* from the UIUC Allen Residence Hall newsgroup, urh.rha.allen: ___________________________________________________________________________ "Wow, I hadn't realised just how long I'd been away from Normal." -Brandon Lease "Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it should be hard to understand." -Byron Faber "Indeed, reality as other people define it is scary. I often wonder just why they insist on making it so... bland. I plan on molding my own pocket dimension out of gum wrappers, draino, and the severed silver cords of my enemies. Stand aside MacGuyver, let a *real* freak do the work." -Brandon Lease "You are all evil." -Tim Skirvin "Fear the army of undead minions that I'm raising from my haven in the ivory tower of radical liberalism. Nevermind that it only consists of hamster skeletons and other animated rodent corpses... that only makes it more fearsome... imagine having your eyes clawed out by tiny gerbil bones... what a pathetic way to die... muhuhahahaaaaa..." -Brandon Lease "CS people often forget that there are certain differences between conversing with machines and humans." -Brandon Lease "All my friends and I are crazy. It's the only thing that keeps us sane." -Rebecca Lehmann "Don't ask *why* I thought it was so funny; but when I first read it, I laughed so hard that it took five men in white coats to hold me down for sedation rather than the usual three." -Brandon Lease "I think we decided long ago that something cooler than that would be Paul Pomes, in a Fiero, holding a Grog's pepperoni and Bar-B-Q pizza, with a naked chick in the passenger seat, all on fire, in Seattle." -Peter Zurich "*You* called an invasion on the anth group? I was under the impression that the voices had been urging me to do it..." -Brandon Lease "Uhm... yeah, ok, so like we can get together and create 'The Army of the 12 Allenites,' and we can open up all the security doors and let loose the residents of Allen to wreak havoc upon the rest of the campus, thus proving that the Allenites can not be restricted....." -Dave Hoffman "Noise is our friend too. If people refuse to listen, make it *painful* to ignore." -Brandon Lease "My life would be hell if jello could fly under its own power." -Brandon Lease "At this point, it becomes obvious that Eris is teaching a big lesson on the ownership of Discord. All She has to do is take more than one side and all of a sudden, people realize that chaos isn't just for breakfast anymore." -Brandon Lease "IRC is not just a place for college undergraduates to waste time until they flunk out." -Ed Krol "Actually, Eris is a large box of cereal with a picture of Gamera on the back and a little plastic dinosaur inside." -Brandon Lease "Fuck it all, let's set fire to something the University owns... like my firstborn." -Brandon Lease "Lies, lies, lies... I am not a geek, I'm just someone who spends too much time in the Allen computer center. Ooops. I stand corrected." -Christine Gurney "I want to have my brain replaced with the most recent version of Emacs... then I could, like, add elisp scripts to psychoanalyze people, encheferize my speech, interpret jive and rap, fix delicious crepes, etc..." -Brandon Lease "Ignorance is wrong, pure and simple. It's not always possible to fool people, and beyond its expedience, coddling their ignorance has no place with me." -Daniel Howard "*whines* I WANT THE FIRST AMENDMENT BACK!!!" -Christina Cooling "Pete had the right idea when he was talking about etiquette in general. It's not just a chivalry thing. That is, it isn't *just* a chivalry thing until you challenge an offender to a duel. Until then, it's just about courtesy, which people believe to be dead. It's only dead if we bury it alive." -Brandon Lease "I'm not 'religiously-challenged.' I get religion, no problem. It's the God part that stumpes me." -Eileene Coscolluela "Gosh, that's pretty harsh, when *Singapore* condemns you for bigotry!" -Daniel Howard (on Pat Buchanan) "Why do orgasms exist if god/goddess/whatever didn't give them to us as an incentive to go out there and fuck?" -Rebecca Lehmann "If God created EVERYTHING, then people do not create anything. If people started procreating rampantly, that's GOD's fault, not ours. We're just here to have the sex." -Eileene Coscolluela "Asians rock! When I grow up I'm going to grow long hair and follow Asians around the country, selling Asian memorobilia and T-Shirts from the back of my Dad's VW microbus." -Daniel Howard "Back when I was little we had to walk 9 miles uphill both ways in the snow over broken glass, barefoot, just to get to the computer lab, and by God we liked it. And you whine because you don't like the comm program... back when I was little we were so poor we couldn't afford a term program with ANSI emulation, we had to interpret it ourselves!" -Peter Zurich "You call that work? By God, when I was little, we walked 10 miles through uphill winding paths both ways, all the while being attacked by lions, tigers, and bears (oh my!) during a white out. And when we arrived at the damn lab, we had to get on the treadmill to power up the generator that ran it." -James T. Westbrook "Hell, we didn't even have modems. I had to stick the phone wire on my tongue and distinguish the ones and zeros by the electrical impulses coming down the wire... and decode it back to ASCII. In real time." -James Hogan "Bwah hahahaha. We got the data in raw binary and had to translate it by hand, we were so poor." -James T. Westbrook "Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology." -R. S. Barton "Another short joke and I'll punch you in the knees." -Eileene Coscolluela "No nuts. I don't like nuts in my cookies. *waits for deviant replies*" -Rebecca Lehmann "Do SOMETHING to get the idea... the damn thing stretches. You show me a woman and I'll show you a woman who can be fisted." -Peter Zurich "I love ya Tim, but not even love will stop the cleansing power of the celestial cheeze grater." -Brandon Lease "Tim, what's this preoccupation with gripping things?" Daniel Howard "Fine. Go fist yourself and tell us the outcome so that we can take notes from somebody who has an actual vagina." James T. Westbrook "Show me a strong woman, and I'll let my sister kick her ass. Hehe... US Army, trained in Airborne. Woo woo. Growing up rocked cuz bullies got the shit kicked out of them by a chick." -James T. Westbrook "Woah, my stomach just *spoke* to me, and I'm not talking in metaphors like usual. It said, 'aardvark.' I go now to ponder this startling revelation. (There is goes again! 'Baygle,' it interjects!)" -Brandon Lease "[Daniel Howard] wrote: > Just because software works is no reason to use it. > Windows, for example ... Are you insinuating that Windows works? That's a cute one." -Shawn D. McPeek "I think that Tim should be vaginally fisted." -Daniel Howard "You do and I'll sue! I'll take my business elsewhere! I'll haul your sorry ass outside and kick your butt across the parking lot! I'll... er..uh..sorry, the testosterone took over again. damned Usenet..." -Dauna Bartley "Anybody who likes Barney shouldn't be hindered from purchasing booze." -James T. Westbrook "Anyone who likes Barney has already had *more* than her fair share, I think." -Chris Richman "hey! Barney's my friend! " -Dauna Bartley "So what, I'm a senior in computer science, it doesn't mean I know jack shit about computers OR science." -Peter Zurich "Students are wary of reading rules, especially when there's a lot of them, as the rules generally just suck. That sign in particular is especially forebodeing because of it's size, obvious expense, and three ominous darkish bars, which one is almost afraid to read as they might say 'Ignorance is Truth' 'Freedom is Slavery' 'War is Peace' ... that sign just has that huge Big Brother effect ..." -Daniel Howard "You're lamer than like... Skirvin, Ken Chen, RSC, and the hair on my butt, all put together." -Peter Zurich "You're lamer than Gross and Linguist, if they were like, forged together into one single entity held together with hallucinogenic chewing gum!" -Daniel Howard "Tim, child, the list [of people who hate you] would be longer than the Chicago phonebook. *ducks, reminds Tim she has an asskicking faerie wand*" -Rebecca Lehmann "Oh, Justin? He's harmless... especially if you sell him your soul." -Tori Lease "I don't know where you damn freaks get the idea that freedom of speech is something that everyone deserves! Everyone but the people that agree with me should just shut up! ;)" -Tina Cooling "I agree with you -- I'm sick and tired of people that don't agree with me." -Peter Zurich "Well I *know* I'm not stoned *all* of the time that I'm using vi... or any of the time for that matter... maybe I'm just CRAZY!" -Tori Lease "We'll see how you feel about that 50 years down the road when your grandchildren are infertile and have cancer sores all over their body, and never get to eat fresh lettuce." -Daniel Howard "If you love something, kill it. If it returns, you belong to it forever." -Anon "I've found that the less you worry about money, the more you have. But then, I don't live entirely in reality." -Daniel Howard "Well, clearly [Thomas] Jefferson wasn't a True Christian(tm), he didn't spend his weekends clubbing queers and shooting abortionists." -Christopher Burian "Actually, your terminology is a bit wrong here. Conservatives don't butt-fuck. That's kind of a liberal thing." -James Tschanz "There is nothing like being told you're a heathen slut and are going to Hell to start off your morning." -Anne Nowinski "What's the bandwidth limit in hell?" -Tim Skirvin "5k... annually." -Daniel Howard "...sarcasm? Lick me where I pee." -Kathryn Smith "Well, who should shut up? I mean, should all of us shut up or should Dan? I don't think Dan will shut up, I mean, Dan never shuts up. I, on the other hand, do shut up if someone tells me to shut up. I never talk, actually, and am usually completely fnord silent. No one can ever get me to say a word, right? I mean, anyone who knows me knows that I don't run my mouth off at a mile a minute, and that if someone tells me to be quiet, I will always immediately be silent. Some of us never stop talking, I mean, that crazy ErisE chick fnord is such a freak, when she starts talking nothing can ever get her to stop but that's just her. If she and I are talking all she ever does is talk because I never talk. I mean, just think, a bunch of people on here talking and you're telling them to shut up? I mean, fnord I'll shut up now, because fnord someone told me to and I think that I should be quiet whenever someone tells me to because I don't want to irritate people, because I try to get along with everyone and I want to have everyone like me and I really like people and why are you running away, I'm being perfectly nice and not being forward and you told me to be quiet so I'm going to shut up. Come back..." -Tina Cooling "Nothing can escape the wrath of ass-kicking faerie wand!" -Rebecca Lehmann "I don't know, could be because half of Allen (including my own roommate for a while there) thinks I'm a lesbian. Jeez, and all I did was date a girl for a year, I mean, come *on*, how stereotypical can we get!" -Tina Cooling "Hey, this is getting just a *little* too weird for me. Next thing you know, we'll have people here claiming to be bisexual coder-gothchicks trapped in a formerly male body." -Tori Lease "Believe me, I did not learn a thing about sex or love from other people. It was something I had to discover for myself. (Anyone makes any tacky masturbation comments and I hit them.)" -Tina Cooling "We're your new reality. Enjoy it... or let it engulf you in madness. Either way, you're better off." -Tarik Dozier "Sometimes, I swear I would *kill* if it would make my life less interesting, but somehow, the very idea of killing being uninteresting seems wrong..." -Tori Lease "Can we sacrifice Bryan to me? We can rip his heart out on my altar." -Tina Cooling "Dauna must be a large woman to handle a hoe like Tarik." -John Joven "So, now I have this picture of Dauna out in some garden somewhere using Tarik as a landscaping tool... This newsgroup hurts my brain..." -Beth Tarr "I believe the line is: 'We have no love for hoes.'" -James T. Westbrook "I demand them, and I know where the supply it. Come out with your pants down." -Tori Lease "What are you people doing?!? This flame war is in danger of degenerating into a real thread!" -James Hogan "I'm not sure what your post was trying to accomplish, but you have a definite talent for saying a whole lot of nothing that is vaguely interesting but bullshit nonetheless..." -Becky Lehmann "Love 'ya Pat, but I'm afraid that you've degenerated into a raving loon." -Tori Lease "I could live with *any* of those Allen aliases (some of which you listed weren't even aliases, you moron), but I would sooner castrate myself with a can opener before publicly beginning to refer to myself as 'The Stud.'" -James Hogan "The Internet is a way of life, but don't forget to bring your Visa Card, while the Internet accepts morons and dillholes, it doesn't accept American Express." -Keith T. Garner "Wow. I wouldn't have done that in a jillion years. Becky is to parsing broken english as Netscape is to parsing broken HTML." -Tori Lease "What I don't care about is whether he *is* a stud or not. I do, however, find it interesting that he decides to publicly label himself as such. Much as if I saw someone on campus wearing a t-shirt that said 'I fucking rock,' I would point and laugh." -James Hogan "Don't say it... Don't say it... ME TOO! Oh, bugger; I had to say it." -Tarik Dozier "I... want... to respond to this, but I *don't* want to at the same time." -Becky Lehmann "I got a 35 on that particular part of my ACT, IIRC, and there was no _way_ I was going into Rhet, or any other LAS major. You see, instead of using my powers for good, I turned to the Dark Side of Writing: Usenet." -Tim Skirvin "Are you just about done making a fool of yourself? I know that you think you know what's up, but when everybody who actually *knows* me disagrees with you, I'd take that as an indicator that you just might be confused." -Tori Lease "I don't want to waste my time reading dumb posts by dumb people, so I just 'turn them off' -- it's not a personal thing or anything, at least for me, it's just that I elect not to listen to idiots." -Daniel Howard "I think we've firmly established that no one gives a crap/rat's ass/rat's fuck/care/whim/thought/flying rat's ass/flying fucking rat's ass to/about/ around/in/insert-preposition-here about what *anyone* [sip] has to say." -Adam M. Beal "And if uiuc.admin can make an ass of itself, a freshman should be able to do so as well!" -Daniel Howard "Oh god. Tim is carrying on conversations with his alter egos. This could be a Bad Thing. Or at the least, rather amusing..." -Jim Doolittle "Maybe we can all get along. I think that we would, but this rampant flaming is just so much fun. It just makes me want to... Oh, I can't. Yet I must! (sniff) I.... I love you guys! (sniff) (sniff) (*snort*) (*hack*)(sniff again). Anyway." -Adam M. Beal "Awww yeah! Nobody's got the mad pimpin' backhand like Big Daddy T!" -Tori Lease