"If all else fails, read the directions." -Tim Miller "You don't have to be crazy to do this, but it sure helps!" -Bugs Bunny "It's not how big your home page is... It's how much you time you spend playing with it." -Mark Gingerich "Do we really need to prove ourselves 'better' than the competition by proving we can be worse than them?" -Kynn Bartlett "Excuse me, I have to go breathe into a small brown paper bag." -Tom Grassia "I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." -Steve Martin "I'm kidding, but only partly. I hope you all get it. Otherwise there is no hope..." -Bill Rhodes "If ignorance is bliss, then knock the smile off my face." -Rage Against The Machine, "Settle For Nothing" "You can only beat your head with a rock so many times." -Kynn Bartlett "All change is not growth, all movement is not forward." -Chris Hubbard "This is great, someone with enough time on their hands to get bent over a silly ass quote and then post to the entire goddamn list. (Yes I have time, it's the weekend)... Now I hope I've offended everyone." -MZ "Your freedom to swing your fist ends where my nose begins." -Oliver Wendell Holmes "We do not need to be patronized by anybody - if some kid is going to quit school, drop acid, and have unsafe sex after reading the word 'fuck,' then there was something wrong with the kid to begin with." -Kenny (age 14) "If you are so concerned about your little co-op students then maybe you should get them off the 'net and teach them something safe like gardening instead. But don't try and protect me from what you think is bad for me - your generation has already messed up this world plenty and I sure don't need your advice - your track record so far blows." -Kenny (once again) "Kenny, bless you, you give me hope for the future. If anything said here is enough to warp some kid's head, then that kid's parents haven't done a very good job of helping the child develop the ability to think for herself and the child is going to have a rude awakening once free of the parents' protective umbrella." -MZ "Shit makes great fertilizer, but it takes a farmer to turn it into a meal." -Suck.com "Did you read the documentation? I'm _sure_ that Netscape has documentation. RTFM is a cliche for a REASON, y'know." -Kynn Bartlett "Question: Has the vi editor in UNIX/Linux been ported to Windows? Now please stop laughing and get up off the floor!" -Frank Arnold "...I don't recall anyone using 'fuck' as a normal part of conversation, outside of those people doing it just because the original poster complained. Thus 'fuck' wasn't even part of the discussion, and it's really something that just shouldn't be worried about at all. Heck, after all, because someone complained it started this whole thread, which has had more occurances of the word 'fuck' than anything else I ever recall on any mailing list. Heck, I've typed it four times already." -Kynn Bartlett "Oh yeah; fist me, Tarik. Fist me now." -Tina Cooling "I found god!! All I did was stay up for 4 days straight and then ate a bowl of xtra potent queso flameado (the good stuff with 5 blends of fats and greases). Then sat in a pitch black room for a while. If you try it bring some sharp knives for xtra fun." -Dr. Brygo Wells "Due to technological limitations (particularly of certain rather archaic computer systems of a past decade's design) some systems are unable to handle such file name extensions, and shorten it to either ".htm" or ".HTM." [This is sometimes called eight-dot-three dementia.]" -Harold A. Driscoll "I don't think I've ever been able to do this with any other phone before." -Patty Chinratana "I've got a commercial to do, so let's pick it back up with the vaginal examination." -Tom Snyder {The Late Late Show} "Flaccid things are cool, because you can hit them with mallets." -Brandon Lease "Disagreeing with someone is not conter-productive, it's called 'discussion.' Not everyone agrees with others ideas. That is a basic part of life." -Phil Garrett "Besides, using a Mac is a firm jab in the eye of antichrist Bill Gates." -Andres Magnusson "Ah, but will validate? Those darn ethnocentric American web standards designers! Now nobody in England will be able to write valid 3.2 code." -Kynn Bartlett "But wouldn't it have been much easier if you'd looked it up in the docs rather than telling 10,000 HWG members that you don't know how to read the manual?" -Kynn Bartlett "In case some are wondering; no, I don't have a life." "I do, it's in /usr/X11/bin/xlife, I might still have the source code somewhere if you really need one." -Fred Albrecht and Patrick van der Valk "It's not a bug... it's not a feature... it's an ENHANCEMENT!" -Scott Walker "Just because it's a love story doesn't mean there can't be a decapitation or two." -Robert Englund "It is important to keep things in perspective. Java is being held to quite high standards of security and performance. Few products are held to such standards, certainly not major products such as Microsoft's Virus Writers Deluxe Toolkit (you'll find it in stores called Microsoft Office), nor most of their Windows operating systems (possibly excluding NT)." -Harold A. Driscoll "If you like the word 'penis,' you'll love this show." -Conan O'Brien "I'll just say that my sexual wrath hath no bounds." -John Becker "Either you hit one of the many Netscape bugs or one of the innumerable Windows bugs." -Fred Albrecht "OH NO, there goes our application to NATO. And when the UN hears about what a dictatorial oprressive regime the HTML Writers Guild is... oh boy." -Tom Grassia "Mac users are different from Windows users. Windows users like Windows, and they do their jobs. Mac users love their Macs, and they love to use them!" -Nate Kapel "The opinions I have expressed are really your opinions as well, you just refuse to admit it to yourself." -Tom Grassia "I don't care if you like it or not. You will submit." -Tanya Puente "Kevin, I will try to explain this carefully and slowly, so that you will understand. I will not be inflammatory, but most likely I'll be pretty darn condescending." -Kynn Bartlett "You shouldn't let poets lie to you." -Bjork Gudmundsdottir "Not only do those who throw stones need to worry about where they land, but also those who throw them back." -Harold A. Driscoll "You're not out of my favor; I'm simply disgusted with your actions." -Lewis Armistead (John Williams) "For someone to put them down for their announcement simply means they wish they had a life too, and they become angry when it's pointed out that they don't." -Jim Barchuk "With luck, designers will no longer need to drag their heels to accommodate these folks - they'll still be bottom-feeders, but the bottom, itself, is being raised a notch." -Jim Shamlin "The only reason you're still alive is because someone else has decided to let you live." -KMFDM, "Dogma" "As the most participatory form of mass speech yet developed, the Internet deserves the highest protection from government intrusion... Just as the strength of the Internet is chaos, so the strength of our liberty depends upon the chaos and cacophony of the unfettered speech the First Amendment protects." -Philadelphia federal court, overturning the CDA "A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day." -Calvin (generally associated with Hobbes) "A common example... a C compiler which flooded the computer room with poison gas when presented with a right-shifted signed integer would be standards-conformant, but *only* if this was mentioned in the manual." -Craig Berry "If you can keep your head while others around you are losing theirs, you've probably misjudged the situation." -Unknown "I see time as more of a magazine... now ask me about life." -Dilbert "Who told you that? Did they tell you that? What do they know of concave or convex. Don't listen to them. That is none of your concern. Look into the spoon. Look into it! What do you see? Yessss... you're upside-down in the spoon. Concern yourself with that." -Heather Riordan "But (in my opinion) it just seems that a greater percentage of rap artists seem bent on recycling the same themes over and over - I'm from the hood/ghetto/whatever, Gimme my weed/brewski/whatever, My bitches/hoes/ whatever, I'll shoot you in the face/kick your ass/whatever - and so on." -Jeff Hamilton "He was always a rather stupidly optimistic man. I mean, I'm afraid it came as a great shock to him when he died." -Mrs. White {Clue} "Musik ist Macht, eine ausgesprochene Verbindung von Schlau und Dumm. Geraeuschsuechtigen wird unter immensem Druck und Leidenschaft groesste Freude und Vertrauen abgesaugt. Der Heldenriff ist der Froschfresser. Der Rhythmus ein schoener Schwan. Nur die Worte ein Blutegel an deinem gehirn. Keiner Macht fuer dich mehr." ["Music is power, a particular combination of smart and stupid. The greatest joy and confidence are suctioned from noise-addicts under immense pressure and passion. The heroic riff is the frog-eater, rhythm a beautiful swan, only the words a leech on your brain. No more power for you."] -KMFDM "Light" "Commitment is the daily triumph of integrity over skepticism." -A. "We are all faced with the paradoxial fact that education has become one of the chief obstacles to intelligence and freedom of thought." -A. "I personally, can not relate to smoking crack (or whatever's done with it), fucking my ho, and then getting dressed so I can go out and shoot some niggas, followed by a convenience store robbery. So. Since I cannot relate to these themes, and I have no knowledge of rap music whatsoever, I think it would be hardly fair to pass judgement." -Stefan "The text on the page is white, and we ran out of white ink yesterday." -Monique Arnold "Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to the standards of thought, speech, and action derived by the conformants from study themselves." -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" "Y'know, the kids are in school now... I think I'll go get my left labia pierced." -Margaret Smith "Er.... So you needed Bjork to make you believe in yourself? Sorry lad, get a life. Bjork is a musician, not a guru." -Justin (from BEP) "With a PC, I always felt limited by the software available. In UNIX, I am limited only by my knowledge." -Peter J. Schoenster "Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man." -Jack Handey "That must be tough. Where do you dispose of idols? I suppose you can't just bury them in the back with everyone else?" -Paul Roquet "Dispose??? What're ya'... nuts?? Ain't you never had Idol soup?? [tastes like chicken] Mmmm... lotsa collard greens too." -Mark Correia "In another world, it'd be funny." -Paul Roquet "Every one of the 135,000 members of DNRC continues to get smarter and sexier with each issue of the newsletter. Coincidence? Hardly. Each sentence you read here is designed to tone your brain and stimulate the release of potent pheromones. I know it's working because I'm on an airplane as I write this and a woman in a blue outfit offered me a pillow and a blanket. You don't have to be Sigmund Freud to know what she's thinking." -Scott Adams "Let Hootie golf. Soulstice can dribble!" -Brian Clark "The only reason you can't do something is because you think you can't." -Janice Hicks "I was a end-user support person for 180+ users, PCs and Macs (about 50-50). I have a Pentium 100 PC and a PowerMac 8100/110 as a Webmaster. My PC is being used as a CD player." -Tristram C. Hussey "If all those don't work, well, then I suppose you could have a hissy fit on the lists and rant about unsubscribing and call everyone egomainiacs, but I can't really think of what _that_ would accomplish." -Kynn Bartlett "I didn't say I didn't say it. I said that I didn't say that I said it. I want to make that very clear." -George Romney "If you're mad enough, you become Emperor of the Universe. If you're sane enough, you can harness your madness and put it to good use." -Andrew C. Bulhak "Let's stop saying, 'don't quote me,' because if no one quotes you, you probably haven't said a thing worth saying." -Nicole Blackman {KMFDM, "Dogma"} "What can I say, I'm just a sucker for any movie where Andie MacDowell dies a lingering, slow death." -Scott Glazer "Wrong again. Do you like being wrong?" -MZ "The Spin Doctors' success has formed the basis for a tidal wave of mediocrity in 'alternative' music. They are an Evil that should be cleansed from the earth and they will be the first ones up against the wall when the revolution comes." -Scott Glazer "Modern society without organized religion would be like a crazed maniac without a chainsaw." -A. "Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth." -Scott Adams "You expect people to already know the source of the problem - if they knew that, they wouldn't have to ask." -MZ "I don't have to tell you that it would be a tragedy to put six billion Induhviduals in airtight plastic bags, because the first thing you know, someone in the DNRC will want to keep a sandwich fresh and there won't be any plastic left." -Scott Adams "Chicago is a difficult city for a vegetarian like me. Most of the restaurants have three choices for how you can have your cow prepared: 1) Dead, 2) Dying, 3) Really pissed-off. Chicagoans aren't buying into the 'well done' concept that is being hyped by the liberal media. Much of my time was spent arguing that fish and chicken are not vegetables in the classic sense of the word." -Scott Adams "The temperature in Minnesota is actually 60 to 75 degrees all year long! But the weasly residents go out of their way to tell you that you came on '...the only nice day this year. Normally it's 400 degrees below zero and your tongue breaks off if you try to say any word with a hard consonant in it.' Except for being liars, the Minnesotans are nice people. But I never got used to their mumbling." -Scott Adams "Reading Tarik's long list of ex-girlfriends pays off about 5 inches from the bottom." -Nicolas Dade, linking to my original bio "I may not believe in what you have to say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." -Voltaire "Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence." -Robert Frost "So what do you want? You want to be famous and rich and happy, but you're terrified you have nothing to offer this world; nothing to say and no way to say it... but you can say it in three languages." -KMFDM, "Dogma" "Sex is like Euchre. If you've got a good enough hand, you have to go alone." -Jon Roma "Amazing.... You'd actually have to be smarter to do something stupid." -Dogbert "The American Sheeple are such total losers. Instead of debating the real issue - the government robbing individuals - they instead debate who gets to benefit from the crime." -Christopher Burian "Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion. Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science." -Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" "I know what to do with networks. People I suck at." -Jill Smith "A gun is a dangerous weapon and, if used properly, can be a wonderful source of entertainment." -Sledge Hammer "To insert a column, click the 'column insert' menu. But let's be honest, userboy; if you need to be told _that_, you're too stupid to use this product." -Tina the Technical Writer (Dilbert) "I would certainly recommend against running a Web server (other than possibly for local testing) on Windows 95. But, then again, I'd not recommend using Windows 95 for anything (maybe games on a toy computer, maybe)." -Harold A. Driscoll "So if Lambada is the forbidden dance, does that make the Macarena the moronic dance?" -Deniz Yasar "I'll tell you EXACTLY where it started. The dance just stemmed from some cute girls dancing at a club and somebody watching thought they were dancing when in reality it was a girl ditching her boyfriend. Then SATAN realized the powerful tool he had in his hands and he decided that Barney was'nt enough, he must torment all thinking people of the world with a new unbearable suffering... and then you have what is happening today." -jesus@christ.com "Pearl Jam are the Black Sabbath of the 90's. Polvo are the Velvet Underground of the 90's. Smashing Pumpkins are the Boston of the 90's. Nine Inch Nails are the Twisted Sister of the 90's. Alanis Morisette is the Janis Ian of the 90's. The Replacements were the '84 Tar Heels of the late 80's. Columbus Crew are the Green Bay Packers of Major League Soccer. Dr. Pepper is the Boba Fett of the Coca-Cola Company. Derrida was the Chow Yun Fat of European post-structuralism. Ross Perot is the Steve Garvey of Tibet. Rotoblation is the Plymouth Volare of cardiology." -Klaatu "When alternative is inevitably replaced, I beleive Alanis Morrisette will become a gangsta rapper." -Rober Spuhler "Go home crawl into bed and stay there. If you move the monster under it is going to get you." -Jennifer Knipper (oddlystrange) "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go way." -Philip K. Dick "All our science, measured against reality, is primitive and childlike -- and yet it is the most precious thing we have." -Albert Einstein "That wasn't the point. Think about it. You can breath and think at the same time, right?" -Chris Petro "If you cannot or will not read the FAQ, then one will be appointed to you." -Ken Nagle "I can't explain it to myself, so I can't explain it to you. All I know is that I'm right." -Guinan {ST:TNG, "Yesterday's Enterprise"} "All are welcome -- but bring your own weasel." -Scumbag Bastard "I'm sorry... the decision maker of the house is unavailable right now. We can't seem to locate the Magic 8-Ball. Can you call back later?" -Tarik Dozier & James T. Westbrook