"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one 
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress 
depends on the unreasonable man." 
-George Bernard Shaw 

"If you're too far ahead of your time, it's indistinguishable from being
wrong."
-A.

"Tarik, get off me... you're making my legs hot. I mean... your body is so 
hot. Oh... you know what I mean."
-Christina Cary

"I don't know the meaning of the word surrender! I mean, I know it, I'm
not dumb... just not in this context."
-The Tick

"Don't think of it as broken. Think of it as lacking duct tape."
-Tony Lima

"The only thing better than understated elegance is blatant simplicity."
-Kip Yeager

"Okay, who put a 'stop payment' on my reality check?"
-David May

"[Humans] cannot think like dogs... [there exists] a sharp difference in
the mental capacity of humans and canines. For example, a human who is
given an intricate problem will spend all day trying to solve it, but a
canine will have the sense to give up and do something else instead."
-Corey Ford, "Every Dog Should Have a Man"

"Emacs is a text editor which wants to be an operating system when it
grows up."
-Cris Lilley

"Microsoft hires some *very* talented programmers, and I have no idea what
happens to them from there, because MS products don't show the ingenuity
that many of the programmers it hires has."
-Brandon Lease

"So big sigs aren't as bad as they used to be. The 4-line common etiquette
was decided for a different time and place, and is, except for a few anal-
retentive twits, not an issue at all."
-Daniel Howard

"Hail to the sun god! He sure is a fun god! Hail! Hail! Hail! Ra! Ra! Ra!"
-Charley Kline

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human
history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila."
-Darryl O'Donnell

"You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, but if you pull
their wings off, they'll take whatever you give them." 
-Kelly Bundy

"At work, I am a network administrator. I manage a Windows 95 network and
a Mac network. I spend all day fixing crashes on the Windows 95 network
but I never get one call from the art department to fix the Macs because
they just work."
-David Caren

"As an administrator, I can appreciate PC networks. Regardless of what I
do to tweak them, I can always rely on them to crash. This basic and
widely accepted flaw assures my continued employment."
-Tarik Dozier

"Fear is an emotion. Only wimps show this emotion when someone is watching. 
Now pain on the other hand... "
-Chris Collins

"Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound."
-Miroslav Jurisic

"Why isn't phoenetic spelt the way it sounds?
 Why do they have interstate highways in Hawaii?
 Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?"
-Jack De Winter

"Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness."
-Fr. John Catoir

"It's better to burn out than fade away."
-Neil Young

"Keeping people stupid is not the way to protect them."
-Rose Marshack

"It's not that hard, Amanda. Just open your mouth and suck."
-Marla Shoemaker

"The HTML 3.0 expired draft is a snapshot in time, of dreams and ideals
and goals, one taken some time in the past. Much like the table-sized
models which city planners build and use to decorate the lobby of city
hall.  They engender a sense of hope, of direction, and at times of
disappointment.  Like any tool, they are valuable within their
capabilities, and potentially dangerous to those who choose to ignore or
remain ignorant of their limitations."
-Harold A. Driscoll

"After we calmed down, I realized what we'd been doing for the last half 
hour and said, 'There is something very wrong with us.'"
-Rose Marshack

Private Bjork joke of the moment:
"Welcome to Bangkok."
-Julie Kaufman

"The ignorant are always skeptical when they're given knowledge."
-Emma Frost {Generation X}

"This ship will NOT survive the formation of the cosmos."
-Lt. B'elanna Torres {ST:Voyager}

"Based on my research, you have been many things - a rude, interfering,
inconsiderate, sadistic pest... and, oh yes, you introduced us to the
Borg, thank you very much - but one thing you have never been is a liar."
-Capt. Kathryn Janeway {ST:Voyager}

"Oh, we've ALL done the scarecrow. Big deal!"
-Q {ST:Voyager}

"Look, I can stick my finger all the way through my jeans."
-Christina Cary

"Of course, you can't see my nipples through my bra, which is one of the 
things I'm fond of about your breasts."
-Maggie Undisclosed

"You're fucking me!"
-Christina Cary

"Let me know when we get to the anal sex."
-Maggie Undisclosed

"Lick my gamy ungula."
-Aeon Flux

E: "What's the nature of your relationship with Aeon Flux?"
L: "She's my accountant, and it's because of this and only this that I 
    love her."
E: "How do you expect me to respond to an answer like that?"
L: "With gusto."
-Principal Agent Euphemia & Liviticus Kleen {Aeon Flux}

"Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken."
-A.

"The final word in any they-shouldn't-have-let-people-do-that-oriented 
discussion ought to be: When justifiably annoyed by a page tortured by 
clueless and wasteful use of any features whatsoever, think about how much 
fun that person probably had when he designed it, because at that time you 
are a guest in his house, not the other way around."
-Anders Ohlsson

"The point is, don't waste time reinventing the wheel - spend your energies 
on getting people to use the damn thing."
-Adam Guasch-Melendez

"AOL will be bought by Fisher-Price and remarketed as 'My First Internet
Connection' for the kiddie set.  An underground ring of hacker fourth-
graders will set up 'My First Pixs Ring' and trade pictures of their
teenage sisters.  These teenage sisters' boyfriends will join the FBI's
new 'Junior Communications Scouts' program and bust the little perverts.
The perverts will return to their rooms and set up 'My First Net.Sex
Whorehouse,' and hire their sisters to chat about kissing.  A secret extra
room for the 3L33T of the scene will discuss French kissing in graphic
detail."
-Karl A. Krueger

"HTML standards are incredibly easy to find, assuming that one's head
isn't too close to one's backside."
-Kynn Bartlett

"I'd like to see Pete try to fist me."
-Christina Cary

"Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish."
-Matthew Smith

"Ever hear of the Baywatch Effect? 'The popularity of a product is unrelated
to its quality.'"
-Karl A. Krueger

"There may be some people who spend too much time on the Internet for their
own good, but they're not stealing cars to pay their America Online bills,
and they're not likely to."
-Michael Raulin

"Well, if that isn't the black calling the kettle pot..."
-Chris "Wheelz" Krumreich

"Do you think," said a Woodpecker who had been busy making a hole in the 
table, "that there might be a problem with the name, 'UNIX?' I mean, it 
does sort of suggest being less than a man."
-Lincoln Spector, "Alice in UNIX Land"

"The way I see it, we have to get busy transcending economic relations
pretty damn fast, or we are all gonna end up either writing in 'Visual
Java for Microsoft Information Superhighway' for Massa Bill, or else
asking 'You want fries with that?'"
-Karl A. Krueger

"If homosexuality is an illness, why don't we all just call in sick? 
'Sorry. Can't come in today. Still gay.'"
-A.

"Well, the phone was meant for conversation originally, not faxes, the 
net or pagers. It sounds like some of us are fighting the inevitable. My 
personal wars include people who pronounce cummerbund as cumberbund, the 
fact that a proper martini is made with gin, not vodka and the popularity 
of Mariah Carey." 
-Steve Sando

"Do you wanna see me vibrate during sex?"
-random female Belmont pedestrian

"Do you know how to spell 'college'?"
-random University of Illinois student

"Whoa! Head in my crotch!"
-random female at Neo-Futurarium

"Karl A. Krueger wrote:
> Some of us have more social decency than that kind of petty-bourgeois
> attitude.  Some of us are writing HTML because we want to create meaning
> -- not to sell our souls to the commercialization of the Internet.
You go create your meaning; I'll go cash my check."
-Phil Garrett

"He needs to learn the word, 'Shit,' I think, to use as a noun. I don't 
want to teach it to him though." 
-Rose Marshack

"Please, before the next time you feel like condescendingly correcting
someone, make sure you are _right_ first.  You'll look a lot less foolish." 
-Kynn Bartlett

"Optimists believe we live in the best of all possible worlds. Pessimists 
are afraid they're right."
-Sean O'Connell

"[To those who aspire to be film soundtrack composers], I would suggest a 
good long stay in a nice quiet sanitarium. Make sure you find one with 
pretty nurses and lots of strong drugs. Masturbation four times a day is 
also an excellent exercise in becoming a film composer. I put most of my 
music up my butt, not knowing where else to place it."
-Danny Elfman

"I'll neither confirm nor deny that I've ever had sex with a Care Bear. 
And I won't tell you which one."
-James T. Westbrook

"Good morning, Tarik. Your pants are outside on the patio."
-Tarik Dozier (note written to self)

"Never attribute to malice what can easily be attributed to stupidity.
Never attribute to conspiracy what is obviously coincidence.
And never attribute to persecution what is obviously a bad case of paranoia."
-Gabriel Goh

"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather 
straps."
-Emo Philips

"You learn something useless every day."
-Joel Ehrlich

"The message is up above.  What are you reading THIS for?"
-Joel Ehrlich

"We're not the best at what we do, but we're the only ones who do it..."
-Doug Feinstein

"When all else fails, improvise. When improvisation fails, hide."
-Jay Murdock

"The Latin word for 'close your eyes and open your mouth,' is 'prospectus.'"
-Dogbert

"Is mutipule personalities just mental multitasking?"
-Stephen Atkins

"Nah... mental multitasking is only unusual if your brain is running DOS. 
Multiple personalities is really just like a Mac running PPC Linux, with 
MachTen, SoftWindows 95, and a Pentium daughterboard running OS/2."
-Tarik Dozier

"Unix utilities are like two-edged swords with sharp handles: dangerous, 
but think of the amazing things you can do with a tool like that."
-Michael Pereckas

"Do you want to spank my inner child?"
-Melissa Heischberg

"I've got a screwdriver and a root password. We can fix this!"
-Jason Lindquist

"Somebody on this campus needs to start selling clues. Wholesale."
-Jason Lindquist

"This sin is inexcusable. We'll just have to staple you to a gerbil."
-Mike Blumenthal

"But you know, Tarik, maybe you should just try some bondage, a little S&M
and tying up, and you can forget all about computers."
-Jennifer Koclanis

"Thank you all for your help. May someone be nice to you within the next
twenty minutes!"
-Jimi Axelsson

"I haven't seen much ridiculing and beating into submission, though.
Although I have some acquaintances who might find that arousing, actually."
-Kynn Bartlett

"It was an amusing episode.... of our lives."
-Bart Simpson

"Until the application is written, it runs at 0 MIPS, regardless of the 
hardware you've got." 
-Steve Jobs 

"It's the cream of the cream who are going. If Apple is the best, then
NeXT is the fucking Green Berets."
-a Stanford administrator 

"Steve Jobs is a visionnary, Bill Gates wears very thick glasses!"
-R. Seguine

"That's OK. He'll burn in hell."
-Steve Jobs 

"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new 
discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I've found it), but 'That's funny....'" 
-Isaac Asimov

"Intellectuals solve problems, Geniuses prevent them."
-Albert Einstein 

"I hate Windows! It's like a farkin' Taiwanese rip-off cheap polyester
copy of a drunkard's vision of the Macintosh! Useless, cheap and nasty!  
Pretending to be an operating system, can't even store filenames without
bloody DOS holding its bleedin' hand, 640K resource limits barfing all
over your screen, general protection faults, blue flipping screens telling
you the only option left is a yonk-yanking three-fingered salute, and then
even that doesn't work, icons that don't mean anything, file managers that
don't, give me a fucking break ! It almost makes me pine for flippin'
System bloody 7!"
-Jeremy Reimer

"We were raped by Microsoft. Bill Gates did it personally. Introducing 
Gates to the president of a small company is like introducing Mike Tyson 
to a virgin. This has to be stopped."
-a high-level executive at a well-known software company

"Well slap me silly and call me Susan! Actually I'd rather if you didn't,
for it was just an overly exaggerated figure of speech."
-John R. Hooe III

"'Do you feel you are in control of your own life?' No, but I have a penis."
-Hoon Choi

[After thirty minutes of Gateway technical support just to get Windows 95 
to recognize the CD-ROM drive (all pre-installed, right out of the box on 
a Gateway 2000 P5-150 32/2G) I was getting just a little bit frustrated]:
"Oh! Can't you just give me a wedgie, kick me in the testicles, fix it 
yourself, and let us call it even? That would be easier."
-Tarik Dozier

"...as long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?  
If you want sense, you'll have to make it yourself."
-Norton Juster 

"Eating kittens is just plain wrong!"
-The Tick 

"With Windows 95, DOS isn't dead. It's still right where it's always been: 
pulling the strings, holding its hand, bossing it around, and occasionally
tripping it just to make sure it's remembering who's boss. All Microsoft 
has done is hidden it from the plain sight of end users to give them the 
illusion of something new and innovative."
-Tarik Dozier

"I've never let my past lives interfere with my job, and I'm not going to 
start now." 
-Jadzia Dax {ST:DS9}

"Tis better to stay quiet and be thought the fool than to open your mouth 
and remove all doubt."
-A.

"It is better to first queue and review your e-mail and be thought the
fool than to send it and remove all doubt."
-Peter Legault

"I am God and this is my homepage. I am the creator of Life, the Universe, 
and everything. However, I am not responsible for Micro$oft Windows, your 
slow bandwith, and Netscrape's BLINK tag."
-Spiritus Sanctus

"I'm gonna shave my body bare... is what I'm gonna do. Yeah, I gotta...
the hair is dirty. Hair is dirty. *sigh* I'm gonna be nice and smoothe...
clean. Everybody out." 
-Benjamin Katz

"If women had any idea, even for a second, of how we really looked at
them, they would never stop slapping us."
-Larry Miller

"Some of the colonists objected to having an anatomically correct android 
walking around without any clothes on."
-Julianna O'Donnell Soong {ST:TNG}

"Legacy tech is for end-users, not me. I don't care about whether or not
my PowerPC can run non-native applications as fast as a 68K machine.  
Who's not making Power Mac native apps now? When I bought it, I wasn't
concerned with yesterday or today. What can it do for me next week?"
-Tarik Dozier

"You can't protect it, all you can do is tell your client that they are
covered under their countries copyright laws. It's like having screen doors 
on a submarine. The only advantage to them is they DO keep the fish out!"
-Bob Minnick

"We use only the freshest handpicked electrons."
-Fred Albrecht

"Scientists have discovered that reading the Dilbert Newsletter not only
stimulates endorphins and improves brain circulation, but it also builds
lean muscle mass. Granted, most of the improvements are limited to your
butt and your mouse finger, but those are important parts. Look at me, for
example. I can benchpress 200 pounds with my mouse finger. And I can sort
coins just by sitting on them naked. I can't promise that all of you will
receive that level of benefit, but I CAN promise that you won't ask me for
change."
-Scott Adams

"If 2 + 2 is 4 and 2 x 2 is also 4, what's the big deal about 
multiplication anyway?"
-DNRC Induhviduality Quotient Exam

"There's something about watching a 6 1/2 foot tall skinny, naked German 
guy who looks like he's about 17 years old trying to make his way around 
a dressing room the size of a closet and filled with people that sends me 
into hysterics."
-Rose Marshack

"To reciprocate, Mister Adams suggests that you slap yourself in the head
with a wooden spoon. Judging from your quirky and irreverent style, we
think you'll enjoy it. Let us know what you think."
-Dogbert

"When you verbalize a private thought it often ends up being shockingly 
impolite or inconsiderate.  And that can be funny."
-Scott Adams

"Is it weird in here, or is it just me?" 
-Stephen Wright

"Wanting people to listen, you can't just tap them on the shoulder anymore.
You have to hit them with a sledgehammer; and then you'll notice you've
got their strict attention."
-John Doe {Se7en}

"How fortunate for those in power, that people do not think."
-A.H.

"Man, he types faster than I do. Geek."
-Rose Marshack

"There is just no starting point, but for every time t, there exists a t/2
that happened before it. Bingo! Who needs 'God' when you've got Infinity?
Woohoo!!"
-Rose Marshack

"...some poor kid asked me what we were doing after the show and I said, 
'You know, Rock Band Things, shooting up heroin and partying.' We went 
back to hotel rooms the college bought for us and watched Dick Van Dyke."
-Rose Marshack