"Don't worry if you aren't ready to serve a higher purpose. Fix yourself first. We'll wait for you. You'll know you're ready when serving the higher purpose seems easier than not." -Scott Adams "Your inability to recognize a position between two extremes does not mean that there are no such positions." -Lockejaw "Working in a sweatshop sucks... but it still beats tilling soil with grandpa's femur." -Penn Jillette {Bullshit!} "But I will put anything into my mouth that is given to me, whether it's supposed to go there or not... because... I'm different. Is that clear with everyone? Just different." -Space Ghost Naomi: "Can't we make first contact with somebody, or get in a space battle?" Tom: "Yeah, can't we?" Seven: "Another time, perhaps." -Naomi Wildman, Tom Paris, and Seven of Nine {ST:Voyager} "Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." -Isaac Asimov "Seven's cranial infrastructure is highly complex. You'll need months just to figure out what she had for breakfast." -The Doctor {ST:Voyager} "If pedantry was a martial art, you would have just knocked him across the room with a roundhouse kick, punched through his rib cage, torn out his heart, and held it aloft." -Chris Burke "You know what, you're not even Web 2.0. You're Web 2.1, baby." -Rose Marshack Cuddy: "I have a whole new appreciation for what you do, how hard it is to believe when everyone around you is telling you that you're wrong." House: "It helps to know they're idiots." -Dr. Lisa Cuddy & Dr. Gregory House {House, M.D.} "I know you can't talk, so I need you to look petrified if you consent." -Dr. Gregory House {House, M.D.} "Wow. Y'know, you might get cool shit like this at the Discovery Channel, but their narrator almost never says the words, 'cunt pickle,' for no reason." -Penn Jillette {Bullshit!} "To survive, our body needs protein, vitamins, nutrients, carbs, calories, and the gentle touch of an Asian ladyboy, all of which are found in the food we eat... except for the Asian ladyboy." -Penn Jillette {Bullshit!} "It was a conceptually flawed policy. You are not going to create a liberal democracy out of three provinces of the former Ottoman Empire that are really a figment of Winston Churchill's imagination." -Bill Bradley "I've also worn contact lenses, but up until recently I could only wear hard contact lenses, which are essentially transparent hubcaps that you stick under your eyelids. They were pretty uncomfortable under the best of circumstances, but if I got the slightest bit of dust in one eye, it was as if that eyeball had lived an immoral, dissolute life, died and gone to hell, all while still somehow attached to my face and nerve endings. But at least I could buy cheap sunglasses to cover up my red, tear-filled eyes." -Lore Sjoberg "Never underestimate an Irish hologram." -Capt. Kathryn Janeway {ST:Voyager} "We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent than from the machinations of the wicked." -A. "There's a lot of danger in that auto plant, especially if you're naked." -Chris "Tiny" Sherwood, President, UAW Local 652 Dolly: "I love this internet. It's part fantasy, part community, and you get to pay your bills naked." Sarah: "They don't stress that enough as a selling point." -Dolly & Sarah Nolan {Must Love Dogs} "Maybe I'm being unreasonable, but I strongly believe that people should be buried in a hole for mistaking an FQDN for a URL. I mean, what's up with that, seriously?" -Tarik Dozier "Obviously using humans for fuel would be wrong and you wouldn't do it. But I'm not done confusing your moral compass." -Scott Adams "I didn't realize killing a man with my bare thumbs would change me so much." -Hank Hill {King of the Hill} "I guess right now it looks to me like marriage is having someone who will slap your enemies and then toss their dead bodies out of airplanes." -Dr. Temperance Brennan {Bones} "Yes indeed; if you hadn't owned that gun, then it couldn't have been stolen from you. Further, if humans hadn't developed the technology to smelt ore, that gun most likely wouldn't even have existed. Moreover, if heavy-handed, hyperbolic analogies hadn't been conceptualized, I would have to invent them for use in the construction of obvious points. However, I'm determined enough to utilize such lingual devices, so I'm sure I'd have found some way to do it." -Tarik Dozier "Come on now; you've partially-digested dismembered skeletal remains to examine. That should put a smile on your face." -Dr. Daniel Goodman {Bones} "My destiny is not to shoot you. The universe cannot be that lame." -Claire Bennet {Heroes} "One cannot conceive anything so strange and so implausible that it has not already been said by one philosopher or another." -Descartes "You know why chicken tastes so damn good? Cruelty! Bitter dejection makes them so damn tasty. Have you ever tried dog? It doesn't taste so good 'cause dogs are so damn happy all the time. Well, puppies are anyway. Puppy happiness tastes too much like love." -Dea "I'm a comedian, but in my spare time, things bother me." -Gary Shandling "The trail of drama crumbs has been eaten. I am so lost." -Mo "Every once in a while, I like to refer to myself in the archaic second person plural. Ye do that to confuse people." -Tarik Dozier "You know what, Jerri? I wish my daddy was in a coma. He's dead, Jerri. He was executed for war crimes... but for insurance purposes, we say he was eaten by wolves. Anyway, my point is, Jerri, somebody's always got it worse." -Grief Counselor Peggy Callas {Strangers With Candy} "I've never done this before; I'm a little nervous, so go gentle. On second thought, why don't you slap me around a little? I'm havin' trouble gettin' in the mood." -Jerri Blank {Strangers With Candy} "If you're paying for cable and not watching TV, you're losing money. It's just simple economics." -Stew {Strangers With Candy} "Hi, I'm Jerri Blank, and that was my story. Now before you judge me, consider this. You're not so innocent yourself. I'm guessing you've done some pretty horrible things, like the time you set that boat on fire and watched those Haitians panic. Oh, wait... that was me. The point is, you're a racist. Think about it; I haven't." -Jerri Blank {Strangers With Candy} "Apparently, the maintenance of reality is indeed a constant struggle with poor design. Without their valiant, dogged, unswerving attention to detail, the fabric of the known universe would unravel, and the simulacra would prevail. Just take me, for example. I haven't been making an effort to keep it real, and now I'm not even sure what that means. I would posit that those who truly keep it real as a normal matter of course don't actually need to waste so much time trying to convince others of the tremendous level of realness they maintain... whatever that means." -Tarik Dozier "Of course, this pattern of thinking also hearkens Walden, so one must bear in mind the essential intent of Henry David Thoreau when he wrote, 'I went to the woods because I wished to keep it real, 'cause that's how I roll.' My recollection of the exact quote might be somewhat askew." -Tarik Dozier "Arguing with anonymous strangers on the Internet is a sucker's game because they almost always turn out to be - or to be indistinguishable from - self-righteous sixteen-year-olds possessing infinite amounts of free time." -Neal Stephenson, Cryptonomicon "The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary. So I say 'cuntrifugal' IS a word." -Sean "A fist is just one hand praying by itself." -Clay Puppington {Moral Orel} "Such allurement has no value to the superior man." -Philip K. Dick, note to self on whether or not his work will sell "I know this because I can use logic." -Matt Loomis "Anyone you know could be Gary Oldman; he's that good. In fact, I'm only sure that I and maybe my mom are NOT Gary Oldman." -Matt Millson "Retroactive fixing of one's profile after someone has pointed out that you are advertising your interest in homo kiddie porn isn't really going to help much." -Monica Turner "My dad hit me so hard once I ended up five days in the past. When I met my 5-day younger self, the time paradox created caused a super black hole, instantly destroying all of reality. Try living with THAT kind of guilt." -The Guru "All of my limbs are bionic. The reason for this is that I was a good kid. You don't want to eat a good kid all at once." -The Guru "The way to go is to carry around a bunch of Freudian phallic symbols. Carry a snake, and stand next to a tunnel that's possibly on fire being put out by a less attractive fireman with a great big hose." -flutterby "Do not fall in love with the cardboard models, John. Papercuts on the penis... very painful." -Butchie Yost {John From Cincinnati} "I determine my success at life by my ability to end it in others. If I can kill you in hand-to-hand combat, I am better than you are. I'm fairly successful, I think." -Matt Loomis "You are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence." -Evil {Time Bandits} "Now that you've chosen a strategy for yourself, live it; own it; love it. My strategy is to live on my talent. You don't have that option." -Kara Saun {Project Runway} "Passion will make you crazy, but is there any other way to live?" -Kara Saun {Project Runway} "As my grandmother used to always say, if nothing online can entertain you, and nothing on the television can either, then maybe you're better off just killing yourself." -andee "This hole isn't gonna glory itself." -777 is my name "I'll meet you on the field of honor. It's right next to Frisbee field, if memory serves." -The Guru Cam: "Everything okay here?" Booth: "Yeah, sure, hey, you know. How's things?" Cam: "You know, murder and stuff. Just another day at the office. How about you?" -Dr. Camille Saroyan & Special Agent Seeley Booth {Bones} "I know for a fact that Posh Spice is a cyborg sent here from the future to collect handbags and skin care products." -777 is my name "I'm feeling something weird. At first I thought it was a fever or a stomach virus, then I thought maybe I had malaria or maybe an acid flashback, but I just realized what it is. Compassion. Jesus H. Christ, how do you people function when this compassion thing could strike at any minute? This is HORRIBLE!" -Matt Loomis "Don't people know when to be ashamed of themselves anymore?" -Celeste "Thankfully, they are blissfully ignorant. They have absolutely no idea that Harry is decapitated by Ron, who turns out to be Voldemort's robot son. Uhh... spoiler alert... retroactively." -John Oliver {The Daily Show} "Throw dogma a bone; pray correctly." -Clay Puppington {Moral Orel} "Before I learned to speak, no one ever used the words, 'actually,' 'ennui,' 'claptrap," and 'therefore.' I'm also partially responsible for the name of the German city, 'Dusseldorf.' It's also a widely-believed fact that I invented shelter -- not the word, but the entire concept. I was all like, 'wouldn't it be nice if we didn't have to be outdoors all the time?' I did invent the word, 'outdoors,' because at the time, there was no concept of 'indoors,' and thus no need for such a verbal device to differentiate one from the other." -Tarik Dozier, who also invented irony "I, myself, recently decided to question all of my most dearly-held beliefs. I subjected each one to the cold, irrefutable light of pure logic. It turns out I was right all along." -Lore Sjoberg, "The Keyboard Chronicles, Part 2" "Stop being passive aggressive. It's not an upgrade from condescending." -Celeste "We've come to know truths that we will never question: evil is real, and it must be opposed." -Pres. George Walker Bush "An evil exists that threatens every man, woman, and child of this great nation. We must take steps to ensure our domestic security and protect our Homeland." -Adolph Hitler "Child birth is a magical bonding experience between the mother and child. It involves blood, grinding pain, and disgusting body fluids. It's a beautiful thing. Why would you want to sully that with modern medical intervention?" -Ilex "You are saying that reality can be codified objectively, and I am here to tell you that reality is what I say it is; because if I can create enough points of fact that support what I believe, everyone else will believe it also, and through my will, I will create the future I want." -Stephen Colbert "Own it like you bought it." -Laura Neil "I long for the good old days, when men in capri pants were beaten in the streets by the first passersby to see them." -Matt Loomis "Well, I wouldn't argue that it wasn't a no-holds-barred, adrenaline- fueled thrill-ride, but there is no way you can perpetrate that amount of carnage and mayhem and not incur a considerable amount of paperwork." -Sgt. Nicholas Angel {Hot Fuzz} "Love heals scars love left." -Henry Rollins "If I were inclined to somehow represent that I had laughed out loud, this would be such an instance." -Tarik Dozier "I would rather be exposed to the inconveniencies attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it." -Thomas Jefferson "Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." -C.S. Lewis "My boss thinks the internet is a box filled with evil spider monkeys." -Homo ferveo "That guy has crazy, and he's not afraid to use it!" -Bettimon "Since when does nailing animals to front doors constitute stalking?" -Sean "I will shut down your operating system faster than 'kill -9.'" -A Ninja "Teaching cannot produce great leaders precisely because leadership is primarily an aesthetic ability. The most schools can do is provide some of the tools and techniques usable in creative work required of leaders, but they cannot create creativity. For example, one can be taught to draw, sculpt, compose, or write better than one would without being taught, but one cannot be taught to do so creatively with excellence -- to become an artist." -Russell Ackoff "Leaders are driven by ideas, not by the expectations of others." -Russell Ackoff "Happiness is a rare commodity in this world. When someone finds it, I think it's usually a good idea to let him or her wallow in it. If I told you some of the things that make me happy, you'd want to stage an intervention. To each his own, brother." -John Olson "There is no mess like broken glass and blueberry napalm." -Alton Brown {Good Eats} "They say that cat, Oedipus, is one bad mother... (Shut your mouth!) But I'm just talking about Oedipus! (Then we can dig it!)" -A. "Documentation is worth it just to be able to answer all your mail with 'RTFM.'" -Alan Cox "We are leaving a time when Big Media prints or broadcasts information to us, and we simply gobble it up as gospel, unchallenged. Instead, we are being pulled back to an era -- a great and nobel era -- where citizens were expected to hear the news of the day, and receive it with some skepticism, and to engage their own minds and resources in evaluating the claimed statements and drawing their own conclusions. We are reentering an era where citizens must actually begin thinking about the issues of the day with their own minds, and with their own analytical thinking fully engaged. The God of Unimpeachable Big Media is tumbling down." -Jack Campbell "We as readers and listeners have a larger responsibility to evaluate and judge the merits of the claims. It is a wonderful system... anarchic, yes... but it is the way a democracy should work. Unfettered public speech, coupled with a demand that citizens actually think... well, that system is the root of an open, unencumbered society." -Jack Campbell "People who are trying to live a lifestyle as a Christian should probably take the blinders off and figure out that just like the rest of the population of the world, Christians are mostly horrible and terrible people just like everyone else. There are a few good people scattered here and there, but just because they call themselves Christians, that doesn't make them any better." -Eric "Now that we've got the medical stuff out of the way, why don't we meet back at your place for some enhanced interrogation techniques? My safe word is 'help; please, please stop.' That's two 'pleases.' Anything less than that, you can keep going." -Dr. Gregory House {House, M.D.} "Therapy is for pussies. I deal with my mental trauma the old fashioned way -- with repression and denial." -andee "She carries drama around on her back like it is a dying species." -Drew "Now everyone will know that the Locos are crazy about postmodernist aesthetic contextual reframing." -{Xavier: Renegade Angel} "Just so you know, I've had tampon leaks that were more exciting than this thread." -zsazsa lagore "Kid, life is just death in drag." -Xavier: Renegade Angel "Don't swear to God. I talk to God all the time, and God happens to be the one that told me to torture your ass." -Ed Wuncler, Jr. {The Boondocks} "I'm going to wake up... any minute now... and everything will be fine." -Alton Brown "All of my hobbbies carry life sentences or death penalties here, or at least frequent canings. I'm not going outside." -Bart Whitehouse "Forget magic. Any technology distinguishable from divine power is insufficiently advanced." -A. "Curiosity was framed; ignorance killed the cat." -A. "I'm not advocating violence. I'm just saying it works, and I highly suggest using it." -A Ninja "Feature creep: If left unchecked, not only do you end up with a pig in a dress, but you end up with a pig in a bullet-proof dress with wader boots on each hoof, only the hooves have been replaced with knives, so you had to install a sheathing mechanism for the hoof-knives, which requires a motor buried in the pig's ass. Then when you deliver the pig to the farmer he's like, 'How the hell am I supposed to make bacon out of this pig if it's able to fight back with its hoof-knives, and I can't shoot it because of the bullet-proof dress? And the motor is leaking grease all over the ham meat!' Now, would you buy that pig?" -crymeph0 "I bet antichrist children would be a pain to babysit." -Laura East "I especially like the looks of the IdeaPad 110. I'm not sure about this 'Face Recognition Security,' though. I tend to shave every four or five days, and sometimes I've got glasses and sometimes not. Sometimes my eyes are red and bloodshot and sometimes they're... well, they're usually red and bloodshot. It would suck if I couldn't log into my notebook just because I was wearing my leather bondage hood and bridle." -Pope Ratzo "Thought has been the father of every advance since time began. 'I didn't think' has cost the world millions of dollars." -Thomas J. Watson "We've always wanted our kids to grow up with high self-esteem and feeling good about themselves. Watch any reality show tryout. I think we've succeeded, perhaps beyond our wildest dreams. There are a lot of people out there feeling good about themselves that probably shouldn't be." -Bob Thompson, Center for TV and Popular Culture, Syracuse University "Everything is going to be fine. However, this station will now only accept donations in the form of gold bullion, canned foodstuffs, or ammunition." -{Wait, Wait} "I'd hit that so hard, whoever pulled me out of it would become the King of England." -777 is my name