik Dozier "Is S&M, necrophilia, and bestiality wrong, or am I just beating a dead horse?" -Westicles "Nonosecond (n.) That moment of clarity in which you realize that you're on the brink of doing something quite contrary to your better judgment, which is now, unfortunately, inevitable." -Tarik Dozier "Yeah... let's keep that plan between you, me, and the string of therapists who won't be able to help you." -Roger {American Dad} "Boy, I'm never gonna be scared enough of God by tonight if I don't kill someone. I guess this Halloween is ruined." -Orel Puppington {Moral Orel} "I understand that you've lost your virginity. Can I have the box that it came in?" -Dodd Harris "I am quite a determined guy. I once courted a lady for six months before I heard those magic words. 'Okay; I'll go out with you. Untie me now.'" -Dave Levy "I came up with a new game-show idea recently. It's called 'The Old Game.' You got three old guys with loaded guns onstage. They look back at their lives, see who they were, what they accomplished, how close they came to realizing their dreams. The winner is the one who doesn't blow his brains out. He gets a refrigerator." -Chuck Barris "They said I only argued for the sake of arguing, but after an hour, I convinced them they were wrong." -A. "Excuse me while I find a rusty spoon and gouge out what's left of my mind's eye." -Serpntene "If there really is something missing in your marriage, it's probably not gonna be found the second you purchase a butt plug. Try getting excited about creating a healthy relationship. If that doesn't work, then by all means... go ahead and get a butt plug." -Celeste "Try being close friends with [Celeste] and asking her for her opinion (oh, wait, you don't ever need to ask, she'll just give it to you). It's all blah, blah, blah, there are only two kinds of people in the world, Clover. Those that know and those that don't. Blah, blah, blah, you eat your elephant one bite at a time. Blah, blah, blah, if a cat has kittens in an oven we ain't going to call them 'biscuits.' Blah, blah, blah, you can't shoe a horse with jello. I never know what that bitch is talking about." -Clover "The last time somebody was cremated, his ashes were sprinkled from a crop duster. We all ran for cover. We liked him fine, but we didn't want him all over our good clothes." -Gayden Metcalfe & Charlotte Hays, "Being Dead is No Excuse" "Don't tease me about my hobbies. I don't tease you about being an asshole." -Mark {Garden State} "Grindcore is the embryo of what will either become a musician or a cultural omelet." -Tom Spalding "I'm going to kill you all and wear your skins as prom dresses. lol." -Monica Turner "Constantly reaching out to someone and seeking their affection and a personal relationship while they continue to deny you is stalking? By that account, you know who else was a stalker? Our Lord Jesus Christ." -Andee "Aaron Spelling offered his soul and daughter to Cthulhu decades ago in exchange for assorted dark made-for-TV powers and a case of Pez. Angry for actually being tricked into claiming Tori Spelling, the Old One saw to it that Aaron's other creations would be equally vile, and yet oddly palatable to the lowest common denominator. Woe unto humankind." -Tarik Dozier "It was once said that if you placed one thousand monkeys in a room with one thousand typewriters they would eventually produce Shakespeare. The internet has disproved that." -Plucky "I can call someone an idiot for doing the same types of stupid things only so many times before the entire exercise becomes tedious. By that point, I'd already come to realize that there is no redeeming this person, but the worst part about it is that any discernable entertainment value to me has been long since lost. Therein lies the tragedy. It's like poking a dead clown with a stick. Sure, it's great at first; but the thrill dwindles over time, and then you're just left with this eyesore sitting on your front porch." -Tarik Dozier "I quit. It's like kicking a little retarded puppy in the face. It's really not that fun. She is like a retarded puppy in a vortex and will only pull herself out if she's lucky enough to get the noose around her neck. I don't know whether to keep laughing or reserve my seat in hell next to the rest of you." -Jenn the Mermaid "This girl's stomach is a cosmos unto itself. It's connected to the void of the universe!" -Buddhist Priest Ingen {Samurai Champloo} "I had to tell the triage nurse that I was the victim of a Vietnamese bukkake gang before she would admit me." -frogbert "Hot dogs give you energy so you can fight off your inner demons." -{Wonder Showzen} "AAPL stock closes at $80.86 on the day they announce their first Intel boxes. That's just a bit too much of a coincidence for me." -ross "Do yourself a favor; understand this now. The ONLY way you can claim the moral high ground is if you actually TAKE the moral high ground." -Celeste "If you're so personally tied to your opinion that you can't stand having other people comment on it to the contrary, then maybe you should keep it to yourself." -Celeste "These type of debates are way more fun when you can call people 'cum- guzzling crackheads.' I think that should be allowed in presidential debates." -Monica Turner "My children--in many dimensions they're as poorly behaved as many other children, but at least on this dimension I've got my kids brainwashed: You don't use Google, and you don't use an iPod." -Steve Ballmer, CEO, Microsoft "Google it up, you ignorant cocksucker." -Matt Loomis "Hey now, if Ron Reagan dyed his hair - and I'm not saying he did - it was only to show his strength to the communists." -Hank Hill {King of the Hill} "Y'know, if you had half a brain... I wouldn't be very suprised." -Tarik Dozier "I'm as happy as a zombie in a trauma ward!" -Michelle McDonald "Why choose basketball? Well, for one thing, it's the only sport where you get to bounce a ball. You bounce a football, well, that's a fumble, isn't it? Baseball? No bouncin' at all. Bounce a ball in hockey, that's a mandatory drug test right there." -basketball coach {King of the Hill} "I've got two daughters who will have to make their way in this skinny- obsessed world, and it worries me, because I don't want them to be empty- headed, self-obsessed, emaciated clones; I'd rather they were independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny -- a thousand things, before 'thin.'" -J.K. Rowling "Here is where our opinions diverge. I have never heard anything from Eminem that I would consider 'doesn't suck as much as being on fire,' let alone 'good.'" -Jet Piston "Now, I can see that makes you angry. You're about to get even angrier." -Triple H "This note contains no backmasking or subliminal messaging. All messages from Satan are spelled out in plain English." -Iron Condor "Much like communism, it's a great idea until you start adding people to the equation." -Matt Loomis "Be scared of me because I will not hesitate to mash your skulls into a tasty pate just because I like the flavor. I don't need reasons." -Jimi "I mastermind the movement of people through life like pawns across a checkerboard until one day... Bingo. Yeah; you only *think* that last sentence of mixed metaphors made no sense." -Tarik Dozier "If you have to strain to exhibit your 'intelligence,' it probably isn't there." -Tara Davis "Here's something that... if you want your father to think you're not a silly fuck, don't slap a guy across the face with a glove. Because if you do that, that's what he will think, unless you're a nobleman or something in the nineteenth century... which I'm not." -Dave Spritz {The Weather Man} "More tears are shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones." -Truman Capote "The myth has been built so big that you can't survive without Microsoft, so that somebody who does get by without Microsoft is a story. It's just software." -Sterling Ball "The gunfire around us makes it hard to hear. But the human voice is different from other sounds. It can be heard over noises that bury everything else. Even when it's not shouting. Even when it's just a whisper. Even the lowest whisper can be heard-- over armies-- when it's telling the truth." -Edmond Zuwanie {The Interpreter} "All of these conspiracy theories have the two basic problems - one, they believe the government is competent, and two, they believe the governement can keep the secret." -Richard Clarke "Yeah; we're white, and there is nothing that means less to us. Circumstances of birth are nothing more than random, and should never be a source of pride or shame." -Penn Jillette "Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." -Will Rogers "Do this, and people will call you a geek. Personally, I'm okay with that." -Alton Brown {Good Eats} "Well, son, the funny thing about regret is It's better to regret something you have done Than to regret something you haven't done. And by the way, if you see your mom this weekend, Be sure and tell her, 'SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'" -Butthole Surfers, "Sweet Loaf" "If I'm to run the future, you've got to let the old world go." -Sleater-Kinney, "One Beat" "Reality is the new fiction, they say. Truth is truer in these days; truth is man-made." -Sleater-Kinney, "Entertain" "Well, I suppose she could have... stolen a car, pushed it off a cliff - chopping off her hands and feet while discarding them en route after setting fire to herself. Maybe she trained for her suicide at the Cirque du Soleil; I don't know." -Deputy Police Chief Brenda Johnson {The Closer} "Kernel programming is a black art that should be avoided if at all possible." -Apple Computer, Inc. Kernel Programming Guide, "Why You Should Avoid Programming in the Kernel" "I cried like a baby - a hungry, angry baby." -Mr. Universe {Serenity} "This is the mandate that I worked with, and it's a very, very fine line to walk and made everybody's job really hard; and I don't think anybody really liked me by the end of this, and that includes me. I don't think I'll be working with myself again; we didn't get along." -Joss Whedon {Serenity commentary} "It has been pointed out to me that I have a problem making fiction that doesn't have super-powered adolescent girls in it. I don't care." -Joss Whedon {Serenity commentary} "life, n: The whim of several billion cells to be you for a while." -A. "Yes, I'm celibate, and it ain't easy. I now understand why Catholic nuns are so damn mean. I, too, want to hit people with a ruler for no apparent reason." -Rene Hicks "Look, if you have a clumsy child, you make him wear a helmet. If you have death-prone children, you keep a few clones of them in your lab." -Dr. Thaddeus Venture {The Venture Brothers} "She's like Venus de Milo -- she's beautiful, but she's not all there." -Jerry Lawler "Even today, at eighty, if I don't learn something new, it's a day lost." -B.B. King "I did a cost:benefit analysis, and decided... screw you." -Tarik Dozier "Now get ready. You're about to become a main character in the story of someone's worst day ever." -Deputy Police Chief Brenda Johnson {The Closer} "The artist, like the idiot, or clown, sits on the edge of the world, and a push may send him over it." -Osbert Sitwell "It seems like a lot of people have opinions about me; either I'm the savior or I'm the end of the world. It's nice to have options, I guess." -Isabelle Tyler {The 4400} "Thank you; you can go do your little dance in Hell now." -Det. Alexandra Eames {Law & Order: Criminal Intent} "With any luck, I've infuriated you with logic. Failing that, I'd like to piss you off with my stupidity." -heinousjay "What do you despise? By this are you truly known." -Princess Irulan, Manual of Muad'Dib "Here's to women... can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em and tell the neighbors they're stripping in Vegas." -Dr. Gregory House {House, M.D.} "I'd be delighted to offer any advice I have on understanding women. When I have some, I'll let you know." -Capt. Jean-Luc Picard {ST:TNG} "Don't go in the door on the left; that room explodes. We've been meaning to get that fixed." -Dane Cook "Forgive my rudeness; I cannot abide useless people." -Murphy {Firefly} "A tin-foil hat is a mark of someone who can, in all seriousness, say, 'if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it must be a concealed listening device placed by the government under the instruction of the military-industrial complex and funded by the media industry.'" -David Chisnall "There's no benefit in seeing it coming. You just smear yourself with grease and hope your heart doesn't stop." -Maxine Gray {Judging Amy} "One should not think of Superman as a Peeping Tom. A biological ability must be used. As a child Superman may never have known that things had surfaces, until he learned to suppress his x-ray vision. If millions of people tend shamelessly to wear clothing with no lead in the weave, that is hardly Superman's fault." -Larry Niven