"The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along." -Rumi "As this thread doesn't add anything even vaguely new or substantive, I'm going to use it to write about kittens. Kittens are cute." -Tarik Dozier "Humanity spends way too much time making sure everyone's opinion is heard instead of making sure their opinion is worth hearing." -[GM]Dave "You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly." -Sam Keen "Oh, that's nothing. With the fat cash we get from that free monthly event, I was able to get matching platinum 'love' and 'hate' four-finger rings, as well as a diamond-encrusted grill that reads, 'Tautological Rationalization.' Apparently it's rather difficult to read, and then even after that great ordeal, people just don't seem to get it, so I'm thinking of replacing it with one that simply reads, 'BLING.' It doesn't quite make the same point, but it still shows everyone that I'm hardcore, and that's how I roll." -Tarik Dozier "Anybody could see that that was a satirical ass-beating." -Flow-nominal {The Boondocks} Soledad: "Wow. I have learned so many troubling things about you in forty-five seconds." Erica: "It doesn't take much." Soledad: "No, no; really, it doesn't." -Soledad O'Brien & Erica Hill {CNN, Anderson Cooper 360} "Also... I can kill you with my brain." -River Tam {Firefly} "The depths of Plucky's perversion are to yours as the Marianas Trench is to a puddle. Trust me on this. But, unlike you, he knows that Mojo is not intended to be a venue for that sort of thing, and keeps it between his sister/wife, his doberman pinscher, a 17-year-old Thai ladyboy named 'Bruce,' the corpse of Ronald Reagan, and himself. You should try to be more like Plucky." -Blue Meanie "We have to make books cool again, y'know? If you go home with somebody, and they don't have books, don't fuck 'em." -John Waters "If you're a librarian today, and a kids asks for Naked Lunch, and he's seven years old, if he's heard of it, in my book he's old enough to read it." -John Waters "You have to be ahead of the curve. It's not good enough to say to a kid you think might be gay, 'it's all right to be gay.' They already know it's all right. You gotta tell them, 'you don't have to like Liza Minelli.' You gotta tell them, 'S&M does look stupid at the beach.'" -John Waters "You see, children, it's about this time in the story when I have to put in a general disclaimer about hunting people for sport." -Curiosity Valentine "Kudos to you members for putting up with our ruthless motherfuckerness." -Nishi "Normally I'm so self-absorbed that if you hug me hard you're likely to get ego all over your sweater, but this is a bit much even for me. I feel as self-obsessed as a teenage ouroboros on Twitter." -Lore Sjoberg "The things that will destroy America are prosperity at any price, peace at any price, safety first instead of duty first and love of soft living and the get-rich-quick theory of life." -Theodore Roosevelt "Deer season is right around the corner. A week of hiding in the forest with a gun. This reminds me of my last breakup." -Matt Loomis "I don't believe in hypothetical situations. That's like lying to your brain." -Kenneth Parcell {30 Rock} Moltar: "No, see, he was begging to die, so I mangled him, ate him, and put on his skin as a joke." Tad: "And you're wondering why you didn't get the cup with your little face on it." -Moltar & Space Ghost {Space Ghost Coast to Coast} "The idea of American exceptionalism doesn't extend to Americans being exceptional. If you excelled academically and are able to casually use 690 SAT words then you might as well have the press shoot video of you giving the finger to the Statue of Liberty while the Dixie Chicks sing the University of the Taliban fight song. The people who want English to be the official language of the United States are uncomfortable with their leaders being fluent in it." -Jed Bartlet {Aaron Sorkin Conjures a Meeting of Obama and Bartlet} "I don't know whether or not Governor Palin has the tenacity of a pit bull, but I know for sure she's got the qualifications of one." -Jed Bartlet {Aaron Sorkin Conjures a Meeting of Obama and Bartlet} "There are times when you are simply required to be impolite. There are times when condescension is called for!" -Jed Bartlet {Aaron Sorkin Conjures a Meeting of Obama and Bartlet} "I'd like to point out that my wife always has a sweet, loving, and charming disposition. Moreover, she doesn't just 'get up' in the morning; she rises, like the sun on a beautiful day in Spring. I'd also like to point out that the fact that she is both heavily armed and a crack shot has absolutely NOTHING to do with anything I just wrote." -John Nelson "I've got a reputation to live up to. I mean, if my show does not make people vomit, and have an erection at the same time, then I've let my audience down." -Vincent Masuka {Dexter} "Violence Fois Gras was on the menu." -Matt Loomis "I have to admit, I'd had higher hopes for a clear policy driven growth plan, that examines and rectifies the disconnect between our service- driven economy and our need for strong, internal manufacturing infrastructure. I would fix it by giving everyone a unicorn." -Jaime Patterson "Basically, if you're trying to preserve the flavor of the neighborhood, make sure that flavor isn't feet and ass first." -Matt Loomis "All too often education actually acts as a form of aversion therapy, that what we're really teaching our children is to associate learning with work and to associate work with drudgery so that the remainder of their lives they will possibly never go near a book because they associate books with learning, learning with work and work with drudgery. Whereas after a hard day's toil, instead of relaxing with a book they'll be much more likely to sit down in front of an undemanding soap opera because this is obviously teaching them nothing, so it is not learning, so it is not work, it is not drudgery, so it must be pleasure." -Alan Moore "We're walking, talking exigent circumstances." -Coates {Street Kings} "Just because you robbed the grave doesn't mean you killed the guy." -Samantha Bee, on stock short-selling {The Daily Show} "Okay, I'm completely naked in my cubicle. Now what? Is this where I get drunk?" -Viki Navratilova "This exercise in hyper-entropic avant garde faggotry is so cutting-edge that it is already out of date." -James Howard Kunstler "Good God! Just knowing we're in the same genus makes me embarrased to call myself 'homo.'" -Prof. Hubert Farnsworth {Futurama} "The main reason my third wife and I eloped was to avoid House's bachelor party. Have you seen Caligula?" -Dr. James Wilson {House, MD} If you want to be technical, Starfleet ships have weapons on them, yet they are not a military force. Their purpose is to seek out new life, and new civilations... and, if need be, kill them. Romulans are so hostile they probably have weapons on the family Volkswagen, or whatever it is the Romulan soccer moms drive." -badwithsports "Memory nourishes the heart, and grief abates." -Marcel Proust "Life is eternal, and love is immortal, and death is only a horizon; and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight." -Rossiter Worthington Raymond "I would like to clarify that I have not been personally angered by any of your individual actions. It's just that I hate the world and everyone in it." -Curiosity Valentine "And when you see that girl with the long black hair and the purple eyes who is going to kill you, it's most certainly me." -Curiosity Valentine "If anything, I know too much about my father. It's all tucked away in the corners of my brain... that alcohol can't reach." -Bill Dauterieve {King of the Hill} "No sense beating a dead horse, unless it's one of those zombie horses. You can't beat them enough." -Stephen Colbert Dee: "That kitty is really loving this Molotov cocktail." Dennis: "Ho, there, Jack; that's not a toy." Mac: "He's slurping down that gasoline, no problem. What's the deal with that?" Dennis: "Yeah, he's got a thing for gasoline. He was born in a pool of it." -Dee Reynolds, Dennis Reynolds, & Mac {It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia} "Debra Lee's dress is made of baby tears and the nightmares of our ancestors." -Elon James, regarding the CEO and Chairman of BET "Lesson #1: Trust no one. The minute God crapped out the third caveman, a conspiracy was hatched against one of them." -Col. Hunter {The Venture Bros.} "I hate killin' ya, dude, but it's all I could come up with." -Henchman 21 {The Venture Bros.} "I'm looking forward to seeing [Joel] Robuchon in the flesh. I pretty much was under the impression that he didn't actually exist, and that he might be a unicorn." -Eli Kirshtein {Top Chef} "I'm not really a religious guy, but I do pray for opportunities to make fun of people; and I felt like that morning, God answered my prayers." -Jeff Lewis {Flipping Out} "The more we love our friends, the less we flatter them; it is by excusing nothing that pure love shows itself." -Moliere "EVERY TIME YOU POST WITH CAP LOCKS ON, ee cummings kills a kitten." -Libba Bray "The entire polarized bipartisan system is tailor-made to keep short-bus types like this stuffed into two easily-controlled boxes." -Cinemachinery "Rusty desperately wanted to be a man... but he had too much bitch in him, and deep inside his vagina, he knew that." -{Squidbillies} "That would be bad. 'Bad' rhymes with 'mad,' and... that rhymes with 'pain." -Sugar Plum Fairy {Good Eats} "A lot of people would say it's a bad idea, on your first day out of prison, to go right back to stalking the tranny hooker that knocked out five of your teeth and had you put in prison in the first place. But that's how I roll." -Phil {Choke} "You have only to meet a writer to not really care about meeting writers." -Fran Lebowitz "Technically, when someone else helps, it's no longer masturbation; it's team-building." -Stephen Colbert "'Just go out and bang some dude' is one of the phrases you will never hear a psychiatrist say. Other such phrases include, 'I think the heroin is doing you a lot of good,' and, 'Jesus, no WONDER your mother never loved you.'" -Dr. Corinne Buenvenida {Questionable Content #809} "If we're going to die, let's die looking like a Peruvian folk band." -Amy Pond {Doctor Who} "I'm being extremely clever up here and there's no one to stand around looking impressed. What's the point in having you all?" -The Doctor "Jonathan, ambition is the willingness to kill the things you love and eat them in order to stay alive. Haven't you ever read my throw pillow?" -Jack Donaghy {30 Rock} "My muse doesn't 'call' so much as she shows up with a shotgun and screams, 'NOW!!'" -Dan Clark "It seems to me that there are two ways to be really good at using profanity. One is to swear so sparingly that a single, tactical 'What the sistertouching fuck is going on here, you dickless kitten shit?' hissed through clenched teeth is devastatingly effective, like a priest punching you in the mouth through the screen in a confession booth while you're crying with your eyes closed." -John Rose "When social conservatism meets ludicrously extreme fiscal conservatism, they're pro-life only up to the point of birth. Then you're on your own, pal." -Tarik Dozier "Do what I do-- hold tight and pretend it's a plan." -The Doctor "If something here offends you, please bring it to our attention so we can all laugh at you." -Jason Crum