"One head... one title... one body... one HTML document..."
-Tarik Dozier
"One day I woke up to discover that the second generation of goths (those
who discovered The Sisters and Bauhaus *after* The Mission and The Cure)
are a bastard offspring. Humourless, unoriginal in dress, thought, and
dance; *and* (worst of all) with a 'harder core than thou' attitude. We
called them 'mini-goths', but they did not understand. We called them
'quantum-goths', but they were even less likely to understand that. We
wrote fanzines for them, told them about the past, tried to make them laugh -
but they said 'who cares, we're having a good time!' At last they understood.
So we got the DJ to play Creaming Jesus and slamdanced till we bled."
-Simon Brind (SexBat), "A History of Goth"
"Never eat anything bigger than your head. And a fool and his money were
lucky to get together in the first place."
-J. Michael Straczynski
"I want to get a neck pouch for my Secure Net Key card. That way, I'll be
sure to have it whenever I'm dressed. And if I'm naked, I certainly have
no business being root."
-Jon Roma
"IPv6, we don't need no stinkin IPv6, just stop hogging the /24 and /16
blocks. Sigh."
-Harold A. Driscoll
" I think the purpose of dating is to get warez."
-Geoff Raye
D: "Well, I don't know what to tell you. All the settings seem to be
correct; it should work."
T: "Yes, Daniel; thanks for pointing that out. Coincidentally, I was just
thinking, 'all the settings seem to be correct, and yet, it doesn't
work... perhaps I should call technical support.' Tell me, did I reach
the moral support hotline by mistake?"
D: "You don't have to be rude."
T: "That wasn't rude; that was condescending, bordering on angry. Trust me,
you don't want to see rude. If you want a hint at what that's like, I
can show you sarcastic, genius; but I didn't wait through fifty minutes
of being put on hold to the tune of that pathetic 45-second continuous-
loop muzak, just to hear you repeat after me."
-Tarik Dozier and Daniel
(tech support guy whose supervisor was more than happy to help)
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
-Rick Osborne
"Warning: there are some people out there who do not want you to be thin,
they are waiting for you, outside, right now! They are after you, they
are out to get you! Everywhere, plotting, planning, waiting! Anyone could
be one of them, your best friend, your neighbor, me, even you! Best to
lie down and get a couple of days sleep once in a blue moon - before the
space aliens come and eat your brain!"
-Simon Brind (SexBat)
"I think if I don't do something with one person, I'll do it with another."
-Kerry Santoro
"We are indeed tight-assed tyrannical bastards, but we prefer to be
referred to as Bastard Operators From Hell, and we have had much more
experience dealing with people like you than you have had dealing with
people like us. After all, we do it for a living."
-Mike Andrews
"Actually, the best 'slippery' line came from Australian artist Peter Ledger:
'Slippery as a bucket of monkeys' foreskins.' It's the kind of hideous line
that just keeps you up at night, trying to pretend you never heard it...."
-J. Michael Straczynski
"Down that path lies madness. On the other hand, the road to hell is paved
with melting snowballs."
-Larry Wall
"For them to fire me I'd have to molest children or steal the university's
money. Since they don't let me near either, I'm safe."
-Jon Roma, UIUC sysadmin overlord
"The most common fatal disease in domestic rats is 'chewing through power
cables.'"
-Simon Brind (SexBat)
"We're not doing any of that thumbs-up shit."
-Roger Ebert
"...and in searching for the cause of our social ills, we could choose to
blame the media, or the congress, or an administration that's been in power
for twelve years. Or, we could blame me."
-Murphy Brown
"Earth. Oh, don't get me wrong, a thousand years ago it had character...
Crusades, Spanish Inquisition, Watergate..."
-Q {ST:DS9}
"Let me first rephrase your question... When you view a page (of unspecified
URL) at a Web site (unspecified URL, running a Web server of unspecified type,
on a platform of unspecified type), using an unspecified HTML User Agent
(unspecified if a Web browser, or what vendor, version, or platform) you get
undesired results (of an illustrated nature). However when you view the file
(on an unspecified platform) using Netscape browser 2.0 or 3.0 you get the
desired effect (of a specified nature). The best answer I can give is to do
things differently (you guessed it, in an unspecified way)."
-Harold A. Driscoll
"If a tree is rendered in the forest and there's no light source, does it
cast a shadow?"
-Ancient SIGGRAPH Zen Riddle
"You wouldn't know satire if it walked up to you on the street bare naked,
bit your ass, and then proceeded to put on a rainbow-colored afro wig and
started jumping up and down, singing 'The time to get a clue is now!'"
-Joel Jones
"Is man one of God's blunders, or is God one of man's?"
-Nietzsche
"The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination. But the
combination is locked up in the safe."
-Peter DeVries
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips
over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come."
-Matt Groening
"Yeah, but the config file... it's like the Necronomicon. You are warned
away, but you go regardless, hoping to learn unearthly secrets. If your
sanity survives, you spend the rest of your life conversing with daemons,
running from shoggoths, and striking fear in to most mortals. I don't
know whether it has driven me insane or revealed to me deep secrets about
the universe."
-Tori Lease, on Sendmail
"Be a realist. The glass is twice as large as it needs to be."
-Greg Kaiser
"I think the first time Flo said, 'Kiss my grits,' something inside all
of us whithered and died."
-Tom Servo
"You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."
-Mark Twain
"One can divide mankind into two categories - The Hamlets, who think
without acting, and the Don Quixotes, who act without thinking."
-Ivan Turgenev
"It is the ultimate battle between vaguely evil and mildly ambiguous!"
-Crow T. Robot
"You've raised three children who can ambush and hog-tie a complete
stranger. I think that's something to be proud of."
-Marge Simpson
"If I could go through the dorms and shoot people, exam pressures would
be put into perspective."
-Prof. Ralph Noble
"They don't let us beat students anymore, but my fantasy life is my own
business."
-Prof. Ralph Noble
"Everybody seeks happiness! Not me though! That's the difference between
me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me!
I demand euphoria!"
-Calvin
"I just want you to realize that I'm revealing the secrets of the universe
to you. Don't file this away in the same section of your tiny little minds
along with tiny little trivialities such as recipes for banana walnut bread,
or memories of the first time you experienced intercourse."
-Q, {ST:TNG,"Q-Squared"}
"Between the two of us, we saved the universe. Makes a hell of a log entry,
don't you think? 'Captain's Log, stardate yakkity-yak. Got up. Brushed
teeth. Charted some stars. Saved the universe. Had dinner. Brushed teeth.
Went to bed.'"
-Q, {ST:TNG,"Q-Squared"}
"...and if you have any questions about anything, come on up and ask
me. Even if I don't know the answer, I'll make something up and you'll
believe me."
-A.
"Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you
and you're going to burn in Hell. The other is that sex is the most
awful, filthy thing on Earth. And you should save it for someone you love."
-Butch Hancock
"That is the biggest fool thing we have ever done. The atomic bomb will
never go off, and I speak as an expert in explosives."
-Adm. William Leahy, 1945
"Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he
turns on you with a miniature machine-gun."
-Matt Groening
"Outside of a dog, man's best friend is a good book. Inside of a dog...
well, it's too dark to read!"
-Groucho Marx
"And Christians... I'm afraid that the Jews were right. Now, are there
any questions. Yes?... No, I'm afraid that we don't have any toilets. If
you had read your Bibles you would have seen that it was 'damnation
WITHOUT relief.' So, if you didn't go before you came here, you won't be
happy, but then that is the point."
-Rowan Atkinson as the Devil
"If I crawl around the forest, picking up frogs and peering at their
butts, I'm a lunatic. But if I record how many spots are on the butts
and try to derive some sort of meaning from it, I'm a scientist."
-Neil Steinberg
"You don't point a gun at somebody unless you're prepared, justified, and
willing to kill that son of a bitch."
-G. Gordon Liddy
"All the world's a stage, and the play is badly cast."
-Oscar Wilde
"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion,
butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnett, balance
accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give
orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem,
pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently,
and die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."
-Robert Heinlein
"As a circle of light increases, so does the circumference of darkness
surrounding it."
-Albert Einstein
"Prejudice is stupid. There are enough reasons to hate people individually."
-A.
"Not neccessarily. There is nothing wrong with being prejudiced against
stupid people."
-Jason Lindquist
"Adults are only obsolete children."
-Theodore Seuss Geisel
"Additionally, I'd normally avoid pointing out that this type of vulgarity
should compensate only for a lack of the appropriately equipped vocabulary,
as it seems like a cheap shot. I will, however, make an exception in your
particular case."
-Tarik Dozier
"Ignorance is bliss, and patience is a virtue, which means you can live a
pretty good life if you're stupid and don't mind waiting around."
-A.
"Star Trek is the ultimate family. The head guy sits in the coolest
chair in front of a big screen TV telling everyone else what to do."
-Tom Rhodes
"We had a quicksand box in our yard. I was an only child, eventually."
-Steven Wright
"If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of twenty-two,
it would have changed the history of music...and of aviation."
-Tom Stoppard
"Satan is alive and well, my friend; and he's as real as you or I.
He lives at Meijer."
-{Go Die}
"If you don't have access to a computer and modem you will have to learn to
whistle very fast."
-Simon Brind (SexBat)
"See, you not only have to be a good coder to create a system like Linux,
you have to be a sneaky bastard, too."
-Linus Torvalds
"UNIX is user friendly... It's just selective about who its friends are."
-A.
"If you really want us to listen, stay around and work with us, instead of
having a hissy fit and leaving the sandbox."
-Kynn Bartlett
"As I mentioned before, with your attitude of 'this is a problem, therefore
I QUIT!,' there's little I, as a GB member who -does- want to listen, can
do about this problem. You're gone, you're outta here, you're out the door;
all I can really do is hope the door doesn't hit you on the ass on the way
out. But that's the choice -you- made, not me."
-Kynn Bartlett
"kill -9 them all, let reboot -rf now sort them out."
-Peter Gutmann
"You got 99.5% of the money. Where'd the other .5 percent go? We don't
know; we're still looking for it."
-Bob Dole
"'Transcend, don't descend into the abyss.' I hate vague directions.
Do I go 3 blocks or 4 before making the right turn to Enlightenment?"
-Edward Johnson
"In my professional opinion, as well as that of many of my colleagues,
Gateway sucks. Why buy a crappy computer just because it's easy to, when you
can get a headache just by hitting yourself with a rock, absolutely free?"
-Tarik Dozier
"I didn't think so. You can climb back under your rock now."
-Jason Lindquist
"It's good to see that here on AG we're able to cut through the thin
demeanor of decency that covers us and get to the real depravity that
defines us. Alt.Gothic Virtual Orgy?"
-Edward Johnson
"Thank you for your interest in Goth. Please be sure to get your application
out as soon as possible since we can only accept 10 applicants into Goth a
month."
-Jennifer Knipper (oddlystrange)
"That was my role when I was nine -- a freak child."
-Tori Amos
"Well it was version 1.2.. that means we should be up to version 2.5.1 by
now. Because in the future, all versions are 2.5.1."
-Kathryn Smith
"Don't threaten people like us. We're scarier than you."
-William C. Isenhour (TSM)
"Is it just me, or does there always seem to be an inordinate number of
objects in Vlad's pants?"
-Diana L. Cascioli
"hahahahahahahahahhahahahah..Oops, split my corsets. Time to go sulk in a
corner and think hard about death. Cheers!"
-Zoe
"Pssst, Dragoness......I'll give you a dollar if
you call him 'freakboy' for me."
-Janeira St. Clare
"Just face it, we all suck... the trick is figuring out which people suck
more than you do."
-Prunesquallor
"Tarik, your life is a walking goddamn soap opera. Especially with women.
If you were on a soap, you'd be the rich, handsome, powerful playboy with
the kooky streak who never settles down with a girl. Except that I think
that's just how it LOOKS to people."
-Jen Koclanis
"Disclaimer - These opiini^H^H damn! ^H^H ^Q ^[.... :w :q :wq :wq! ^d X
exit X Q ^C ^? :quitbye CtrlAltDel ~~q :~q logout save/quit :!QUIT
^[zz ^[ZZZZZZ ^H man vi ^@ ^L ^[c ^# ^E ^X ^I ^T ? help helpquit ^D
mhelp ^C^c help exit ?Quit ?q CtrlShftDel "Hey, what does this button d"
-Michael Brunson
"To the real author: uiuc.classifieds.personals does not need any more
flamebait. Cease and desist or I'll sic [sic] my army of ferocious weasels
on you."
-Paul Swanson
"Shut up, I'm fabulous..."
-Eva
"Five goths in a big black car, midnite on a cloudy night, somewhat busy
city street, a couple driving their new car home from a show. The goths
pull up, blaring "Faith" from the big black car and as they pass the couple
they all look at them, sigh heavily, and yell, holding their hands out to
the couple, "BE SAD AND DEPRESSED!!!!" The couple pulls off the road and
begins to cry uncontrollably for hours. Their lives are never the same
after that Drive By Mopeing!!!!!!!!!! I really need to cut back on the
caffeine..."
-Mykl
"Official decree of branch office: never turn around while running and
yelling 'haha' at someone because a tree will spring up right in front
of you at that precise second."
-Jennifer Knipper (oddlystrange)
"A 'Goth' is a small fire engine that spews salad all over golden turkeys
in the Sahara when it rains. No really..."
-Orren Zvi Merton (Lord of Wolves)
"If you feel like staring at walls for a while, then stare at 'em. They
don't get mad. Trust me... Just remember to get up and eat and go to the
bathroom once in a while."
-Ron Cecchini
"Despite my aggravation, I had to concede that, yes, the universe actually
does have a sense of humor."
-Margaret Krebs
"Actually, if you research it deep enough, you find an interesting, if
somewhat startling, and obscure fact. Goth is, in fact, a breakfast cereal."
-Hardrock Llewynyth, who never starts his morning without it
"Moi!!!! Take myself seriously!!! ALWAYS!!!! I am the most serious person
ever to have developed in a womb. I sit here all day and contemplate my
seriousness... sometimes when I'm done with that I seriously sit there
and consider why I am always so damn serious."
-Jennifer Knipper (oddlystrange)
"Sometimes, when stuff happens, you get an urge to write poetry. Don't."
-Bob Rosenberg
"It could be worse. You could be Spam."
-Murphy
"I am the edge."
-Aeon Flux
"I'm a 36 year-old Virgo and a former killer, whose hobbies include
performing recreational autopsies, defecating, and drinking rum. I've
recently been given a conscience, and would like to help you."
-Bambara {Aeon Flux}
"Well, I was involved in industrial espionage, domination, humiliation,
white slavery, and false advertising; but now that I have my custodian,
I feel good. Real good."
-Hostess Judy {Aeon Flux}
"I'm not asking you. I'm commandeering your libido under Monican aegis.
This is an authorized police action, lover. You're mine."
-Aeon Flux
"In any case, the point [to Goth dancing] is self-expression, whereas
the point of Macarena is conformity..."
-the Albatross
"That's gothic. It says so on the box. Honest."
-Savaric
"I personally have little use for Christianity, and feel very sorry for
Jesus, who seemed nice enough in the stories, suffered horribly, and
ended up with nothing to show for his trouble but Christianity!!!"
-Eeyore
"Onion connectorup-er. It is a device which connects an onion up to the
telephone line. I've just invented it. Dumb, because onions are completely
useless connected up to a telephone line."
-Sam Kayani
"Ability to type on a computer terminal is no guarantee of sanity,
intelligence, or common sense. Sturgeon's Law (90% of everything is crap)
applies to Usenet. In an unmoderated newsgroup, no one can agree on what
constitutes the 10%. Nothing guarantees that the 10% isn't crap, too.
Don't sweat it - it's not real life. It's only ones and zeroes."
-Spaf's Words of Wisdom
"There are two things which people will watch with undivided attention:
an attractive member of the opposite sex and a zamboni."
-Jack Runchey
"Where do you think you're going in that flannel, young lady? No daughter
of mine is leaving this house dressed like that. Now you go to your room,
and don't come out without some PVC and something that jingles when you
walk. And don't you 'but Dad' me."
-Tarik Dozier
"Hey check it out everybody, someone showed a frat boy how to use finger.
Wait a sec....he fingered me? I feel so dirty."
-Vikram Adukia
"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true.
I have the heart of a young boy... in a jar on my desk."
-Stephen King
"I've always wanted to start up a band called 'Pain' just so I could walk
out on stage and say 'Hi, I'm in Pain.'"
-Gruamach
"How many Microsoft techs does it take to change a lightbulb? None! They
just change the standard to darkness."
-Kevin Waterson
"Alright, you maggots! So, you think you're FLUFFY enough for the Cuddle
SWAT Team? Well, we'll just see about that! By the time I'm done with you,
you will be full-fledged Cuddle Commandos. You'll be able to completely
strip and reassemble plushy toys in the field using nothing but your teeth
and matchsticks! You'll be able to divert ANY thread into a discussion of
the Toilet D*ck in three lines or less! You'll be able to subsist for
months on a diet of nothing but fizzy soft drinks and marshmallow cereals!
But first, you have to PROVE that you deserve to wear this uniform. Now,
I wanna see you all drop and give me fifty serious BOUNCES. GET MOVING!"
-Christabel La Motte